CHAPTER 30

Kevin and Tristan still had some talking to do. They had yet to verbalize their feelings about the news of Lily's pregnancy much less discuss how they would handle it as a couple, now or in the future. There were also some things which had been shelved concerning Asa and his relationship with Tristan. She let Kevin know last night that she and Asa had not slept together on the night that he stayed with her but had not told him of Asa's decision to separate from her professionally. These discussions would come very soon, perhaps before the day was over. They would be painful.

The busses would soon be taking them to the next town where the Backstreet Boys would, once again, play to a sold out arena. Tristan would be playing again tonight, too. The group would be busy until their show was over and they could get back to the hotel. Kevin and Tristan would have no time to be alone for at least twelve more hours, maybe more. She was determined to try and stay as rational as possible when she and Kevin talked about these things but she really had very little information. She needed to clear things up with her friends, especially Holly, before any damage became permanent. They all deserved the benefit of her doubt and they would have it. No one had dared mention Lily at breakfast this morning and Tristan was just as glad of that, but that didn't change the urgency of the situation.

The group met security and Howie at the service elevators and rode down to the basement level where they would meet the busses at a side entrance below ground. It was when they were getting ready to board that Tristan made her suggestion.

"How about we do the boy-girl thing this time?" she asked hesitantly. "It's only about a four hour ride to the next stop."

"What do you mean - 'boy-girl thing'?" Kevin asked her He knew already that he wasn't going to like this.

"You know…guys on one bus, girls on the other. Just this time…"

"Are you kidding?" he laughed. Looking at the others.

"Do I look like I'm kidding, Kevin?"

Kevin looked at her again. No, she didn't look like she was kidding.

"Why?"

"Becaaause….", Tristan stretched the word,…."we have some catching up to do."

The other three women nodded.

"That's right!" Amanda chimed in, picking up Tristan's cue. "Girl talk."

Oh, how Kevin hated that term. Guy talk was usually about sports and dirty jokes. He suspected that girl talk was always personal. The term always brought to mind a committee of women sitting around comparing notes and rating mens' sexual prowess and technique on some arbitrary scale. AJ apparently had a similar notion.

"I guess they want to talk about their boyfriends and shit!" AJ said patronizingly, batting his lashes and speaking in a high falsetto.

"Boyfriends. Shit. The same difference!" Amanda spat back at him, successfully knocking him down a peg or two on the arrogance ladder.

All eyes turned to Kevin awaiting a decision from the commander as if it hadn't already been made in favor of the temporary mutiny. He looked at his bandmates. Howie just smiled and rocked on his toes. Why the hell would he care? AJ looked testy. He and Amanda probably need a break. Brian seemed downright relieved at the possibility. He doesn't want to hear Leigh bitch about that 'tit' shit all day. Nick pouted. He obviously didn't care much for this idea of separating. Kevin agreed with Nick. They were, however, outnumbered. Kevin decided that the best course would be surrender.

"Okay." He relented. "But let's not make this a regular thing."

Amanda rolled her eyes at Kevin's pomposity and promptly led the female charge to Bus #1.

The guy's ears were burning already.

*******************

The four women climbed onto the bus without a backward glance. The driver was just revving up the engine as they tossed their belongings onto a bunk and stood in the middle of the aisle looking at each other.

"Let's go to the back." Tristan suggested.

They had no sooner seated themselves before pebbles bounced off of a rear window. Leighanne got up and looked out to see AJ standing outside beside the bus and mouthing Amanda's name.

"It's for you…" she said to Amanda as she flopped down on a chair.

"Shit! What the hell does he want?" she responded, annoyed.

Amanda pulled herself up from the sofa and strutted to the window, scratching her behind on the way. AJ stood waiting and when he saw her; he made a 'V' with his index and middle finger. Amanda thought he was giving her a 'peace sign' and softened a little at his attempt to placate her with sign language. Then AJ turned his hand and started tapping his 'peace sign' to his lips.

"Shit!" Amanda said again. "He wants his smokes!" She grabbed her purse and began to fumble through it. "Sooo fuckin' helpless…" she muttered under her breath.

Tristan noticed Leighanne nodding in agreement as Amanda slid the window open and threw the pack outside. The bus began to pull away as soon as Amanda's rear end hit the sofa.

It was very quiet for several minutes. No one really wanted to begin the conversation they all knew they must have. Holly hadn't looked up from her lap since the bus pulled away. Tristan felt it was up to her to begin this. Amanda loved 'girl talk' but old business had to be cleared up first. She coughed a little to clear her throat and began.

"I need to…"

"Let's see if there's anything up front to drink before we start!" Amanda blurted out. "I'm parched!"

She jumped up before any protest could be issued and came back soon after with a gleam in her eye.

"Five bottles of wine up there and a case of beer! Looks like we got the fun bus!"

"No Diet Cokes or juice?" Leighanne whined.

"NO!" Amanda shouted at her. "For God's sake, Leigh! Loosen up a little! It's just the girls here now. Have a glass of wine…pretend it's communion or something! I'll even bring you a saltine to go with it!" Amanda stomped back up to the front of the bus and returned with two bottles of wine, two paper cups and a six pack. "I'll get the rest later."

"The rest!" Leighanne gasped.

Amanda laughed. "You'll want more - I promise!" Then she became very serious. "Damn, Leigh! I'm sorry! I forgot your saltine…" she teased as she picked up a can of beer, popped the top and took the first of many long swigs.

"Ha….ha…Amanda! You are such a smarty pants!"

Amanda almost choked on her beer. "Smarty pants? Jesus, Leigh!"

"You are a smarty pants!" Leighanne pouted.

"Watch it, Leigh. You might hurt my fuckin' feelings." Amanda said sarcastically. "But, hey - at least I do wear pants, even if they are 'smarty'!

"Don't you start with that panty thing again, Amanda…" Leighanne warned.

"What are you gonna do Leigh? Hit me with your Bible?" Amanda paused. "Hey, isn't there a commandment about wearing panties?"

Both women were standing now and facing off. They hadn't noticed that the guys' bus had pulled up along side, running even with theirs. They didn't see the five faces peering out of the window at them or the five hands that stopped mid-wave as Leighanne and Amanda got nose to nose and Leighanne began to push up her sleeves as Amanda flipped her the bird.

Holly didn't know what was happening. It sounded to her like some old, unsettled argument between the two had resurfaced. It also sounded to her like Leighanne was getting picked on. When she stood up to try and end the battle, Tristan stood, too.

"Now, Take it easy, Leigh…" Tristan said stepping in front of the short and very angry blond. "Amanda doesn't mean anything…"

"It sounds like she means something to me!" Holly mumbled.

Tristan did a double take, surprised that Holly had felt the need to get involved. "Uh…Holly, I think you'd better stay out of this…."

"I'd better stay out of this? What about you?" Holly's voice rose and she took a step closer to Tristan.

"Yeah!" Leighanne piped up. "Just because you're…you're having intercourse with Mr. Control doesn't mean you're in charge of Holly!"

Amanda burst out laughing. "Having intercourse? Intercourse? Jeez, Leigh…." She put her hands on her hips and glared. "You have a real problem with the word 'fuck' don't you?"

Holly was getting hot. Amanda's attitude towards Leighanne was unfair.

Tristan tried to diffuse the escalating anger. She hoped a miniscule attempt at humor might help. "Watch out Amanda! Didn't you ever hear of getting your mouth washed out with soap?" It wasn't great but it was all she could come up with.

Unfortunately, Amanda didn't catch the lightness. She turned to Tristan with a victorious gleam in her eye. "I doubt you'll find any soap left in this state, Tris! After you and Kevin took your four-hour shower last night, I doubt there's any left! Shit! I'll bet your fingertips are still wrinkled!"

"What did you say?" Tristan whispered, he face turning red.

Holly and Leighanne faced Tristan, staring. "Four hours?" They said together.

"God damn it Amanda! What do you do - lean against the wall with a glass to your ear?" Tristan shouted and pushed Amanda's shoulder.

"Four hours? Really?" Holly repeated, wide-eyed "What is that? Is it that tantric sex stuff? Does that have anything to do with that yoga crap Kevin's doing? Can he……"

"Shut up, Holly!" Tristan yelled loudly.

"Oh my Lord…." Leighanne sighed. "Yoga…."

"I know…" Amanda shook her head in mock sadness. "Poor Kevin's going straight to hell with those heathen practices. If only…" Amanda looked to the heavens as if pleading. "…if only he had just followed Brian's lead and made a move to 'silicone valley' instead….."

"I actually think Kevin's more of an 'ass' man…" Holly offered.

"How the hell would you know what Kevin is?" Tristan's eyes hardened.

Leighanne picked up a bottle of wine and filled a large paper cup. She drank half of it down before adding her observation.

"Oh I definitely think Holly's right. You just can't see him watch yours." Holly and Amanda nodded. Tristan wasn't sure whether or not to be pleased or pissed. "But we've all seen it…."

***********

"What the fuck is going on over there, man?" Nick asked, his nose still pressed against the glass. "Looks like some kind of bitch fight goin' on…"

"God dammit…." Kevin said under his breath. "I knew this was a bad idea…"

"They're drinkin' over there! Look! My Leigh's drinkin' wine like it's water!" Brian was shocked.

AJ turned his cap around so he could get his face closer to the window. "Ooooh! This looks like it could get hot! Damn! I wish we could hear what they were saying!"

Bus #1 began to pull ahead.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" AJ shouted. "Howie! Go tell the driver to keep us even with the girls' bus!"

"Why?" Howie asked, licking his lips. "Do you think they might take their clothes off and stuff like that?"

Kevin turned to Howie with a look of disgust. "Why the fuck do you think they would take off their clothes, D? What do you think - that they're filming a women's prison movie over there?"

"Oooooh… Damn! I love those movies…." AJ sighed.

Kevin rolled his eyes and looked back out of the window. Holly was up in Tristan's face. She looked mad. A minute later, Tristan was shoving Amanda.

"Fuck…Nick, call Holly on her cell. Find out what the hell is going on over there. Find out how much they've had to drink."

"Gee, Kev…what happened to 'please'? You issuing orders here?"

"Just call her, Nick!"

"Yeah!" Nick said angrily, pressing the buttons on his cell. "I'm gonna call her and tell her not to take any shit from those bitches!"

Kevin crossed his arms and looked at Nick evenly. "You calling Tris a bitch, man?"

"Uh…no…not Tris…"

"Leighanne?" Brian frowned.

"Naw, Frick…I wouldn't do that, man…"

All eyes turned slowly to AJ. He turned from the window to meet their stares. His eyes narrowed as they looked at him. Then he looked away and shrugged.

"What can I say…..?"

*******************

Holly had just finished her first beer when she recognized the sound of her cell phone coming from her purse.

"Hold on, ladies…let me get that."

All three women relaxed and stretched as if taking a commercial break from their unfolding drama. Tristan poured herself another cup of wine and refilled Leighanne's cup as well. They smiled at each other and waited for Amanda to open another beer before tapping their drinks together and raising them in a mock salute. They had all let out a lot of tension. It didn't hurt that they were well on their way to the land of inebriation, either. They turned at the sound of Holly's voice coming back to the rear compartment.

"What?" Holly yelled gaping at the window. "I don't believe you!"

She put her hand over the mouthpiece of the phone and spoke to the others.

"Will you all look at this, please?" She said, nodding towards the window.

Tristan, Amanda and Leighanne joined Holly at the large window on the left side of the bus. They couldn't believe it when they saw the five faces staring back at them not ten feet away. Four of them looked pissed.

"They want to know what the fuck's going on over here." Holly relayed.

"I knew this would kill them!" Amanda smirked. "Tell them it's none of their God damned business!"

"Tell them we're having a party!" Leighanne giggled and waved a wine bottle over her head.

"Tell them 'girl talk'" Tristan added,

Holly nodded and spoke into the phone.

"Nick, baby? Are you still there?"

The girls watched as Nick scowled at Holly and began to speak rapidly, obviously annoyed by her simple question.

"Okay, okay…..It's none of your God damned business, we're having a party and girl talk." Holly paused and then added her own comment. "Oh, and ask Kevin about that four hour yoga sex in the shower thing….Oh…wait a minute…Tris says don't ask him…"

Holly kept the phone to her ear as Nick told the group what the girls had said. Four of the five male faces darkened considerably. Well, three did, anyway. Kevin's face turned a bright red as he pulled his stocking cap off and threw it in the floor. Tristan could almost see the steam from where she stood. The other guys were looking at him in disbelief. Tristan saw Nick hold up four fingers.

"Oh God…" she moaned. "I'm dead…"

"Sorry Tris…" Holly said weakly. "I told him not to ask."

"Hell, Tris. You didn't say anything. I'm sorry, too" Amanda apologized. "I'm sorry for everything." She added, looking down at the floor.

"Me, too, Tris." Leighanne said quietly.

Holly's chin started to tremble and she burst into tears. "Me, too!" she sobbed.

Tristan started crying, too. Soon Amanda and Leighanne joined in. Holly could hear Nick screaming her name through he cell. She put it back to her ear.

"Shhh.." she said to the girls, trying to quiet them and control her sobs at the same time so she could hear. "Nick, tell Kevin not to be mad at Tris. She didn't say anything about Kevin and her getting off for four hours straight…No, I'm not drunk - am I?" Holly sobbed again. "What? Okay. Just a minute."

Holly took the phone from her ear, sniffling. Tristan was leaning her head against the bus window, wiping her nose as tears coursed down her cheeks. Amanda and Leighanne leaned against Tristan, also crying. Both had great rivers of mascara pouring down their faces. Holly shook Tristan's shoulder.

"Here." She said, handing Tristan the phone. "Kev wants to talk to you."

*********************

"What the fuck's going on over there, Tris? What are you bawling about?" Kevin was irritated. "Are you tellin' them private stuff about us?

Tristan was silent. They were both holding cell phones up to their ears and looking at each other through their respective windows. She wouldn't talk.

"Tristan!…You'd better talk to me!……..Tristan!"

She could see his face redden again. She saw the guys look at him and then back at her. He stopped looking through the window and started screaming directly into the phone.

"How much have you all had to drink over there? You've got a God damned concert tonight! Don't you remember? Is this what they call fuckin' girl talk? What the shit…." Click . Kevin pulled the phone from his ear and stared at it. "What the…." He whirled around and looked at her again as their bus picked up speed and began to pull ahead. He asked Nick for the number and dialed again. He could barely see her glancing at the phone as it rang. She didn't bother to answer when she picked it up. She just hit the button. Click.

"Motherfucker! She hung up on me!…Twice!" Kevin was again staring at the phone as if it had personally attacked him.

Nick flopped down on the sofa and made somewhat of a show, slapping his palm against the side of his head as if he'd had a sudden realization.

"Duh! Gee, Kev - I wonder why? I'd hang up on your ass, too. Now I'll bet none of them will answer the damn phone!"

Kevin sighed and took a look out of the rear window. They were about seven car lengths ahead of the girls' bus now. He hadn't meant to get so mad. He just couldn't stand to see Tris crying like that and not know why. He hadn't even had a chance to ask her about the heated confrontation they had witnessed earlier. Had she been crying about that? Had someone hurt her feelings? Was she drunk? Shit, they hadn't been on the road that long… And where had that comment about their sex life come from? He knew better than to think that Tristan would discuss such intimacies. But they had all been drinking and 'girl talk' had specifically been mentioned. Still, Tris wouldn't talk about last night….not last night.

"Hey! Snap out of it!" AJ shouted in Kevin's ear, causing him to jump.

"Shit, J.!"

"Sorry, man…" AJ laughed. "Hey, don't worry. Tris knows you're an ass! She'll get over it." Then he added, "Hell, man, she's certainly gotten over worse."

AJ's last comment caused Brian and Nick to jerk their heads towards Kevin. Neither of them could believe that AJ would say such a thing. It wasn't funny. Not now, when Kevin and Tristan were dealing with a seemingly insurmountable problem. The remark seemed cruel and unlike AJ.

Nick closed his eyes, awaiting Kevin's outburst. He would not be surprised to open them and find AJ pinned up against a wall with Kevin in his face. When Nick heard nothing, he slowly opened his eyes and found Kevin still sitting quietly, clearly upset and emotional. Kevin looked at his hands and spoke softly.

"I know, Alex. You're right. I'll try to talk to her later." Kevin stood up and moved to the door. "I'm gonna get something to drink."

Nick watched Kevin leave and them jumped up off the sofa and planted himself squarely in front of AJ.

"That was real nice, J!" Nick hissed. "Why don't you just kick him in the nuts next time?"

"What the fuck are you talking about? I didn't mean anything by that!" AJ retorted.

"You didn't mean anything?" Nicks voice rose. "It sounded to me like you meant plenty! 'Tristan's been through worse….' You talkin' about the baby? The miscarriage? The nuthouse? Maybe you were just talkin' about Kevin fucking Lily!"

AJ was incensed at Nick's accusation "You listen to me, you pseudo blond prick! I wouldn't take a bite out of Kev like that! I was talking about Tris' shitty childhood and her rape and stuff - I wasn't even thinking about any of that Lily crap!" AJ stopped for a moment to catch his breath, and then he glared into Nick's eyes. "Besides, Nicky..you're not a very good one to talk about me kickin' nothin'! I stood right there and saw you jump Kev that night in New York. I saw you kick the shit out of him when he was down and I saw him let you do it!"

"You son of a bitch…." Nick went after AJ like a man possessed. He threw his arm around AJ's neck and started pounding him in the head, all the time fighting back tears.

Suddenly there was another body between them. The voice was familiar - the gentleness was not.

"Okay you guys..hold up! That's enough…" Kevin said calmly.

Nick stepped back and then turned away, wiping his hand over his eyes and nose. AJ looked at the floor and raised his arms. Both men felt Kevin's hands on their shoulders.

"Are we okay now?" Kevin asked, glancing from one of them to the other.

He was answered with low grumbles and the sound of shuffling feet.

"Are we?" he asked again.

AJ sighed. "Yeah, man. But look Kev - I didn't mean…"

"I know that J. But even if you had, it would have been the truth," Kevin said seriously. "I know that, too."

The oldest Backstreet Boy turned to the youngest.

"Nick? You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever…"

Kevin looked around the room at his groupmates. He was concerned. He hadn't wished for his personal problems to affect them like this. He had always tried to keep his private life to himself. He could argue that he didn't want to share his hard times because he didn't want to burden them. The fact was that on the rare occasions when he did open up, like when the subject of his father's death came up, he feared getting emotional and being regarded as weak. Ironically, that in itself was a weakness. He had confessed, in so many words, this fear to Tristan well over a year ago, but never to anyone else. He hadn't been very descriptive or well spoken but she had understood, even then.

In his youth, he had felt in control and unstoppable - the Big Man On Campus. As his career started and he let others take control of his life, he began to recognize the possibility of failure which Kevin had somehow come to equate with unworthiness. His perfectionism was a result of this. He hadn't always been that way. If everything were perfect, he would prove himself worthy and deserving of fame, fortune and love. What he didn't realize was that this burden of proof constituted conditional love. He'd have to meet expectations in order to achieve these things.

But Tristan had come to him with no expectations. Her insulated life and empty childhood had prevented her from expecting because she had never received. Her love had been unconditional - a freewill gift.

Kevin felt a need to open up to his younger brothers, for their sake as well as his own. He didn't feel very articulate but decided that any questions they had, he would try to answer and damn the consequences.

"Why don't we all just sit down and talk."

He looked at their faces and found them watching him. Expecting.

*******************

The four women were sitting now. Nine beer cans were in the trash along with two wine bottles. They had all magically turned into comedians - everything was funny - until Holly brought up the name 'Leigh Walmart'. The circumstances surrounding her name change had been opened to question and Tristan had grown quiet and thoughtful. The others had followed her lead.

"You okay, Tris?" Holly asked, patting Tristan's hand.

"Not really…" she smiled. "But I am touched that y'all went to all that trouble to try and help out. Thank you." A single tear rolled down Tristan's cheek. She wiped it away quickly.

"I'm just sorry we couldn't find out more." Leighanne sighed. "But I guess we found out enough…."

They had told Tristan about how they had read the computer screen and had repeated the information they had gleaned.

"You and Kev will have your own children one day." Amanda said in an attempt to comfort Tristan. Leighanne narrowed her eyes at Amanda as Holly rolled hers. Amanda swallowed. "Jesus, Tris! I didn't…."

"It's okay, Amanda."

"You'd make a great Mom, Tris." Holly smiled.

"Maybe she's better get married first!" Leighanne chuckled as she kicked off her shoes.

Amanda's gaze jumped to Tristan at this last remark, trying to see if Tristan reacted in any way. It was a little disconcerting when Tristan locked eyes with her, but she had remained expressionless. Amanda felt a slight chill. Then Tristan laughed and poured herself another cup of wine before passing the remainder of the third bottle to Leighanne.

"I don't know about being a good mother. I've never been around kids much and my mother - well….." She took another swallow and held the cup between her hands, peering into it.

Holly ventured out on the limb first. She knew that Tristan's mother was dead but had never heard how she died. They had all heard that Tristan's childhood had left much to be desired. They had no idea.

"What happened to your mom, Tris?" Holly asked.

Tristan let her gaze move to the window. Tree tops and blue skies were all that was visible from her seat. She continued to follow the clouds as she answered.

"She killed herself."

Holly drew a sharp breath. She hadn’t expected that answer. She was thinking along the lines of illness or car accident. She began to fumble for words. Tristan's expression remained unreadable.

"God Tris…." Leighanne murmured.

"Yeah. Slashed her wrists. Kind of ironic, huh?" Tristan finished off her wine. She was feeling a little sleepy.

"That….that must have been hard." Leighanne continued. "Your father never remarried?"

At last Tristan smiled, but it was hard and humorless.

"He didn't need a wife. He had me." The wine had loosened Tristan's tongue.

Holly glanced at the others. "What do you mean?" she asked, alarmed. "Did he…..hurt you, Tris?"

Tristan turned her head towards Holly and looked at her, confused. Then she understood the subtext of Holly's question.

"Oh no…no! Not like that! I think he made a pass at me once when I was older but he was drunk and well….who knows? I wasn't abused or anything."

"What do you mean then, Tris" Holly pressed. Not like that? Like how, then..

"I shouldn't have said 'wife'. What I meant was, I kind of became the..um…the housekeeper. My second home was in front of the stove!" Tristan laughed but it didn't seem funny. "I started taking care of the house stuff - cooking, cleaning, laundry - you know… I wasn't in public school so school work got done around house work."

This was starting to sound like a bad fairy tale.

"What about your music?" Amanda asked.

"Ah…the piano…" Tristan sighed. "My father didn't like me playing too much. He said music was wasted on a girl, that I'd never amount to much. He said I should pay more attention to 'house skills' as he put it. When I kept playing anyway, he decided that maybe I needed a little discipline."

"Discipline?" Leighanne leaned forward.

Tristan really didn't understand her friends' fascination. She never remembered talking about herself so much. It wasn't a big deal.

"Wrong word." Tristan smiled. "What I meant was that he kept me busy. Everything was cooked from scratch. I'd serve the food and then start to clean up while he and my brothers ate." Tristan smiled to herself as if she had really gotten one over on her father. "Gave me more time. The only time I had to stop was when my father clapped."

"Clapped?" Holly asked. Her eyes were searching Tristan's face unable to understand why talking about this didn't upset her. Maybe the wine….

"Yeah. If his glass needed refilling or if he wanted something, he'd clap his hands for me to come."

"Couldn't he just ask, or better yet, get it himself?" Holly asked.

"No. He'd clap."

"Like he was your master or something?" Amanda was annoyed. "When the fuck did you eat?"

"I ate!" Tristan said defensively. "I ate in the kitchen."

"In the kitchen? While the menfolk ate in the dining room and you waited on them!" Amanda stated sarcastically. "How else did he control you? What else did he do to keep you in line?"

"Nothing! Really!" Tristan was beginning to feel like she'd said too much. "You have the wrong idea! He even played with me sometimes - the 'belt game'!" God, she was getting tired. Tristan poured another cup of wine.

Leighanne felt herself shudder a little. She refilled her cup, too. "The 'belt game'? What was that?"

"I really didn't like it much…." Tristan muttered. "But he seemed to get a big kick out of it. He used to take off his belt and I'd get backed into a corner. He could make his belt snap - just like a whip! He'd see how close he could snap it at me without actually stinging me. I'd back away, you know, kind of scared and he'd laugh. I'd always seemed to end up in a corner. " Tristan mused. "He liked to play that a lot."

"Did you ever get…get…stung?" Leighanne asked sadly.

Tristan didn't seem to notice Leighanne's sadness. "A few times." She answered casually. "I guess I never really got the hang of it."

Amanda felt slightly nauseated but it didn't keep her from opening another beer. She glanced over at Leighanne remembering the conversation they'd had with Tristan in Stockholm - one of the first times they'd ever talked together. Tristan had said something about never having been held. God damn! Her father was a real piece of work.. She hoped that Tristan was getting a lot of holding now.

"Do you and Kevin ever talk about your childhoods?" Holly asked innocently. She was on a fact-finding mission. She wondered how much of this Kevin knew about.

"He does!" Tristan grinned. "I like to listen to his stories. I don't really have any. I like it when he talks about Christmas." Her gaze returned to the window. "I hope we have Christmases like that one day. I want a great big tree. A real one - not fake…"

Her friends were watching her, wondering what kind of tree she was imagining. A slight smile tickled her lips.

"What kind of trees did you have?" Leighanne asked, hoping they would travel down a happier memory lane.

Tristan's eyes left the window and she shook her head.

"No trees for us. My father thought they were pagan."

"Where did you put your presents? You know, Santa Claus.."

"Santa Claus? I always knew there was no Santa Claus. We didn't need anything, anyway."

"No toys?"

"I had the piano…"

Tristan drifted off to sleep, oblivious to the sad gazes of her friends. Holly leaned on one elbow, he hand pressed against her mouth, her eyes wet. Leighanne closed her eyes and rubbed her temples. They barely heard Amanda go into the bathroom where she spent several minutes heaving over the toilet….but not from beer alone.

Kevin’s group encounter wasn’t going all that well. It wasn’t bad, just not all that open. He sensed that his brothers were holding back, still hesitant to ask him anything too personal - not that he had planned on opening his bedroom door to them. He apologized for his private life interfering with their work and said that he appreciated their support.

“If you have anything you want to say about some of the things that have happened orif you have any questions, now is the time. You know what the current situation is. If you have any advice, now is the time for that, too.”

No one said anything at first, then Nick started.

“Holly said that you asked Lily to marry you!” Nick was laughing. “I mean - shit! I told her that she didn’t hear you right!”

“I asked Lily if she wanted me to marry her….”

Nick looked like he’d been shot. “What?” he whispered angrily. He pounded his fists on the arms of the chair, then jumped up. “What the fuck? You’ ve got to be….”

“It wasn’t a proposal, Nick.”

“But…”

“I need to know what she wants. I’m tired of her games, that’s all. I’m in love with Tristan. I think you know that.”

Nick calmed himself and sat back down as AJ tried to take that lead and pursue Amanda’s conclusions about Kev and Tris. He tried to phrase his question so that if Kevin was married already, an answer of yes, no or I don ’t know would be a lie. He knew that Kevin wouldn’t lie to them.

“Are you and Tristan going to get married?”

“I can see us married.” Kevin answered, looking AJ in the eye.

AJ nodded. Shit. He’s a slippery s.o.b. Kevin was giving them more than an inch in tolerating these questions so well. AJ didn’t want to push his luck by going for the mile.

Brian then took a breath and plunged in. “Is Tris okay?”

Kevin looked at his cousin, a little puzzled.

“What do you mean, Brian? I’m sure she’s not exactly ‘okay’ with all of this, but I think we can work through it.”

Brian shifted and looked at his fingers. That was not what he meant.

“No, Kev. I mean is he….you know…okay?” Brian tapped the side of his head. Nick groaned out loud.

Kevin could feel his temper building. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Easy, easy, easy, easy…. His eyes opened and he looked again at Brian.

“Tristan is not crazy Brian. She broke. I broke her.”

“Kev…”

Kevin held up his hand. “It’s okay!…It’s okay…..”

Nick was watching Kevin carefully, wondering why Kevin felt compelled to expose himself like this. Did he think that they didn’t trust him anymore - that they questioned his judgement or commitment to the group? Nick’s eyes suddenly widened. Was this his way of…cleaning house? Did Kev want out?

“Any more questions?” Kevin asked. He kind of hoped not.

No, they weren’t going to ask too many questions today. He hoped he had taken a step in showing them that he was accessible to them. A little more accessible anyway. He looked from face to face but stopped when he met Nick ’s eyes. Nick had paled and he was looking at Kevin intently.

“You got a comment, Nick?”

“No" Nick answered coolly, never breaking his gaze. “I got a question.”

Kevin smiled. “Go ahead,”

“You leaving us Kev?”

The question surprised Kevin. He lifted his bottle of water to his mouth and took a long chug, never breaking eye contact with Nick. He wondered how the hell Nick had gotten into his head. When did they make this connection? It seemed like only yesterday that Nick was the annoying and clueless baby brother. Kevin carefully set the bottle on the table and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

“Think I should, Nick?” Kevin challenged.

“Are you?” Nick asked again.

The other guys watched this drama unfold with shocked faces. The possibility of Kevin leaving had never occurred to them. The silence that now ensued seemed interminable. Kevin seemed to be speaking only to Nick.

“You know I’ve thought about it.”

“Yeah. I know.”

The thought that Kevin might leave affected Nick deeply. It scared the shit out of him on a personal level. Kevin had been there for over one third of his life…for the roughest part of his life. He had let Nick hang himself a few times, but he had more often saved him, usually from himself. Kevin had never given him ultimatums or threatened him. Oh, Kevin had gotten pissed off with him - plenty - but he always felt a strange sense of security with him, too. He had never felt abandoned by Kevin, even when Tristan came into the picture. He couldn’t say the same for Brian. He waited for Kevin’s response.

“I don’t have any plans to do that right now. Is that okay?”

“Yeah. That’s okay.” Nick answered, finally breaking eye contact and directing his gaze out of the bus window.

Bus #2 pulled in to the underground garage a few minutes ahead of the girls’ bus. Security was in place and the guys climbed out onto the asphalt just as Bus #1 pulled in. When the doors opened, the guys had half expected to see their girlfriends literally falling out of he door. The women were, surprisingly, subdued and except for a few stumbles, seemed fairly sober.

“Where’s Tris?” Kevin asked, pushing through the women to the back of the bus.

“She’s asleep.” Holly replied as she picked up her belongings.

“Do you mean passed out?” Kevin was looking into a large trashcan filled with cans and bottles.

“Maybe…”

Holly seemed a little strange. In fact all the girls did except for Tristan, who was dead to the world.

“Do you want me to wake her up?” Holly asked him, gathering Tristan’s things along with her own.

Holly?” Kevin asked her seriously. “Is everything alright over here? We could see trouble.”

Holly shook her head and smiled tightly at Kevin. “Everything’s fine, Kev. Really. Now let me help you wake her up…”

“No, Holly. She looks tired. I’ll bring her up.”

Holly stood back and watched Kevin slide his arms under Tristan and lift her. When Kevin felt he held her securely he looked into her face. Holly saw him smile. Then he turned and carried her back down the aisle and out of the bus. Holly followed Kevin out and was joined by Nick who had been waiting by the door. After a big bear hug, Nick rested his arm on Holly’s shoulder and they followed Kevin into the waiting elevator. Tristan seemed to stir once, moaning a little as she moved her head on Kevin’s shoulder. Kevin touched his cheek to her head and whispered.

“Shhh, baby…it’s okay.”

Holly and Nick felt like intruders. Tristan didn’t move again.

Email Grace

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