October 3, 2000
I wasn't sure where to begin my story. I was thinking of starting off with telling you about my new refrigerator and how much fun it was to clean up the ten years worth of gunk that it was sitting on top of. No wonder the poor thing died. It suffocated. When the deliverymen moved her, I could swear I saw human remains stuck to the compressor. All this time, I just thought it was rotten food that I'd 'forgotten about'. (Yeah? you know what I'm talking about.) She leaked as they drug her from my kitchen. The deliverymen called it 'Fridge Pee'. Being the romantic that I am, I prefer to think of the liquid trail as refrigerator tears?.
Anyway, last night I did something I don't do very often. I wore a BSB tee shirt to bed. Did I mention that I'm married? This did not go over well.
Al's actually been pretty good. He should be. He's the one who's reaped the benefit of my fantasy life and it's not like I've asked him to wear a Kevin mask to bed (although, as you can see, the idea has crossed my mind?). I guess he's been feeling insecure lately. He has yet to ask me about my trip to NC last February to see my boys. I mean, it was only the greatest fucking weekend of my life! I lost my Backstreet maidenhead that weekend - I went to my first concert. I kind of sprung it on him at the last minute.
"Guess what, hon? I've got tickets to go see the BSB in NC next week!"
"Well, I don't think I'm going to be able to go! It's kinda last minute isn't it?"
Last minute for YOU. I've had the damn tickets since December. My plan has worked. You can't go. Like I really want to go see the Backstreet Boys with my HUSBAND! What if Kevin spotted me in the audience and wanted me to visit him in his hotel room? I even bought new underwear?.just in case.
"Gee, that's too bad?." NOT...
I won't bore you the details, but it was a wonderful road trip and I got to see TWO concerts! And Kevin. I know he wanted me. But he'd just announced his engagement and had to behave for a week or two?. We did communicate by mental telepathy, though, and have agreed to try again in 2001. Any way - my spouse didn't want to know anything about the trip, so I hid the two tee shirts I bought at the concert.
For a long time, I just used them to threaten my sons. If grades weren't what they should be, I'd throw on a BSB tee shirt in the morning and tell them that I was going to meet with their teachers that day, and that I would stop by to see them IN THE CAFETRERIA during lunch time (so they could be humiliated in front of all of their friends). Grades improved after that. Lately, the older son has been getting a little too uppity. I had to put on my tee shirt AND my Burger King crown in order to obtain the desired effect.
My husband wandered into the study last week. His purpose was to win the 'Shoulder Surfing Championships' and generally annoy the hell out of me. Thank God for the 'minimize' icon. It was then that he noticed my calendar. My BSB calendar?.
"Why do you still have that thing turned to September?"
"Oh? I don't know. Forgot to change it, I guess.."
"It's turned to September 1999, Grace?."
Like I don't know that! Yeah! Sept. 1999 and you'd better not touch it, asshole! I love that picture! Kevin looks semi-pissed. He's hot when he looks semi-pissed. Intense? yeah?
This 'hot' look does not work for all men. When my husband gets semi-pissed or full-blown pissed, he looks like a spoiled, whiny brat. I want to slap the shit out of him.
"How would you like it if I had pictures of Sigourney Weaver hanging around?"
You are such a fool! Like I would give a shit! You have NO chance getting Miss Weaver, while I - on the other hand- am going to meet Kevin in his hotel room in 2001. We have it pre arranged. (Telepathy - remember?)
On to bed?.
"What in the hell are you wearing?"
We were facing each other. I had on my black BSB tee shirt. I figured I might as well wear the damn thing. I think I paid $399.95 for it in Charlotte.
"What do you mean?"
"Do I really have to sleep with the Backstreet Boys?"
Ooooh?.what a thought! He's finally learning what hits my buttons?.
"Don't be silly! It's just a tee shirt?"
"Yeah? A tee shirt that has 'Keviiiiin' dancing across your left tit?."
Uh-oh? He called him by name? He's a sneaky bastard. All of my 'public domain' Backstreet shit has included all of the boys. Calendars, screen savers, posters, mouse pads - I've been careful to make sure all five of them were pictured? How did he know?
"You're being ridiculous?"
"Yeah, well I don't want to lay here and look at the 'Backdoor Boys'!" (That's Al's way of getting ugly?)
"Fine! I'll roll over. You can look at tour dates, instead!"
There followed a few moments of silence. Then he started to mumble/whine.
"I don't suppose you've ever considered getting your sleepwear at someplace like 'Victoria's Secret'?..
It's good that he couldn't see my face. Right? Who do you think you are? Kevin Richardson?
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