CHAPTER 87

“BOO!”

Kevin jumped in his seat. “Dammit, Dee! What’s wrong with you?”

DeeDee laughed at Kevin’s discomfort and gave his ponytail a gentle tug. “My, we’re jumpy tonight, aren’t we?”

“Nooooo.” Kevin groaned and glanced behind his seat. DeeDee was alone. “Where’s Connie?”

“She’ll be up in a minute, She ran into some friends downstairs.”

“Friends?” Kevin stared at DeeDee as if he didn’t understand the meaning of the word.

DeeDee sighed impatiently and leaned over an empty chair to address Kevin in a more intimate manner. Her comments were patronizing and somewhat sarcastic but they hit the mark. She found Kevin’s lack of consideration a little arrogant.

“Yes, Kevvy - friends…” Her eyebrows shot up and her voice assumed a tone of mock sympathy, as if she were breaking bad news. “You realize, of course, that Connie has had a career in New York for several years…. Even I figured that she had a few acquaintances and maybe even a pre-Backstreet life here.”

“Reeeeally?” Kevin glared. “I think I already knew that, Dee.”

Kevin might have known it intellectually but, with the exceptions of Trevor, Hannah and Stephen, he’d never given it much thought. Hannah was the only one of Connie’s associates the he had ever laid eyes on. The idea that she had a life apart from him caused Kevin a little discomfort. Because they had been together in his ‘territory’, it was almost as if she hadn’t existed until he met her. It could be argued that that was true. She hadn’t existed for him. As if DeeDee was reading his mind, she threw out another crack.

“Well, I just wouldn’t want you to think that you gave birth to her or something. We were talking in the bathroom…”

“Told ya..” AJ interjected.

“…and Connie knows a lot of people in this city. Writers, artists, intellectuals – the whole nine yards.”

“We do talk, DeeDee…” Kevin sneered.

DeeDee rubbed her chin dramatically and gazed towards the ceiling. “Why do I get the feeling that you do most of the talking and she does most of the listening, so to speak?”

“Probably ‘cause that’s the way it works with you. You yap all the goddamn time and no one else can get a word in!”

Kevin didn’t wait for another volley from Dee. His attention was drawn to the crowd on the lower level. His eyes darted over the throng as he tried to squelch a slight ripple of anxiety. It didn’t take long for him to spot her, even in the increasingly crowded room. She didn’t draw his attention because he recognized her clothes – in fact, had someone asked him at that moment what she was wearing, he wouldn’t have been able to tell them anything except the color of her panties. It wasn’t her rusty tresses that drew his eye, either. It was her hands. They were dancing in the air down below.

Her fingers and hands looked almost fluid in the neon lights that decorated the nearby bar. The scene only seemed to punctuate DeeDee’s sarcastic comments about Connie’s ‘other’ life. Kevin continued to watch, fascinated, as Connie ‘talked’ with a small group of four other people – two couples - all of whom responded to Connie and each other with the language of the deaf. He noticed that Connie’s mouth moved as she spoke but that wasn’t the case for the others. They looked as if they were painting in the air, their quick hand movements sometimes interrupted by laughter. At one point, it almost looked as if a small disagreement had broken out as one of the men gestured sharply and shook his head in Connie’s direction. Her response seemed gentle in comparison as she nodded and placed her hand on his shoulder.

Kevin had never seen Connie sign conversationally before and found it mesmerizing and, at the same time, alienating. He suddenly remembered the night he had signed his short endearment into Connie’s hand. So inept… As he watched, Connie tugged at the man’s sleeve and pointed towards the upper level, but the man shook his head. A moment later, there were hugs and kisses and Connie left the couples to return up stairs.

*****

“What was that all about?” Kevin asked as she found her seat. He wore a smile but Connie noted the slight furrow in his forehead. “It looked like you were having an argument…”

Connie stiffened slightly. “They’re just some friends that I haven’t seen in awhile,” she explained easily. “We were just catching up a little. They wanted to know what I’d been up to and I told them. That’s about it…”

“Why was the blond guy acting all pissy then? He didn’t like what you told him? Did you tell him about me? I saw you point up here. Is that why he was pissed? Because of me?”

DeeDee rolled her eyes dramatically and murmured under her breath but even she couldn’t deny that the air had thickened a bit. Maybe it was about him… Connie’s lack of response and increasingly obvious unease grew into an awkward silence, forcing DeeDee to kick AJ under the table.

“Whaaaaat?” he snarled, leaning over to rub his shin.

“Dance with me, baby!” DeeDee grinned and nodded her head towards the lower level.

“No, I don’t wanna dance. I’m too damn tired – just wanna sit…”

God, he can be dense sometimes…. DeeDee tried again. “Pleeeease?” she whined. “Just one little dance…”

“I said I’m tired, Dee!”

DeeDee glanced across the table in time to see Kevin finish off his bourbon and then slam his glass down on the table, agitated at Connie’s reluctance to speak. Meanwhile Connie stared into her half-empty glass, tearing off tiny pieces of a paper napkin and avoiding Kevin’s glare. Dee had to resort to threats.

“Fine, AJ,” she smiled sweetly. “I’m sorry you’re too tired. I have a feeling I’m going to be too tired myself – later on - if you get my drift…”

The ‘drift’ seemed to slip past AJ at first but managed to circle back and hit him upside the head.

“Oh. Uhhh… Okay, baby. But just a quick one, okay?”

DeeDee raised a brow. “A ‘quick’ one? Are you sure that’s what you want?”

“Uhh…”

Kevin snorted impatiently. “Jesus! Just go dance already, will ‘ya?”

AJ shoved his chair back from the table and threw his napkin down into the seat, grumbling as he squeezed himself past Kevin. Kevin could have sworn he heard the words ‘Yes, Master…’ hanging in the air as he felt AJ’s hip bump against him.

A waiter passed and Kevin waved a silent order for another drink before turning his eyes to Connie. Her gaze had barely left the table’s surface and when she did glance up, it wasn’t to look at him. She seemed to be avoiding conversation. Kevin took a breath and began to maneuver carefully, trying to avoid any accusations or displays of anger. His choice of words were important but since his attempts to regulate their tone would be of no value, he would have to try to moderate his expression. He felt defensive and wasn’t sure why. She seemed a little nervous. He captured her attention by placing his hand over her wrist and offering her a soft smile.

“Do you want to dance?” she asked, almost hopefully.

“No…” Kevin shook his head but never lost his smile. “I want to talk.”

Her response was hesitant “Okay..”

Kevin shifted in his seat and then began to play with her fingers, studying her hand for a moment before meeting her eyes again. “I would have liked to have met your friends,” he began. “I saw them signing. Are they deaf, too?”

“Yes, “ Connie nodded. “Three of them were born deaf and Wayne, the blond man, became deaf when he was very young from an illness…”

“Oh, that’s too bad…”

“They don’t think so, “ Connie mused. “Actually, they have a great deal of ‘deaf pride’ and get along quite well in a silent world.”

Kevin paused to consider Connie’s words. He had made an assumption that he shouldn’t have but she didn’t appear to be offended. He decided to take a brief segueway before probing more deeply.

“You know I’ve learned to understand signing a little – just a word here and there…”

“I know, “ Connie grinned, relaxing into their exchange. “I’ve seen you practicing..”

Kevin blushed and shrugged his shoulders. “I just recognize the obvious kinds of words but, I have to admit that while I was watching you all down there, I didn’t catch anything. Guess that’s why I’m so curious.”

That was a white lie. He was curious about Connie’s conversation with her friends but not about the signing itself.

“That’s because there are different kinds of sign language,” she explained. “When someone learns to sign, they usually learn Signed English. Each sentence is signed word for word or letter by letter. The one we used, which is common among deaf people is called American Sign Language or ASL. It has it’s own syntax and grammar, kind of like ‘slang for deaf people’. Body language also plays a part is communicating, so tilting your head or raising an eyebrow or your shoulder conveys additional meaning to what you’re saying.”

“Oh, I see. Almost like a separate society or something…”

“In a way…”

Connie was shredding her napkin again. Kevin’s instincts had been right. Connie was uneasy.

“Are they uncomfortable around hearing people then? You know, because they’ve never been able to hear?”

“Of course not!” Connie dismissed Kevin’s comment with a stilted laugh. “They’re around hearing people all the time…”

“Then why didn’t they want to come up here and meet your hearing friends?”

“W-what?”

Gotcha! “I saw you point up here. It looked like you were asking them to come up…”

“They had to go…”

Kevin’s smile grew grim. Connie was lying. “Funny,” he said, nodding towards the railing. “They’re still here. Looks like they’re having a late dinner.” He paused and then leveled his eyes at hers, daring her to make up some flimsy excuse about their failure to be social. “Is it because of me? Because I’m a Backstreet Boy?”

For a split second, Connie looked puzzled. Backstreet Boy? Then she realized that Kevin was taking the actions of her friends as a personal snub. It wasn’t personal. It wasn’t even about him. It was about her.

Her being with him....

Chapter 88

Connie could feel herself wilting under Kevin’s flat stare. His expression was one of disappointment laced with a touch of anger and frustration. This reunion was turning out to be nothing like either of them had expected. So far, the anxiety that had permeated this day had far outweighed any of the relief that they had both hoped for. Issues that were best left to quiet and tender conversations were being forced to the surface in a crowded and noisy club.

“Can we go someplace and talk?” she asked, placing her hand over his. “There are some things you need to understand.”

Kevin nodded heavily and then turned to signal Carlos that they were leaving. They would walk. Carlos would follow. As the bodyguard left to find Marcus and tell him that AJ and DeeDee would be returning to the hotel alone, Kevin helped Connie on with her coat. He cast one more look over the railing to find Connie’s friends staring up at them, watching them depart.

They walked for a bit in silence. It was cold outside but, thankfully, there was no wind. New York City never slept but even the lights of passing cars and storefronts would not provide enough light for them to talk and walk at the same time. Connie would have to stop long enough to look into Kevin’s face and, while there had been many times that Kevin longed to be able to communicate with her without having to face her, this was one of those occasions that he wanted to look into her eyes as she spoke. He couldn’t shake the feeling that he had been tried, judged and sentenced by a jury of Connie’s peers.

Carlos maintained a discreet distance as they walked the pavement. People passed with barely a glance at the couple as they strode side by side, hands in pockets and faces forward. A cluster of street lamps stood at the upcoming corner and Kevin judged that the light there would be sufficient for them to have a ‘talk’. A street walker paced under the greenish glow of the lamps but soon flagged an approaching car that slowed and then stopped. After a moment of what Kevin suspected to be financial deliberation based on some sexual menu, the short-skirted woman climbed into the car and disappeared into the night. The corner was now empty and Kevin had given Connie enough time to chew on her thoughts. He grabbed her by the elbow and turned her into the lamp light, a little surprised by her stiffness.

“Okay, Connie. What’s going on?”

She cast her eyes to the walk and fixed them on a discarded Doublemint gum wrapper. She’d tried to have a similar talk with Trevor a long time ago. It hadn’t gone well… She prefaced her words with a deliberately soft smile, hoping to ease the edges of Kevin’s frown, but his lips remained drawn in a tight line, his eyes narrowed and his brow furrowed. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. They had been apart for over a week and all she had wanted was for them to be able to recapture the comfortable and easy peace that they had both become accustomed to during her time with him in Orlando.

“Kevin, my friends have nothing against you personally. They have strong feelings about certain things that have nothing to do with what you do or who you are .”

“What I want to know is how they could feel anything about me one way or the other. You say it isn’t because of what I do. Is it because of what I look like or something? If that’s it, then I have to say that…”

“No, no…” Connie cut in. “You’re beautiful. Besides, they’re not so shallow…”

Kevin’s voice rose as his hands flew in the air. Even though Connie couldn’t hear him, she knew that he was yelling now and she winced.

“Well, excuse me, but they seem a little shallow, in my humble fuckin’ opinion!” Kevin hesitated as another consideration entered his mind. “Or maybe you felt uncomfortable! Is that it, Connie? You trying to keep your sophisticated New York buddies away from your hillbilly boyfriend?”

Kevin’s sneer cut her to the quick. He knew better than that…

“You know that isn’t true!” Connie spat back defensively. “They’re nice people. They’ve been very good to me and they’re concerned, that’s all. They don’t want to see me get hurt again.”

Connie’s comment did nothing but fuel Kevin’s outrage. “Again? You mean like with Trevor? Is that it? They think I’m like him? Those fucking assholes don’t know a damn thing about me or about us! How dare they!”

“Kevin, please…”

“NO, Connie! I mean it! What the fuck is it that they think I have in common with that sadistic cocksucker?” Kevin was beside himself. His eyes flashed and he began to pace, turning his face towards her as he screamed out his indignation. He was getting more and more wound up. “What makes them so much fuckin’ better than me? I don’t understand why this doesn’t piss you off, Connie! I’m seeing this shit as a deliberate snub by a group of snots who don’t know one fucking thing….”

“They know you can hear…”

Kevin’s stomping ground to a halt and he gazed at Connie with a look of momentary bewilderment. In the silence that she knew hung between them, she repeated her brief explanation in a hushed whisper.

“They know that you can hear, Kevin….”

Kevin looked at her intently, not fully understanding the crime of which he now felt accused. Why should he have to defend himself because all of his senses were in working order? Why wasn’t she angry about her friends’ obvious bigotry? He tried to fight the idea that this was some kind of twisted case of reverse discrimination. He could see that Connie was upset with his display and assumptions and tried to calm himself and give her the space and time she needed to explain this to him. Kevin slowly lowered his hands and put them back into his pockets. She had his undivided attention.

“So?”

Connie took a breath and began her brief spiel on the sociology of the deaf, knowing that she would have never fully understood the impact that being labeled has on one’s psyche had she not herself become labeled as ‘handicapped’.

“Please understand that no deaf person dislikes a hearing person because they can detect sound. They don’t dislike hearing people at all. It’s just that many of them have come to feel that a relationship – the kind that we have – between a hearing and non-hearing person is doomed to failure and heartbreak. They care about me. They’re afraid I’ll end up getting hurt, that’s all.”

“And they’re basing that on the fact that Trevor can hear and he hurt you? You told me what he did to you. That had nothing to do with the fact that he could hear…”

Connie nodded. “You’re right, up to a point. Trevor’s cruelty didn’t come from his ability to hear….but…” Connie’s voice began to waver as she drew a long breath. Logically she knew that she had been victimized but remnants of self-loathing and doubt remained. She had faced the fact that she had been a type of oddity to Trevor and that her deafness had, in some perverted way, enhanced his feelings of superiority – that her desire to be loved had overshadowed her own self respect. He had often used her disability for his own amusement and she had been needy enough to take his abuse far longer than she should have. “…but, my lack of hearing created resentment and frustration and that made it easier for him to…I don’t know…justify the things he did…”

Kevin’s eyes grew cold. “Jesus, Connie… Please don’t tell me that you blame yourself for what happened…”

“No…” she said quietly. “Not really but the feelings that Trevor had towards me – the impatience and frustration – eventually led to resentment. I think that, at first, he tried not to deal with his feelings but they had to break through sooner or later. My point is that it is very common for these feelings of frustration to come between deaf and hearing couples. Statistically, it’s rare that these relationships last. No one wants it to be this way – it just is… This is one of the things that concerns my friends. They saw Trevor and me break up. They didn’t know the specifics but the knew that he could hear and I couldn’t. They knew I had been….broken somehow. They were supportive and kind. Now they see me with another hearing man. They don’t want me to get hurt again, that’s all…”

Kevin studied her for a moment. She was staring at the pavement again. Despite her pluck, she was still fragile and Kevin was overcome with the realization that it had probably taken a great deal of courage for her to let herself love him. Lord knows, she had fought it. He had fought it, too.

“Are you afraid that you’ll be hurt again….by me?” he asked lifting her chin so that her eyes were visible under the street lights. “Do you think that it would be better – or easier – if you loved a deaf man?”

Kevin was suddenly aware of his heartbeat. It had sped up and seemed to be hammering at his ribs.

“It might be easier for the man,” she said lightly, trying to move through this emotional juncture. The slight tremble in her chin, however, revealed her emotional state. “But I’m optimistic. Loving you is very easy and I know, in my heart, that it couldn’t be better…”

Kevin hoped she meant what she said. She didn’t know how desperately he needed to believe that. There could be no walls between them. None. She had to trust him fully. He had to be a part of her life completely but, after tonight, knew that he wasn’t. Not yet. But he would be. Kevin had yet to fully realize that Connie’s fears and insecurities were no match for his own.

His headache was coming back.