Pre-Revelation
~GCS~
As the days passed, a certain order returned to the camp. Thoughts of Brad, his life, his misery and his death seem to lie just beneath very emotional surface but ‘below’ is the key word. No one criticizes, no one second-guesses, no one questions –or, if they do, I don’t hear about it. Leighanne has been the only one to even hint at accusation but her coolness towards me has returned. Except for some inescapable reminders, like Linda’s continuing mental decline, it almost seems as though Brad never existed. I suppose this has become survival of a different sort. The bottom line, however, is hard to ignore. Brad had been killed. Deliberately.
Yet, life goes on. It goes on for Kevin. It goes on for me. For thes last couple of days, we’ve been keeping very busy. That’s not hard because there’s always plenty to do but most of our chores aren’t always critical and can wait. I suppose we both have to try to sort things out in our own way. We’ve barely been speaking, yet our silence isn’t buried in anger. We’re treading very lightly. Even Sam is quiet and I can tell he’s looking to us to mend his emotional safety net.
About two days after Brad was pushed out to sea, Kevin began to perform small acts of kindness. Generally, this was not unusual but lately, under stressful, bizarre and frightening circumstances, he’s been preoccupied with the more dramatic events that surrounded us. I guess I’ve been pretty distracted, too. Everyone is. Conversations are stilted and awkward. Even direct or prolonged eye contact is something that’s avoided.
So, when Kevin brought an armful of flowers to our hut late one morning, it was a big deal. A crack in the ice – for me, anyway. I tried to respond in a cool and unaffected way but to say I felt a sense of relief is an understatement. When I gave him a smile, he seemed relieved as well, but it was a relief tinged with a small degree of embarrassment or, maybe even shame.
Our code of silence was still holding. I hadn’t asked any more questions and he hadn’t offered any explanations. My fears linger but I realize I’m facing the proverbial fork in the road: Let it go, or infect our relationship with doubt. It’s not like me to ignore such confusion but I have to try and trust that truth would come with time.
“They’re beautiful. Where did you find them?”
Kevin had arranged the flowers n a discarded flask and set them by the door. “Near the beach where we landed. Guess they weren’t blooming when we came here.”
“Or we had too many other things on our mind to notice…”
“Yeah.”
It wasn’t much but it was a start. We were silent for a minute and my guess is that we were both searching for another line of opening dialogue. I felt myself swallow and took another small step.
“What were you doing over there?”
“Just felt like walking, I guess,” he shrugged. “Wanted to go back to where it all began and think a little. Just needed to get some shit straight in my head. You know, figure out how I feel, what I need to do about it and how.”
He spoke very softly and his
“And did you?” My small inquiry was made in a casual way but my stomach was rolling. Figure out how he feels about what? Do about what? Us?
Our eyes locked for the first time in days and what I saw in those deep green pools was bone-breaking weariness, but that weariness was laced with love.
“I’ve been a shit. I didn’t mean to be.”
“These have been shitty times,” I countered.
Kevin closed his eyes and when he opened them, they glistened a little. “They sure as fuck have…”
“You’re tired. Why don’t you lay down and get some sleep. You’ve done enough thinking today.”
He just sighed and nodded. A moment later, he lay on his side with his back towards me. It was still fairly early in the day and there was plenty I could do, so I grabbed my bandana and stepped to the door. His voice stopped me as I was leaving.
“We need to talk. Today.”
~KSR~
I’ve had to do some hard things on this island but what I have to do today may be the hardest of all. I went to beach where this adventure began and tried to sort out my thoughts and feelings. My mind wandered down many paths while I was there but they all lead back to Glynnis. I think that, on some level, she isn’t too surprised at Brad’s death but I also think she tends to blame herself. She thinks that mainly because she wonders if I killed him. I can’t answer her, not because I don’t trust her, but because the community has to mend in order to keep going on the best we can. Damn, I want to talk to her about this, but I can’t. Not now, but probably someday.
I have to tell her about Kristin. Today. It can’t wait any longer. My lie of omission is eating me up inside. It’s nibbled at my gut for some time but, considering the emotional turmoil that’s bathed all of us, I have to come clean. I can’t come clean about Brad, so I’ll have to come clean about Kristin.
I’m scared to death.
I figure we’re gonna be on this damn island for a long, long time. I try not to say too much about that because many cling to the hope of rescue. A small part of me does, as well, but I’ve given up on miracles and that’s what it would take. It’s been months and we’ve seen no sign of life outside of the island. Kristin and I didn’t marry each other in good faith and that fact sucked the life right out of us. I want more. I want Glynnis and I want her up front and honest. I’ve known for a long time that I needed to be honest with her. Hell, why someone hasn’t blabbed, I’ll never know, unless they were afraid I would kill their asses. I probably would have tried. My only real worry has been Leighanne. If we weren’t stuck here and living in such close proximity, I’m sure she would have said something by now, that sanctimonious bitch. But, sooner or later, she will anyway. Glynn needs to find this out from me. God, I pray that she understands…
I spotted these tall red flowers behind a small dune on my way back. They kinda looked like a cross between lilies and orchids. They had really long stems, so I broke a bunch off to take back to our shack. I passed AJ on the way. He had ‘goat detail’ today and was scooping up shit when he saw me come by. For no apparent reason, he started laughing his nuts off.
“God Amighty, you look like you just won a beauty contest!” he howled.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” I hollered back.
“Goddamn! Long back hair, carrying an armload of flowers, scarf flappin’ up on your head like a crown – all you need are the high-heels, Kev!”
“You’re an idiot!” I yelled. “Get yourself a girlfriend, for God’s sake. You’re starting to freak me out….”
“But you’re so purrrrrdy….”
“At least I ain’t no shit shovelin’ moron! If we ever get off this goddamn island, maybe you can get a job following the elephants in a circus parade!”
“Stop it, Kev! You’re makin’ me hot…”
I gave him the Richardson Scowl and headed on. I wasn’t really pissed. AJ’s bullshit was the first ‘normal’ exchange I’d had or heard since Brad’s body was found. It was almost a relief.
I could feel Glynnis watching me as I put the flowers in a bottle. We were both still reticent but anxious to get over this break in our relationship. When she questioned me about the flowers, I almost cracked. Her innocent question about some flowers nearly sent me over the edge. I didn’t say much about them or where I’d been – just a brief explanation that she probably didn’t understand. What I wanted to say was “Jesus, I brought these flowers to you because I have nothing else to give you! I love you! I needed to give to you something to show you that I’m not a heartless bastard.”
And most importantly, “Forgive me for what I’m going to do to you…”
The End of the Beginning
~KSR~
When I woke up, the sun was low in the sky and I was alone. I shivered a little, probably a result of nerves, rather than the balmy breeze that drifted through the openings in our thatched room. I tried to clear my head as that same breeze carried the voices of others to my ears. I could distinguish some words and could identify some of the speakers but my head was still a little muddled with sleep. I was aware enough, though, to know that I hadn’t heard Glynn’s voice.
I sat for a minute trying to congeal the thoughts that battled each other in my brain. I had thought *hoped? that a little rest would help me to think clearly about how to approach Glynnis with the fact that, technically, I was a married man. I was fooling myself. No amount of rest would result in a pain-free plan. I remembered a line from a song of long ago: ‘To feel the cure, first you have to feel the pain…’
I stood at the doorway and looked down at the camp. Jamal was walking into Les and Malcolm’s place carrying some fruit in a sling. Appolonia and Nick were walking into the trees, on the path that ended at the lagoon. Linda was sitting under a palm, scribbling in the sand and rocking back and forth. Leihanne and Brian appeared to be arguing. As I watched, she ripped off her makeshift apron and threw it to the ground as Brian, surprisingly, flipped her the bird. There were few secrets on this island. In fact, I could only think of two and one of those involved me and Glynnis - a secret that would soon become unraveled.
I didn’t see Glynnis among the group. I didn’t see Sam, either, so I guessed they were down at the beach. Sam had gotten to be pretty good at catching crabs and it made him feel good to contribute, so we took him down there whenever we could. My guess was confirmed when I passed Howie, who was boiling clothes over the fire pit.
“Seen Glynn?”
“Yeah. She headed to the beach with Sam.” Then, “This goddamn steam is making me frizz….”
Big fuckin’ deal The frivolity of his complaint struck me the wrong way under the circumstances. His comment was so…so…’Leighanne’…. “Well, maybe it’ll help with the dandruff…”
It was a shitty thing to say considering that Howie had lost little of his vanity since we landed here, but I guess I was feeling a little shitty. As I walked away, I saw him lean over and shake his hair with his fingers, looking for evidence of a dry scalp.
As I approached the shoreline, I could see Glynnis and Sam sitting in the shallows, examining his ‘catch’ and laughing. The sun shone in her hair, which had been lightened by so many days in the sun. God, she was beautiful. I felt my breath catch and, for a split second, wondered if I shouldn’t put this off. She looked so happy. A dozen reasons sailed through my brain in the blink of an eye, the major one being that this wouldn’t solve anything or make anything better. We were good together now. Why put that at risk? We’ll be here forever. She doesn’t need to know this. It won’t help anything.
My brain said one thing but my heart was screaming something else. We could never achieve true closeness - one heart – until every wall had been torn down and nothing was cloaked in darkness. This lie would continue to eat at me and she would suffer as a result. I’d already been down this road to some degree with Kristin. Things I thought wouldn’t really matter, mattered a great deal. We married because it was ‘time’ – not because it was ‘right’. The relationship had been phony and hollow. We hadn’t really loved each other. We hadn’t really needed each other. Not telling Glynn earlier had been a lie born out of selfishness. Telling her now might also be selfish in a way. Just because I needed to unload didn’t mean that the truth would be good for her. At least she couldn’t run. Not very far, anyway.
I took a deep breath and started walking.
~GCS~
Kevin was still somewhat quiet and withdrawn but I took the flowers as a good sign. Things would get back to normal – normal for us and our situation, anyway. Despite the circumstances, Brad was gone and maybe the camp could bind together for reasons other than fear. That fear had taken up way too much of our time and energy. Maybe now, we could come up with some kind of plan to attract attention and get rescued. Although some, including Kevin, had come to feel that that wouldn’t happen, many of us still carried a small glimmer of hope.
I was imagining what it would be like to be with Kevin in our ‘real’ world when I felt him drop down beside me in the sand. Immediately, Sam came running, anxious to show him his crabbing success. More than a dozen crabs scurried in the bottom of a basket made with dried reeds. Kevin smiled and gave Sam the appropriate ‘ooohs and ahs’, after which Sam picked up his small net and ran down the beach a few yards, hoping to increase his bounty.
It was a beautiful day, not too hot, and the skies were clear to the horizon. I waited, sensing that Kevin had something on his mind. Despite the fact that he was smiling as he squinted into the sun, his smile was a little ‘tight’. Finally,
“Feels good out here,” he said, leaning forward, stretching his shoulders.
“Yes, it does. Not so hot.”
“Sam got himself a good catch today.”
“He thought you needed some crabs tonight.”
Silence fell again. After a minute, I broke it.
“Did you have a good nap?”
“Yeah.”
The ‘yeah’ was followed by a deep sigh.
I tried to keep some momentum going. “Those flowers are beautiful.”
He gave no response, so I just sat. One of the things I loved about ‘us’ was that we could do that – just be quiet with each other. He had something on his mind but, in these months, I had come to learn that Kevin talks or unloads in his own sweet time, particularly if it’s something serious. Then,
“I have to talk to you about something.”
“You sound so serious.” I teased.
He didn’t crack a smile. “It is serious, Glynn…. I have something to tell you – something you need to know.”
He was looking away when he spoke those words but soon turned to face me. His expression frightened me a little but before he could say any more, thoughts, words and fears were interrupted by Sam, screaming at the top of his lungs and pointing to the sky.
“A PLANE! I SEE AN AIPLANE!”
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