CHAPTER 38

Kevin sat at the conference table playing with his pencil. He picked it up and began to doodle on the page that lay in front of him. The discussion had turned to items found on page two but he had yet to turn over the first page. His mind was elsewhere. Because there was no show tonight, this had been considered a day off. Kevin thought that 'off day' might have been a more accurate description. His mind stopped wandering when the conference room doors opened and Nick came in. Kevin automatically looked at his watch. He was twenty minutes late.

Nick pulled out a chair and sat opposite Kevin. When he looked up, Kevin was glaring at him as if he were issuing some kind of challenge. As the voices droned on, their eyes locked, neither of them willing to be the first to back down. The silent confrontation ended with a knock on the door. One of the tour assistants peeked inside. Skip stopped his critique and grunted impatiently

"What is it, Susan?" he asked gruffly.

"Uh…sorry, but Mr. Richardson has a call. It's Miss Mallory."

Skip tossed his papers on the table in disgust.

"Tell Tris I'll see her after the meeting." Kevin instructed the assistant. "Just get her to leave a message. We're kind of busy."

When Kevin turned to look at Skip, he caught sight of Nick again. He was shaking his head and smirking, obviously critical of the way Kevin had handled the interruption. Kevin's eyes narrowed and Nick sighed, gazing up at the ceiling.

The meeting went on. They discussed studio time, record release dates, rumors and record sales. When the subject of record sales came up, the discussion turned to the BSB's label mates, 'NSync. The sales of their newly released CD had toppled the record set by Millennium. The general public was unaware that these records were based on the number of albums shipped to distributors and that after the success of Millennium, distributors had more than doubled their orders. The pressure was on for them to take back the number one spot. That would mean lots of promotion. It would also mean that they had better come up with some top-notch tracks. Tristan's name was brought up as a possible mixer, but Kevin didn't comment one way or the other. He frowned on any suggestion of nepotism even though the powers that be didn't know that now Kevin and Tristan were officially related.

Nick took this opportunity to drop the bomb about Holly. He stood and took a breath.

"I have to say something." Nick began. "And I want to say it without anybody buttin' in." He looked directly at Kevin. "I just found out that Holly's father is professionally and personally involved with 'NSync."

"What?" Kevin blurted.

Nick shouted over Kevin's outburst and the murmurs coming from around the table. "I said no buttin' in!" He continued when things quieted down. Kevin's face was becoming rosier by the minute. "Her father is Johnny Wright's silent partner and handles their legal matters." Nick paused. "You should also know that he was one of Lou's attorney's when we went to court in '98. I, personally don't think any of this is important now, but she wanted me to let everyone know about this." Nick sat back down.

As he looked around the table, trying to gauge responses, Nick's eyes rested once again upon Kevin. His main concern was the reaction of his bandmates and particularly Kevin because he had the power to make this situation fairly painless. While AJ, Brian and Howie seemed a little puzzled and sat shrugging their shoulders, Kevin's gaze was pinned on Nick. His brows were furrowed and his expression was angry. Nick had been around Kevin long enough to know that Kevin was trying to control his temper when he began to rub his chin as he closed his eyes.

"Does anyone have anything to say?" Nick asked with a hint of defiance.

Not surprisingly, all eyes turned to Kevin. Kevin had nothing against Holly personally but he did have trust issues that continued to plague him. He tried to remain calm as he questioned Nick.

"Do you see any possible conflict of interest here, Nick?

Nick stiffened. He knew what possibilities Kevin was implying. "Holly doesn't talk to her father about us and what we're doing or planning."

"How do you know that, Nick? There have been an awful lot of similarities popping up between the two groups. What I want to know is why she didn't mention this little…connection before now. You've known Holly for over a year. I'm sure she knew about the lawsuit - everybody else in the English speaking world did. And yet she never mentioned that her father was directly involved in trying to screw us…"

Nick heard the murmurs again and began to get defensive. "Listen to me, Mr. Perfect and Wise One! By the time Holly and I got serious, she knew that all of this lawsuit and 'NSync stuff was a giant thorn in our side. Christ, Kevin, you were bitchin' about it every time a camera was shoved in your face! She didn't want trouble and since it had nothing to do with her, she thought she'd just let it be and wait for it to fizzle out. But it didn't fizzle out. She's no idiot. She knew that the time would come when we'd all know about her father. She thought she ought to lay it on the table now. She's pretty damn astute, Kevin. She guessed that this might get to you."

Nick should have stopped right there but he was on a campaign to defend the honor of the woman he loved. It was all very noble but he really shouldn't have said another word, especially to Kevin. It was not his intention to create any more trouble, but he went on to complete his final thought.

"I suppose Tristan figured the same thing."

Heads turned from Nick to Kevin. Kevin squinted his eyes trying to understand what Nick was getting at.

"Tristan?"

Nick groaned inwardly. Holly had told him there had been some 'trouble' between the two and Nick had assumed it had to do with Holly's father and the fact that Tristan knew of his connections. It was obvious now that their problem had centered on something else. Nick tried to remove his foot from his mouth.

"Uh..nevermind. Well, what's next? Are we gonna talk producers or…"

"Nick!" Kevin cut in. "Are you trying to tell me that Tristan has known about this relationship between Holly's father and Lou? And Johnny Wright?"

Nick said nothing. He could see a vein pop out on Kevin's neck. He should have been unnerved but he was pissed. It looked like he might have to go to bat for two ladies. Shit! He shouldn't have to defend Tris to Kevin! She's his wife for God's sake! Nick glanced at his watch. The girls had left a half-hour ago and Kevin had no idea.

"Why don't we take a little break?" Skip asked nervously. "I think we've covered the important stuff." He leaned over and whispered to the accountant. "I think you'd better get Carlos or Billy up here - just in case…"

Kevin shoved his chair back from the table, continuing to glare at Nick. He resented the fact that every upsetting event that had taken place today had Nick's fingerprints all over it. Business and music related tensions were one thing but when Kevin felt his personal life being twisted or invaded, that was another matter - and Tristan was definitely his personal life. He stormed out of the room went straight for the desk where Susan sat, scribbling on a pad.

"Did you tell Tristan what I said?" he asked her, frowning.

The other guys were just coming out of the room and could overhear the exchange between Kevin and Susan. He was making no attempt to be charming or even polite.

"Uh,,yeah…" Susan said, afraid to look away from his scowling face.

"Well?" Kevin asked irritably.

"Well?" Susan repeated, her memory temporarily shut down by Kevin's intensity.

"Did she leave a God damned message?"

"Uh…yeah…let me see." Susan ruffled through papers, knocking over a Coke can and pushing several sheets of paper to the floor. Her nervousness had rendered her spastic.

"Jesus Christ…" Kevin mumbled.

"Okay, okay. Here it is . She said, 'No, he won't.'".

"What?'

"You told me to tell her that you couldn't talk and that you'd see her later. She said, 'No. he won't. Oh - she also said she left you a note" Susan swallowed, "if you're not too busy to read it."

Kevin felt like his head was going to explode. He rubbed his temples and sighed. What a day…

"Anything else?" he asked, trying to calm down.

Susan nodded. "I wrote it down." She picked up a sheet of soda stained paper and read. "Tell Kevin that I know that I didn't invent it, but I had hoped that it was something special. I guess I was wrong."

Kevin just stood silently and shook his head. Motherfucker… As he turned to leave, he saw Nick leaning against a far wall, watching him. Kevin walked towards him and Nick straightened glancing towards Carlos who had just entered the anti-room. Kevin followed his glance and signaled Carlos to stay back. He was now face to face with Nick and unsure of what had happened today. Nick could see that Kevin was tense, but didn't sense the anger that he had felt at the conference table. Mostly he saw weariness. He wondered how Kevin could stand it sometimes - the business pressures, the feelings of responsibility he felt for the other guys, the guilt over past events involving Tristan - the list seemed endless. He tried, for a moment, to put himself in Kevin's place and wondered how he would have reacted to hearing Kevin screaming at Holly about such personal things. Something had happened between Kev and Tris after that. Nick didn't know what but it must have had something to do with the incident in the hallway. Tristan's message to Kevin seemed cryptic to him but it had hit home with Kev.

"I think we need to have a talk, Nick." Kevin spoke quietly so that the others wouldn't hear.

Nick didn't argue but nodded and proceeded to follow Kevin out of the room. When Carlos stepped in line behind them, Kevin stopped. He glanced around the room and saw Brian, AJ and Howie staring at them, trying to be casual but radiating apprehension. He turned back to Carlos.

"There's not gonna be any trouble, Carlos. We're cool." He glanced at his blond brother. "Right, Nicky?"

Nick nodded in agreement. It did not get by him that Kevin had referred to him as 'Nicky' but he knew that it had been an unconscious slip of the tongue. Kevin's tone had not been hostile or sarcastic. The last time he could remember Kevin calling him that had been over a year ago when Tristan had been hurt and Kevin needed his help to get to Atlanta. It touched him in some way for Kevin to use that childhood name. It made him feel like they really were brothers. Kevin was the only person he knew, besides Holly, who made it sound almost affectionate.

*****************

Kevin opened his door to let Nick pass in front of him. Before he could close the door behind them, he heard Mason calling to him from down the hallway. Kevin waited and held the door for Mason, too. He hoped he wouldn't have to throw Mason out. He and Nick needed to talk alone. Mason barreled into the room out of breath. He stopped when he saw Nick standing by the mini-bar and began to laugh.

"Well, well - looks like the three bedbugs are together again. You guys want to take a nap?"

Mason thought he was being very amusing and giggled at himself. He stopped when he saw the deadpan expressions on Kevin and Nick's faces.

"Sheesh!" Mason said, frowning. "What the hell kind of bug crawled up your asses?"

"Nick and I need to talk, Mason. Did you need something?" Kevin asked.

"Anybody ever compliment you on you subtlety, Kev? My guess is….NO!" Mason waved his hand in the air. "Oh, never mind! Don't worry Kevin, as much as I know you adore my company, I can't stay. I was just going to get you to give these to Nick. No one answered his door - but now I can give these to him myself. I'm glad I caught you!" Mason handed a small shopping bag to Nick. "I picked these up today. Thought you might like to break them in for me."

Nick looked into the bag and found three Dreamcast games underneath some tissue paper.

"Man!" Nick grinned. "Mason! Why don't you try these out? It's your machine!"

"I'm on my way out of town. Going to meet an old friend."

Mason's remark was somewhat suggestive and aimed at Kevin who just sighed and rolled his eyes. This flew past Nick. Then Kevin caught the bigger picture.

"What about Tris? You gonna be back in time for her performance tomorrow night?"

Mason looked at Kevin and then over to Nick, who shook his head slightly - but not slightly enough for Kevin to miss. Kevin became alarmed.

"What the fuck's going on?" He demanded to know.

Mason stammered and stalled. He turned for a moment and started to rearrange things on the dresser. There he spotted a pink envelope addressed to Kevin.

"Uh…look Kev! Looks like a note from Tris! Look, gotta go - really…" He glanced at Nick. "Keep the machine, Nick. I'll get it back in Florida." He headed quickly for the door.

"Mason!" Kevin shouted after him.

"Gotta go! I'm late! Have a good tour, guys!"

The door slammed in Kevin's face. When he whirled back around to question Nick, he found Nick holding the pink envelope and tapping it with his fingers.

"What the fuck is going on, Nick? Where's Tristan?" The anger was returning but it was laced with a little fear this time. Kevin reached forward and grabbed the envelope out of Nick's hands. "Do you know where she is?"

Nick looked at the floor. The look on Kevin's face made him feel bad. He couldn't rid himself of the guilt he now felt. If he hadn't played judge and jury with Holly, if he hadn't attacked Tris in the hall, if he hadn't made his snide remark to Kevin about being married and on and on. He raised his head and looked Kevin in the eye.

"Tristan and Holly have left the tour. Holly's not too thrilled with me right now. I'm guessing Tris isn't very happy either. That's probably what she wanted to tell you when she called during the meeting. They're driving to Kentucky. They're not coming back here Kev."

"That's ridiculous! Tristan wouldn't just leave like that - without talking to me! She …"

"She tried to get you on the phone, Kev…"

"But the meeting! She knew that!" Kevin had squeezed his hands into fists, crushing the pink paper in the process.

"What about the message she left for you? Did you know what that meant?" Nick asked cautiously.

Kevin grew quiet. "Yeah. I know what it meant." He had moved to dresser. Tristan's cell was lying to one side. She had left it on purpose. She didn't want to take his calls.

Nick was trying to measure his part in all of this. "Look Kev, I know that you and Tris had some kind of spat. Holly told me that…."

Kevin wouldn't meet his eyes. "Did Tris tell Holly what the 'spat' was about?"

"No. I just hope I didn't cause it. I said some mean things to Tris and I'm sorry. I wish I could tell her that. I don't want you and her fightin' over something stupid I said. Was she mad because I said something about…..you know….about ya'll being….married?"

Kevin did look at Nick now. He could tell that Nick was truly upset. Yes, he had let his temper and mouth get away from him but Kevin was in no position to pass harsh judgements on that. He stood guilty of the same thing. In fact, he could easily be classified as a repeat offender.

"Tristan told me that you found out about us, Nick. Holly asked her because you found our rings. I'm glad you didn't scream it down the hallway, though. We don't want to share this yet. Do you understand?"

"Yeah, Kev. I won't say a word. I swear." He paused and Kevin could see that his eyes were wet. "Congratulations, man."

Kevin watched Nick grow younger before his eyes. His eyes were threatening to spill over and he was chewing on his lip. He had clasped his hands behind his back and was rocking on the tips of his toes. He was looking anywhere but into Kevin's face. He was thirteen again and looked like he needed a hug.

"Thanks" Kevin responded quietly. Then he sighed and held out his arms to his brother, the man-child. "C'mere, Nicky…"

Nick didn't have to be invited twice. He took four lumbering steps and fell into Kevin's arms, sobbing on his shoulder. Kevin fell back, trying to maintain his balance while comforting the two hundred-pound sack of emotions that was blubbering against him. Instinctively, he started patting Nick's back.

"It's okay. Nick. Really. Don't worry about this." He kept patting and glanced to his side, making sure that the door was closed.

After a minute or two, Nick recovered and detached himself from Kevin, leaving a tear and snot filled shoulder behind. He felt a little embarrassed.

"Uh….sorry, Kev…." He muttered, wiping his nose on his arm.

"S'okay, Nick." Kevin replied. Then he chuckled, "I may need you to return the favor sometime."

"I'll do that, Kev. You know I will…" Nick said seriously.

"Yeah…I know… Listen to me, Nick. What happened between Tris and me happened because I was stupid and hurt her feelings. I made a crack about…well, something you said to her and…I fucked up. It wasn't your fault."

Nick tried to remember exactly what he had said to Tristan. He'd been so mad…..

"It wasn't about what I said about her and Holly talking about…you know…was it?"

"No…It doesn't matter. We'll get…"

"It wasn't about the swallowing part was it Kev?"

"Nick….." Kevin warned.

"Christ! I know you wouldn't say anything about that! Jesus! That's kinda like getting a touchdown when all you wanted was to make the first down…"

"Nick…"

"Like hitting a home run when you were just hoping to get to first base…"

"Okay, Nick!" Kevin shouted. Nick flinched and shut up. "Look," he continued softly. I want to sit down here and read Tristan's letter - alone. Go on and try out Mason's games. Leigh's flying out tonight, so Brian will probably need some company in a bit. Challenge him to a game or something….."

Nick took the hint. Mason was right - Kevin was not subtle. He nodded and made his way to the door glancing back before opening it. Kevin stood in the shadow cast by a single lamp, staring at the letter and running his fingers over the pink paper. Kevin's life would always be complicated. Nick had two people in his life that he could go to if he needed help or a shoulder to cry on. Two people that he really felt like he could count on - Kevin and Holly. Who could Kevin go to? Tris wasn't here and he doubted that Kevin would come to any of them. Nick vowed to keep his shoulder ready, just in case.

**************************

Kevin turned the envelope over in his hands several times. He couldn't believe that Tristan had taken off for Kentucky. He noted that all but one of her suitcases was still here. Maybe Nick had misunderstood. He opened the top dresser drawer and found that most of her lingerie was gone. He lifted a black silk stocking out of the drawer. It had a wide band of lace around the top. Kevin held it to his nose, searching for the scent of Tristan's thighs but finding nothing. Sighing, he dropped the stocking back into the drawer where it puddled next to its mate. Automatically, his fingers began to grope for the pink camisole. He could feel no satin. Kevin jerked the drawer open and began a more diligent search. He wanted it close when he read the letter. It was not there. Within five minutes every drawer had been emptied, every suitcase opened but his search had yielded no results. He finally had to settle for a white lace bra. It wasn't the same, but it would have to do. He sat on the edge of the bed and lifted the flap of the envelope. Her handwriting danced before his eyes.

Dear Kevin,

It wasn't my intention to leave like this but it's been impossible to spend any time with you since our 'talk' early this afternoon. If you haven't spoken to Nick yet about this, I'm sure you will. I was shocked and upset by his outburst but after talking with Holly, I can see now that I just bumped into him at a bad time. Knowing the way Nick feels about you, I'm sure he regrets anything he said that upset you - which probably includes everything you overheard. Don't be too hard on him.

I think that Mason had already made plans to cover my performances in case I changed my mind about playing. He must have suspected that I wasn't as strong as I should be because the remainder of the concerts have already been covered and taken care of.

I know that you're tired and have been under tremendous pressure. In addition to the typical tour concerns, you've had to contend with Lily and with me. I think it's been too much. Serious issues have arisen on this tour and we've really had neither the time nor privacy to work them out completely. We haven't done too badly, there's just been no real 'healing' time.

I've decided that it would be best if I left the tour. This is not a knee-jerk reaction to what happened between us today but your remarks did help to crystallize my thoughts. You made me feel common and replaceable. Our sexual intimacy is not something that I take lightly. Perhaps this is because I haven't had the variety of partners you've had. Maybe taking you in my mouth is precious to me because I'm naïve - I don't know right now. But I do know that you don't need me to reach orgasm, so hopefully I'm more than a receptacle. I don't think I want us to talk about this again. There are some things that remain painful, even after time. The back of your hand would have had the same affect on me that your words did.

I'll be in Kentucky when your tour ends. Holly will be staying with me for awhile and then she'll go on to Tampa. She has some things to take care of there.

I'm sorry that we weren't able to say goodbye but maybe that's for the best right now. Your day was really packed, I know. I was busy myself. Something happened that should give you a lot of relief. There's another letter for you in my jewelry box.

Good luck on the remainder of the tour. I'll be thinking about you every day and dreaming about you every night. Try to get some rest. You can relax now.

All my love,

Tris

Kevin reread the letter several times as his fingers unconsciously stroked the white lace of Tristan's bra. She wasn't leaving, exactly - she was re-grouping. He still needed to talk to her about this. He wanted her raw, not crusted over by time and rationalizations. Hell, he just wanted her. Her letter had not been spiteful or designed to hurt him but she had certainly made her point and it was justified. He glanced again at Tristan's cell. He wouldn't be able to talk to her for a couple of days unless she called him. He was alone.

Tristan had said there was another letter. Why would she write two? Kevin moved from the bed back to the dresser. He was tired. He pulled his tee shirt over his head and stepped out of his sweats before opening the drawer. Her jewelry box had been left in a corner and he slowly lifted the lid. The first thing he noticed was that Tristan's wedding band was missing. Kevin took that to be a good sign. Perhaps she was wearing it. He took his band and slipped it onto his finger. Another pink envelope was sticking out of the pocket that was sewn onto the lid of the box. Kevin removed it and turned it over in his hand. His name was on the front but not in Tristan's handwriting. He took it back to the bed and crawled under the covers before opening the sealed paper.

"Dear Kevvy" it began. Kevin felt his stomach twist. He knew who this was from. Tristan knew who it was from, too. It was written on her stationary. She had seen Lily. It looked like the letter had been written in a hurry. He started to read again fearful of what he might find.

Dear Kevvy,

Your bitch girlfriend practically assaulted me again today, along with her two assistant bitches, Leigh - better known as Brian's milk machine and Amanda, the hooker look-alike. I think you'd better buy Miss Tris a leash. I'm tired of playing this game with the two of you and so I'm leaving this piddly-assed tour. Try not to cry. It's time for me to go on to bigger and better things and you can take that anyway you like!

I feel sorry for you, Kevin. You've managed to sink so low as to be satisfied with that mouse. Is she drugging you or what? For the record, I'm not pregnant, never have been and hopefully never will be. I really had you going there, didn't I? HA, HA! I hope this taught you a lesson, you cocksucker! Maybe the next time you dump a woman, you won't use her by screwing her later, calling her by somebody else's name and then trying to ruin her career. I also think I'd invest in a box of Trojans if I were you. I'm sure you'll use them. Kevvy does enjoy his sex, doesn't he?

You won't see me again, Kevvy. Your little slut has actually threatened me with my life if she ever sees me again. Not that I'm afraid of that little gnat! I'm just bored by you and by her. She really thought she'd done something when she found out that I was just playing about the baby. Jesus! What a dull life she must lead.

I doubt you'll ever even see this letter. She told me to seal it, but I know she said that for the benefit of her friends. I'll bet the seal was broken when and if you opened it.

Look, hon, no hard feelings. If you ever want to get it on again, I'm open for that. The union will know where you can find me. If not - fine. You can burn in asshole hell as far as I'm concerned, you pussy-whipped bastard.

Lily

She was crazy. Absolutely certifiable. But she was gone. Finally. Kevin read Lily's letter again. She had never been pregnant. It was good that she was gone. He would have caused her severe damage if she were anywhere near him right now.

Tristan knew about this. This is what had kept her busy today. She had found out about Lily's lies. Kevin wanted Tristan with him badly.

"Dear God…." Kevin cried aloud to no one and collapsed on the bed in a fit of rage, relief and tears.

He couldn't stop crying and needed holding desperately. He rolled over and brought a pillow up to his body, rocking it back and forth. The softness of the down was a poor substitute for the warmth of Tristan. "It's over, baby…..it's over…" he whimpered onto the pillow as his arms wrapped themselves around it, tightly. The victory seemed shallow without her there.

Kevin stopped when he felt his arm brush against the familiar garment that had become his personal fetish. He opened his eyes and through a film of tears, saw pink. Pink satin. Tristan had folded the camisole and left it under his pillow, knowing that he would find it there. Kevin brought it up to his face and slept.

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