CHAPTER 105

“Hold the elevator!”

Connie had torn through the lobby like some red-haired tornado. Even now, she wasn’t sure exactly what had come over her. Until she had found herself mesmerized by the Southwest monitor at LaGuardia, she had been very low-key and withdrawn with occasional moments of agitation. Connie supposed that her previously staid demeanor had a lot to do with the fact that she had made a life-altering decision – or she thought she had.

The flight had been interminable and by the time that Connie had deplaned at LAX she felt like an over-inflated balloon, ready to explode with the slightest prick. Her apprehension level was high after avoiding contact with Kevin for a week. She was also somewhat fearful of his reaction to her arrival but found a small measure of relief when she discovered that the key-card to his suite was still being held for her at the front desk. Had he forgotten that he left it for me or was he hoping I’d still come?

Now she scurried back across the lobby to the elevator bank and through the separated walnut doors which were being held open for her…….by Brian, of all people. To his credit, he remained openly impassive upon seeing her, greeting her with only a slight nod, but Connie thought she saw him release a small sigh. Relief?

She stepped into the lift and turned to face the door, taking a position directly beside Kevin’s younger cousin. They didn’t speak to each other, but in her peripheral vision, Connie could see Leighanne’s mouth moving a mile a minute.

“Where in the world have you been?” Leighanne babbled. “I thought you were supposed to be here already and Brian said something must have come up that you couldn’t come! Where’s your luggage, anyway? Don’t you have a bag? It’s about time, Connie! Kevin’s been so damn weird, hasn’t he Brian? Even weirder than usual. No one seems to know what’s been going with him, have they, Honey?”

Connie glanced at Brian as Leighanne droned on but he continued to face forward, making no comment. It was clear that Brian hadn’t confided in Leighanne and Connie suspected that, had she and Brian been alone in the elevator, he wouldn’t be so reticent. Brian must be angry with her. Kevin must be in bad shape and her trepidation grew, although her purpose remained focused.

She glanced at the keypad as the elevator came to a stop on the sixth floor. Brian and Leighanne must have changed rooms; the eighth floor button was lit. Then, as Connie squared her shoulders, preparing to step out of the door, she felt a hand embrace her own with a gentle squeeze of encouragement. Brian…

*****

“Has Hannah called you back, yet?” AJ was walking back and forth in front of Nick, effectively messing up the blond’s attempt to score well in ‘Half Life’.

“Dammit, AJ! Get the hell outta the way! You’re screwing me up, here!” Nick’s head wove back and forth like a hypnotized cobra as he tried to watch the screen around AJ’s pacing, his fingers pounding at the controls. Finally, he threw them down in frustration. “Shit! You got me killed!”

AJ exhaled a long trail of white smoke directly above Nick’s head. “Well, did she?”

“Damn!” Nick coughed and sputtered, waving his hand in an attempt to dissipate the chemically laden fog. “You’re killin’ me with that shit…”

“Quit being so fucking dramatic, Nick! This ain’t a video shoot…” AJ dropped the burning butt into glass of half melted ice. “Did you talk to her anymore or not?”

“I already told you, asshole… Hannah said she would do some checking out there and let me know if she found anything but it might take some time. She’s going to Connie’s publishing house this week to check on an assignment and she’s gonna try to snoop a little while she’s there. You know – be subtle and all that..”

AJ rolled his eyes. “Yeah, right. Hannah’s a real subtle type, alright. Nobody will even notice her – a woman dressed in man’s clothes asking questions about a hot female red-head…”

“You’re full of shit, as usual,” Nick frowned. “The people there know Hannah and know that she’s a friend of Connie’s. If there’s a clue there, she’ll find it.” Nick stood up and walked over to his door.

“Where you going?” AJ asked as he lit another cigarette.

“You’re goin’, J! I can’t breathe in here! You’re gonna set off the smoke alarms!”

Nich threw open the door just in time to see Connie hurry past the portal. When he turned to look at AJ, he could see that AJ had seen her too and for a moment they stared at each other, speechless. Without a word, Nick closed the door.

AJ threw his newly lit smoke into the same glass which contained the water soaked butt he had discarded a few moments ago and eyed the clean, paper wrapped glass that rested beside it. He was halfway to the connecting door, the now unwrapped glass already pressed against his ear, when Nick intervened and placed himself between AJ and the threshold which would give them access to Kevin’s privacy.

“Absolutely not, J. I mean it….”

*****

The lights in Kevin’s room were turned off but Connie noticed that the bathroom light was on, it’s brightness cutting a path across one end of the space. A lit candle sat on a table near the bed, casting dancing shadows across the silhouette of Kevin’s naked body. He lay on his stomach, unmoving, with a pillow cradled under his left arm like a down-filled lover. Connie stepped out of her shoes and tip-toed around to the other side of the bed where she could see his face.

His lips moved slightly every few seconds and Connie suspected he was murmuring through a dream. She couldn’t read the movement of his mouth but his expression, punctuated by creases in his forehead and furrowing brows, indicated that his subconscious thoughts and visions were troubling, if not painful. As she watched, he shivered, drew his bare legs upward as if to protect himself, and then squeezed the pillow tightly, turning his face into its softness. Connie had never seen Kevin look more vulnerable. For a brief time, the machismo, the anger, the pride and the control were gone and what remained was his weakness, his fear and his need – his humanity. She doubted that few had ever seen Kevin this way and she doubted she would ever see him this way again, regardless of his reaction to her return.

Still watching, Connie pulled off her sweater and slipped her skirt down her legs. As she lowered herself onto a chair to take off her stockings, her eyes wandered the darkened room. The place was a mess. Clothing had been tossed over furniture, boxers and socks lay scattered across the floor. Used glassware, discarded papers and cans covered every flat surface and the lingering scent of liquor was confirmed by half a dozen empty bottles that dotted the scene. The suite hadn’t been cleaned in days. Connie walked carefully back to the other side of the bed, stumbling on a foreign object in her path and feeling a slight dampness under foot. Bending, she retrieved another bottle – this one still holding a few inches of liquid – and placed it on a nearby table. Kevin had drunk himself into oblivion. Connie had seen him drunk before but she’d never seen him drink until he passed out. Once again, her heart battled her brain. The guilt she felt bordered on shame yet she knew that neither of them had handled Kevin’s sexual revelation properly. Sometimes logic had to wait for emotions to clear.

Taking a breath, Connie crawled onto the mattress behind him, pulled up the lightweight blanket and gently spooned herself against Kevin’s back, her bare stomach and satin panties pressed against his buttocks. When she wrapped her arm around his shoulder, she felt his body stiffen. It was all she could do not to cry.

“I’m sorry….,” she whispered against his back. “I was so afraid..”

For a moment, Kevin wondered if he was dreaming. He didn’t want to open his eyes. If this was a dream, he didn’t want to end it but if this was real, he needed to soak in the reality of his lover’s return. He turned a little, took Connie’s hand from his shoulder, placed his fingers against her palm, his back still to her, and signed into her hand. ‘Hold me.’

His request was both simple and plaintive - her reply, tender and soothing. She turned him gently until they faced each other. Kevin’s eyes were still squeezed shut but the flickering candlelight revealed the tears clinging to his lashes. Connie wrapped her arm around him and pulled him close, using her free hand to push his hair away from his face.

“I love you…,” she said simply, stroking his dark locks.

His eyes opened and, despite Kevin’s depleted physical state, he tried to offer Connie a gentle smile – an expression filled with understanding but laced with some regret.

“Don’t be afraid,” he murmured. “I love you, too…”

No further discussion was necessary or warranted and as they drifted into a relieved sleep. Connie was barely aware that Kevin had moved her fingers to his throat as he lay against her breast.

Chapter 106

It was all he could do to open his eyes. The incessant ringing of the bedside phone was forcing him into a consciousness that he really didn’t want to deal with for three reasons. One – he didn’t want to talk to anyone. Two – he felt like shit. And three – he was alone. His bed was empty. Kevin wasn’t sure whether or not to bless tequila or curse it. He hated the way he felt right now but the sweetness of believing that Connie had returned to his bed during the night was worth the disappointment and physical misery he felt now and for a moment, he considered ordering another bottle. Such thoughts were interrupted by another series of blasts from the phone. The shrill rings made his head hurt.

“WHAT?”

Jeffrey held the phone away from his ear. He expected Kevin to be grumpy - after all, he’d been pretty much of a shithead all week – but he didn’t expect to be screamed at so early in the day.

“ Taping at eleven,” Jeffrey answered calmly. “Pick up at 10:30.”

“What the fuck time is it now?” Kevin growled into the receiver.

“8:30…” Jeffrey’s good intentions were rewarded with a slam in his ear. “You’re welcome, asshole…” he muttered into a dead line.

Kevin stared at himself in the bathroom mirror. He looked like hell. Even his simplest thoughts were muddled and, for a moment, he enjoyed his numbness. Warm water was rising in the tub. He needed a soak - hopefully the Jacuzzi jets would help his muscles loosen – but first, he had to make a monumentous decision. Should I soak first or shave? Even the easy questions had become nearly impossible. Shave…

He wiped the soap off of his face and stepped over to the tub to turn on the air jets. That’s when he became aware of the over-abundance of mirrors that decorated the walls. Funny, he didn’t notice that before. Everyplace Kevin looked, he saw himself. He was not impressed with what was reflected. He color was poor, his hair scraggly. Dark circles ringed his eyes. Kevin straightened his back and squared his shoulders, hoping to improve the countenance of the man staring back at him from the glass. His perusal continued downward, stopping when he reached his groin. He hadn’t had so much as an inkling of an erection for a week. Since Connie left…

“Hey, buddy… You awake?” Kevin grasped the base of his manhood and shook it slightly. “You haven’t died on me have you?” Nothing. He sighed, feeling a wave of sexual abandonment. “Yeah, buddy, I know. I miss her, too…”

As Kevin watched himself, a humorless smile began to play at his lips. I must be going crazy – I’m talking to my fucking dick. Ooops. Excuse me – I mean my ‘non-fucking’ dick… His thoughts began to wander to Connie once again. He was helpless to stop them even he wanted to. He didn’t really want to. As one vision morphed into another, Kevin was only barely aware that the fingers he had jostled himself with moments ago were now moving lightly down the length of his sensitive shaft. He was aware of his accelerated heartbeat and breathing and he could feel the pulsing rush of blood fill his stiffening his manhood. His buddy was alive after all…..

Kevin fixated on the image before him as his grip tightened. Images of Connie continued to strobe through his mind’s eye but his physical vision focused on his own body's response to his ministrations. Kevin couldn't remember having watched himself masturbate before. The skin covering his hardness was stretched tight . It was almost shiny. When his thumb brushed across the ridge that separated his shaft from his darkened glans, he shuddered, fighting to keep his eyes open, not only so that he could watch his body’s sexual response and pleasure but also so that he could see his own face when he came. It would be soon. His balls had tightened and he could feel his semen churning – pressing for escape.

He was pumping himself now. One hand cupped and fondled his testicles as the other tightened and moved furiously up and down his length, sliding on a cushion of lubricating pre-cum. He was coming….coming…

Kevin’s wasn’t able to witness his own release. His eyes squeezed closed involuntarily as a low, rumbling groan vibrated in his throat. The intense sensation in his loins had been hard and fast. There was no warmth, no lingering afterglow. It had felt good but it was less than what he had grown used to. When he opened his eyes, he discovered that his reflection had been disturbed by the evidence of his self-pleasure. Smears of his ejaculate, translucent and creamy, oozed down the mirror in small rivulets – his seed planted against cold, unforgiving glass instead of into the pliant, clutching heat of his lover.

He pulled several tissues out of a box that rested on the vanity and wiped the evidence of his climax from the mirror and from between his fingers. As Kevin climbed into the sunken bathtub, he tried to ignore the fact that his orgasm had failed to give him any real satisfaction. His soul still hungered and he realized two great truths: Pleasures unshared are shallow and brief and pleasures given can last a lifetime in our hearts.

*****

God, the water felt good….

One of the luxuries of success was the fact that they could afford to stay in suites that offered their guests sunken tubs deep enough for you to completely submerge your body – and Kevin took advantage of that. Drawing a deep breath, he closed his eyes and slipped his bottom forward until his shoulders slid downward and his head dipped below the surface of the moving water.. It was like being in a cocoon and if Kevin could have breathed under water, he might have remained there indefinitely. His breath-holding record, however was just under two minutes. Not bad….

He had buried himself for about a minute when he opened his eyes. He could see the water’s surface churning and bubbling through a blur of overhead light. Then the relatively blank canvas was interrupted with a sudden shock of copper. Deeply startled, Kevin burst through the water's surface, gasping for air and sputtering as he wiped the wetness from his face.

Connie’s eyes widened in alarm.“Are you alright? I knocked before I came in. I thought you heard me…”

Kevin gaped at her as if she were a ghost. “Connie?” he whispered, thoroughly confused and puzzled.

Connie’s anxiety grew at Kevin’s obvious astonishment. “What’s the matter with you? Are you sick or something?” She was almost shouting.

Kevin’s hand came out of the water and carefully touched her fingers, trying to decide whether or not he really had lost his mind.. The fact that she was not an apparition seemed to confuse him more. “Where did you come from?”

Connie swallowed apprehensively. < with wrong>“New York.”

“When?”

“Late last night. You were asleep. Don’t you remember?”

“I thought I dreamt that….”

“No. You weren’t dreaming…” Kevin didn’t reply. He was still staring. Connie felt a wave of fear. “Is it okay, Kevin? That I’m here?”

“You weren’t in bed when I woke up…”

“I – I went downtairs to order some breakfast and pick up a few things in the hotel boutique….”

“You left to order breakfast?” His tone sounded suspicious.

“I can’t call to order room service, Kevin. You know that. You were asleep and I didn’t want to wake you. I don’t have any clothes or anything with me and..”

“You really are here….”

Connie took a step back and blinked, trying to thwart the tears she could feel beginning to well in the corner of her eyes. “Do you want me to go? I’ll leave, Kevin. I know that I…”

“STOP!”

Connie jumped, stunned by his outburst and Kevin paused as a renewed strength wrapped itself around him.. After several silent seconds, he pushed himself out of the water and stood, naked, dripping and towering over her. His hands went to his hips and he continued.

“Why did you come back?”

“Don’t you know why? I told you why I came back last night.”

“I want to hear it again….”

Connie held his gaze with her own. “I came back because I love you.”

“Not because you felt bad or guilty or something?”

“No.”

He looked away for a minute as if trying to gather a bit of courage before going on. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you. I didn’t want you to find out the way you did. I wasn’t trying to be dishonest but…but…” Kevin paused to take another breath. “I don’t love easily and I guess I was afraid of losing you. I was afraid you’d walk out…”

“And I did…” Connie answered sadly. “I guess your fears were justified…”

“I’m sorry I hurt you…”

“And I’m sorry I hurt you, Kevin. I know it’s hard for you to trust people.”

His eyes darkened when he asked his final question. Although Connie could tell that he was trying desperately to be unemotional and nonchalant, his subtle body language gave him away. His arms crossed and his lips formed a tight smile.

“Are we gonna be okay?”

Kevin’s anal character would force him to analyze every nuance of her response. Connie knew this and weighed her words carefully. A simple ‘Sure…’ wouldn’t cut it for Kevin. Neither would ‘I think so.’. She had to meet his authority with presence and a sense of command. Stepping to him, Connie reached up and pushed a wet lock of his hair behind his ear.

“Kevin, my darling… I truly believe that we have risen way past ‘okay’, don’t you?” People often underestimate the effect of their words. Kevin seemed to change before her eyes. The tightness in his jaw and facial muscles relaxed and his brow magically unfurrowed. “Now you need to get out and dry off or get back in the water. You’ll catch cold….”

“I have to wash my hair…”

“Sit down then,” Connie ordered as she pushed the naked Backstreet Boy into the bubbling water. “I’ll wash it for you…”