CHAPTER 101 The trip to He’d had to tell Leighanne a half-truth. He didn’t like being dishonest with her, yet he couldn’t bring himself to discuss Kevin’s problems with her, either. She would be curious and hungry for ‘info’ and he would be forced to get into some really personal shit. Brian wasn’t quite ready for a discussion about the complexity and psychology of Kevin’s bisexuality, especially with a woman who grossly over-simplified the concept of sexual preferences. Everything was black or white to Leighanne. In her opinion, a person was either gay or straight. There were no gray areas, despite any insistence that a person could be attracted to both sexes. If a person got physical enjoyment from a same-sex coupling, they were homosexual. Period. So, he had told her that he had to sign some legal papers and that his signature had to be notarized. Brian explained that his attorney would meet him and he would catch the red-eye back. He also told her not to discuss this with anyone because it was a private matter and had nothing to do with BSB. ‘Make something up if anyone asks where I am…’, he’d said. Leighanne had pouted but she bought the story and seemed to enjoy the role of accomplice. Brian might have to fill in some holes later but he could handle that. Something nice from a duty-free shop at the airport had been known to fill a pretty big hole in the past…. Brian wasn’t sure what he would even say to Connie. He could understand her confusion and hurt because he was confused himself. It’s one thing to discuss sexuality in abstract terms but another when it’s personal and hits home. Backstreet had developed a reputation for being open and for embracing all people. The group truly valued and appreciated the support of their fans regardless of their age, race, sex or personal preferences. Brian could recall only two of them who had, on occasion been ‘less than tolerant’. One of those was Howie, which was ironic considering that he was usually voted the BSB most likely to be gay. Brian supposed that his discomfort had to do with some Latin ‘machismo thing’. Oddly enough, the other Backstreet Boy who had cracked a joke or two or made politically incorrect comments, was Kevin. Brian could only remember that happening twice and Kevin had been drunk both times. Was it a smoke screen? Maybe denial? Brian thought that it may have been a little of both. Kevin’s attractions went against the grain of everything he had been taught at home. There must have been times when he was torn up inside. The result was that Kevin had grown up with the notion that love was conditional – that you had to be what other people expected and wanted you to be. As much as Brian had talked to Kevin about accepting himself, he wasn’t sure that was possible until Kevin felt that others – those who might know or suspect his ‘secret’ – could accept him for what he was. Brian had struggled with that himself. His reputation as a ‘Bible thumper’ was deserved and he’d had a hard time ignoring passages that condemned homosexuality. Then he found a passage that gave him a large measure of peace saying, in effect, that it’s not our duty to judge – that our duty is to love and that we need to leave the judging part to the Lord. Loving and condoning were separate issues, however. Brian knew that Kevin didn’t expect anyone to condone what he had done. It wasn’t hard for Brian to love Kevin. He suspected that it wouldn’t be hard for Connie to love Kevin either, but just as ‘loving and condoning’ were different, so were ‘loving and accepting’. Kevin was in love with Connie and no other – man or woman. Could she accept and believe that? Love without faith is nothing and faith without action is dead. Brian laid back in his seat and closed his eyes. Planning was useless. He’d have to see Connie face to face and fly by his gut. ***** “’Ya hungry?” AJ felt compelled to breach the silence that had settled over the room. Nick had barely uttered a word since Brian left Kevin and AJ was a little concerned about Nick’s lack of reaction to what they had heard. “Yeah. I guess…” Nick shifted on the bed and pulled his feet up so he could remove his shoes. “I don’t wanna go out, though. You go ahead. DeeDee’s prolly wonderin’ where you are.” AJ’s eyes rolled. “ “Obviously not…” Nick muttered. “Seems like I miss an awful lot around here, doesn’t it?” He played with his fingers for a moment before looking back to his bandmate. “Did you know about this shit?” “About Kev?” Nick tensed and his face began to grow a little pink. “No, asshole! I want to know if the fuckin’ sky is blue!” Nick hissed sarcastically and shook his head. “What the shit do you think?” “Okay, jerk-off! The answer is - not really. Not for sure.” AJ paused to gaze levelly at Nick. “Does it matter? It’s still Kev…” “Yeah, I know….” AJ studied Nick from across the room. From his color, expression and overall body language, it wasn’t hard to tell that Nick was pissed and AJ’s tone took an accusatory edge. “You mad because Kev has been with a man?” Nick’s eyes flashed and grew hard. AJ continued. “’Cause that’s pretty damn weak, man. Kevin’s a good guy. He loves Connie. Don’t you go lettin’ some private part of his life that’s got nothin’ to do with you make you think less of him! He’s not ‘less’, he’s….” Nick shot out of the bed and was across the room before AJ could finish the thought. In an instant he felt himself being pushed up against the wall with Nick’s furious face hovering above his shocked one. He was aware of increased pressure around his neck – the result of Nick’s meaty hands tightening on his collar. “You skinny little fuck! Don’t you dare lecture me about Kev! Why the hell should I be mad with him? I ain’t no goddamn bigot! The fuckin’ fact is that I’m pissed ‘cause someone’s fuckin’ with him! I’m upset ‘cause he feels like he can’t be open - that he couldn’t trust me – or any of us! Christ, he babbles on about every goddamn thing! Usually can’t even get him to shut up but he apparently didn’t feel like he could talk about this…” “Privacy, man…” AJ squeaked. Nick’s grip tightened. “Fuck ‘privacy’! We haven’t had any ‘privacy’ between us for over nine fuckin’ years! So, yeah! I’m pissed! I’m upset! But mostly I want to kill the cocksucker who’s screwing around with him and Connie!” AJ’s eyes were as wide as saucers as he stared into Nick’s red face. The blue-eyed tornado was practically panting and AJ felt himself swallow, hoping that Nick wouldn’t decide to pick him up and hurl him across the room. He began glancing around the room, trying to form a plan of escape. “Well, it ain’t me!” AJ protested. The grip loosened. “Fuck…” Nick muttered as his hands dropped to his side and he turned away, trying to compose himself. “Sorry, man. It just makes me so mad! I wanna do somethin’, ‘ya know? We’re supposed to watch each other’s backs. Hell, no one else is gonna do that for us. You know that…” AJ let out a breath that he hadn’t realized he was holding. He did understand. One of the most frustrating feelings there is, is feeling helpless. If he and Nick felt it, he could only imagine how Kevin must feel. “Yeah, Nicky…” AJ walked up behind the six-foot ‘baby’ and patted him on the shoulder. “I know…” The wheels began to turn in AJ’s head. “Maybe can do something. You know, figure something out…” Nick’s head turned and his face sparked with interest. “Like what?” “Not sure,” AJ mused. “No one knows about these letters ‘cept Kev, Connie, Brian and us – and they don’t know that we know, right?” “Yeah. Right…” Nick had turned completely now. “So?” “So, let’s you and me order some room service and talk this out a little.” ***** Brian was sitting in the back-seat shadows of a cab when the black 4Runner turned into the driveway. “Wait for me…” Brian instucted the driver. “I might be a while.” Brian hadn’t taken into account that garage was dark when he came up behind the truck. He instinctively called out to Connie and she turned, but not because she heard him. His movement caught her attention – and scared her to death. “Who are you? What do you want?” she shouted, backing up while exploring the garage walls with her hands in search of a weapon. When her breathing accelerated and panic set in, she started swinging, catching Brian upside of his face and digging into his skin with her fingernail. “HELP! HELP ME!” A hand flew over her mouth as the stranger grabbed her and pushed her back against the wall. His intention, unbeknownst to the victim, was not to hurt her. Brian only wanted to find the light switch. Connie’s teeth had already begun to sink into his fingers when the fluorescents came on, exposing Brian’s regret, frustration and blood which paled against Connie’s terror-stricken expression. For a few confused seconds, they stared at each other, Connie tried to catch her breath while Brian sucked on his wounded finger and then, catching Brian completely off guard, she started wailing the shit out of him. “What the hell is wrong with you, Brian! You scared me half to death! You’re damn lucky I didn’t slap you upside the head with the bad end of a shovel! Are you cra…?” “For God’s sake, Connie!”, Brian shouted back, raising his arms for protection. “I’m sorry! Okay? I saw you pull in and I wanted to talk to you! Jesus- you’re killing me, here! Ouch, goddamn it! STOP!” Connie gave Brian one more shove for good measure and then unlocked the door that lead into the kitchen. Waving him in, he followed and then leaned against the island, waiting to jump into another fire. No one spoke as Connie reached up into a cabinet and pulled out a Band-Aid . “Give me your finger,” she said solemnly, avoiding Brian’s gaze, “..and then you can tell me what the hell you’re doing here.” Brian sighed and tried to offer Connie a smile. They had gotten off to a bad start and he guessed, from the way she had looked earlier in the day, that her nerves were pretty frayed. “To tell you the truth, Connie, I’m here to butt into your business.” Connie’s arms crossed defensively. “What business?” she spat. “I know what happened today, Con.” Connie looked away and then turned her back to Kevin’s cousin. She was tired and ragged and didn’t think she could bear to go into this. She didn’t know what to do and when she tried to think rationally, her thoughts fell to New York. I should just go back to my apartment and pretend I never heard of the Backstreet Boys…. She was scared. Kevin had offered her a foundation of love, respect and security which, despite several setbacks and often against her better judgment, she had accepted. She had accepted because she was in love with this man and she trusted him. Then, ten hours ago, his gift had been snatched away. Within a matter of minutes, her world had tilted on its axis. She could understand why he had kept this from her but it didn’t change the facts. How could she have been so stupid? “Did Kevin send you here?” Her question was voiced in a broken whisper. Connie grabbed a tissue from a nearby box and dabbed at her eyes before turning to read Brian’s answer. “He doesn’t know I’m here. I don’t want him to know. I don’t think he’d appreciate it…” “I’m not sure I appreciate it either, Brian. This really is between Kevin and me…” “Ultimately, you’re right. But…” Brian rubbed his hands down the sides of his face, suddenly doubting his own good intentions. Connie had built up a wall that was going to be difficult to crack. Still, he had to try. “Listen, Connie. I have a cab waiting for me and have a flight back out in a little while. I’m not here to interfere or make you feel bad or anything. I just want to run some things by you for your consideration, that’s all. This will stay between us…” Connie’s stare was cool but she relented. She pulled a beer out of the refrigerator and handed it him, gesturing for him to take a seat. She might as well get this over with. Kevin was stubborn but so was his cousin and Connie knew that Brian wouldn’t leave before he could have his say. She had to admit that she was a little curious as to how he was going to defend Kevin and still maintain his moral high ground. She knew enough to know that any decision she made would have to be based on what she felt in her heart but realized that hearts were full of hope and she wasn’t sure that Kevin was a good risk. In Connie’s mind, she almost felt as if she were choosing between devastation now or emotional destruction later. She wished she could hate Kevin. This would be so much easier if she could. And it would have to be less painful…. With reluctance, she pulled out a chair and faced Brian across the kitchen table – a table that she and Kevin had seen in an Ocala antiques shop. Unconsciously, she rubbed her palm against the grain of the black walnut planks. This table had been the first thing they had purchased as a ‘couple’… “Okay, Brian. You talk. I’ll listen.” ***** “Kevin said all the letters had a New York post mark…” “So?” “So that means they’ve all been mailed from New York City, Shit For Brains…” “Oh. Oh, yeah…” “So let’s make a list. Think of anybody and everybody that would do something like this…” AJ straightened the paper in front of him and shot his cuffs, preparing to write. The first name came in a heartbeat. “I think that Trevor guy, Connie’s old boyfriend, could’ve done it,” Nick said firmly. “Hannah told me some shit. The guy’s a real asshole.” “Okay.” AJ scribbled Trevor’s name at the top of the list. “That lawyer, Terry, is in New York now…” “Put him down! He has a real ax to grind with Kevin…” AJ chewed on the end of the pen. “Who else? There’s got to be more than two people.” They both thought in silence. This might be harder than they thought. The fact was that it could be anybody with enough money to hire a PI and enough chutzpah to be this bold. “How about Brandi?” Nick was pleased with himself for that one. They had both thought of men first. “Meanness and blackmail are equal opportunity employers…” “I didn’t hear anything about blackmail,” AJ frowned. “It’s sorta blackmail!” Nick scowled back. “Sheesh! Okay, okay….” AJ added Brandi to the list. “If you’re going to go unisex on me, how about Leighanne? She was giving Connie major shit at one time…” Nick paused to scratch his chin and consider the possibility. “Naw. Too risky for her. Besides, she’s been with us and she and Connie seem to have come to some sort of truce.” AJ smirked across the table. “Yeah. The ‘Brian will dump my ass if I don’t play nice’ truce… or the ‘I’m not like Brandi, Brian. Really!’ truce……” “Whatever…” Nick laughed. Again, the room grew quiet. “I think we have to consider the label…” AJ said softly. “I wouldn’t put nuthin’ past those bastards…” Nick nodded. “Yeah. Plus they don’t want Connie around and they’ve been up Kevin’s ass for all these years…” Nick drummed his fingers on the tabletop. “And, ‘ya know – I hate to say it, but Jeffrey was pretty pissed with Connie in New York. You remember. The night she came late to the show…. I guess it’s possible that management could have a hand in this.” “But Connie got letters before then,” AJ argued. “Oh yeah. That’s right…” They both leaned back in their chairs. The list was short. What now? “You know it could be anybody…” “I know,” Nick nodded. “What about Hannah?” “Hannah wouldn’t do nuthin’ like that!” AJ rolled his eyes. “I know that, Nick… I mean, maybe we should talk to Hannah. I think we need to start at ground zero and that’s New York. Hannah’s in New York. We need to talk to her.” ***** Brian took a hefty swallow of beer and began his unprepared speech. “Okay. It’s like this. I talked to Kevin after I saw you charge to the elevator in tears today. He was beyond upset. Didn’t want to talk about it but I saw the picture on the bed and grabbed the letter before he could stop me. Then he broke. I mean that literally. He spilled it all. He’s beside himself, Connie. By the time I left this afternoon, he hadn’t left his room….” “I’m ‘beside myself’, too, Brian…” “I know you are, baby… This is hard and it’s complicated. I had my suspicions and didn’t like it but I love my cousin, ‘ya know? He never pushed anything or tried to force anyone’s approval. He didn’t discuss it. The other guys have no idea…” Brian braced himself against Connie’s silence. He was running out of time. “Listen to me, Connie. There’s only one bottom line here. The bottom line is love. Love needs trust. I know that and I’m sure you feel betrayed.” Brain hesitated, waiting for Connie to respond but she remained quiet. He continued. “Kevin’s had to deal with a lot of family shit – especially shit concerning his father. He had to fight…feelings….that were confusing and taboo. When he left Kentucky, and especially when we were in Europe, he explored those feelings. I’m not sure he should be shot for that. We all, umm…did things… that weren’t exactly – ummm… righteous…” Connie’s expression shifted into anger. “Jesus, Brian! I don’t want to ‘shoot’ Kevin!” “What do you want, Con?” That simple question caused Connie’s tethered emotions to spring free and within seconds, tears fell down her face. She could barely talk. “I want to love him! I want us to be together! I want to trust him and feel like I’m all that he wants – all that he’ll ever want!” she sobbed. Brian resisted the urge to comfort her. Instead, he responded pointedly and with few words. “Then you have what you want, Connie. Now give Kevin what he wants…” “I can’t compete with a dick!” she screamed. “Don’t you understand that? What if one day, I’m not enough? What if one day he wants someone else?” Brian waited for her to calm down a bit and lobbed another volley, this one laced with a touch of impatience. “What if?" he said a little crossly. "What if the world should end tonight? What if, one day, the ‘someone’ he wants is another woman? You're only considering the threat of another man!” Connie’s breath caught in her throat and her confused, tear-filled eyes met Brian’s. “What? What did you say?” Brian sighed heavily and glanced at his watch. “I gotta go,” he announced, rising from his chair. “Look, Connie. You’re a smart woman. You know that love is 90% faith. Kevin loves you and, if you love him, you have to have faith. No one promises that love is forever but if someone else came into either of your lives, would it matter what sex they were? The result would be the same. The fact is that no one is in Kevin’s like but you. He doesn’t want anyone else. He doesn’t need anyone else. He doesn’t give himself easily. I think you’ve figured that out, already. When he commits, he commits with everything he has. I don’t know why he didn’t talk about this with you but I can think of a few reasons. Maybe he felt that his history was just that – history. Maybe he thought it wouldn’t or shouldn’t affect what you two have together now and bringing it up would serve no purpose. Maybe he had pushed that part of his life so far away that it didn’t exist anymore. Maybe he was afraid he would lose you.” Brian hesitated before asking his final question. “Will he? Has he?” The answer he received was not what he wanted to hear, but it was honest. “I don’t know, Brian. I just don’t know…” Connie dropped her head into her arms and Brian left the way he had come – in the darkness and unsure of a positive outcome. The only thing he was sure of was that if it was hopeless for Connie, then a large part of Kevin would die. Small parts of his spirit had already begun to atrophy.
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