Tristan Trilogy- Story 3

CHAPTER 53

Kevin was wound up to a million. A new mantra looped across his mind like the scrolling board at the New York Stock Exchange. I'm a daddy… I'm a daddy… I'm a daddy…. He was walking on air and couldn’t understand why everyone else seemed so tired. Well, he could understand why Tris might be a little weary….

After the babies had been introduced and all the crying and emotional business was gotten out of the way, the guys had taken him out for a brief, albeit potent, celebration at a bar two blocks away from the hospital. He wouldn’t have left the hospital except for the fact that Tristan had been slightly medicated and was sleeping and the babies were being examined. When he was brought back to Lexington Memorial, he was shit-faced and happier than ever. Dr. Malone was in Tristan’s room when he returned and while Kevin tried to put on a serious face, there was no getting past the fact that he was in a ‘chest beating’ frame of mind. Dr. Malone smirked behind his clipboard. He got such a kick out of Kevin Richardson….

“Is she doing okay?” he asked nodding toward the bed and stumbling a little. Tristan was still a little woozy. So was he, but he still had his chest puffed up like a rooster.

“Fine, Kevin. Just checking the stitches…”

Kevin’s chest deflated as his somewhat smug and tipsy demeanor suddenly shifted. What stitches?…

“When did she get stitches?” he frowned “What needed to be …you know…stitched?”

Dr. Malone dropped the chart to his side, looked Kevin in the face, and rolled his eyes.

“What do you think, Kevin?” he sighed. “Tristan is small. There was tearing…”

Their eyes locked for several seconds as Kevin grasped Dr. Malone’s meaning. His frown intensified behind a definite wince.

“Don’t worry….” The doctor said, patting him on the shoulder. “She’ll be tight as a drum…”

“I’m not worried!” Kevin spit. He tripped over to the bed and began to stroke Tristan’s hair. She was still ‘out of it’.

“Good. ‘Cause if you are you shouldn’t be…”

“I said I’m not worried!” Kevin growled.

“Good…”

Dr. Malone had to turn his back for a moment in order to get his grin under control. He thought that Kevin should probably be wearing a sign that said ‘Kick Me’. He was so easy to agitate. Now he was about to plant another foot up Kevin Richardson’s ass. When he turned back around, Kevin was still frowning and still playing with Tristan’s hair.

“Have you decided what you want to do about Benjamin?”

Kevin stopped and looked up at the doctor.

“What wrong with Ben?” A note of panic had risen in his voice. “Did something happen while I was out?”

“No. Nothing happened - he’s fine…”

“Then what the hell are you talking about!” Kevin snapped.

“Do you want him circumcised or not? I have to make arrangements for the procedure.”

Again, Kevin's eyes locked onto the doctor's. The alcohol-induced ruddiness in Kevin's cheeks quickly began to pale as his hands dropped protectively to his own crotch.

"He's just a little baby!" Kevin scolded. "For God's sake…" Kevin was sobering up in a hurry.

"Would you rather wait until he's sixteen to decide, Kevin? If it's going to be done, it should be done before he leaves the hospital. Right now, it's just a matter of 'snip, snip'." Dr. Malone held out two fingers and opened and closed them like scissors as if to illustrate. "If we wait a few years, it'll be more like 'snip, snip, snip, snip, snip…'"

"Jesus Christ! Okay, I get the picture!"

A soft whisper came from the bed as Tristan shifted slightly.

"Snip, snip…" she murmured in her sleep.

Kevin's eyes flashed angrily. "Now see what you've done! You've gotten her all upset!"

Dr. Malone glanced at is patient, pursed his lips and nodded. Tristan lay in a blissful haze. She was anything but upset. Kevin, on the other hand…..

"Sorry…."

They were interrupted when a rather large nurse came into the room and insinuated herself between Kevin and the bed with an authoritative nudge. Kevin fell backwards a step. She looked familiar.

"Well, excuuuse me…." he muttered sarcastically behind her before turning back to the doctor. "Isn't it kinda dangerous to put a tiny baby to sleep?"

"Ben won't be put to sleep…"

Kevin was sure he had misunderstood. He leaned over to the nurse for confirmation and she nodded.

"They don't put babies to sleep for a circumcision…" she said, shaking her head. "It's quick - you know - snip, snip.."

"What the hell is that?" Kevin shouted, waving his arms in the air. "Some new medical term? 'Snip, snip'?"

"Snip, snip…" Tristan whispered again, much to Kevin's consternation.

Dr. Malone and the nurse shared a chuckle over Tristan's unconscious input, despite Kevin's piercing glare. He tried to lower his voice and sound calm.

"Who will be doing this - this….procedure?"

"Me…" Dr. Malone answered as he scribbled some notes on Tristan's chart. "…or Fisher, if you prefer…"

"What I would prefer.." Kevin growled, "… is someone who specializes in this sort of thing! Not somebody who specializes in…in…womens' 'parts'!"

The large nurse turned around to face Kevin and frowned impatiently.

"Sorry," she growled back at him. "We don't have a Foreskinology Department at this medical center. But maybe we can call Washington and see if the Surgeon General's free…"

It was then that Kevin realized why this woman looked so familiar. It was 'Nurse Don'tfuckwithme'…

"Who asked you?" Kevin grumbled. "I remember you! What are you doing here anyway? I thought you worked in Neurology.."

"My lucky day…" she answered flatly. "It's called 'rotation’, and I remember you, too!" Her last remark was followed by disdainful ‘once over’.

The glare-a-thon was interrupted when a pediatric nurse opened the door and wheeled in two isolettes. Time for the babies to spend some time with the parents.

*****

Tristan slowly opened her eyes, unaware for a moment or two where she was. She moved her hands down the front of her body as she had been doing every time she awoke and was immediately aware that something was missing. Her eyes widened as she looked towards the end of the bed. She could see her feet!

The room was dim and quiet and it took several seconds for her eyes to adjust to the shadows and her surroundings. A soft snore captured her attention. Kevin slept several feet away, reclined in a hospital chair. His hair was askew. His mouth was open, his long legs spread and he still wore hospital scrubs. A small pink bundle lay on his chest over his heart, held in place by his large hand. Little Mallory was sound asleep, too, her dark hair forming little spikes across the top of her head. Like Kevin's used to… Benjamin was in his isolette, which Kevin had placed next to the recliner. The vision of her family began to blur as tears filled her eyes. My family…

"Are you alright, honey? Are you having some pain? Cramping?"

It was the nurse from Neurology who had come back in to check on Tristan and remove her IV. She threw the sheets back from Tristan's body and began checking for signs of unusual bleeding.

"No…" Tristan whispered. I'm alright.."

"You sure? Stitches bothering you?"

"No…really.."

Then another voice.

"What's wrong!"

Kevin had awakened to find Nurse Don'tfuckwithme in the midst of her cursory examination. He struggled to get himself out of the chair and hold onto Mallory but his body wouldn't cooperate with his efforts. The scowling nurse held out her hand and Kevin reluctantly took it and pulled himself up still holding the baby against his chest. He hadn't meant to fall asleep.

"Nothing Kevin…" Tristan reassured him. "The IV is coming out, that's all…"

"Did you decide about the circumcision?" the large nurse asked him as she slipped the needle from Tristan's arm. "Dr Fisher wanted to know. Malone had to go back to Florida. Some kind of emergency…"

Tristan looked at Kevin questioningly. The inquiry seemed to disturb him.

"We haven't really talked about it yet…" he mumbled, pacing at the foot of Tristan's bed with Mallory still locked in his arms.

Nurse D.F.W.M. shrugged, finished up with Tristan and headed for the door, hesitating only to give Kevin a 'look' and one word before she left.

"Tomorrow…" It was an order.

Kevin had started pacing again when Tristan interrupted him.

"Give me the baby.." she said gently, holding out her arms. "And get Ben, too."

Kevin laid the babies in Tristan's arms and then stood back to take in the whole picture as he watched her cooing and snuggling with them. How can one person change your life so completely? What would I be now without her? Without them? We came so fucking close to screwing this all up… so close… He felt the muscles in his face collapsing and began to rub his eyes. Fuck…I'm gonna cry…

"What's the matter, sweetie?"

Kevin sighed behind his hands and then dropped them to his side. His eyes had filled but he smiled, slightly embarrassed at his unexpected display, and shook his head. His throat had closed too tightly for him to speak. Tristan shifted Ben onto her chest and, once again, held out her arm.

"Come here, Kevin. You're so tired…"

Kevin drew a ragged breath. There was no place else he needed to be more right now that in Tristan's arms, full as they were.

"I shouldn't…" he said kicking off his shoes, and stepping over to the bed. He shouldn't but he would.

"Get in…"

Tristan shifted to side of the narrow bed and Kevin crawled in beside her. He laid his head against he shoulder and wrapped his arm around her waist. Waist… Tristan had a waist again…. God, it felt so good to be here like this - all four of them, squeezed together in a tiny bed. Kevin was still fighting his emotions and even though he was trying to control his breaths, they were still shallow and strained. He felt her elbow bend against his upper back as her hand moved upward.

"Tell me…" Tristan whispered softly.

When her fingers combed tenderly through his hair, he lost it.

"God dammit!" he choked, "I'm so happy, so grateful, so…. scared… I know you can't understand this but I really wish my Daddy was here right now…."

"I know, Kevin… I'm so sorry," she murmured. "I kind of thought you might want to name Ben after your Daddy."

Kevin sighed and pushed his face against the side of Tristan's breast. "Sort of an unwritten rule," he explained. His name's being saved for Jerald. You know, if he has a son one day, he'll be Jerald III."

"Oh, I see. I guess that makes sense." Tristan continued to fondle Kevin's hair until she heard his sigh - a sign that he had been soothed a little. "I think you should go home and get some rest," she suggested. "You're worn out, sweetheart…"

"In a minute…"

The 'minute' turned into almost an hour as Kevin drifted into sleep. Just as announcements were being made about visiting hours being over, the door to Tristan's room quietly opened.

"Shit! I'm sorry.." Nick whispered upon discovering the sleeping giant lying along side of Tristan. "The babies weren't in the nursery and I.."

"That's okay…" Tristan smiled. "I'm glad you came. I want you to take Kevin home…"

Kevin snorted and burrowed deeper into Tristan's side.

"Don't think he wants to go…"

"He needs to, Nick."

They talked softly for a few more minutes and then Nick picked up Benjamin and cuddled him gently as his voice rose and his words evolved into 'baby speak'. Tristan watched Nick for several minutes as his distraction became complete and he tried to play with his unresponsive namesake. He would make a good father one day. He had enough child in him to be empathetic and enough man to be loving. His eyes fell on Kevin as he spoke to Tristan.

"I can't believe what he did - naming him Carter and all…" Nick was smiling but it was obvious that he had been deeply touched and surprised by Kevin's gesture. "Was that alright with you?"

"Of course it was, Nick. Kevin loves you. So do I."

"Yeah, well…."

Nick began to blink and rock Ben a little too vigorously. His smile had become tight. He was self-conscious and a bit overcome. Maybe he had won Kevin's respect after all. The silence that hung between them was broken as Kevin shifted in the bed, attempting to find a more comfortable position and Nick began to laugh.

"What's so damn funny?" Kevin snarled as his eyes began to open. They widened when he saw Nick standing at his feet with a blur bundle in his arms. "God dammit, Nick! He's not a basketball! Take it easy!"

A pediatric nurse with exceptional timing came in then to take the twins back to the nursery, putting an end to the sputtering and fussing that was about to get out of hand. It was then that Tristan gave Kevin his marching orders.

"Nick's going to take you home now.."

"No he's not…"

"Yes he is… You need some sleep - and a shower…"

Kevin looked offended. "Do I stink?" he asked, turning his face to his armpit.

"Kevin, I don't care if I never see another pickle as long as I live. I don't want to smell them, either. You smell like pickles…"

"Gee," He frowned, "I wonder why…"

"Uh… I'll wait for you out in the hall, Kev…" Nick grinned as he made a hasty retreat.

Tristan was glad that Nick left. She had unfinished business and now was a good time to deal with it considering Kevin's recent emotional reaction.

"Kiss me…" Tristan commanded gently.

Kevin smiled and leaned to her, brushing his mouth across her lips and then pressing them tenderly against hers. She even felt a bit of tongue.

"Hmmm…that was nice…" she sighed.

"I can do better…"

"And you will…." Tristan smiled into his eyes. She was still going to send him home.

After a minute or two of arguing, Kevin finally relented to Tristan's wish and pulled himself off of the hospital bed, preparing to leave. It was time.

"Kevin? Remember what you said about wishing that your Daddy was here?"

Kevin's eyes dropped to the floor. He did wish that. More than anything.

"Yes…."

"Look in my bag - in the flap under the top. There's something there for you - an envelope…."

CHAPTER 54

They're five weeks old now. Only five weeks and I've already missed almost half of their life….

Kevin tried to stretch his legs out in that coffin they called a bunk and ended up kicking the wall in frustration. He wished he could stop thinking for awhile. The good thing about being up on stage was that you had to stay focused on the work, so for a couple of hours a night, he could press that automatic pilot button. The down time had proven to be much worse than he had expected. He replayed the same story over and over, the one that began with the trip to the hospital and ended with his catching a plane to Lauderdale. He remembered bits of conversation, tender touches and the smell of honeysuckle - now sweetened even more with the undertones of baby powder and lotion.

"Damn, Tris! I forgot to get the camera out of the truck!" She looked at me as if I was crazy. I really had thought it would be cool to film the baby's birth but she didn't seem to share my enthusiasm. I was only half teasing. Things had gotten a little rocky in there… God damn, I was scared shitless, but everything turned out okay. Why did I have to act like such a fool about wishing my Daddy was there? I guess I needed some reassurance from my father that I would do okay as a father myself. Yeah, I'm doing great… Leaving my wife and three week old babies for a God damned tour….. And the envelope…the letter. I knew it wasn't Tris' writing on the front but I didn't know it was Meemaw's until Tris told me. She didn't want me to read the letter there. 'It's private', she said. 'Go home and read it and sleep. You're tired.' So I let Nick drive me back to the house.

I read the letter when I was alone in our bedroom. I got undressed and read it in my drawers. Then I got in the shower and cried like a baby. Dad knew he was dying when he wrote it. I could tell. Everybody knew but me. Everybody. My brothers haven't seen the letter. I know it. Meemaw wanted me to have it. How did she know that I needed it so bad? Dad spent two pages writing about me. Me! He told her how I was so fascinated with flying, like he was and he hoped I'd get a chance to fly a lot. Christ! Little did he know….

He talked about how much he loved Mom and all his sons 'But,' he said, 'there's something special about Kevin…'. Said it gave him a real joy to know that I hadn't settled for mediocre and that he was proud that I had the gumption to leave home and 'give it a whirl'. Said he liked to think of me down in Florida being able to do what I enjoyed. Said that was the sign of real success and that if I ever ended up getting paid for it…well, that would be the gravy. He said it made the cancer easier thinking of me that way because I made him feel like he had been a good father…. I made my father feel like he had been a good Daddy. Me…. And he said that he was proud of me. Not proud of any shallow accomplishments but proud that I was such a success. Not a singing or moneymaking success…Hell, I was barely getting by. He said that I was a success as a man. He liked to think that maybe he'd had something to do with that - that gave him a real sense of peace, like he'd accomplished something while he was here … God, Daddy… you had everything to do with it… I always wondered if you were judging me. If I had fallen short, especially when you were sick. Now I see in your own words that you were judging me - and you gave me the 'thumbs up'. Maybe I can let you rest now, after all these years. Maybe I can let myself rest, too.

Shit, why can't I sleep? Maybe a pill… I shouldn't be taking these during the day or at this ungodly hour but our schedules are all screwed up. I'm gonna fall on my ass tonight if I don't get some sleep. I wonder if the electrician will have some more speed - if I need it. I probably won't need it. I just couldn't seem to wake up a couple of times, that's all. Speed was easier than the coke. Less conspicuous. As soon as my body gets used to these hours again, I won't need anything. The only reason I did the coke last night was because I didn't exactly want to be anti-social. It was a party! Just a couple of lines, that's all. AJ was the only one there and he was too busy flirting his flat ass off to see me. It wasn't any big deal anyway. It's pretty normal, actually. The shit is everywhere. I never see Brian doing it. Don't ask, don't tell. That's my new motto. Damn, Tristan would have a conniption! She doesn't understand this shit. She'd think I was shooting up or something.

Tristan…. What are you doing now, baby? Sleeping? Do you miss me? Small as this fuckin' bunk is, I wouldn't mind if you were here. … if I could press up against your ass while we spooned. If you could turn around and put your hand down between us and….Shit! Gotta stop this.. You're not here. Haven't been able to get on top of you in a couple of months now. People shouldn't make fun of the missionary position. You get a lot of bonuses fucking that way. I get to feel your legs wrapped around me. I get to feel your breasts against my chest. I get to feel the texture of our pubes rubbing and brushing together as we move. Most of all, I get to watch your face when you cum. I get to see your mouth form my name. I get to…. Shit! Stop it!

It would be so easy to have a woman. So fuckin' easy. The guys would never dare say anything to you but I have a feeling they'd work me over pretty good. Hell, if I really wanted a woman, they'd never have to know. They hardly ever knew before when it didn't even matter. But you've spoiled me baby… don't particularly care for the cheap cuts anymore… They can't do to me what you can. Christ… it's been five fuckin' weeks! You were doing sit-ups before I left …Ha!.. So worried about your 'pooch', as you call it. Shit, baby… Like I care…

Christ, what time is it? Four AM…. We're all stuck on the same bus… Can't hear anybody but Howie who's been snoring his ass off for an hour. Everybody else is quiet - now. Brian and Leigh weren't all that quiet a while ago…. Lucky little son of a bitch…..

Sleep, Kevin…Go to sleep.. Can't. Okay..Not gonna happen. Get a pill. I really need one tonight… Just one this time.

*****

Nick's eyes opened slowly. He was on the built in couch at the back of the bus. He vaguely remembered Brian shaking him and telling him to go crash but apparently, he hadn't moved. His drawing pad still lay in his lap, his fingers still wrapped around his pencil.

Guess I ought to go on to bed. Looks like everybody's asleep but me. Howie is, anyway…definitely. If I weren't so tired I'd do something to him. Maybe stick a stinky sock in his mouth or something. Put a nasty pair of my briefs on his head, kinda like a hat… Brian seems pretty good this tour. Maybe cuz Leighanne is with him. That's a help. Funny how lonely it can get in a crowd sometimes. I used to feel it before but didn't exactly know what it was. Well, Holly will be meeting me in a couple of days. That'll be good. I thought turning twenty-one would magically change my road blues but nothing's changed, really, except that I'm legal now. I'd still rather stay at the hotel than go out to clubs and stuff. Sometimes it's okay for a change but I just don't enjoy it like AJ and Howie do. Brian's not crazy about it either. Kevin? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I think he's going nuts. I think he's the loneliest of all. I might give Tris a call tomorrow if I can get a minute to myself. 'Cept she'll worry if I call her. I've heard Kevin on the phone with her…'Yeah, babe - everything's great!' The tour is great - that ain't no lie. Kevin likes the touring stuff. Trouble is, he likes the home stuff, too. Hell, we all do but we don't have new babies. Hell, he always wanted kids. Now he has them and has to leave them.

It just kills me that he named his kid Carter. Damn, talk about a shock! Kevin's seal of approval…. Who woulda thought.... I thought he would name the kid after his father or at least his brothers. I mean - they're blood. He didn't even name him after Brian…. I wonder if that hurt his feelings? Well, that's probably as close a real sign of affection as I'll ever get out of Kevin. An open sign, anyway. I see how he keeps his eye on me. I'll always be a kid to him, I guess. Most of the time, that's okay. I heard him tell AJ to quit picking at me one time. Oh, I still piss him off…. Always will. That's my role here. Each one of us plays a role in this group. Mine will always be the baby - the one they tolerate - the whiner. The one who makes them feel so worldly and superior. Howie is the neutral corner. Never hot, never cold. AJ is the entertainer. The one who doesn't let things get to him - the wild man… Shit… He does challenge the imagination, that's for sure. And he's pretty fearless which makes us less afraid to go out on a limb once in awhile. He just ain't really as wild as people think. He plays his part more for other people than for himself. Brian. Man, he's the little angel on our shoulder - our conscience - the judge. Kevin… Strong. Used to be silent. Still is about most personal stuff but damn, he's getting mouthy about a lot of shit. Solid. His edges are real sharp though. I just hope he doesn't cut himself.

He'll be okay. Kev's always okay. Eventually… He just seems worn out a little. At least he's taking vitamins. Said the doctor prescribed them. Damn, he needs them. The big guy isn't eating much, that's for sure. He was looking pretty good around Christmas.

What's that? I thought everyone was asleep. Sounds like a zipper. Kevin's bunk. Shit. He isn't asleep. Must be getting something out of his bag…

*****

When Brian rolled over, Leighanne rolled with him. Not an easy feat in a narrow bunk. They'd had sex. Sort of. He guessed that would count against his twice a week limit. He heard Kevin unzipping something in his bunk - Probably that damn pocketbook he always carries around. Bet he's pulling out the ten thousand pictures he'd already taken of the twins… Brian glanced over at the back of Leighanne's head, wondering if they would ever have any children together.

She was so totally grossed out when she told me about Tristan's belly button. 'It's gone!' she'd said. 'Her stomach had stretched so much that she has no more navel!' I thought it was kinda funny but when she turned away, I saw her put her hands on her stomach and shake her head. Kevin's so fucking lucky. Even if his wife is slightly off her rocker. I hear about the shit on the internet - how they say I'm whipped. Hell, if anybody's whipped, it's Kev. Everytime I think about that party last summer - how that Asa just waltzed in and took Tris out to the dance floor…. I almost crapped my pants when he came up to Bobby G.'s suite. He never said anything about the redhead. He never said much about the blow, either. Hell, I'm not gonna feel bad about that. He sure as hell needed it that night. That's for sure. He needed it sometimes after that, too. But then he started getting it himself. Why? I know he still uses sometimes. AJ's been cutting him some funny looks, too. Oh, Kev's discreet… always has been. But AJ's a suspicious little monkey. Always has to know what's going on.

I wonder if Tris knows? Hell, no! Stupid question… He didn't mess with the shit much over Christmas. I would know. A little dope is all, I think - except for the family dinner. Anyway, it's kinda medicinal for him. Not really social. I don't think so anyway. Sometimes I wish to hell he'd never come up to that suite. He used to drink when he got depressed. Worried me. Better to be a little wired than drunk. I guess…

*****

AJ wasn't sleeping, either. He'd like to blame it on Howie but the truth was that he'd gotten used to Howie's snoring long ago. In fact, if Howie wasn't snoring, AJ considered it a cause for a concern. The tour had been going damn well. Their performances had been on target and no one had lost their voice or sprained anything. Oh, it was still early. They were only two weeks into a long year. Professionally, they had retained their status. Personally, they may have some problems…

What the fuck's up with Brian these days? He seems up for the tour but something's off. He ain't talkin', that's for sure. Leigh is close mouthed, too. Unusual for her. Too bad Amanda isn't here. She'd sort through the shit around here and figure it out. Brian is being kinda cool towards towards Kevin. Almost acts jealous or something. Maybe it's the kids. Brian wants kids. Got all pissed about the Rolling Stone thing. This time and last time, too. It was Kev's idea for us to drop our pants. Hell, at least Brian doesn't have bird legs.

Nick seems okay. Holly's been good for him. The kid's in love big time. Makes me happy for him and sad a little bit. He's grown up - in some ways anyway. Shit, he's starting to make me feel old. Me! And Christ - those braids! What was he thinking? I could have warned him about that! I guess I shouldn't talk.

Kevin's still a- what's the word? Conundrum? Is that it? I've seen the fuckin' pills. Nick says they're vitamins. They ain't no fuckin' vitamins. They're downers, plain and simple. I'll bet Tris doesn't know…. He's awake. I can hear him fidgeting behind that curtain. A rattle. Pills. Christ, he's taking a pill. He's gonna be in a stupor…..

"Kev…you awake?"

Nothing. No answer. He's awake, but not for long. Ignoring me, that's all. Funny thing, he'll be buzzin' before the show. No funny, really. Scary's more like it. Goddamn Brian was hookin' him up, too. I know it - but shit - no one would believe that one in a million years. I've watched them disappear together. Kevin wiping his nose, Brian all spazzy and stupid. I saw Kev at the party, too. Oh yeah… I've got my eyes on the Captain. I even joked about it to get a reaction. Man, he was cool. So fuckin' cool.

When the hell did this start? He was hittin' the JD when things got fucked up for him before. Still hits it sometimes. I think I'd rather see him drunk than high. God knows what else he's taking. Downers, coke, maybe some speed. Shit, I remember when that stuff was around to heighten our senses. Kev uses it to kill his now. I don't know, man. I got a bad vibe about all of this. A real bad vibe….. We've already talked about taking next year off. I think the Backstreet Boys might be dyin'…. And I don't know what the fuck we're gonna do without each other…. I think Nick's okay. Howie's alright. I'm good - no problems with the Backstreet thing. But Brian and Kev?… I just don't know……

*****

Ben was already asleep. He was a good one. He was already sleeping in seven-hour stretches during the night. At least he'd done that for the past four nights. Mallory wasn't so good but she had gotten up to five hours at a time. Ben took after Kevin - liked his sleep. Tristan sighed as Mallory's eye's finally closed and she went limp in her arms. It was four in the morning and Tristan debated on whether or not to go back to bed or just stay up. She had a lot to do today. Mason was coming tonight. Tristan gently laid Mallory back in her crib and watched her wiggle a little, frown in her sleep like her Daddy… and finally settle into slumber.

Kevin's going to be surprised when I show up at the hotel day after tomorrow. He sounded pretty good on the phone, most of the time, but he's edgy. He's never said he wanted me to come. He doesn't want me to feel torn…..like he does. It was awful when he left this time. It's never good but as he said himself, he was leaving three this time. I sense such a tension…. He only wants to talk when he has privacy and doesn't want to call here at two AM. I saw him reading an article about post-partum depression before he left. I think he's afraid I'll get it or something. I was kind of upset about the breast-feeding thing. Fisher said 'Not this time… Not with the blood pressure medicine…' But I'm okay with it now. My breasts finally settled down. They look pretty normal except for a stretch mark or two on the underside. Cocoa butter has already help that a lot.

I can even get back into my old clothes! The nurse at Fisher's office was amazed. 'Some women just snap back…' she said. 'Me, I'm still fighting the baby fat and my baby's twelve years old!' Mason's coming tomorrow. He's going to watch the kids when I go to Toronto. Ann said she'd do it - in fact she's the one who suggested that I go surprise Kevin - not that I hadn't been thinking about it. Away, they'll both do it. Had to see Fisher first, though. It hasn't been six weeks yet but tough!

Kevin was so funny about the circumcision… I wanted to leave it up to him and he actually made a list of arguments for and against the procedure. Bottom line - he didn't like the idea of anyone slicing on his son's pee pee. My question seemed to help him make up his mind. 'Kevin, do you want Ben to look like his Daddy, or not?' That did it. Fisher did the circumcision that afternoon. I thought Kevin might faint. Seriously.

He's already started doting on those children. He had 'show and tell' with them one day before the guys left. I stood outside the door and heard Kevin say 'Look at this! Better stand back, though…' Curiosity got the better of me and I looked in the door. He was taking off Ben's diaper. Then he stood back and started counting. When he got to five, Ben cut loose like a geyser. The guys were very impressed with his 'range' and Kevin looked downright proud. Jeez… Then he says…'Take a look at those balls…' I couldn't believe my ears. Nick says 'Damn - they're huge…' and Kevin nods and grabs his own crotch. Then Brian says 'All boy babies look like they have big balls. They grow into them…' I think that kind of pissed Kevin off.

He sounds edgy on the phone. Wired and tense. Sometimes he talks so fast, I can hardly understand him. Kevin…talking fast…. Something's not right. That's okay. We'll be together in two days…. And he can have it anyway he wants it…. And every way he wants it….

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Fiction by Grace