Return to the Cave
~GCS~
I had a strange dream a few nights ago. At least I thought it was a dream.
I fell asleep with Sam cuddled close. God, I was tired. I’m not sure why. The day had been like most others – weeding, fetching water and fruit, etc. I think it was the frustration and tension in the air that was wearing me out. Kevin looked tired, too. Everyone did. Well, not everyone…. Brad’s following seemed to have the energy we lacked.
I’ve noticed a couple of things. One – small pockets of people would seem to disappear for hours on end. When questioned in the course of general, non-threatening conversation, explanations would be vague or noncommittal. Two – many of those who seemed to take to Brad’s style of ‘leadership’ were sporting markings that seemed to be painted on their skin. Black dots on their foreheads and chins were the most common. I assumed the ‘paint’ was made from fire ash mixed with a bit of water. Most of the men in Brad’s group wore the paint and when I began to pay closer attention, I noticed that the small dots, lines and squiggles were placed differently on each individual. Still, I didn’t think much of it until I realized that when one or two of the women started wearing the paint, their markings matched one of the men’s almost exactly. Soon I realized that that the indicated a connection of some sort – those with like markings were a couple. I remembered some of the remarks Brad had made about forming an island society and wondered if, when these markings began to appear on a few of the women, it was a sign that they had been ‘claimed’ by the man who wore the same patterns. The thought was primitive and caused me to roll my eyes a bit but beneath the surface of my dismissal was a distinct uneasiness. We hadn’t just returned to the jungle – we had returned to the cave.
My dream had been muddy and badly formed. I just remember hearing chants and some yelling in the distance. Even the voices were unidentifiable. I wouldn’t describe it as a nightmare yet I found it to be disturbing – one of those foggy dreams that becomes harder to remember as the day wears on.
Another thing that caught my attention was the fact that
I was beginning to think I was paranoid and imagining things until Nick and Kevin got into an argument one afternoon. Nick, joking around, stuck his finger into a small puddle of mud and drew circles around his eyes. Then he covered his face with dots of mud. He was making fun of the markings that some had begun to wear, trying to entertain a few of us after a long, hard day. Brian and Leighanne were there, as were Howie, Appollonia, Jamal, Stuart and myself. When Kevin walked over to see what was so funny, he went into a fit.
“Wash that shit off your face, Carter!”
It surprised me that Nick’s innocent antics made him so angry. Then he added:
“Unless you’ve decided to join the ‘pig-people’, in which case you can march your ass over to Brad’s team…”
He was totally pissed off and none of us were expecting it. Kevin gave each of us a personal glare and then threw down a stick he was carrying before storming off mumbling curses under his breath. Nick responded with a muffled ‘Fuck you….” That Kevin, of course, didn’t hear.
In hindsight, I think Nick was just trying to break some of the tension that we all felt but none had expressed. Our amusement provided a kind of nervous release but Kevin had not been amused at all. He had been a little distant and quiet lately and I found myself running after him, pulling out my paper and pencil as I ran, aware that in his distress he had given voice to concerns that had bothered me: separation and tribalism. I hadn’t really discussed this with anyone, not even Kevin. The reason was two-fold. I thought (hoped) I was being overly dramatic and hated to appear foolish and, as I said, Kevin had distanced himself from me. I didn’t know why and wasn’t sure I wanted to know. The past had taught me to accept and not question.
When I caught up with him, we were some distance from the others. He must have heard me running because he turned and scowled, causing me to skid to a stop. We stared at each other for a few seconds through suddenly thickened air before I started scribbling furiously on the pad.
*********
~KSR~
She’s intelligent and kind and sensitive. I don’t only want her. I need her. I need her badly. To say that life here is simple, is a gross understatement but despite our new lifestyle, things for me have grown complicated. I feel a measure of guilt because I’ve never mentioned Kristin to her. I don’t want to. I don’t want her touched or affected by any of that – my past. Glen is pure and honest and real. My baggage will taint her. It’ll hurt her. The time has passed when telling her about my life would have been okay. Too much has happened between us on an emotional level…on a level of trust. I feel some guilt about that.
I’ve pulled away from her. Partly it’s because of the guilt. Partly it’s because of frustration. But mostly it’s because of fear. The situation in camp is worrying me and I don’t know what to do about it. I think the split has already happened. I don’t want to scare her or anyone else but I have a feeling that things could get nasty. Pulling away protects her and it protects me.
The other night I couldn’t sleep so I walked the beach. The moon was full and reflected on the white sand making things eerily bright. I thought I heard some sort of singing and yelling coming from the trees near the lagoon. When I got closer, I saw the flickering flames of a fire in the trees. The droning was louder.
I hid in the brush and inched my way towards the sounds and the fire and discovered a number of the survivors sitting around the flames. It reminded me of an old Indian movie where the braves are part of some type of war council or planning. But there were women here, too. I couldn’t really make out what they were saying. I counted seventeen people who seemed to be paying close attention to their leader, Brad. I didn’t know what was going on but it wasn’t innocent. But what to do about it?
There was nothing implicitly wrong with a bunch of people talking around a camp fire. I had no proof of anything sinister – not even hearsay. Nothing immoral was taking place by anyone’s standards and no one was being hurt. I hadn’t confided in anyone yet. I planned to watch things for a couple more days and then talk to Brian and maybe, Jamal. If there was anything threatening going on, the camp should know and be prepared but I didn’t want to go to people with suspicions and guesses.
I don’t know why Nick’s face painting hit me so hard. It just did. He didn’t seem to get the fact that this painting was symbolic somehow. Kind of a facial pissing contest that might have unpleasant consequences… Brad and his ‘people’ seemed to take their markings seriously. I guess I worried that they would go after Nick if they caught him making fun of them. That, plus the fact that no one seemed to be all that concerned but me. I missed Glyn. I wanted to talk to her but didn’t want to frighten her unnecessarily. Most of all I wanted her to talk back to me. I wanted to hear her voice.
She came running up behind me after I yelled at Nick. She held her pad of paper in my face.
What’s wrong? Tell me…
I pushed the paper away and screamed at her, too.
“Everything’s wrong! Don’t you feel it? For Christ’s sake! Am I the only one who doesn’t see what’s happening around here?”
She began to scribble again and I knocked the pencil out of her hand. I didn’t mean to yell. I didn’t mean to get personal.
“I know you can talk, Glynnis! I’ve heard you chuckle and laugh! There’s nothing wrong with your voice!” My plea came out like an accusation and she froze. Even as she blinked back tears, I went on like a mad man. “I want you to talk to me, Godammit! I need for you to do that! Things around here are getting crazy. Can’t you see that?” She barely nodded her affirmation before leaning over to get her pencil. I bent down, grabbed the paper from her hand and threw it into the bush. She looked like I’d slapped her but I still kept screaming. “I need to hear you. I need to hear your inflection and tones. I need to hear you whisper and murmur and sing and shout! I need to know your heart when there is no fuckin’ paper! I need to know that you can call to me if you’re in trouble….”
Then I stopped. I’d said more than I meant to say. Neither of us moved but she was shaking and, as I watched, she struggled to form some sort of sound in her throat. It was abundantly clear that I was forcing her to do something she hadn’t done in a long, long time and that it was wrong. She was hurting and afraid. I had demanded something of her that she wasn’t ready to give and I had demanded it because I needed it, not because I thought it would be good for her.
“K – K –K…”
My heart broke watching her trying to choke out a single word. For me.
“Stop…” I whispered. “Don’t. You’ll speak when you’re ready. I’m sorry. So sorry…”
She started crying then and I’ve never felt so shitty in my life. I didn’t know what to do except pray that I hadn’t lost her completely. I just wanted to hold her. After a minute she caught her breath and wiped her cheeks with her hands. Then she picked up her pencil and pulled her pad of paper from a scraggly bush.
“I sorry, Glynnis,” I said again. “I didn’t mean to hurt you…”
She nodded and then turned to walk away.
“Promise me something,” I yelled after her. She stopped and turned to look at me. “Promise me you won’t go off alone. Make sure you have someone with you, okay?”
Friendly Fire
~GCS~
“Did you two have a fight or somethin’?”
AJ didn’t beat around the bush. His question wasn’t born out of nosiness, nor was it intended to be fodder for gossip. His curiosity seemed almost practical. This notion was confirmed when I raised my head and saw, across the fire, three pairs of eyes staring at us. Howie, Nick and Brian were not even trying to be nonchalant and for a moment I felt that I was being judged by a jury of Kevin’s peers.
I picked up my paper and pencil. ‘Why do you think that?’, I wrote. AJ rolled his eyes. I should have known that coyness wouldn’t play with him.
“Gee, I dunno…” he answered sarcastically. “He’s been up you ass for almost three months and now you two don’t even share a meal together.”
AJ was right. For the last week, Kevin has been distant. Preoccupied? Embarrassed? No, not embarrassed. I wonder if Kevin ever gets embarrassed… Although he’s had little to say to me, I still feel him watching. I still hear him checking on me in the night. I began to write again. ‘He’s tense. All the camp stuff going on. A split?’
AJ practically snorted. “Kev’s always tense!” Then he became a little more serious. “Yeah, we’ve talked about what’s happening. Some of us get together almost everyday trying to figure out what’s going on and why.” He paused for a moment and then shrugged. “Well, we think we know the ‘why’ part. It’s a grand pissing contest, isn’t it? Brad wants to rule. He has a Napoleon complex or somethin’…”
This bit of news surprised me. Apparently, some sort of war council had been formed. Daily meetings? I never saw any of that. Kevin must be more worried than I thought.
‘Kevin’s a little put out with me, I think…’ I scribbled on my paper. ‘He wants me to talk. Plus, he has things on his mind bigger than me. I think he’s worried about everybody.’ I was trying very hard to be diplomatic and unemotional but, the fact was, I missed Kevin. I feared he was growing tired of our little ‘dance’. Hell, I was getting a little tired of it myself. I second-guessed myself all the time. Maybe I should have made myself more ‘available’. It wasn’t like I didn’t want him. Maybe I should have gone to him that night when he fell asleep. Maybe I should force myself to talk – if I could. I’d buried so much of myself and this island was no place for shrinking violets. Kevin had little patience for weakness.
AJ took my tablet and tilted it towards the fire so he could read my words. Then, sighing, he dropped the paper and took my hand, staring into the fire as he spoke.
“Listen to me, baby,” he murmured. “Kevin can seem like a Grade-A Asshole. If you don’t know how he works, his words can practically draw blood. He doesn’t like for things to be out of control. His control. The guys and I have learned to understand this. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t piss us off but we know why he says and does some things that seem mean. Usually, it’s because he wants what’s best for everybody and he wants to keep them safe. You know – protect them. Kevin believes in foresight, not hindsight. I’ve been watching you two almost from day one. We all have. Everybody in this camp can see the connection between you. If Kevin’s being kinda jerky, it’s probably because he knows he crossed some sort of line with you that he had no right or invite to cross….” Then AJ turned to face me and lifted my chin so that I could see into his eyes. “You’re both kinda defensive right now but there are two things that you have to know. One is that Kevin can be a real jerk but he’s a tender-hearted jerk. The other is that the boy is head-over-heels in love with you. We all know it. He knows it. You should know it, too…”
I tried to smile at AJ’s proclamation. Our conversation had gotten heavy and I suddenly felt very vulnerable. ‘Maybe it’s a case of ‘Love the one you’re with’, I wrote. AJ didn’t return my smile.
“No. He doesn’t play that game. He might play ‘Fuck the one you’re with’ but never ‘Love the one you’re with,” he answered. “He has a hard enough time playing ‘Love the one you love’…”
Then he hesitated, but only for a moment, before getting more personal. I should have been embarrassed or, at the very least, miffed but AJ was so brutally frank, it was hard to get too mad with him.
“You two haven’t done the horizontal dance, have you?”
No. We hadn’t. Maybe the time had passed for that. I found myself answering him with a shake of my head, even though it was none of his business. I scrawled on my paper. ‘That’s PRIVATE, AJ.’ Now he smiled.
“Oh, I won’t say anything, baby-doll… Besides, I know it’ll happen sooner or later.”
He grew thoughtful and I tried to read his mind. I needn’t have bothered. AJ left no thought unspoken, unfortunately.
“Poor guy must be ready to pop a nut by now. Oh, he’s been taking his little private walks into the jungle but it ain’t the same. Hell, he’s probably dropped enough seed near the lagoon to grow a crop of dick trees…”
I felt my face grow warm.
It was then that AJ abruptly turned from me and began eating in earnest. Our exchange had ended. One brief look around the fire pit told me why. Kevin had joined the group and was sitting near Howie. His brows had dipped to his eyelids as he studied AJ and me. Big Brother was definitely watching…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~KSR~
Okay. I’m a shit.
I’m not being mean or nothing. Just a little on the cool side. Hell, maybe downright cold. Even Sam has been giving me the evil eye. A couple of afternoons ago, he marches up to me, sets his red bag on the ground, puts his hands on his hips and demands to know why I’m not being nice like I used to be.
“ I haven’t been mean to you,” I said, defending myself to the pipsqueak.
“Not me!” he piped back. “Glynn! Is she not your girlfriend anymore?”
His question took me by surprise. Girlfriend. That’s a term I hadn’t used in a long time. I wasn’t sure people even had ‘girlfriends’ these days. Obviously, distancing myself from Glynnis had not gone unnoticed. I didn’t realize that we had become such a ….a ‘thing’. He didn’t wait for me to answer, but bent down to the ground an unzipped his bag. When he stood, he waved a tampon in my face.
“If you be nice to Glynn, I’ll give you one of my firecrackers.”
I began to wonder if this kid was really a midget. Ooops, I mean ‘little person’… He was offering me a supreme bribe. It was all I could do not to laugh but I didn’t dare. Despite the fact that the kid was full of ‘attitude’, he had come to rely on Glynn and me as a couple. He felt threatened by my pulling away. He couldn’t understand that, while I had separated myself a bit physically, my feelings had only strengthened. I was trying to give Glynnis a little space. I had been a jerk, pure and simple, and I was waiting for…..for what? A sign of some sort from her. A sign that things were okay and that she really didn’t think I was an asshole. Or that, if she did, it was okay.
I needed her right now. The camp was quiet but there was a strong, forbidding undercurrent. I needed for her to talk to me. I needed to hear her call to me. See? It’s ‘me, me, me…’ I guess I am an ass. I think it would be different if I knew that she really couldn’t speak. Something had caused her to stop talking and I wanted to know what but I knew that I couldn’t push. I didn’t want her to keep secrets from me. Look who’s talking, right?
Anyway, I talked to Sam for a while and told him not to worry and that he didn’t need to bribe me with one of his ‘firecrackers’ because I cared very much about Glynn – and about him, too. It took a little doing but I think he’s okay.
Then, last night, I wished I had taken him up on his offer. I wanted to shove that ‘firecracker’ right up AJ McLean’s ass. Oh yeah, that scrawny bastard and Glynnis were chatting away. I didn’t realize they’d become such close friends. His mouth is flappin’… She’s smilin’ and turnin’ all pink and shit…. His mouth is flappin’…. She’s scribblin’ on her paper…. His mouth is still flappin’…. They didn’t stop until they finally caught my glare. Damn. It took long enough. I must be loosin’ my touch.
Later, I found AJ near the beach, picking through some driftwood. People have accused me of being a perfectionist. I guess they’re right. Being an ass wasn’t good enough for me. I had to be a ‘First Class, Solid Gold, Number One, Ace Asshole with Optional Fart Attachment’. I started my attack gently.
“So, AJ… Looks like you and Glynn have formed a mutual admiration society or somethin’…”
“I like her,” he said, bending down to pick up a small branch.”
“Just ‘like’?” I asked. My tone was becoming a little edgy. So much for being ‘Mr. Cool’. He doesn’t have a prayer against ‘Mr. Asshole’. “Looks to me like you two were really hitting it off.”
AJ straightened and faced me. He was not amused.
“Are you trying to say somethin’, Kev? That ‘observation’ almost sounds like an accusation.”
He was going up against me. I don’t think he’d done that since the rehab thing and we know how that turned out…
“I’m just sayin’ that I didn’t realize how close you two were, that’s all.”
“She needs to be close to somebody,” AJ shot back. “Looks to me like she’s been on her own lately.”
“Now who’s ‘accusin’’?” I spat.
AJ’s eyes narrowed. “Guess the shoe fits…”
I wasn’t sure I believed what I thought I was hearing. Thought I’d better clear things up. I crossed my arms and gave AJ what I hoped was a threatening stare.
“You movin’ into my territory, J?” I asked bluntly.
He looked at me as if I was a little crazy. “Your WHAT?”
“You know what I mean…”
“Yeah, I’m afraid I do.”
We glared at each other for a bit and then I got a little confused watching him. I could swear that his eyes almost sparkled when he spoke again.
“Look, Kev. I don’t know what happened between you and Glynn but I don’t see your brand on her and I enjoy her company. I think she enjoys mine. If our friendship develops into something more, well…”
“Don’t you dare go there, AJ!”
“I’ll go where the fuck I want, Kev!”
I think he flinched when he said that. I’m not sure. All I know is that I could feel my fingernails digging into the palms of my hands. It was all I could do not to punch the little son-of-a-bitch. All I could think was that he must have been insane and I was always taught that you don’t punch women, kids or crazy people.
Bottom line, the last thing I needed or wanted was a pissing contest with AJ. I wasn’t sure that he was challenging me. Maybe he was just dealing with my ‘assy’ fears and assumptions. Yeah. That’s it. He was just yankin’ my ass chain.
That better be it…
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