CHAPTER 97

Kevin tried to take a look at his watch without seeming overly obvious. Connie would be leaving soon and he had to get out of the studio. It was another one of those moments when he wished he could call her. Hopefully, this would be the last take. He was all for public service announcements and didn’t mind donating his time but not today. At least not right now…

Howie had missed his cue repeatedly but Kevin was ready for him this time. Maybe a swift kick to his ass with the pointed toe of a boot would prompt him. Kevin sat directly behind Howie and waited. While the others were getting punchy because of D’s parade of faux pas, Kevin was not amused. Enough already…

Only one week and they would meet in LA. Connie had hastily jotted down her itinerary at Kevin’s insistence. Tonight she had her writing class. She would work in Orlando until Thursday night when she would fly back to New York for publishing house and author pacification, jump on a plane and meet him in LA on Sunday night. Both of them would be very busy but, considering their last separation, they agreed to make a real effort to keep in touch this time in a more personal way. Email would have to do but Kevin had made it clear that he expected her notes to be personal – with no mention of the weather. Unless there’s a bad storm and you get scared, baby… He had outfitted his house with emergency generators and had purchased no less than eight flashlights that he had scattered throughout the house. Although there had never been another incident as bad as the one she had experienced in Clearwater, the possibility often played on Kevin’s mind.

“We got it! Thanks guys – you can split.”

Kevin didn’t have to be told twice. He checked the time once more, signaled Carlos and was gone.

*****

The snapshot had fallen to the floor face up and Connie stared at it from just over five feet away. The picture was a little dark. It almost looked like a black and white except for some colored lights that had been captured by the lens. The subject matter seemed a little blurry and out of focus, but it was hard to tell for sure from her vantage- point.

She was aware that the paper she held was moving and when she cast her eyes away from the fallen Polaroid to the sheet she held in her right hand, she was a little surprised to find that her hand was trembling a little, causing the paper to move just enough to blur the printed letters. A wave of dread passed over her and her stomach flipped as a sixth sense told her that this letter would not be as benign as the others. The writer wanted her undivided attention and wouldn’t accept dismissal easily.

Connie took a breath and steadied herself, forcing her fingers to be still so that she could read the words that had been sent to her. The photograph remained on the floor at her feet.

Connie,

I can see that my previous two letters have had little impact on your decision to remain in this doomed relationship. I really didn’t want to have to do this but I have to make you listen.

This picture is untouched and I’m sure any expert can attest to that. This is something you need to know about as I’m sure that Kevin has not been honest with you. You can see now, that I am right. He can never love you completely. You can never trust him completely. You’ll always be wondering, won’t you?

Ask him about the picture, Connie. Just ask him. I dare you….

Get away before it’s too late.

Connie felt sick. She moved very slowly, turning toward the bed, and gently placed the letter on top of the coverlet as if it were some rare document that required very careful handling. Even when she released the paper, traces of it’s dry stiffness remained on her fingertips. As in other emotional and stressful situations, her remaining senses were magically heightened. She had noted the texture and weight of the paper – heavier than standard printer paper – probably twenty-four weight. The letters were larger than usual. Fouteen or sixteen point, perhaps? And the font was Courier, not the typical Roman. The rectangle of white looked particularly stark against the dark green of the coverlet and even when she closed her eyes to take a deep breath, the image imprinted itself behind her eyelids.

She didn’t really look at the picture as she bent down to pick it up, preferring to view it straight on and close. She held it in front of her face now and waited while her brain tried frantically to interpret what her eyes were seeing.

There were two figures in the picture which had been taken at some sort of club. Other people surrounded these two people who were on the dance floor. They appeared to have been captured in the midst of a slow dance. The taller of the figures was undoubtedly Kevin.

He was much younger when this was taken – maybe twenty- two or twenty- three. His partner’s head was pressed up against his shoulder, eyes closed and enjoying Kevin’s embrace. Kevin seemed to be enjoying the closeness as well. He was wearing a soft smile. Their fingers were intertwined. They looked like any affectionate couple enjoying the intimacy of a slow dance in a crowded club. The picture was fairly typical except for the fact that Kevin’s partner was a man.

*****

Her two small bags were packed and sitting by the door when Kevin burst into the room. He checked his watch once more. Connie had requested that the concierge have a cab pick her up at the hotel at noon. It was already past 11:30.

Her back was facing him as she gazed out of the window and Kevin watched for a moment, taking in this rear view and anticipating their face to face meeting. Even from this angle, she was beautiful and round. Bright auburn curls were fastened up in a black scrunchie and fell halfway down her back. He was still several feet away from her when she unexpectedly turned to face him, almost as if she had heard him enter the room. Kevin had planned to come up to her from behind and bury his face in the crook of her neck – an affectionate gesture which might have startled some, but one that never caused Connie to jump. In fact, she always enjoyed it.

Kevin wasn’t given the opportunity to nuzzle this time. When she faced him, the look on her face caused any affectionate thoughts to fly out of the window. When she blinked at him, he saw disbelief, pain, questions and a cry for reassurance. Her expression was not unlike the one she wore when she found him in bed with Brandi. It scared him.

She didn't wait for him to ask what was wrong. There was no way he could know.

“I got my third mystery letter,” she said without emotion.

Third? “You’ve gotten three? I thought there was just that one. You know, the one you got before…”

“No,” Connie interrupted. “I got one when you first left to go on tour. It was a lot like the first one.” She paused for a moment before explaining. “This one was different…”

She dropped her eyes and Kevin waited for her to speak. Something told him that this letter was quite different. Her voice was too flat. Her eyes too wide. Her skin too flushed…

“It’s on the bed,” she whispered, still not looking at him. “And there’s a picture…”

Kevin felt a distinct chill run up his spine as he turned. The page, its creases evident from where it had been folded, lay near the foot of the bed. Next to it was another, smaller object. The picture. Kevin heard himself snort with a combination of anger, defensiveness and fear and he stepped over to the bed. Unlike Connie, he grabbed the photograph first.

Even though his head was bent as he stared at the picture, Connie could see the muscles and features of his face shift and drop. He seemed to sway for a moment and then his knees buckled, forcing him to sit on the edge of the bed. She was watching his reaction and he was desperately trying to remain calm but those expressive brows and sudden shallow breathing signaled his despair. She watched him press the heels of his palms against his eyes as if he were trying to push his reaction below the surface and then he reached to his side and snatched the letter off of the mattress.

He was squinting as he read and blinking back tears. When he had finished, he looked utterly defeated. Crushed. Kevin held the photograph in one hand and the letter in the other but now, he looked at neither. He stared into his lap. After what seemed like an eternity, Kevin’s head began to slowly lift and when their eyes locked, Connie tried to stifle a weak sob. The picture was not a joke or a misunderstanding and Kevin wasn’t going to lie to her.

She almost wished he would.

Chapter 98

Everyone has a skeleton or two hidden away someplace, but Kevin never thought that this one would come back to haunt him. Not now. He was so private. He had been so careful. Strong emotions crashed against each other, each competing for his attention. Anger, defensiveness and the knowledge that his past had crushed the woman he had grown to adore, prevented any rational explanation. He fought to find the words that would soothe – words that she would understand and accept.

Her face was the picture of betrayal. The letter and photograph had hit each of them hard for different reasons. The only emotion they had in common at this moment was confusion. Connie looked as if she were fighting the compulsion to bolt, yet as he watched, she pulled the small desk chair a few feet closer and sat down facing him….waiting. For once, he was glad she couldn’t hear his voice. It was hoarse and cracked on every word. He felt immeasurable guilt but found himself wondering why. Was it shame over what he had done or felt? No. At least he didn’t think so. Then why hide it? Why the dark secret? It was guilt over keeping secrets – secrets that she deserved to know about. I tried to keep Brandi a secret, too – until I could explain. You’d think I would have learned…. But this was in the past. It doesn’t affect the people that we are now….the couple that we are now… She has to understand. She has to…

Kevin was acutely aware of the time. She can’t go now… She can’t leave… I have to fix this. Good intentions did not make Kevin eloquent. Three words tumbled out of his mouth.

“I’m not gay.”

Connie wanted to look away, but she couldn’t. She wanted to run, but she was frozen. If he had been patronizing or dismissive it would have been easy to let her emotions and fears fly but he was….what? Then it occurred to Connie that Kevin was….. afraid. She quickly replayed other events in their lives that had elicited similar feelings from him. In the beginning, he had been afraid to let himself love her. Recently, he had been nervous about expressing his sexual needs. Sometimes his anger had been a smokescreen for fear. Like all human beings in love, Kevin had experienced the anxiety that accompanied a potential rebuff or the possibility of his lover being physically harmed in some way. He had been afraid of losing Connie before, but the conditions then were aggravated by the deliberate manipulation of others. He was afraid of losing her again, but this time he was totally responsible. Although he despised the cruel intention of the letter, the picture had not been a lie. No one had tricked him into dancing at that club.

Connie struggled for a non-threatening response. She didn’t want to fight. She didn’t want to cry. She didn’t want to feel.

“Are you bisexual?”

Again, her voice was toneless and flat. Kevin swallowed. That wasn’t good.

“I went through a…a phase when I was younger. I’d just left Kentucky. I hadn’t seen or experienced anything and I was…. I guess I was curious. I was far away from home, in Europe, and over there it’s different. It’s….”

He was avoiding the question. Connie tried again. It was becoming increasingly difficult to quell her emotions.

“Kevin,” Connie whispered, trying to be gentle, “are you sexually attracted to men?”

Kevin sighed deeply and closed his eyes. He had always liked women. He had always enjoyed women. How was he going to explain this to her when he’d never taken the time to explain it to himself? When he opened his eyes, Connie’s face had gone as flat as her voice and her eyes had become wet. Had he hesitated a beat too long before he answered her?

“Baby, you have to listen to me. Please. I don’t know if I can explain this to you. Just let me say it. Okay?” When Connie said nothing, Kevin took a breath and began. “I’m sexually attracted to people. Some of those people in the past were men. Just like with the women, there was no relationship and no emotional attachment. It was purely a physical thing – something different…” Nothing. Connie’s face was still blank. Kevin went on. “I don’t know if that's considered bisexual or not. I haven’t been with a man in a long time. I haven’t wanted to be…”

“How long?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe four years..”

Connie’s eyes dropped to the floor for a moment before her face met his once again. She had another question.

“Could you fall in love with a man?”

The question was so utterly innocent, that Kevin would have smiled had the situation not been so painful and personal for both of them.

“No more than I could fall in love with another woman. I love you, Connie. I have no interest in anyone else, male or female…”

“But no less, either, right? I’m not a man Kevin. I can’t compete with a man. I won’t compete with a man…”

“I haven’t been unfaithful, Connie.” His expression hardened at the implied possibility. Why couldn’t she understand that that there was no competition? “Tell me this – would you compete with another woman?”

The question threw Connie off balance for a moment. He was trying to tell her something.

“No, I wouldn’t. If I had to fight for you – if I had to win your love, it would mean nothing. I wouldn’t want anybody who couldn’t love me freely..”

“Exactly.”

“What are you trying to tell me, Kevin? That it doesn’t matter? That you just have a bigger pool to pick from than other people?”

Kevin winced at her sudden change in tone. Her voice had risen and it was shaking. This is something she didn’t want to accept.

“I’m trying to tell you that I love you…. that I don’t want anyone else… that I haven’t been unfaithful…. That you are my heart. You have to believe this.”

Once again, silence fell between them as they tried to gaze into each other’s souls and find the answers that would resolve their fears. The fierce intensity was broken by a knock on the door. Connie watched Kevin groan in frustration before he glanced at the portal. The clock on the bedside table read 11:55.

“Is someone at the door?”

“Ignore it, Connie. Please.”

“It’s my cab…”

Connie rose up from her seat but had barely taken a step before Kevin jumped from the bed and grabbed her by the shoulders, lowering his panic-stricken face to hers.

“You’re not going! You can’t go! Not now!…”

“I have to go…” she choked, pulling away. “I’ll miss my plane.”

“Fuck the plane!” Kevin shouted, grabbing her arm and pulling her back. “Don’t leave me! We have to talk about this!”

“STOP IT! You’re hurting me!”

Kevin looked as if he’d been struck. He reluctantly loosened his grip and took a tiny step back.

“Please, baby…” he whispered. “Stay.”

A single tear rolled slowly down his cheek and Connie stared at it until it disappeared into his moustache. She was unaware that her own tears had spilled across her face.

“I need to think, Kevin and I need to be by myself to do it..”

Arguing and pleading wouldn’t help. Kevin knew this, but he was afraid that if she left, she would never return. She turned then, lifted her coat from the chair and picked up her bags. When she looked back at Kevin, he was wiping the errant ear away.

“Will you still be meeting me in LA next week?” He forced the question out, fearing Connie’s answer.

His fears were justified. As Connie backed out of the door, her emotions burst free. She tried desperately to contain her sobs.

“I don’t know…”