CHAPTER 23

“Sweet Jesus! She knows!” Holly cried out to Amanda and Leighanne.

She was out of breath having run after Tristan for as long as she could before losing her in the rush hour crowd.

“How in the hell could she know?” Amanda shouted above the street noise. “We’ve been with her all afternoon! No one has talked to her - she was fine until fifteen minutes ago!”

“Shit!” Leighanne whispered under her breath. “I think Holly’s right. She was on the phone checking messages when she got upset. Someone must have left a message telling her about Lily.” Leighanne let her body lean against the stone facade of the department store. “What in the hell do we do now? Kevin’s going to go nuts!”

Holly was silent for a moment, fighting to hold back tears. “Did you see the way she looked at us? At me? She realized that we already knew about this. If she thinks we knew, she thinks the guys knew, too - including Kevin.” Tears fell down her cheeks. “She feels like we’ve been lying to her - covering up....She feels like she has no one now.” Holly grabbed a tissue from her pocket and wiped at her eyes. “Damn it! She’s never been less than kind and open to me - and Nick, too. Fuck!”

“Well, I guess we were covering up, weren’t we?” Amanda ground out her cigarette onto the pavement.

“God only knows what’s going through her mind...” Leighanne sighed. “We have to go back to the hotel.”

“Yes.” Holly agreed. “The longer we wait, the harder it will take to find her. Kevin’s going to go through the roof...”

“Or worse....” Amanda added. “I’d rather see him blow up than close up, at this point.” The others nodded. “Is it possible that Tris went back to the hotel?”

The three women looked at each other and shook their heads. They were grasping at straws. Tristan was running.

*****************

Kevin was pacing. The girls should have been back by now. He called each of the guy’s rooms but there had been no answers. When the hotel phone rang, Kevin leaped across an end table to answer it.

“Tristan?” he shouted into the receiver.

“Uh, no...it’s me...Mason.”

“Shit!” Kevin whispered, exasperated.

“Well, so nice to talk to you, too, Kevin!” Mason responded coolly. “I need to speak to Tris. I take it she isn’t there.”

“If she was here, do you think I would have answered the phone the way I did, Mason? I don’t know where the fuck she is!”

Mason didn’t like this. He would have thought little of it had it not been for Kevin’s tone. “What’s going on, Kevin? You’re obviously upset.” He hesitated. “Does this have anything to do with Lily Shafer?”

“What the hell do you know about Lily Shafer?” Kevin asked angrily. “Who have you been talking to?”

“Cut the shit, Kevin!” Mason didn’t like beating around the bush. “I know about the pregnancy thing. Does Tristan know yet?”

Kevin flopped down on the edge of the bed. He could feel the tension in his back move up to his shoulders and neck. It finally rested in his forehead.

“I’ve been waiting for to come back here, Mason, so I could talk to her.” Kevin put his hand to his head, trying to rub the tension away. “I know I need to do this. I can’t put it off any longer. Lily finally came out and said definitely that she was pregnant.”

“I’m sure she’ll be back soon. She has a performance tomorrow night, remember? You two will work this out.” Mason spoke with a confidence he didn’t feel. Holly had filled him in pretty well on what was going on and their fear of Tristan’s reaction to such news. Although Mason had no allegiance to Kevin, he found himself concerned about his mental state, too. To Mason, it sounded like the only consistently happy days they’d had together had occurred when they were in Kentucky. “I’m in room 819. Tell Tris I have her clothes and music. Asa wants her to play a Chopin piece in honor of some anniversary or something.”

Kevin’s eyes opened at the mention of the conductor’s name.

“Asa? Asa Whitmore?” He was sure he had misunderstood.

“Yes...that’s right....” Mason sensed that Kevin was not overly fond of Asa. He remembered what Tristan had told him about Key West and winced. “Uh...Tris didn’t mention him?”

“No.”

“Well, it was a last minute thing. He’s guesting for one night.”

“I see...”

“It’s good that she’ll have some moral support, right Kev? I mean, since she hasn’t played publicly in a while....” Mason made a point of sounding casual, trying to smooth out any ill conceived wrinkles in Kevin’s thoughts about Asa and Tristan. “...and she may need someone there for her, right?”

“What the fuck am I, Mason?” Kevin snapped. “Do you think the Mighty Maestro can give her more than I can?”

“No! No, Kevin! Of course not! I didn’t mean....”

“I’ll tell Tristan you’re here. Bye Mason.” Kevin slammed the phone back into its cradle. Fuck. Just what I need. Good old Asa - always around in a crunch. Always there with a willing shoulder to lean on....

Kevin’s thoughts were interrupted by a loud banging on his door. He walked over to answer it, somewhat annoyed. Tristan had a key and he didn’t feel like company. He was caught by surprise when he found Nick, Holly, AJ, Amanda, Brian and Leighanne standing outside. He noticed immediately that the group was one person short. Tristan was not among them. Kevin saw that Holly was holding the cell phone that a customer service rep at the hotel had purchased for Tristan at his request. He hadn’t wanted her to be without a phone and had wondered why she hadn’t answered when he had tried calling her ten minutes ago. The anxiety Kevin felt at seeing the phone in Holly’s hand escalated when he looked into the faces of his friends.

“Where is she?” he asked evenly, trying desperately to show no emotion.

***********************

Tristan didn’t know how many blocks she had run before her legs and lungs finally gave out on her. Her eyes were glazed but no longer teary. She didn’t know whether that was because she had been running into the wind or if her brain had overruled her heart for a short time so she wouldn’t be running down city streets blinded by tears. As she paused to catch her breath, she looked behind her making sure she had lost Holly. Damn all of them! How long had they known? How long had they been lying to her and feeling so sorry for ‘poor little Tristan’? Poor, stupid, naive little Tristan. Tristan the mouse, the whore.... She couldn’t think. Her head hurt from the questions. Tristan made a conscience effort to empty her mind for the time being. She would find a hotel and rest. She had a desire for quiet, solitude and darkness - no explanations, no excuses, no voices. Her hand flew up and a cab stopped almost immediately, whisking her away to the nearest decent hotel.

*****************

“Kev,” Nick began.

He was silenced by Holly’s whimper. Kevin looked at Holly, examining her face. She looked shaken. He repeated his question.

“Where’s Tristan?”

“We need to come in, Kev.” AJ said and pushed his way past Kevin and into the room. The others followed as Kevin tried to brace himself. He knew this unexpected visitation wasn’t social.

“Why do you have Tris’ phone, Holly? Where is she?” Kevin grilled. “Is she hurt?”

“Let’s sit down, Kev.” AJ suggested nodding towards the small sitting area in the room. The group made a move in that direction.

“Hold up!” Kevin shouted, not moving. “Somebody better start talking! NOW!”

Holly drew a deep breath. “Kevin, we..Tris and I were waiting for Amanda and Leighanne.....”

“Waiting where?” Kevin interrupted.

“In the department store. They were paying for some things and Tris decided to check your messages while we waited....”

Kevin grew impatient. “Go on.”

Amanda cut in. “She was listening to the messages and all of a sudden, her face got funny...”

“Funny? What do you mean, ‘funny’?” Kevin’s breaths were becoming deeper.

“She looked....well.....”

“She looked shocked....upset...” Leighanne continued. “She had been fine before, making jokes and stuff...”

“Then she looked at us like she didn’t know us.....” Amanda said, looking at the floor. “She handed Holly her phone.....”

“Gave Holly her phone? Why?” Kevin wasn’t getting this.

“She handed me the phone and said she didn’t want it anymore. Then she started backing away.” Holly started to cry. “She ran away from us, Kevin! She knows! I can feel it in my gut! Tristan knows about Lily!”

Nick stepped up behind Holly and put his arms around her shoulders. He knew that Holly had tried hard to protect Tristan and Kevin, too. Her attempts had failed and she felt guilty.

“Shhh, baby....easy. You couldn’t stop this...” Nick leaned over and whispered into her ear trying to calm her.

“Check the messages, Kevin!” Holly cried, holding Tristan’s phone out to him. “She heard something...”

Kevin took the phone gently from Holly’s outstretched hand. “Where is she?” he asked once more, looking from woman to woman.

“I tried to catch her, Kevin! I really did!”

“She took off.” Amanda said quietly. “We don’t know where. She just ran.”

*****************

Tristan stepped out of the cab in front of the St. Charlotte Hotel, one of the finer establishments in the city. All she had with her, she carried. She paused to look at the announcements of upcoming events that hung inside a glass case in the entryway. A small poster advertising her engagement with the local symphony was displayed next to a larger size placard announcing the return of the Backstreet Boys to the city. Tristan shook her head and wiped a tear from the corner of her eye before it could fall. The images on the posters said what she couldn’t articulate. There was Kevin, thrusting his hips in black leather next to a photograph of her sitting demurely at the piano wearing lavender lace. Leather and lace. The sexy pop singer and the classical pianist. Night and day. Black and white. Hard and soft. Kevin and Tristan. Had they ever really had a prayer?

Tristan walked over to desk and requested a room. It wasn’t as simple as she thought it would have been. Payment was no problem. The problem was that she was an attractive, unescorted woman with no luggage. After a few moments of speculation, the clerk called the manager. All Tristan wanted was a bath and a bed. She didn’t have the energy to defend her interests but she was going to have to convince these jerks that she was a piano player and not a call girl wanting to do business with wealthy clientele in one of their fine rooms. Tristan whipped out her identification and referred the two men to the poster hanging in the lobby. After profuse apologies, they asked her how long she would be a guest there and handed her a key. Out of habit, rang for a bellboy.

“I don’t think I’ll be needing any help, do you?” she asked sarcastically.

“Uh...no ma’am. I’m sorry. Is there anything you need, Miss Mallory?”

“Is there a mini-bar in the room?”

“Yes ma’am. Shall I tell Mr. Whitmore that you’ve check in?”

“Asa?” she asked, puzzled. Asa Whitmore?”

“Yes ma’am. You’re perfroming with him tomorrow, isn’t that right?”

“Yes, of course.” Tristan answered absently and then paused. “There’s no need to disturb Mr. Whitmore.”

“As you wish, ma’am and the bar in your room is fully stocked.”

“That’s all I’ll need for now. Thank you.” Tristan turned and walked to the elevators.

“It’s an honor to have you here, Miss Mallory.”

Tristan gazed blankly at the manager as the elevator doors closed.

******************

Kevin pushed the speaker phone button beside the receiver and called his home in Orlando. The room was silent as he punched in the password and waited. Several messages echoed from the small speaker - credit card companies, salesmen and even a wrong number. Finally, the last message began. Kevin watched Holly close her eyes as the caller identified herself.

“Mr. Richardson? This is Jane Dunning calling from Dr. Daniel Marcos’ office. I’m just calling to confirm some information given to us by Miss Lily Shafer. As you know, Miss Shafer is an obstetrics patient of Dr. Marcos. She has told us that you, as the prospective father, have agreed have agreed to be responsible for all fees, prescriptions, medical and hospital costs regarding her pregnancy.” Kevin’s eyes closed as one hand covered his mouth. Christ, Tris had learned about this from a stranger on a cell phone. The voice continued. “If there is any problem or question regarding this matter, please give us a call at 873-9227. Thank you and congratulations.”

No one spoke as Kevin walked over to the window and stared out over the city. Where is she? I need to find Tristan......

**********************

Tristan examined the bathroom while water filled the tub. Thankfully, the hotel provided every amenity including a toothbrush and hairdryer. She could wash out her underwear tonight and wear the same clothes tomorrow, if she felt like getting dressed at all. All she wanted to do tonight was sleep. As she watched the water flow into the tub, she prayed that she would sleep and that her sleep would be dreamless. She was very much aware of her feelings of groundlessness and isolation and entertained grave doubts about the faith and trust she had put in her friends. Her feelings about Kevin weren’t so clear, but she didn’t want to think about that right now.

A hot bath might help her to relax but she was wired. Tristan checked the mini bar and saw that it was well stocked with both wine and liquor. A night-cap might be in order. She poured herself a large glass of wine and rinsed her panties, bra and stockings in the sink. After hanging them on a towel rack, she checked to see if her bath was ready. There were no candles or bubbles. The atmosphere was anything but sensuous but that was alright. She didn’t need sensuality right now - she needed to think. She had avoided trying to grasp the situation until now but she had to deal with it. Tristan set her glass on the edge of the tub and submerged herself in the warm water, noting that this was her second lonely bath in as many weeks. The tears came furiously. Fragments of thoughts and questions swirled around her brain. She could almost visualize them as if they were headlines in a newspaper. Lily’s triumphant smirk, leather and lace, why no protection, Kevin?, black and white, the miscarriage, hard and soft, her ruby ring, night and day and finally, ‘ I love you. Remember that - no matter what’. No matter what....no matter what...... .He had known about this when he used those words. They all had.

Hindsight was, indeed, 20 - 20. She realized that she had missed the signals. The day he came home early from rehearsals and brought her the roses - that wasn’t so unusual but then he had denied her the pleasure of touching him. That was unusual. He always wanted her hands on his him. She now knew that he was denying himself. He had been uncharacteristically clingy. The overly watchful eyes at the club. Kevin’s public displays - had he been trying to prove something? Amanda changing her travel plans to stay with her. Kevin and Holly’s exchange after the sound check. His elevated need for control and comfort..... God, she had been blind.

Tristan shivered and became aware of the fact that she was sitting in a tub of cold water. When she checked the time, she was surprised to find that two hours had gone by. Her glass was empty but she didn’t remember drinking. She climbed out of the tub and wrapped herself in the hotel robe. She felt helpless and lost and felt the need to be held. As if on cue, she heard a soft rapping at her door and when she opened it, she was surprised to find Asa there. His expression betrayed his worry.

“They told me downstairs that you had registered, Tris. Why are you here?” His tone was almost grave.

Tristan attempted to act nonchalant. “I needed some space - you know - from the fans. I have to relax. It’s been a while since I’ve played and....

“Cut the crap, Tristan! Does Kevin know where you are?”

“Kevin isn’t my keeper, Asa!” Tristan said defensively. “I am a free woman and over the age of twenty one!” She crossed her arms, turned her back to him and marched over to the mini bar. “Would you like something to drink?” she asked, trying to change the subject as she refilled her glass.

“I’ve never known you to be a drinker, Tristan...”

“A glass of wine hardly qualifies me as a sot, Asa!”

“The bottle is almost empty. You’ve been here for two and a half hours and you have no luggage!”

Tristan couldn’t suppress a giggle. She whirled around and faced her old friend. “What, Asa? Are you doing P.I. work on the side, now? Maybe you should call Kevin. He likes to talk to private investigators!” She put the glass to her lips and began to swallow. Tristan didn’t make a pretense at sipping.

“I think that’s a good idea, Tris!” Asa said harshly as he walked over to her and grabbed the glass out of her hand. “ I think I will call Kevin! They’re staying at the Crown Royale, right?” Asa stepped over to the nightstand and picked up the phone.

Tristan’s eyes grew wide and she leaped at Asa, grabbing the phone from his hand and slamming it into the cradle. “Don’t you dare!” she screamed. “Please, Asa...please don’t...” her face started to crumble and Asa saw her eyes fill with tears. “Please...”

Asa opened his arms to Tristan and she accepted the invitation, collapsing in his embrace and sobbing against his chest. He held her tightly and slowly moved Tristan to the bed. Asa climbed in beside her, whispering softly to calm her as she laid against him. She was so tired and vulnerable and he thought that it would be possible for him to have her - to make love to her. He had wanted her for so long....

CHAPTER 24

The group stayed in Kevin’s room for about five more minutes. Kevin had said nothing since hanging up the phone - he just gazed out of the window. This concerned AJ but when he began to see a smile play at the corners of Kevin’s mouth, his concern began to turn to worry. He turned to Nick but Holly had already gotten his attention and was nodding towards the window. Kevin had never gotten back to his top form but he looked almost frail standing there in the moonlight.

“Tristan will call, Kev.” AJ said matter of factly.

“Maybe...” Kevin smiled.

Kevin smiled. You didn’t see too many of those on good days. AJ could see the wall going up between Kevin and the group.

“Look, Kevin, it’s after ten o’ clock. Let’s get you some food, man. We’ll all go out...” The others murmured in agreement....”or we can order in. What do you say?”

“I say, ‘Goodnight, Alex’...”

“But...”

“Goodnight. Thanks for your help, but there’s nothing anyone can do. Y’all go eat. I’m not hungry anyway. I’d just as soon be alone for awhile...” He remained at the window. It had started to rain. “I hope she’s somewhere warm....”

**************

“I need to stop by the room for a minute. I’ll meet you all downstairs.” Holly said as they headed for the elevators.

She joined them in the hotel restaurant a few minutes later and avoided Nick’s questioning expression. No one had much to say. Like Kevin, they wondered where Tris was and hoped she was safe and close by. No one could seem to formulate a plan of action. Doing anything would have been better than doing nothing.

AJ allowed his musings to be heard. “What would you do if that was me, Amanda?” referring to Kevin’s predicament.

Nick and Holly glanced at each other. That seemed to be a common question these days. He rubbed her thigh under the table, glad of the answer he had received and curious about Amanda’s.

“You mean before or after I cut off your balls and mailed them to your mother...” she responded.

“Damn, baby!”

“Hell, AJ! You probably already have a half dozen brats running around somewhere!” Amanda frowned.

AJ sat back in his chair with a grunt. “Are you sayin’ I can’t control myself?”

“No...I’m just sayin’ that you like the ladies.” Amanda stated without anger.

Amanda and AJ had an unusual relationship. They had often separated for a time, but always ended up back together. They’d had their share of pain but there was no doubt that they loved and respected each other. They were definitely birds of a feather who would likely end up hatching a nest full of eggs one day.

“What about you, Leighanne?” Brian asked seriously. “What would you do if you found out that I had gotten someone pregnant?”

Everyone at the table looked at Brian wide-eyed and then burst into gales of laughter.

“What?” he asked, looking around the table, offended.

“Please, Brian!” Leighanne answered with sarcasm. “Let’s save that one for ‘Ripley’s Believe It or Not’!”

“Or “The World’s Funniest Home Video’s” Nick added.

“How about the ‘X-Files?” AJ chimed in, laughing.

“Hey!” Brian pouted, thoroughly insulted.

Amanda sighed. “I guess it really isn’t funny....”

The mood became somber once again until Holly made an announcement.

“I made a reservation. I’m flying to Orlando tomorrow morning. Who’s coming with me?”

The announcement caught everyone by surprise - especially Nick.

“What the hell are you talking about, Holly?” He sounded angry.

“I’m going to Orlando tomorrow. I want to check out this Dr. Marcos and try to get some information. I’m not real good at bluffing, though.” She glanced around the table. “Amanda?”

“This lady isn’t getting on any damn plane for a long, long time, Holly. Thank you very much..” AJ was emphatic.

“Now wait a God damn minute, Holly!” Nick hissed. His face was getting pink. “What do you think you’re doing?”

Holly didn’t understand Nick’s quarrel with this. “Well, I’m going to get some information, of course! I think Amanda has good instincts. She thinks there’s something wrong with all of this Lily business and I think she’s right! I just want to find out what, that’s all.”

“And how do you plan to do this?” Brian asked. His patronizing tone was back. Holly could tell that Leighanne’s feathers were a bit ruffled.

“I have a script in mind!” Holly answered defensively. “I just can’t act, that’s all! I want to make sure Lily’s pregnant and if she is, just how far along she is. I haven’t heard anyone consider the question of Kevin’s actual paternity. What if she was pregnant before they slept together? What if she’s not as far along as she says she is?.....”

“What if she’s not pregnant at all?” Amanda finished.

“Exactly!” Holly nodded.

“I’m an actress.” Leighanne said quietly.

Brian threw his napkin down on the table.

“Oh, no - don’t even think about it! You’re not gonna do this Leighanne! I forbid it!” Brian flopped back in his chair, sticking out his chin. The master had spoken.

Leighanne turned slowly towards Brian. The look on her face said it all. She was in the middle of a slow burn.

“Oh shit...” AJ mumbled.

“You what?” she asked incredulously. “Don’t you dare try to pull a ‘Kevin’ on me, Brian Litrell!” she spoke softly, but the anger was unmistakable. “I don’t see you doing a damn thing but judging and that’s not helping anyone! I think Amanda and Holly are right. Something’s wrong here!” She turned to Holly. “What time do we leave?”

“Eight o’ clock in the morning.” Holly answered.

“Leighanne...” Brian whined.

“Shut up, Brian! Go......go write a song, memorize scripture or something!” With that, Leighanne got up and stomped off towards the elevator.

*******************

Nick and Holly didn’t speak in the elevator. He was pissed. It was never hard to tell when Nick was angry. Holly watched him from the corner of her eye as he rocked up and down on his toes, his fingers clenched. He stared straight ahead. When they reached their floor and the doors opened, he stepped through them in front of her and walked quickly to their room, leaving Holly in his wake. By the time she got to their door, Nick had thrown the key on the dresser, kicked off his shoes and turned on the television. At least he’d had the courtesy to leave the door open. He sat on the bed, staring at the screen and feigning fascination. Holly glanced at the television to see it tuned to a shopping channel. The hostess smiled at the cameras, singing the praises of Annette Funicello’s teddy bears. Part of Holly wanted to ignore Nick and force him to open up on his own. He always would - eventually. It was the ‘eventually’ part that bothered her. It had been a long and draining day. She wanted to dispel as much tension as possible.

“So, Nick,” Holly said as she flopped down on the bed beside him, “you doing some early Christmas shopping, or what?”

His only response was turning up the volume with the remote control. Holly could be stubborn, too, but she didn’t feel like she had time for this right now. She would be leaving in the morning. Nick wasn’t playing games with her. She learned a long time ago that while he was very expressive on stage and in bed, he had a hard time articulating his true feelings. Holly sensed that Kevin was not the only Backstreet Boy who had a strong fear of rejection. When she edged closer to Nick on the bed, he shifted his weight away from her and continued to stare at the screen.

“Am I bothering you, Nick?” she asked him. Her tone betrayed her annoyance.

“No.” he responded, still looking at the teddy bears.

“How ‘bout now?” Holly shouted, grabbing the remote, clicking off the TV and throwing the control across the room.

“Hey...”

“We need to talk, Nick.” Holly climbed over Nick’s legs and straddled him, forcing him to make eye contact with her. He could have thrown her off of him if he had wanted to. She considered the fact that he didn’t a hopeful sign.

Nick’s arms were crossed over his chest. Holly could see his tongue pushing against the inside of his cheek.

“So talk....” he told her. His voice was definitely on the cool side.

“Are you mad about me going to Orlando?”

“I’m not thrilled about it, no. You could have discussed it with me first.” Nick looked around the room as if this discussion bored him.

“So you’re not mad about me going - you’re mad because we didn’t talk about it?”

Nick didn’t want to have to spell it out, but he guessed he would have to. He brought his eyes back to hers.

“I just don’t appreciate getting the ‘news’ along with everyone else. It’s like I’m just one of the guys! Nothing special. I felt like a fool not knowing what my own wom...” Nick stopped mid word to rephrase his objection. “What my own girlfriend was planning. Like we don’t communicate or something...like we just sleep together...”

“So you don’t really mind me going?”

“Shit, Holly!” Nick’s arms came down to his side. “Are you listening to me? I understand what you’re trying to do and if it’ll help end this mess, I’m all for it! I know you feel bad about what happened, but you shouldn’t. No one should. I mean we all feel bad - but we shouldn’t feel responsible... Do you understand what I mean?” Nick asked doubtfully.

“Yes.” Holly leaned over and placed a small kiss on Nick’s lips.

His response was minimal. Holly sat back up and looked him in the face. His tongue went back to his cheek. and he looked away from her.

“Okay, Nick. What else?”

“Nothing....” he shrugged.

“Answer me, please.” Holly pleaded softly. She put her hand on his cheek and turned his face towards hers again. “Don’t make me beg, Nick.”

“Why should I worry about answering you, Holly? You didn’t answer me, did you?” Nick’s seemingly nonchalant attitude belied his hurt.

“What are you talking about? What question didn’t I answer?”

Nick’s hurt displayed itself in anger. “Look Holly - go to Orlando! That’s up to you!” He paused for a moment. “How long will you be gone?”

“I’ll be back tomorrow night....Tris’ concert, remember?”

“Oh, yeah - if she shows up to play....” Nick regrouped and fell back to his complaint. “Like I said - go to Orlando. I don’t care. I mean, I care, but that’s not what.. Shit! ...” Nick was stumbling. “Look. Do you remember out talk last night?”

“Of course, I do. But....”

“You didn’t answer me. You didn’t answer when I asked you how you felt about us getting married! I take that to mean that you’re not crazy about the idea...”

Holly closed her eyes for a moment. Damn...I’ve hurt him. It probably took all he had just to ask me that...

“I’m sorry, Nick. I really am.”

Email Grace

---