CHAPTER 29
Connie's eyes moved slowly from Kevin's mouth to his eyes.
He was still holding onto her shoulders and she couldn't have moved
if she had wanted to - not that she wanted to. No man had ever said
those words to her and meant them. Trevor had mouthed the syllables
but she knew, even back then, that the declaration had meant nothing
to him. They were merely a placation - little insincere crumbs tossed
her way that she had gobbled up like a hungry puppy. Looking into
Kevin's face now, she wondered how she could have been so incredibly
stupid. A myriad of emotions washed over her in a few short seconds.
Connie was humiliated about the past, hopeful about the future and
a little frightened about the present.
Nothing was said for several moments as their eyes locked, each
of them searching for the spark or the cloud that would tell the
other what they wanted to know - what they needed to know. When
Connie didn't speak, Kevin wondered if he had made a grave miscalculation.
He became aware of his racing heartbeat and that he was breathing
through his mouth. His throat felt like sandpaper. He was gripping
her far too tightly but he couldn't seem to loose his hold as
we wondered if his pronouncement was about to bring him heartache.
Kevin blinked but he couldn't control the wetness that was filling
his eyes.
"I've upset you…" he murmured as he forced his hands from her
shoulders and stumbled backwards. "I'm sorry…"
It Connie a moment to realize what was happening. Kevin's eyes
were cast to the floor. He had assumed that she was rejecting
him.
"Kevin…." She whispered as she took a step towards him.
He held up one hand and pinched the bridge of his nose with
the other, still fighting to hide the visible signs of his pain.
"No… Please don't say anything.." he croaked, shaking his head
as he flopped down on the edge of the bed.
"Kevin - no…"
Connie fell to her knees in front of him, placing her hands
on either side of his face.
"Look at me…" she commanded.
He did so reluctantly. His lashes were stuck together in small
clumps and framed eyes that had darkened with the cloud of defeat.
This man was hurting. Connie was struck by the realization that
she had caused this reaction in him. She leaned forward and gently
brushed his long hair from his face before kissing the tears from
his eyes. Her lips felt cool against Kevin's hot skin and she
felt him shudder.
"You asked me to give you something last night. Do you remember?"
When he didn't respond, Connie answered for him. "You asked me
to give you this.." She took his hand and brought it to the top
of her breasts, over her heart. "I did that, Kevin. I gave you
my heart last night. Do you really think that I could have done
that if I didn't trust you? Do you really think I could have if
I didn't love you? You made me feel things that I'd never felt
before and I know now that I never felt them before because I'd
never loved before." Connie paused for a moment trying to find
the words that would validate and affirm her feelings. "I don't
know how to fake it, Kevin. I never learned how to do that. I
never heard how to do that…"
Kevin's head fell down to her shoulder and Connie felt his body
expand with a deep intake of breath and then release. He remained
in that position as Connie ran her fingers through his hair and
brushed her hand back and forth across his shoulder blades. The
only movement he made resulted from his slightly labored breathing.
She felt a hot tear drop to her shoulder and roll down her arm
and then Kevin lifted his head and wiped his eyes. His show of
emotion had embarrassed him but his openness had plucked a chord
in Connie's heart.
"I cry about everything…" Kevin admitted rather sheepishly.
Connie ran her fingers down the side of his face and smiled
gently. "You cry when you're hurting," she corrected him. "I cry
when I'm afraid. As long as you're not hurting at the same time
I'm afraid, we'll do fine."
Their brief emotional and intimate exchange had amounted to
another type of lovemaking - the kind where two people can move
through another barrier and caress each other's souls. Future
discoveries they made about each other would find a foundation
in what had happened between them in the last forty-eight hours.
Kevin had been the one who was ultimately responsible for recognizing
and pursuing the chemistry between them. He had been surprised
to learn that he still believed in this kind of love and the possibilities
it had to offer.
His arms snaked around her body as she moved closer and pushed
herself between his legs before passing her lips over his. Kevin
felt her hand move down his back and then slip under the elastic
of his boxers to his backside. The dance was about to begin again.
The spontaneity of their lovemaking excited Kevin. He had grown
tired of having every facet of his life scheduled and mapped in
advance. In the past, sexual encounters had resulted from strategic
planning. His union with Connie had been totally unplanned and,
therefore, undiminished by timetables or expectations. But Kevin
found that his ingrained habits were preventing him from throwing
caution to the wind completely. It was hard for him to toss the
cloak of responsibility entirely but he was loath to reintroduce
a subject that might ruin the delicacy of the moment or cause
Connie discomfort.
Connie felt Kevin sigh as she leaned in against his chest. As
a result of her deafness, she had become an excellent judge and
interpreter of body language and Kevin was subconsciously sending
her a message right now. He had been holding her tightly against
his body when she felt him sigh gently but she also felt the fingertips
on his right hand tenderly and rapidly patting against the small
of her back. She also felt him growing hard against her abdomen.
Kevin's body was telling her several things. His tight embrace
told her that he cherished her and wanted her with him. His growing
hardness, which he was pressing rhythmically against her, told
her that he wanted her sexually. The nature of his sigh indicated
that he also had something else on his mind - some mild distraction
- and the quick movement of his fingers against her skin showed
that he was uneasy about telling her what that 'something else'
was.
Connie smiled against his chest. She knew what was bothering
him. She knew as clearly as if she had heard him speak the words
and tell her. She also knew why, considering what had already
transpired between them, he was wary of telling her what he was
thinking. Connie raised her head and cocked it slightly. Making
sure that he could see the sparkle in her eyes.
"Kevin…" she said softly, as she squeezed the firm flesh under
her hands, "….I'm on the pill…"
Kevin's body relaxed and suddenly started speaking to Connie
again - this time in tongues.
*****
"God! Stop! What time is it?"
"Come on lazy! It's eleven o' clock! Let's go down to the beach
and walk a little. It's beautiful out there. The stars are out
and there's no one around. Besides, you haven't been dressed for
almost twenty-four hours!"
"I've been busy.." Kevin grunted against the pillow.
"Come on…."
"Bribe me."
Connie frowned. "With what?"
Kevin cracked open his eyes and grinned. "I'm sure you can come
up with something.." he smirked, wiggling his eyebrows.
"Jesus, Kevin! I only have one clean pair of panties left. I'm
afraid to sneeze as it is…"
Her remark caused Kevin's mind to spin. The thought that she
still carried the proof of his orgasm inside of her was titillating.
His eyes glazed over as he stared at the half-filled water glass
beside the lamp. Connie didn't seem to be in any hurry to rid
herself of the evidence. He liked that. Funny he had never thought
of that before. The idea that the essence of him was inside of
her, even if he wasn't, made him feel…. Made him feel what? The
answer was painfully obvious and politically incorrect. It made
him feel like he had marked her and that she was his. He found
a great deal of satisfaction in this cave man ethic. He almost
felt like beating his chest. He was brought back to reality by
the sound of Connie's voice.
"Well, then - maybe I'll just go take a shower…."
"NO!" he shouted, bolting upright in the bed and throwing the
covers back. His sudden acquiescence bewildered Connie and she
wondered what had changed his mind. "You said you wanted to walk.
Let's go!"
CHAPTER 30
The beach was beautiful this time of night.
Although they could see activity and lights up past the beach on
the main road, they still felt isolated and safe. Kevin felt like
a normal person. Here he was, walking at the water's edge on a public
beach with a woman who he had fallen head over heels in love with.
There were no fans, no bodyguards, no place else he had to be. He
felt giddy and childish. He groped for the word that defined his
emotional state and then it struck him. Jesus Christ! I'm - happy...
Happy! He didn't want to think about anything else. It was unusual
for Kevin to live in the moment but he found that he like it here.
He liked it very much.
"You have to go back tomorrow…"
Kevin stopped. She was right. He was expected back tomorrow.
It didn't go unnoticed by him that Connie hadn't used the plural
pronoun. He turned his head to speak to her, making sure that
light from beachfront clubs and restaurants illuminated his face.
"You mean 'we'…."
"Stephen's expecting me back in New York…" she explained. Connie
watched as Kevin's brow furrowed. His jaw had tightened, too.
"Fuck Stephen!" he spat. "He can keep right on expectin'! If
you don't want to go back to the grove house then we can go to
my place in Orlando!"
Connie looked up at the sky feeling frustrated and a little
worried. She knew that this discussion was bound to come up and
she didn't want it to be an angry conversation. She was trying
to be objective - a quality that was eluding Kevin completely.
"I'm no longer working on the book." She said gently. "Remember?
Adam will probably be arriving tomorrow. I have no reason to be
there anymore."
Bad choice of words….
"No reason? NO REASON?" Kevin shouted angrily. "What the hell
kind of reason do you need, Connie? Am I crazy? Didn't I hear
you tell me that you loved me?"
"Yes…"
"Didn't you understand me when I said that I had fallen in love
with you?"
"Kevin…"
"Did you?"
Connie sighed. "I hope I did."
"Well, excuse the shit outta me! Maybe I am an idiot
but 'ya know what? I think that qualifies as a reason -
and a pretty damned good one! The best one I can think of, in
fact!"
Kevin's hands were on his hips now and he was leaning into Connie's
face. Despite his demeanor, he was taking the romantic position.
As his lecture continued, he grew more agitated.
"You can be my guest, for God's sake, if that's what's worrying
you!"
"The house is full…"
"My bed is not - and that's where you belong now!" When
Kevin's hand involuntarily flew up in the air, emphasizing his
strong feelings, Connie's reaction startled and upset him. She
had gasped, taken a step back and actually cowered in front of
him as if she had expected him to strike her. Kevin had learned
some things about Connie's previous relationship but now suspected
that her months with Trevor had been worse than he had imagined
or been told. She recovered quickly and did her best to deride
her response but the false bravado that had served her so well
in the past wasn't affecting Kevin now.
"Connie…."
He spoke gently but she was deliberately looking away, embarrassed
by her reflexive action and desperately hoping that Kevin hadn't
picked up on it. Her hopes were shattered when Kevin put his hand
on her cheek and turned her face towards his.
"Did you think I was going to hit you? Are you afraid of me?"
Connie struggled to put a smile on her face. "No! Of course
not! Why in the world would you think such a thing?"
She pulled away from Kevin's hand and started to continue her
walk in the sand, anxious to recover control. Her dismissive attitude
was tempered by the trembling Kevin had felt when he touched her.
He grabbed her by the arm before she could make her escape and
reined her back to him but, once again, she had difficulty meeting
his eyes and he had to shake her slightly to capture her attention.
"What did he do to you, Connie?"
"Nothing!"
She tried to pull away but Kevin was holding fast. The more
she struggled, the tighter his grip grew until finally, out of
frustration, shame and the inability to break free, she collapsed
against him in crippling sobs. Once again he had tapped directly
into her insecurities and sense of failure. Soothing words and
terms of endearment were useless. She would never be free of Trevor
Abbott until she rid herself of a victim's guilt. He had done
one hell of a number on her. Her usual objectiveness evaporated
when it came to him. She blamed herself for her weakness.
"Tell me.." Kevin demanded as he pulled her from him. "Tell
me what he did to you."
Connie chuckled bitterly through her tears. "You mean 'tell
you what I let him do to me…"
"That's not what I said, Connie. We're going to stay out here
until you unload this shit. "
"You don't want to hear this, Kevin. And I don't want to tell
it!"
You're probably right, Connie. I may not want to hear it, but
you need to tell it. Sit down.."
Kevin pulled her down to the sand and spoke to her face once
more before turning her so that her back was against his chest
and they were both looking out over the gulf.
"I want you to start talking. I don't want you to stop until
you're finished - I don't care if it takes all night. You told
me that you trusted me. Now prove it."
It took Connie a few minutes to get started. She spoke slowly
and softly enough that Kevin had to lean in to hear her, stroking
her hair, encouraging her. Her sense of shame made him both angry
and sick, reminding him of the words she spoke when he rescued
her in the back corridor of 'Bushwackers'. I didn't want him
to, Kevin! Please believe me! She repeated some of the things
that Hannah had told him about Connie’s relationship with the
infamous Trevor but other revelations shocked and angered Kevin.
He muttered curses, only because he knew Connie wouldn’t hear
him or see his face and become more upset. He hadn’t yet learned
to appreciate her talents at gauging emotional reactions through
breathing patterns, body tension and pulse rates. To this end,
she pressed her back against Kevin’s chest and shifted so that
she would be able to feel his heart beat against the base of her
neck and feel his breath at her temple. He had wrapped his arms
around her in such a way that she would be able to feel any tensing
in his shoulders or hands.
She expected that he would react strongly and hoped that his
reaction would be based on sympathy and not disgust. She would
be able to determine that, too. Any sign of him drawing back or
pulling away - any uncomfortable shifts in his body would justify
her own degree of self-loathing. She didn’t want to put either
of them to that test but it was unavoidable if they were to move
forward and Kevin seemed anxious to forge ahead.
“I really wanted to believe that my deafness wouldn’t matter,”
Connie said quietly, “but it always had in the past. Deaf friends
were wary from the beginning. Most of them told me that relationships
with hearing men never work. The novelty wears off and turns into
impatience, pity and finally, guilt.”
She told Kevin about Trevor pressuring her into bed and how
he chided her about being a twenty-two year old virgin. He had
known how badly she wanted to be considered ‘normal’ and used
that against her by defining ‘normal’ in his own self-serving
way. She obliged him out of fear - fear of being alone but she
soon discovered that she was alone anyway. He chipped away at
her sense of self worth and convinced her that she would have
no one if it weren't for him. He began playing cruel games. Everything
in his life that he felt wasn't 'up to standard' or didn't make
him feel good was her fault. He managed to isolate her
so that his opinions wouldn't be contradicted.
"He would have people over a lot. Sometimes, I would turn and
look at the people in out apartment and they would be snickering.
Later I found out they were laughing at me. He would make crude
and insulting remarks about me when I wasn't watching and his
friends would laugh. Later he started wanting me to wear revealing
clothes and he would…. Well, he would try to embarrass me in a
physical way around other people.."
Connie felt Kevin's arms tighten. His breathing quickened.
"When I protested, I would be…..punished. He had taken the bulb
out of a spare closet and he would push me in and lock the door.
I had watched him say that if I made a sound, he would keep me
in the dark longer. Sometimes he would just leave…. " Connie took
a deep breath. "I'm so afraid of the dark, Kevin….," she whimpered.
"So afraid… That's why I keep my door open at night."
Kevin was fighting to control his rage but he hadn't loosened
his hold on her and he hadn't backed away. Connie went on.
"He got very angry when I couldn't seem to….when I didn't respond
to him the way he thought I should have. He accused me of being
frigid and then of holding back on purpose - to get even with
him. Then he said that maybe I needed an audience to perform and
he wanted to bring a couple of his buddies in to watch us… He
did bring them, Kevin, and when I wouldn't…perform….he
was embarrassed in front of his friends and he hit me. He hit
me a lot…."
Connie had become surprisingly calm. She felt almost as if she
were talking about someone else. She didn't know why she was trembling.
She didn't feel cold. Then she realized that it was Kevin who
was trembling. His heart was pounding against her neck as he pressed
her tightly to his body. She decided to end the story and cut
to the chase.
"Hannah is one who got me out of there. I didn't have the strength
to do it on my own… She's the only one who knew about Trevor until
tonight…"
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