CHAPTER 37
Connie had closed herself off. It was easy for her. All she
had to do was unfocus her eyes or avoid looking at faces. She had
asked Kevin to leave her alone and to let her walk back to the house
by herself. He had relented. He didn't know what else to do. She
had seemed eerily calm, despite his emotional pleas for forgiveness.
Connie's last words to him had been sterile, and without intimacy
- almost businesslike.
"I know you didn't mean it, Kevin. I know you were hurt and
angry and I apologize. Everything just happened so quickly and
we didn't talk. We reacted. I have to go see Stephen because I
owe it to him. It wasn't my intention to leave you. It was my
intention to see if I could relocate…." Her lack of animation
had frightened him. Her tone had been robotic, her face expressionless.
Her acknowledgement of his heartfelt apologies was perfunctory
at best. She had been stunned by his remarks at first - he had
seen it in her face. She couldn't believe he would say such things
to her, especially about Trevor. He couldn't believe it either,
but now her shock had disappeared and been replaced by... what?
The answer came to Kevin like a bolt out of the blue. The shock
had been replaced by fulfilled expectations.
He thought back to the night she had confessed her weakness
in that relationship. She had been ashamed and fearful of his
judgement. Now, in her mind and heart, judgement had been made
after all and, after time off for good behavior, he had pronounced
her guilty.
Kevin waited for a little while before coming into the house.
He came through the back door. Apparently Connie had taken the
same route judging by the puzzled looks he was getting from Hannah
and Nick. He cast a glance at AJ before his red-rimmed eyes fell
directly to the floor and he passed through the room in silence.
AJ sighed heavily. Shit… That's what I was afraid of… Hannah's
brows furrowed as her face turned from AJ, to Kevin's retreating
figure and back to AJ again.
"What the fuck's going on?" she asked. "What happened?"
AJ's response was somewhat cryptic. "Looks like somebody brooded
too long…"
Connie was taking lingerie out of the dresser when Kevin came
to the door and leaned against the frame with his hands in his
pockets. He watched her for a full minute before she saw him there,
catching his somber expression in the mirror. After a moment's
hesitation, a small smile formed on her lips but the smile did
not reach her eyes. It could best be described as cordial.
"I made my reservation," she said lightly, closing the drawer.
"I leave at noon tomorrow."
A wave of nausea swept over Kevin. It was all he could do to
curb his gagging reflex.
"When is your return flight?"
His question sounded squeaky, cracked and higher than normal.
He was glad that Connie didn't discern that. She turned away from
the mirror and put her things in a small suitcase. She wasn't
looking at him.
"I don't know yet…"
She doesn't know yet… That means she didn't book a return
flight. She hasn't made plans to return.. Kevin pulled his
hands out of his pockets and combed his fingers through his hair.
He just didn't know what to do or say. When he looked up, Connie
was watching him and his mouth turned up slightly at the corners,
exhibiting a hint of hope.
"How 'bout I go to New York with you?"
She didn't miss the small glint in his eye and had no doubt
that he would go with her if she offered any indication at all
that she wanted him to. He was hurting and wanted to be close
even though he knew that she wanted some distance right now. Just
a small fraction of encouragement would be all it would take for
him to skip the press conference, delay the recording and push
back their schedules. He would put her first.
"You can't do that..," she answered gently. "You have a lot
of business to take care of and so do I." Connie zipped her bag,
picked it up and walked to the door..
"Where are you going?" he asked, blocking her way.
His mouth tightened as he swallowed and Connie suspected that
his voice was no more than a harsh whisper. Kevin didn't realize
that he had instinctively grabbed onto Connie's arms. His fingers
pressed painfully into her flesh, causing her to wince.
"Please let go of me, Kevin… You're hurting me." Kevin jerked
his hands away from her as if he had been shocked. "I'm going
to stay in one of the guest houses tonight…" Her words were soft-spoken
and her smile was gentle as she reached up to touch his cheek
and stopped short. "I need a little time and space to think right
now. You probably do, too…"
Kevin was already shaking his head, his mouth open and his eyes
wide with alarm. "No!… No I don't! I don't need any space! There's
too fuckin' much space between us now!"
His hands flew to Connie's shoulders and he began to force her
backward towards the edge of the bed. Her fingers loosened on
the handle of the suitcase and it dropped to the floor.
"I need you with me tonight! I have to know that we're going
to be all right!"
The backs of her knees hit the mattress and he pushed down on
her shoulders, forcing her to flop down on the edge of the bed.
His lips hadn't stopped moving and his usually slow cadence had
grown urgent.
"You don't have to go to New York tomorrow! You can wait until
Sunday! Don't do this to me, Connie - don't punish me anymore!
Please!"
"I'm not pun…"
"You are!" he shouted. "I'm sorry about what happened - about
what I said! I truly am! You don't want to touch me! You don't
want me to touch you! You don't even want to talk to me! Jesus
Christ - I don't know what the fuck to do!"
"Don't do anything!" Connie screamed back at him. "Let me think!
Go to the club tonight with the others! Unwind and let me do the
same! Okay?"
Kevin's knees hit the floor as he fell down in front of her
and they were face to face. "NO! Not okay! Let's go out together
like we'd planned! God dammit! Can't we put today behind us and
move on? I lost it! I admit that! I have a fuckin' temper that
takes off sometimes!"
"Really?" She didn't mean to sound so sarcastic but she could
tell that Kevin was screaming and guessed that everyone in the
house was getting an ear-full.
Connie wanted them to move on, too. In actuality, the problem
was hers - not Kevin's. Pressure was suffocating her from all
sides - from Kevin, from Stephen, from her authors and from her
self-abasement concerning the past. She felt an enormous amount
of trepidation about seeing Trevor again but she knew she would
have to. She couldn't talk to him on the phone and he abhorred
e-mail communiqués. She wanted this time to herself to try and
decompress, even if Kevin didn't. She needed it. He feared it.
Connie offered a compromise. "Let's do this, Kevin. You go out
tonight and check out the new club while I stay here and get my
shit together. I'm going to the guesthouse tonight - alone." Kevin
started protesting immediately, shaking his head at the ceiling.
"Kevin!" she shouted.
He stopped, somewhat startled by her commanding tone. He was
breathing through his mouth and his eyebrows had furrowed upwards,
as if he were fighting an emotional response to her edict. When
she was sure she had his attention, she continued.
"We'll be apart tonight, but I'll cancel my flight out tomorrow
and wait to leave on Sunday, okay?"
"I don't want to sleep without you, Connie. I won't touch you
if you don't want me to… I swear…"
"Kevin. Please?" She was begging him.
Kevin sighed and closed his eyes. One night. She won't leave
tomorrow… He looked at her dubiously. When will I know,
Connie? When will I know we're okay? It only took a split
second for him to answer his own question. I'll know when you
want me again - when you need me again…. When no one else will
do…
He picked himself up from the floor feeling that he had no choice
in the matter, not that he deserved one, and took a step back
away from her. That's when Connie nodded, stood, picked up her
bag and walked out of the bedroom.
She didn't kiss me good-bye…
CHAPTER 38
The club was crowded, smoky and dark and the
liquor flowed freely. Kevin had gone, not because he was in a partying
mood but because he knew that if he stayed at the house, he would
spend the evening staring through the palmettos at the guesthouse.
Besides, he wanted to get drunk. This had been one hell of a day
and his nerves had been scraped to shreds. Time would pass more
quickly if he were in a place where he might have a diversion. Kevin
had always been taught never to wish his life away but right now,
he wanted this night to be over. He had just ordered his fifth bourbon
and water hoping that this would be the one to send him down the
path of blurry vision and hazy recollections. So far, he felt like
he'd been drinking straight water. He chugged number five down quickly
and waited for the buzz that still wouldn't come. Son of a bitch…
can't even get drunk… He was looking straight ahead, across
the bar to the rows of bottles lined up under oil paintings of reclining
nudes. Someone was taking the stool next to him and he hoped that
he wouldn't have to talk. Kevin cut his eyes to the left and groaned
out loud. He'd have to talk all right. It was Hannah.
"Yeah, groan away, Kev. I'm gonna be up your ass all night until
you spill it so you might as well get it over with."
"Nothing to spill, Hannah," Kevin lied.
"Oh! Okay then!" Hannah chirped merrily. "I'll just go…NOT!"
She ordered a drink and turned to look at him. "You know, just
because Connie's deaf, it doesn't mean we all are. If you want
to be so secretive, you'd better learn to stop screaming. We could
hear you and Connie all over the house."
"Great…" Kevin waved to the bartender and tapped his glass.
Maybe number six would be magic. "We're okay. Don't worry yourself
about it."
"If you're 'okay', then why isn't she here? And why are you
doing your damnedest to make yourself pass out?"
Hannah didn't like this game playing crap. She looked upon Connie
almost as a daughter and she was having grave doubts about her
potential 'son-in-law', especially after Leighanne had referred
to him as a 'player'. Hannah didn't think that was true but she
really didn't know Kevin's history with the ladies. All she knew
at that point was that Kevin had stormed off when Connie had said
that she would go to New York, AJ had spoken to her on the porch,
she had followed Kevin to the beach and then they had come back
separately and had some sort of fight. If Kevin was going to be
tight lipped, maybe she should talk to The Bone Man.
"Where's AJ tonight?" Hannah asked as she sipped her scotch.
"I thought he would be here."
"His girlfriend was supposed to come in tonight. They'll probably
show up later…you know - after…"
They sat in silence for a minute or two until Hannah couldn't
stand it any longer.
"You going to tell me what happened or not?"
Kevin slammed his glass onto the bar. "Boy, you just won't let
it go will you?"
"No."
Kevin sighed in defeat. Maybe he should tell Hannah - after
all, she's the one who told him about Trevor to begin with. "Okay…"
he said flatly, turning the stool to face her. "I'll give you
the short version. I told Connie to quit her fucking job so she
could stay down here. I want her to move in with me. Then Sullivan
calls and says her sadistic ex-lover needs to talk to her and
the next thing I hear is that she's going up there. She comes
down to the beach and tries to talk to me but I'm too pissed to
be sane so I tell her to leave - to go to New York right then."
He stopped there and stared at the cubes that were melting in
the remains of his drink.
"What else?" Hannah snapped.
Kevin put his elbows up on the bar and leaned into his hands,
pressing his thumbs into his forehead. He didn't look at Hannah
when he repeated his words. Hannah could barely hear him.
"I told her that….. maybe she would get lucky and Trevor would
lock her in a closet…."
He could feel the heat of Hannah's eyes boring into him. Finally,
a monosyllabic response.
"Christ….."
Kevin doubted that Pontius Pilate, himself, had ever uttered
the word with more disgust. He waited for the blow.
"You are an amazing man, Kevin…" Hannah said sarcastically as
she clinked her glass against his. "Just when I think you can't
top yourself, you manage to come through…"
"I deserve that…"
"Fuck you! You deserve a hell of a lot more than that, my friend!
Why Connie's ass isn't at La Guardia right now, I don't know!
You're no fucking better than he is! God dammit, Kevin!
I trusted you with that stuff I told you!"
"She doesn't know you said anything, Hannah… She told
me about Trevor and all the shit that he did to her.."
Hannah backed off. It was no wonder he was trying to drink himself
into oblivion. She glanced at the small pile of tissue near his
glass. Kevin had unconsciously shredded his napkin into a thousand
tiny pieces.
"What should I do, Hannah?" he asked quietly chewing on his
lip.
"Nothing you can do but wait for her to reach out for you, Kevin."
"That's what I'm doin', Hannah. Waiting. I just want to get
things right between us again. Can't you think of something to
speed things up a little bit?"
Hannah shook her head. She knew of no way for this fiasco to
reach a speedy conclusion. Little did they know that Mother Nature
would be on the side of love tonight. A strong and unexpected
storm front was moving in from the Gulf - an electrical storm.
*****
Connie spent the first few hours in the guesthouse sitting and
looking out of the window. There was very little to see tonight.
Although it was late and the full moon should have been high in
the sky, there was a dense cloud cover and next to no light. She
noticed that the wind had picked up, too. She shivered a little
and then closed the window. She had already changed into a little
cropped and buttoned tank and panties, her sleepwear of choice
- next to bare skin.
Her isolation was almost complete. All she had to do now was
lock the door and draw the curtains and blinds. When she had finished
those tasks she crawled into the bed and plugged in her laptop.
She wouldn't need to be on-line, thank goodness. She really didn't
want the invasion tonight. She would compose some letters instead.
She needed to write to her authors and Stephen. She would compose
now, edit tomorrow and send after that.
When she looked at the clock again, it was 2 AM. The letters
had taken longer than she expected, probably because her mind
kept drifting back to Kevin and what had happened earlier. He
hadn't understood her need for this isolation. He couldn't comprehend
that this had become a natural state to her. Funny, it didn't
seem as natural tonight as it had a few short months ago. She
was restless now, unable to concentrate or keep still for very
long. She had learned that Kevin sometimes needed space, too,
but that was a far cry from the total separation that she required
- or used to require. It didn't feel the same anymore. Connie
had recognized Kevin's need for occasional distance shortly after
she and Hannah had arrived at the grove house but she also discovered
that he didn't like the idea of complete aloneness. He wanted
someone fairly close by, just not in his face all of the time.
There had been times when they were alone and he would be working
in one part of the house and she in another. She would be reading,
typing or doing some personal chore when suddenly his face would
appear in the doorway for a second or two. Then he would simply
turn and leave to go back to what he was doing. It unnerved her
the first couple of times it happened but she soon learned that
he was just checking - making sure that she was nearby. If she
had been able to hear, he might have just called for her and waited
for a response. His need seemed clearer to her tonight. She wished
that she could peek into the living room or kitchen and find someone
there. Find Kevin there… Connie closed up her computer,
unplugged it and carried it over to a small table near the bathroom.
She thought she might as well try to get some sleep. Things were
always better in the morning. Her eyes darted to the doorway,
automatically checking to make sure the hall light was on. She
had left the lights on downstairs as well. Never can have too
much light… She was almost asleep when the first pangs of
fear seized her and her heart started pumping furiously. The hall
light had begun to flicker.
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