CHAPTER 77

Connie and Kevin exchanged a hug at the curb before he walked to the rear of the van and started stowing his things in the back. The tour would open in Tampa this time. Nick was already there and Howie was driving himself from Cocoa. Brian and Leighanne were flying in this morning from Georgia. Their respective bodyguards would be at the venue waiting for them. Kevin and AJ, along with Marcus and Carlos would be heading southwest together. Kevin was the last to be picked up and AJ had already claimed the front passenger’s seat. As Kevin secured his keyboard, AJ waved Connie over to the window. He kept glancing to the back of van as if he wanted to speak to Connie ‘in secret’.

“What?” Connie laughed as she stepped closer to the van. “It’s not like you have to yell at me or something…”

AJ was in top form, obviously excited to begin another tour. Connie hadn’t seen him in some time and had forgotten how wired up he could get. Even now, he couldn’t sit still and managed to dance in his seat in spite of the restraining seat-belts that Marcus insisted that all passengers wear. AJ tossed another glance towards the back of the van, making sure that Kevin was out of earshot.

“Uh…. Lemme ask you somethin’….”

Connie shrugged. “Okay. Ask away…”

“Uh…. Kevin’s …uh…. Well, Kevin’s not gonna be all pissy and crabby is he? You know…uptight…”

Connie was no where near grasping AJ’s obtuse implication. “Well, I hope not,” she answered. “Why?” she whispered, leaning in close. “Did you do something?”

AJ made a face and lowered his head so that Connie could see his eyes behind the tinted glasses. “No, dear”, he said patiently. “The point, Connie, is did you do somethin’…” AJ’s eyebrows began to wiggle up and down. “Kevin tends to get a little….tense…. if he don’t – you know – get what he …needs.”

After a very pregnant pause, a flicker of understanding sparked in Connie’s eyes. Her lips puckered into a small circle.

“Oh…”

“I ain’t tryin’ to be nosey or nothin’,” AJ lied, glancing towards the rear of the van again, “but I’d kinda like to know if everything went alright last night. I mean, are you okay? I heard things got a little wild. I’d just like to have some idea of what to expect, ‘ya know?”

“Oh?…” Connie’s eyes had widened considerably. Her face felt a little flush as if she were having some kind of heat flash.

“Yeah…” AJ noted her embarrassment and tried to ease her misery. “Aww, look hon… Don’t be embarrassed. We know everything that goes on with each other and our significant others. Things you would never guess, even. Kevin musta told you that. Christ, we get so in tune with each other that if one of us farts, another will say ‘sorry’….”

“No they won’t,” Marcus stated flatly, leaning forward. “They never say ‘sorry’. They hee-haw like ten year old boys…”

“Whatever,” AJ frowned at the interruption. “Anyway, I hope Kevin took it easy with you last night. He can be pretty rough. I’m guessin’ that was a new experience for you, huh?”

Connie tried to swallow. “Y-yes…”

“Bet he was pretty intense…”

“Y-you know K-Kevin…,” she choked, trying to remain neutral and hoping her voice wasn’t registering at high C.

“Damn, I should after all these years,” he laughed. “I’ll bet he really gave it to you, didn’t he?”

At last Connie was speechless. She could only hope AJ was, as well. She glanced to her right when she saw Kevin approaching with a smile on his face. His smile turned upside down as he glimpsed at Connie and AJ. AJ seemed to freeze mid-chortle and tried to put on a neutral mask. He wasn’t particularly successful, but he was better than Connie, whose eyes looked like two blue saucers planted on a crimson cloth.

Meanwhile, Connie’s emotions hovered between humiliation and anger. How could he? I know he’s ‘free speaking’ and all that, but I’m not! Is this what he was doing on the phone when I went to the kitchen? I thought he was so damn private! I can’t believe this! How could he talk about something so intimate? How does he think that makes me feel? She took a quick look at AJ. He was facing front – silent and serious. Ah… He doesn’t want Kevin to know he said anything ‘cause he knows Kevin would kill him… That’s okay. After Kevin kills him, I’ll kill Kevin….

“What’s wrong, babe?”

Connie was forced out of her murderous plotting, a little startled by Kevin’s hand on her shoulder.

“What?”

“I asked you what was wrong. You look kind of upset – like you could bite a nail in half.” Kevin turned and glared at his bandmate, who had begun to whistle. AJ never whistled… “AJ, what the fuck were you saying to Connie?”

“Huh?” AJ spun around in the seat like he’d been shot. ‘Caught’ was more like it…

“I asked you what were you saying to Connie…” Kevin said loudly. His eyes had narrowed. He was starting to get pissed and he didn’t even know why.

“Nothing, Kev! Honest!”

“Honest? Somehow I doubt that. You need a few more acting lessons, J… Now, tell me…”

“Why, Alex was just asking about last night, Kevin…” Connie smiled with obviously feigned sweetness. The clenched teeth were a giveaway…

AJ began to fidget. Carlos had told Marcus that Kevin had been pissed when they left the police station last night. Surely, he was over that by now. Unfortunately, though, Kevin was not one who enjoyed reminders of unpleasant experiences. He wished Connie would shut her trap. Couldn’t she tell that he hadn’t wanted Kevin to hear what he was saying?

“What about last night?” Kevin growled as his eyes shot back and forth between the two.

“Just tell me one thing, Kevin Big Mouth!” Connie hissed. Her hands had started to fly around as she spoke. Kevin watched her fingers move through the air, wondering if he had had some sort of medical ‘episode’ and had somehow lost several minutes of time. He was completely clueless. “Did you call AJ today?”

“Jesus, Connie! You’re gonna poke my eyes out with those flyin’ fingers of yours!” Kevin dodged a seemingly out of control index finger. “Shit, yes! I called J! So what?”

Connie froze in disbelief. “So what? SO WHAT? Well, for somebody who’s sooooo damn private, what possessed you to talk about…..that? How do you think that makes me feel? I don’t care how ‘close’ you guys are! Some things stay between us, Kevin! You have no right to talk about what we do in bed!”

While Kevin stood staring at Connie, trying to figure out what in the hell was happening and why, AJ was irresistibly pulled back into the fray by Connie’s last words - What we do in bed… He became foolishly brave.

“Uh…what did you do?” he asked, never questioning the inappropriateness of his question.

Kevin ignored him – or tried to.

“I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, Connie! I haven’t said anything about what we do in bed!”

AJ leaned a little farther out of the window. “What did you do?”

Connie and Kevin both shot a quick glare at AJ and hurried on with their argument.

“Then tell me why AJ seems to know so much about what we did last night!”

“What did you do?” AJ asked again – a little louder this time.

This time Kevin turned to AJ, still ignoring his pointed inquiry, but trying desperately to get to the bottom of this.

“What in the hell did you say to her?” Kevin barked. “When I called you, we talked about an itinerary change! What the hell do you know about last night?”

“Hell, man! We all know about Connie getting’ picked up by the cops! What’s the big deal? I thought it was funny, that’s all!” AJ looked at Connie somewhat reproachfully. “Damn, Connie. I thought you had more of a sense of humor. You’ve been around Kev too damn long…”

Connie stared at AJ as his words began to sink in. Shit – we’re talking about two different things… After a minute, she swallowed self consciously and slowly raised her eyes to meet Kevin’s. His green orbs were waiting for her to connect. As soon as they locked, he sighed and rolled them with a somewhat dramatic flourish. Then he shook his head and waited for her to speak.

“Oooops…”

“Yeah. ‘Oooops’.” He agreed.

He continued to stare at her until he was satisfied that she was sufficiently contrite, sighed again, turned and opened the door of the van. Connie didn’t budge. Now he’s mad at me…. Her eyes fell to the ground. After a moment, she felt his finger at her chin, raising her face to his.

“Don’t I get a kiss goodbye?” he smiled.

Relief flooded Connie’s features and Kevin got one hell of a kiss goodbye. It was a good thing. That one would have to last him a while. Nine days to be exact.

They had barely pulled away before AJ tried one more time.

“Hey, Kev?” he asked, turning his head towards the back seat, “What did you do last night?”

Chapter 78

In all honesty, Kevin was much too occupied to think about Connie all that much. One of the side effects of beginning a tour was that the adrenaline rush forced you to keep going at such a frantic pace, introspection was all but impossible for the first few days on the road. Kevin was pumped – they all were. Photo shoots, interviews, radio broadcasts and television appearances filled their schedules, leaving little time for personal musings. It seemed that the group members were either ‘on’ or asleep.

There were times – between these scheduled events and the ‘focusing’ time before a performance – that Kevin wanted nothing more than to pick up a phone and call her but, of course, he couldn’t so that. Computers were not always handy and, even if they were, he couldn’t hear her voice. IMs couldn’t replace the give and take of real conversation. Now that he was actually away from her, this realization disturbed Kevin on a level that was difficult to pinpoint. After several days of watching the others, who either had companionship or were able to enjoy the comfort of speaking with someone special, it finally occurred to Kevin that his connection to Connie was an ‘all or nothing’ proposition. They were either totally together or totally separated. There was no gray area – no limbo where loneliness could be dispelled by dialing a number or other frustrations could be soothed by a long distance call. The annoyance he felt, laced with a taste of self-pity, both frightened him and made him feel guilty and so he found himself trying to compensate by staying active and engaged. Parties and publicity, however, did not completely make up for his feelings of emptiness and loss. Tension began to build. Hannah had told him that it would be hard to nurture a relationship with Connie, especially when they were apart, and she had been right. Kevin was loathe to admit that, even to himself.

For her part, Connie also kept as busy as she could but there were still too many hours in the day. She had plenty to do – editing chores had piled up and she spent a lot of time at the computer reading chapters and emailing suggestions and corrections back to her authors who were happy to have her undivided attention once again. Stephen contacted her several times a day, usually regarding business matters but occasionally, just to chat. He would fill her in on office gossip and events and tell her what was going on in the city. He had taken the liberty, but also the right as her employer, to arrange for some business meetings to take place when she came to New York next week. Connie had already checked Kevin’s itinerary. Meetings with Stephen wouldn’t be a problem.

The first few days he was away were almost unbearable. It hadn’t taken Connie long to become spoiled by his presence and company but she had made it a point not to whine in her emails to him, most of which went unanswered anyway. The previous weeks they had spent together had been full of promise and affection. They had grown into that place where they felt totally at ease together, in spite of the fact that they were still learning about each other. For the first time since the accident, Connie felt almost normal. Her deafness hadn’t made her feel isolated, as it usually did, and she had felt no need to try to ‘make up’ for her disability in other ways. While deafness could not be considered a blessing, Kevin had managed to erase its curse.

The tour had started five days ago. Connie was doing okay but not great. Knowing that Kevin was essentially unreachable had affected her more deeply than she thought it would. Just being able to watch him sleep or bend over scattered sheets of paper as he worked on a new song gave her so much satisfaction. Now she really was alone. The house was empty. She had no real friends in Orlando and nothing that was ‘hers’. Connie had been surrounded by creative people for the last several years – authors, photographers, and now, singers, dancers and songwriters. Her job, for the most part, had been one of support – cleaning up their messes and holding their hands. A small part of her longed to feel the satisfaction of being able to create something that came from her, alone. One thing these people had in common was a sense of accomplishment that wasn’t always dependent on someone else’s approval.

Earlier that morning, Connie had checked a few internet sites to see if there were any pictures of Backstreet, their activities or performances. She didn’t do this often and, when she did, she usually visited very general and benign sites. Today, however, she had logged into a site that was not so generic. This site was called ‘Boys Just Wanna Have Fun’ and contained pictures and leading blurbs about famous male personalities. Connie had never heard of this site before the morning mail had arrived. Another letter had come for her – another computer printed note delivered in a plain envelope with no return address. The note had been fairly short but pointed. It was also slightly more ‘familiar’ than the first one. Connie felt in her gut that this note and the letter she had received earlier were from the same source.

Hi, Connie~

Although I was delighted to see that you’re not touring with Kevin, I was equally dismayed to discover that you’re still living in his house. WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?

Surely, you don’t think he’s pining away for you in some stale hotel room, do you? Check out www.BJWHF.com

You don’t know him, Connie. You don’t know him AT ALL. He’s very slick, you know. He’s had lots of practice. He can be ‘oh so sincere’ to your face but he’s going to do what he wants and he wants to fuck. You’re not there. Figure it out.

I could tell you so much about him but you’re a smart girl. I’m sure you’ll get the picture soon enough.

Against her better judgement, Connie had gone into the site and found several pictures of the group at a club in New Orleans where they had performed two nights ago. Brian and Nick weren’t in the picture but AJ, Howie and Kevin were there in all of their glory. One picture of Kevin showed him laughing at the camera while a buxom brunette wrapped her arms around his waist. The caption read “Free At Last” and referenced Kevin’s breakup with Brandi.

Connie had switched off the computer, refolded the letter, returned it to its envelope and stuck it in her desk drawer. The picture really hadn’t bothered her all that much. She knew how easy it was to put any spin desired on almost any photograph. The letter itself had bothered her more – not because of its contents but because it had been mailed to her at Kevin’s home. She succeeded in pushing the letter out of her mind. It wouldn’t be impossible for some obsessed fan to suspect that she and Kevin were together and take out their frustrations by writing the object of their displeasure.

The pictures hadn’t made her jealous but they had caused a certain sense of vulnerability to wash over her and she became determined not to give in to its power to create insecurity. She had to have a well-rounded life that included Kevin but didn’t strangle him. She felt a need to expand herself – to be her own person and grow along side of Kevin – not shrink in his shadow. She had fought long and hard to become independent and knew that this quality was one that had probably attracted Kevin to her in the first place.

Later that afternoon, Connie's interest was piqued by an article in the Orlando Sentinel. She smiled as she read. This was just what she was looking for. Registration for classes at CFU were to take place tomorrow. The English department would be offering a class that consisted mainly of independent study. It was called “Women Writers – A Study of Genres and Technique”. As she read further, she found that this was a creative writing class.

Connie found herself becoming excited at the prospect of going back to school and trying to develop her writing skills. She couldn’t sing or play guitar anymore. She wasn’t a dancer or an actor. She had no artistic abilities. But she was able to write… non-fiction, at least.

The scheduling seemed almost perfect. The class would meet once a week to discuss various authors and styles and they would receive an assignment that would consist of writing short stories in the genre discussed. Except for the actual class meeting, the student would be free to complete the assignment in their own time.

As she refolded the newspaper, Connie felt a tiny bit of selfish satisfaction. She would register tomorrow. She needed this. The course only lasted for twelve weeks and would get her out and about. It would also enable her to meet some other people but, most of all, it might start her creative juices flowing again.