CHAPTER 109

Yes. Yes, there she is…

There were numerous places behind the stage where performers could take a surreptitious peek at the audience and Kevin, as was his custom, was sneaking such a peek now. Usually, he used these few seconds to gauge audience size or enthusiasm but tonight, he was only interested in the few seats that had been reserved for guests of the group. He hadn’t seen Connie after her shopping excursion with Leighanne. In fact, according to Brian, packages had been delivered to the hotel so ‘the girls’ could come directly to the venue from Rodeo. While Kevin had no reason to believe that Connie wouldn’t be there, he felt the need for some reassurance. He seemed to need a lot of that lately…

As he watched, she sat, glancing back and forth, taking in the pre-show mayhem as she toyed with the backstage pass that hung around her neck. Pollyanna sat to her left, next to Leigh. She and Leigh were involved in some animated discussion. Kevin saw Pollyanna throw her head back and laugh as Leigh hid her giggles behind her hand. Jeffrey sat on Connie’s right, arms crossed, involved in a deep dialogue with someone next to him – probably a critic or agent. Kevin felt an unexpected wave of sadness as he stared at the group. Connie was literally alone in the crowd. Despite the fact that she sat in a sold out venue full of ten thousand people and was plunked right in the middle of a group of friends and acquaintances, she was by herself. She sat in her own quiet world, unaware of the jokes and conversations that danced past her, unbothered by nasty comments sometimes yelled out by petty and mean fans to ‘the girlfriends’, unmoved by the music that would soon be entering everyone’s ears but hers. Yet, she would watch the group intently, smile and clap and stand when those around her did.

Kevin wondered if these shows were ever boring for her. Sometimes sitting through the same performances night after night could be a chore, even if you could hear, but there was usually a little bit of variance in banter or interplay. Connie wouldn’t even be able to discern that. She was too far away to read their lips and there wasn’t any choreography that she could watch.

Connie did very well though and, except for the rather intensely emotional events that had affected them both, seemed confident, fulfilled and happy. Yet, how hard it must have been and probably continues to be for her. She went from a beautiful young woman, with a life full of friends, dates, dances and music to a life where doors to study, work and relationships were unexpectedly slammed shut; where pride threatened honesty; where music, laughter and whispers ceased to exist. Kevin couldn’t imagine. Even trying to imagine was unbearable.

*****

The concert had gone extremely well. The final ones usually did. Even if they had screwed up, it wouldn’t have mattered – not for the last show…

Now they had to party. Any other time, Kevin would have been all up for it but tonight his mind wandered to the canvas-covered notebook he had so carefully placed in the second bureau drawer, back at the hotel. Tonight he would propose marriage. The thought made Kevin giddy and weak-kneed at the same time. He would have been grinning from ear to ear if he hadn’t been so nervous. He wasn’t used to feeling nervous. He didn’t like it. It was hard to act cool when you felt semi-nauseated.

It suddenly occurred to Kevin that they hadn’t really discussed marriage. When Kevin bought the ring, it had just seemed like the natural thing to do. Natural and logical – the best of both worlds. Connie was funny, kind, smart, beautiful, accomplished, independent, supportive and sexy as hell. He was… He was…. A frown creased Kevin’s brow. Well, he loved her, dammit! He loved her and he wanted to take care of her and all that stuff.

God, he wished Howie would shut the fuck up. Just take your shower, already.. He was trying to think – to do battle with those little doubts that were trying to cloud his excitement. Thoughts of getting married posed no threat. Kevin wanted to get married. He was ready. He’d heard all the arguments. “Think of your career – fans like the fact that you’re single…”, “For shit’s sake, it’s just a piece of paper! Is that paper gonna make you love each other more?”, “You’re young yet. There’s plenty of time. How long have you two known each other? Not even a year…” It hadn’t been hard for him to quell the nay sayers. The facts were that if his career was based on the fantasy of others, he had nothing to lose anyway. The piece of paper did make a difference to him, old-fashioned as it may seem. Chronologically, he was young but so what? He wouldn’t feel differently in five years. Why wait?

No, the arguments weren’t the problem. In fact, Kevin had seen no problem until about ten minutes ago, when the unthinkable overtook his excitement and his confidence went on vacation. The question wasn’t about what he wanted. His sudden trepidation had to do with Connie. What if she didn’t want it? What if she said ‘No.’? What if she didn’t want to make that kind of commitment to him? A large lump formed in his throat as he asked himself a final question. Why in the hell would she?

“….so, Kev – whaddaya say? Want to check out that club?”

Christ. I tied her up..

“….fuckin’ starving to death!”

Didn’t tell her about Brandi…

“….that brunette sitting behind…”

Acted like an asshole when she dinged my truck…

“….think he can dance? Damn, he’s worse than you and that’s sayin’…”

Told her to quit her job…

“….purple, with eight cylinders…”

Yelled at her a thousand times…

“…don’t want a damn dog! I keep telling him that but…”

Wasn’t open about my sexual history…

“…heading for Toronto. Might even look for a condo or…”

I can’t even list everything I’ve done to her. Why the fuck is she still here?

“Kevin!”

Kevin’s head snapped up and he found himself the object of Howie’s glare.

“Wh-what? What’s the matter?”

Howie gave Kevin the once-over. Something wasn’t right.

“Nothing’s the matter with me. What’s wrong with you? I’m talking and you’re staring at the wall like it’s got a centerfold painted on it or something. And you’re white as a ghost! You sick or something?”

“N-no…,” Kevin blinked. “I’m fine.”

“Something wrong with Connie? She looked okay…”

“She’s fine Howie.”

“Well, something’s wrong…”

Kevin didn’t want to be quizzed and he knew that Howie wasn’t going to let up. He was as bad as AJ sometimes. He had to change the subject. Get Howie off his back before his nerves exploded. Escape sometimes calls for desperate measures and so Kevin veered onto a path that he hoped would shift Howie’s nosy focus.

“I was just thinkin’ about cuttin’ my hair. What do you think?”

It worked. Howie’s eyes almost popped out of his head. Finally, my follicle expertise is being recognized by ‘Mr. Authority’… Within seconds, he had pulled Kevin to a mirror where he began to explain the parameters for correct styling based on hair texture, face shape and overall body porportions.

Thank God, Kevin was saved by a knock on the dressing room door.

Connie.

*****

He had to hang around for a little while. People needed to be thanked and good-byes needed to be exchanged. Kevin hoped his case of nerves wasn’t too obvious and that the beer would settle him down. He found himself glancing around the room almost continually, looking for her. She was mingling on her own, preferring to let him express his sentiments to tour personnel privately, but after about forty minutes, Kevin could stand it no longer.

Once again, he perused the room and finally spotted her standing alone near the buffet table. He wasn’t surprised when her eyes turned to meet his, for he had willed it, but her winsome smile threw him for a loop. In a room full of people, noise, celebration and distraction, she saw only him. Her soft smile was doing for him what the beer had failed to accomplish. In that brief, unplanned moment across a crowded room, his doubts lifted. She loved him. She would accept his proposal. She would be his wife. She had to….

Kevin threw his half-empty cup into a nearby trash can and signaled her with a nod towards the door. Time to get the show on the road. Time to start a real life…

Chapter 110

Kevin seemed a little somber and quiet on the way back to the hotel. The darkness that permeated the rear seat of the car prevented him from speaking, but the silence was heavier than usual. Connie glanced towards him from time to time but he was preoccupied and appeared not to notice her attention. By the time the couple entered the hotel’s delivery entrance, she noted that Kevin also seemed pale as well as a tad jumpy. Even now that they were standing in a well-lit elevator, he didn’t speak.

“Are you okay?”, Connie asked, reaching up to touch his cheek. “You’re awfully quiet…”

Everything was ‘quiet’ to Connie but Kevin understood her meaning and turned to her, offering a tight-lipped smile.

“Fine. I’m fine…”

Hip lips might have read ‘fine’ but Connie wondered if he was trying to assure her or himself of his condition.

“You’re not sick, are you?”, she asked, tugging at his forearm, trying to maintain his attention as his gaze began to shift to the panel of floor buttons.

Kevin’s answer was short, unanimated and unembellished. “No, I’m not sick. I’m fine.”

Truth be told, Kevin was trying desperately to focus. He didn’t want to talk about mundane or inconsequential things. He didn’t want his proposal to be sloppy. Kevin wanted to be sharp and articulate, leaving no room for Connie to question or second guess the sincerity of his feelings and intentions.

“Oh, I bet I know,” Connie whispered as a realization had hit her. “It’s because of tonight, isn’t it? The tour is over and you’re feeling a little down.”

What? Kevin shot her a puzzled look through narrowed eyes which was returned with a sympathetic nod and a pat on his shoulder. He had to smile. She was so certain that his distraction was the result of an ending. She couldn’t guess that his engrossment was due to his anticipation of a beginning.

“No,” he chuckled as the elevator reached their floor. “I’m ready for a break.”

The door to their suite was only a few yards away when Kevin decided it might be a good idea to lay a small foundation from which he could segue to ‘The Question’. His anal temperament was beginning to simmer but he just didn’t feel like he could risk spontaneity on such a serious occasion. In Kevin’s heart, this was ‘the mother of all opening nights’ and he was feeling a little like a sixteen year old boy about to ask the head cheerleader if he could take her to the Senior Prom. He cleared his throat as he leaned forward so she could see his face and begin his unrehearsed prep work.

“How’s the writing class going, Con? You haven’t said much about it. You enjoyin’ it?”

Connie stumbled and then stared at him, open mouthed, causing Kevin to wonder if he had suddenly sprouted a second nose. She seemed a little confused by his question and Kevin found himself sighing with some annoyance. It wasn’t as if he had made some ‘off the wall’ query.

“What?”, he frowned as his eyebrows dipped in unison with the corners of his mouth. “What’d I say?”

Connie quickly composed herself but Kevin’s sudden interest in her academic career did catch her off guard. It wasn’t like him to feign interest just to be polite but, until now, he really hadn’t shown much interest in her writing class.

“N-nothing… I’m just surprised that you’re interested, that’s all.” Kevin’s frown deepened. “I mean, you never really asked me about it before. I figured you didn’t really care one way or the other…” The frown was now edging into a full blown scowl as Connie tried to backtrack. “I mean, you know, you’re awfully busy with other things. You know, important stuff and all…”

They had reached the door and stood staring at each other for a moment. Connie knew that her lack of a gracious reply to Kevin’s question had resulted in a sort of implied criticism but she couldn’t seem to fast-talk her foot out of her mouth. She expected him to fuss a little and accuse her of calling him selfish but, to her surprise, Kevin struggled to remain patient. He chewed on his tongue, drew a deep breath, exhaled slowly and then turned to her.

“You have the key card?”

The bed was covered with a colorful array of shopping bags that Connie immediately began to sort. Kevin’s eyes rolled. This was not the time for her to be cleaning house but Kevin didn’t want to be fighting with her purchases for mattress space, either.

“Do you want to see what I bought?”

No. I want you to find the notebook, open it, collapse from happiness, tell me you’ll love me forever while I fuck your brains out… “Not right now. Maybe tomorrow… Besides, I bought you - ”

His words suddenly stopped as his head jerked to the right. Kevin’s opening remarks were interrupted by a loud knock on the suite door.

“What is it?” Connie asked as she piled her bags beside the dresser. “Is someone at the door?”

“Yes,” Kevin growled. “Jesus fuckin’ Christ! Somebody’s at the goddamn door….” He made no move to answer.

“Aren’t you going to see who it is?”

“No! They’ll go away.”

“It might be something important…”

“Fuck ‘em…”

As Connie watched, Kevin threw his knapsack on the floor. A moment later, his eyes flew towards the door again. Apparently, the knocker wasn’t going to leave. Kevin’s previously pale cheeks were rapidly approaching a nice shade of coral as he mumbled curses under his breath and began to stomp towards the outer door, seemingly prepared to plant his large foot up the ass of whoever stood on the other side.

When the door swung open, AJ found himself taking a step backwards. Kevin’s ‘stink eye’ had reached new proportions. He was confused. Kevin and Connie had left just before he did and Kevin had seemed okay. A little quiet, maybe but not mad or anything….

“Uh…Hi Kev… What’s up, man?”

“Nothing, thanks to you,” Kevin hissed back.

“There’s plenty of time for that shit,” AJ countered. “There’s a party in Malibu – Tyler’s there, and I hear Sting is supposed to show up! We have an invite and I thought…”

AJ’s good intentions were rewarded by the slam of a door in his face. He stood calmly, staring at the brass numbers tacked to the wood, pulled out a cigarettes and lit it. Dayum. She must be good…. It wasn’t like Kevin to pass on a party where legends would be in attendance. AJ shrugged and scurried back towards the elevators. Howie’ll go…

The large bed was uncovered by the time Kevin returned. He sat on the edge of the mattress, leaning forward with his arms resting on his knees as Connie fished a new brush out of one of her bags.

“Who was it?” she asked, pulling the brush through her curls.

“Just AJ.”

“Oh.”

And then, after a brief pause,

“How ‘bout I see if I can get a bottle of champagne up here?”

Connie’s brushing slowed as she stared at Kevin’s reflection in the miror. Champagne? Now? Something was off. Kevin had been acting a little strange since the concert ended tonight. She knew that when she had returned, they would have to sort out their emotional mess but she thought that had been done. Maybe she was wrong. At last they were alone. There were no meetings or appointments. The tour was over. They were together again, yet Kevin had made no sexual overture towards her. She had thought (hoped?) that he would have ravished her by now but there he sat, looking up at her from the bed, asking her if she wanted something to drink. They hadn’t made love in over a week.

He hadn’t touched her in the car. He had barely spoken in the elevator. Then he had been all polite, asking about her class. Connie eyed him carefully. He was playing with his fingers now. His foot was tapping on the carpet. Then Connie had an epiphany: Maybe Kevin wanted her to ravish him…..

She couldn’t have been more wrong.