CHAPTER 99

Jesus, Kevin looked like someone had fired a rocket up his ass the way he cut out of the studio…” Nick laughed.

Howie scowled. “Yeah. Nice of him to leave us with to deal with the fan shit. I swear, if I hear ‘Oh my God! I love you Howie! I’m your biggest fan!’ one more time, I may hurl!”

“Shut-up, D! You should be grateful. Besides, I think that girl who picked you up off the floor really might have been your biggest fan.” AJ was oozing with fake sincerity. “What was she – about five ten and 380 pounds?”

“That’s pretty shitty…” Brian mumbled.

Howie was pouting when he cut his eyes back to AJ. “She messed up my hair!”

“Big fuckin’ deal…”

The four bandmates had gone up to their secured floor alone while their bodyguards checked transport plans and got a bite to eat in the hotel dining room. Even they needed a break from their charges every once in a while. The Boys needed a little break from each other as well. They were three weeks into the tour – just past half way – and although they didn’t have to deal with the pressures of a full blown production, they still had to deal with each other on a full-time basis.

They were still grumbling when they stepped out of the elevator and had barely taken ten steps when they collided head on with Connie, who was practically running when she made the turn to the elevator bank. After a few seconds of tangled arms, mumbled apologies and uncoordinated side stepping, Connie pushed herself through the wall of Backstreet bodies, ran into the still opened elevator, pushed the button and disappeared behind closing doors. She had never spoken or even turned. The unexpected meeting and subsequent escape had happened so quickly it left Brian, Nick, AJ and Howie in a momentary shock. All four were silent and staring at the stainless steel doors as the elevator began its descent.

“What the hell was that?” AJ asked, lowering his glasses. “She in a hurry or what?”

Howie seemed uninterested and offered an explanation as he turned towards his room. “She has a plane to catch, I think…”

The three watched Howie stroll nonchalantly down the hall and then looked to each other.

“She didn’t even speak,” AJ noted.

Nick rocked on his heels. “Well, shit – I hardly saw her but she seemed kind of upset or somethin’ to me. You see that Brian?”

Brian studied the pattern on the carpet. Everything had been fine an hour ago. Things were not fine now. Still, it was none of their business. He was reluctant to get to nosey, knowing well Kevin’s propensity towards privacy, yet, if there was a problem, he also knew that it could affect them all. Christ, Connie showing up late for the first new York show had thrown Kevin off enough for the critics to notice and had them all ad-libbing their asses off trying to cover.

Kevin may have been first in command of the Backstreet Boys but Brian was the First Seargeant. He didn’t want to borrow trouble but he didn’t want the remainder of this tour, and the accompanying interviews and promos to get screwed up either.

“Yeah. I’ll check with Kevin. Make sure evrything’s okay. Don’t worry about it..”

Brian waved his hand dismissively and shrugged before heading down to Kevin’s room.

“You going there now?” AJ shouted to Brian’s back.

“Might as well…” Brian yelled back. “I’ll talk to you two later.”

Nick and AJ just stood, neither knowing exactly what to say or do. They guessed there really wasn’t much to say or do and for a full minute, remained in the hallway, shuffling and shrugging. At least Kevin had answered the door and let Brian in. The ever-curious AJ cut his eyes to his left. Nick was still rocking.

“You’re next to Kevin, aren’t you?” AJ asked, although he already knew the answer.

Nick’s face scrunched up in a moment of confusion. “Whaddaya mean?”

Christ, could he be any more dense? “What I mean, numb nuts, is that your room is next door to Kevin’s room, right?”

“Yeah. So?”

“Do you have one of those connecting doors? I mean, like my door connects to Howie’s room…”

“Yeah. I think so. Why?”

AJ crossed his arms, tapped his foot and rolled his eyes, waiting for Nick to make the leap. It took a minute but the wheels were rolling. Finally, Nick’s brows shot up as AJ’s point took hold.

“Ohhhh…”

“C’mon…” AJ had Nick by the elbow and was dragging him towards #1202 which was next door to 1204 – Kevin’s room.

“Naw, AJ. We shouldn’t. You know how Kevin…”

AJ stopped and turned to face the blond. He was exasperated but thought he might try to play on Nick’s feelings using the ‘good intentions’ excuse. He went on and on about how they couldn’t help if they didn’t know what was going on and that Brian was almost as bad as Kevin when it came to spilling the beans and that they were Kevin’s ‘brothers’ too, and so on and so on. Still, Nick was reluctant to eavesdrop.

“Fine Nick. You can play nice and stick your big blond head in the sand if you want but I want to hear what’s going on. Maybe it’s nothin’. Maybe it’s somethin’….”

“You ain’t gonna use my room to spy on Kev! That’s it! You ain’t gonna make me!”

In AJ’s opinion, this was a lousy time for Nick to start playing ‘holier than thou’. He would have to pull out the heavy artillery.

“Nick,” AJ whispered, “I got one word for you and one word only: ‘Tabasco’….”

With a defeated sigh, Nick pulled out his key card.

*****

“You gotta tell somebody Kev. What’s going on?”

Kevin was torn. He wanted to unload. He needed to unload. Badly. But he needed encouragement and sympathy, too and he didn’t know if he’d get it from his Bible toting cousin. Brian may be family but he could be pompous and judgmental. The last thing Kevin needed was judgment. He looked at his feet, unable and unwilling to risk rejection. He’d had enough of that already.

“Talk to me cousin,” Brian pleaded. “What could have happened in such a short time? She blasted past us like a bullet – didn’t say ‘Kiss my ass’ or nothing.” When Kevin remained silent, Brian offered another observation. “She’d been crying. Her face was wet.” Kevin made no comment. “Your eyes are red, too.” Still nothing. Finally, Brian hit paydirt. “She left you, didn’t she? You two have gone bust..”

Kevin’s face crumbled like a cracked saltine. He spun on his heel and stormed across the room, trying to contain the hurt, anger and frustration that threatened to spill over.

“Jesus, Brian! Leave it alone! I don’t want to talk about this, okay? I can’t talk about it! Let me handle it!”

“Handle what, Kev?”

As he spoke the words, his eyes fell on the paper and photograph that still lay on the edge of the bed. Kevin had his back to him now and was standing by the window. Brian didn’t ask permission. He picked up the picture, examined it and opened the floodgates.

“So Connie found out that you’re bi…..”

Chapter 100

Brian spoke so matter-of-factly that Kevin was momentarily stunned. He turned slowly to find his cousin staring at the photograph and leaning forward slightly, about the pick up the letter from where it lay on the coverlet.

“You nosey bastard!” Kevin hissed between clenched teeth. “Give me that!”

His despair had quickly shifted to anger in his attempt to protect his privacy but he was too slow and the letter was too short. By the time Kevin had stomped across the room and grabbed the corner of the paper that Brian held tightly in his hands, it was too late. Brian had read the lines before the paper was torn away. Kevin was incredulous.

“This is none of your goddamn business, Brian! I didn’t ask you to come down here and I don’t go buttin’ into your and Leighanne’s relationship!”

If Kevin was expecting an apology or defense from his cousin, he would be disappointed. Brian was neither sorry nor did he feel the need to rationalize his curiosity. He was quiet for a moment, allowing Kevin the time to enjoy his self-righteous indignation before he quietly replied.

“You know what, Kev? I really believe that if the shoe was on the other foot, you’d be buttin’ in plenty. I guess I’d be mad about it, too but let’s face it, I’m not as stubborn as you are. I don’t always have to be ‘right’. I hope that I would realize that you were buttin’ in out of love and concern and not because you were – how’d you put it? – ‘nosey’.”

“It’s none of your business…”

“Cut the crap!” Brian interjected. “You’re my family. I love you. You’re hurting. It is my business. Don’t make the mistake of thinking I’m stupid. I’ve known about your…your ‘other life’ for a few years now. Even if you don’t talk, others do – others have. I didn’t want to face it at first, I admit that, but I’ve had a long, long time to think about this. I’m not as judgmental as you seem to think I am.”

Kevin suddenly felt drained. Still, he tried to hold rein on his emotions. Still he tried to deny – to Brian and even to himself.

“You don’t understand, Brian. You couldn’t…”

“I think you’re wrong, Kev…” Brian was also feeling emotionally drained and flopped down on the loveseat. “Looking back, I can see a lot of things. You know what they say about hindsight. You were fighting this back in Kentucky, weren’t you?”

Brian was beginning to tread on dangerous ground. Kevin’s eyes bore into him, daring him to continue but Brian wasn’t about to let go. It was time for honesty. It was true that Kevin had not sought his advice and Brian was not there to give any. He was on a fact-finding mission. Given Kevin’s state of mind for that last few weeks and the fact that Brian had grown very fond of Connie, he simply wanted to help if he could. It was quite clear that his cousin was deeply in love with her, but Kevin could never be free until he dealt with his life and feelings.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Kevin’s tone was almost threatening. “Fighting what? Please don’t tell me you’re going to pull out all the old stereotypes, Brian!”

“I remember Uncle Jerald, Kevin…”

Rage flew over Kevin. Brian swallowed, knowing he was about to cross a dangerous line.

“What the hell does my father have to do with this? I think you’d better shut the fuck up before you regret what you say and I regret what I do.”

“Jerald was a hard man, Kev. He loved you all but he had certain expectations, didn’t he?”

“Shut-up, Brian!”

“Music and entertainment was fun but it wasn’t exactly ‘manly’, was it?”

“Shut the fuck up! I’m warning you!”

“Jerald preferred sports, so you played football…”

“I played football because I wanted to.”

“And you were good. And it made your Daddy happy.” Brian paused before going for the bull’s-eye. “But you were never the jock, were you? Not really. I don’t think you ever felt like you could meet his standards. Especially when you found yourself attracted to both sexes….”

“You’re crazy. Get out.”

“Not yet, Kev. I think Jerald suspected. That must have been a hard pill to swallow for a born and bred Kentucky man who probably felt that he would be judged if his sons didn’t all grow into quasi-cavemen. I remember his comments and eye rolling at family gatherings. I remember him being uncomfortable when you were excited about a school play or musical. He didn’t think too highly of ‘sensitive’ men, did he? Wasn’t ‘masculine…”

Kevin was crumbling. “Are you questioning my masculinity, Brian? Because if you are…”

“No.” Brian interrupted. “I’m not. Shit, Kevin, I’ve practically lived with you for nine years. I know you love women. I know you’ve screwed more than I can count but I also know that you’ve been open to male relationships, too. I heard about the clubs and bars and male ‘friends’…”

Kevin wiped his eyes. “Those weren’t ‘relationships’…”

“Okay,” Brian conceded. “Encounters, maybe. What I’m questioning is your guilt. Your father loved you. What he hated were his fears – not you. You were a good son, Kevin…”

Brian had seen Kevin cry. They all had. But getting choked up or teary eyed was not the same as what he saw now. Kevin fell back against the wall, put his hands over his face and slowly slid to the floor, trying to muffle his sobs with the palms of his hands.

“Christ, I’m such a failure…”

“NO!”

Brian jumped up and fell on his knees beside his cousin. Pulling Kevin’s hands away from his face, he tried to reassure him that this was not so. The two had had their share of differences but it was clear that Brian now spoke from his heart. Kevin would have to hear him.

“Don’t you know how much others look to you? How much I look to you? How much we respect you? Do you think we would feel that way if you were a failure? We admire you, Kevin! I’m sorry that your Daddy didn’t get the chance to see what a man you’ve become and to see what men you’ve helped us to become! He loved you! Jerald never got the chance to see past the Kentucky mountains like you did. If he were still alive, he would see that you’ve fulfilled your dreams and that would make him happy. When he died, you were still a boy. He didn’t know you as a man. You command respect, Kevin, and you would have commanded his. I think he was afraid of failing as a father and you were afraid of failing as a son. But you haven’t failed Kevin.” Brian ended his lecture with two words. “Accept yourself.”

Brian fell back against the wall next to Kevin and the two of them sat there in silence. Finally, Brian ventured on. The line had been crossed. He might as well keep on going.

“Does your…sexuality…. pose a threat to Connie? I mean, there is a lot that I don’t guess I understand. I suppose that a woman would think that she could compete with another woman but not with a man. Think she’s afraid you might get an itch that she can’t scratch?”

Kevin might have been offended but Brian’s question wasn’t framed with sarcasm or innuendo. There were just things that a completely straight person couldn’t understand, but that didn’t mean that they couldn’t accept. He hoped with all his heart that Connie could and would accept. Sometimes, Kevin didn’t really understand himself, but Brian was right. The only way they could survive and flourish was through acceptance and trust, and that would have to come from within.

“I think she is,” Kevin sighed shakily. “But let me ask you something, Brian. Are you in love with Leighanne?”

Brian shrugged and attempted to lighten the highly charged situation. “I know this is hard for people to believe sometimes, but yes – I am in love with her…” he smiled.

“Do you ever want anybody else? I mean have you been in situations where you want to sleep with somebody else?”

“Well, I guess there have been times when I wanted sex and she wasn’t around but I didn’t want it bad enough to go to someone else.”

“Why not?”

“Because it isn’t the same. I love her. Sex with somebody else would be like jacking off – with an assistant. She’s the one who gives me what I want and need. Besides, it's more than just the sex, isn't it?”

Kevin dropped his head. Maybe Brian would sort of understand after all, even if he didn’t get the male/male thing.

“Exactly…”

*****

Brian stayed with Kevin for another hour and in that hour, Kevin told Brian about the letters and their deliberate attempt to sabotage his and Connie’s relationship. They discussed who might be sending the letters, based on the postmark and could come up with no definite conclusions. Even after they tried to list the possibilities, they realized that anyone could have sent them. The picture had limited some of the possibilities in that whoever had sent the letters would have to have access to some pretty serious investigative ‘techniques’ but the cousins recognized that anyone with cash could get or find anything they wanted.

When Brian finally left, Kevin was exhausted. Thankfully, there was no show tonight and he planned to just lay low and order room service. Maybe he would try to write to Connie. He knew that she needed some space right now but, unfortunately, that was the last thing that he needed. They both wanted reassurance but neither of them had it. Kevin wanted to feel the touch of her fingers on his throat.

On the other side of the connecting door, Nick and AJ lowered their glasses and stared at each other. Down the hall, Brian was making a phone call. He booked an early evening flight to Orlando.