CHAPTER 117

Neither of them uttered a word on the drive back to the hotel. It wasn’t until Kevin opened Connie’s door in the parking lot that she could even look at him. She didn’t know what to say and not looking at him meant not communicating with him. She felt weak. She felt embarrassed. She felt like a failure.

She knew that tonight’s premier had meant more than the opening of a movie. It was a chance for Kevin to be seen and a way to keep The Backstreet Boys in the public eye, which was important after a tour ended. For Kevin personally, such events afforded him the opportunity to make business contacts and meet industry movers and shakers. The last thing he needed was a psycho date, much less a fiancée who was nuts. The last thing she wanted was for her disability to hurt him.

“Are you all right?”

The concern in his face was sincere but Connie was having trouble reconciling her emotions. He wanted her to feel safe and unafraid but neither of them wanted a fear of unexpected events to hold them prisoner. Like it or not, Kevin was a public figure. Connie nodded slightly and they began to walk to the hotel.

‘I’m sorry, Kevin….”

Now it was his turn to nod. “It’s not like you panicked on purpose, Connie.”

The silence between them gave Kevin a chance to plan what he would say to Connie about this and by the time they reached their room, he had decided to make a suggestion. He knew he would have to tread carefully.

“Connie, about what happened tonight…”

“I know,” she interrupted. “It was a bad time and a bad place. If I hadn’t been alone….”

“I can’t be with you all the time.”

Connie’s eyes sparked defensively. “I know that, Kevin. I’m not accusing you of anything. These were unusual circumstances.”

“My life is full of unusual circumstances,” Kevin sighed, flopping down on a nearby chair. “I think we need to try and do something about this…”

“We?” Connie echoed, studying him carefully, trying to detect any signs of impatience, or worse, disgust. “You mean ‘me’, don’t you?” she said coldly. “What do you think I should do, Kevin? Tell me, please. Pack a flashlight, maybe? Carry candles at all times?”

Now Kevin began to bristle. “There’s no need to be sarcastic, Connie. I’m just trying….” But she had turned away. Kevin jumped up from his chair and took her by the shoulders, turning her to face him. Still, he had to raise her chin in order to force her to meet his eyes. “Don’t do that when I’m trying to talk to you,” he ordered, barely controlling his temper. “Don’t you dismiss me like that! This isn’t just your problem…”

“And there we have it!” Connie snapped. “My deafness is such an inconvenience, isn’t it, Kevin?”

“Don’t pull that shit with me… ,” he shouted, unconsciously squeezing her shoulders to the point of pain. “Am I not suppose to care? Am I not suppose to react when I see you clawing at a door trying to escape, unable to breathe, scared to death?”

“I can’t help it!” Connnie cried. “You said so yourself! Don’t you think I want to be able to hear? You have no idea…”

“Cut the crap, baby. What I said was that you didn’t get scared on purpose. I didn’t say that you couldn’t help it.”

Her eyes widened in astonishment at his words. “W-what did you say to me?” she whispered.

Kevin released her and drew a deep breath, running his hands over the front of his face. He might as well say it as think it.

“You realize that they’re making all kinds of medical advancements in this area, don’t you?”

“I’m sure you’ll tell me all about it, Kevin. You’ve become quite the researcher. I’ve told you this before, but apparently, it bears repeating – I have a very good doctor. One of the best in the country. He knows how to get in touch with me if any new procedure…”

“Will you cut the self-righteous indignation please? I’m trying to talk to you!”

“You’re trying to change me!” Connie argued. “You can’t accept me the way I am! You want me to hear!”

“YES!” Kevin nodded with a degree of disbelief. “I want the woman I love to be able to hear again! I want her to be able to sing and enjoy music and laughter! I want her to stop being afraid! Are you going to bust my balls for that?”

“But that’s not possible right now!” Connie yelled. “It may never be possible!”

“That’s true,” Kevin nodded. “But that’s not really the point, is it?”

Connie stopped at stared at her lover. He was going somewhere with this but she didn’t know where. She wasn’t sure she wanted to know. She waited for his explanation.

“When our relationship began, your biggest concern was that you didn’t want anybody’s pity – especially mine…” Connie made no reply so he continued. “Now you blame these…these attacks on your deafness and argue that you ‘can’t help it’. I know that you can’t help the fact that you’re deaf but you may be able to help yourself with this fear of yours. Are you asking me to feel sorry for you because you’re deaf and afraid of the dark?”

“I’m not asking you for anything!” Connie spat.

“Yes you are. You’re asking for me to be understanding.”

“Is that too much?” Connie hissed between clenched teeth. “I thought you loved me…”

“I do love you,” Kevin answered calmly. I love you more than anything else in the world and I do understand. I would like for you to be able to hear and I admit that some of that is selfish on my part, but it doesn’t affect the way I feel about you. I think you know that…”

“I’m beginning to wonder…”

“Don’t wonder, Connie. Don’t ever wonder about that. The fact is that this fear of yours has nothing to do with being deaf, and you know it.” She started to walk away from him but Kevin stopped her retreat and turned her to face his words. “It has to do with Trevor. It has to do with what he did to you. This goes beyond an understandable and slight trepidation about the dark….”

Tears began to spill down Connie’s face. “You’ve figured all of this out, huh? This is in my head and not in my ears. And do you have a solution to this mental problem of mine?”

“I think you should see somebody – a doctor.”

“You mean a shrink? You want me to talk about …about Trevor with a stranger?”

“Yes.”

“And that will make you feel better?”

“Baby,” Kevin murmured, wiping away her tears, “ it’s you I want to feel better.”

The anger went out of her then, and a deep weariness set in. Connie was emotionally and physically exhausted. They talked about this for a few more minutes. Kevin would ask around about a psychiatrist and she would agree to meet with him - for a few sessions anyway.

He could see that she was tired and coaxed her into the bed, undressing her as if she were a child and covering her with a light blanket. Kevin kissed her tenderly on her mouth. She felt his tongue dance lightly across her lower lip but the kiss was not a sexually demanding one. It was an affirmation of deep affection and caring.

When he withdrew, she offered him a small, wistful smile and then closed her eyes. Kevin stood and walked over to the bathroom where he switched on the light, cracked the door and turned off the lamps before sitting down in a chair near the bed. There he sat at watched her until he was sure she was fast asleep. After several minutes, he rose again and grabbed his jacket. Maybe Howie was around. He really wanted a drink – or two.

Chapter 118

Kevin and Connie spent the remainder of the week trying to set up a new house. The residual effects of Connie’s panic attack created a slight awkwardness between them at first and they tried to tread lightly with each other. Issues had been forced to the surface of their relationship and while neither of them had enjoyed the process, they both came to accept that their conflict was the result of frustration and fear mixed with a large portion of love. Personal connection had been tested with an unexpected emotional labor pain that would, hopefully, give birth to a stronger bond.

Mornings were spent working. Kevin usually had meetings, either with lawyers, his business manager or friends and associates. He also tried to spend some time at the gym. Connie spent the mornings editing, answering mail, soothing clients and working on her class assignments. Sometime in the early afternoon, the two would meet and go shopping for furniture and other household items. It was during these excursions that Connie gained a full appreciation of just how much of a perfectionist Kevin actually was. The purchase of simple items, like bed linens, became a major endeavor that included deep discussions of fabric, finish, thread count, trim and color. When it came to the selection of major and more ‘permanent’ purchases, like furniture, Kevin was nothing short of a pain in the ass. Any commissions the salespeople earned on his purchases were well deserved.

By Friday, Connie had already made her first visit to a psychiatrist. She and Kevin had had no further discussion about this. On the previous Wednesday, she had found the business card of Doctor Carol Pressman lying on top of her laptop where Kevin had placed it before he had left for his round of morning appointments. He hadn’t forgotten as Connie had secretly hoped she would. She didn’t know where the recommendation came from and she didn’t ask. He had left no ‘instructions’ concerning this – just a well-placed card. The choice of whether to make an appointment or not would be hers.

Connie let out a deep sigh as she ran her fingers over the email address on the card. He made it clear about what he thought I should do – what he wanted me to do – yet he’s not going to force it. She imagined that it took a measure of control for him not to wave the card in front of her face and launch into some kind of speech. Suck it up, O’Rourke… He wanted her to do this for herself. She was going to do it for him. To be honest, she couldn’t think of a good reason not to meet the doctor, at least.

Lifting the lid of her laptop, Connie glanced at a list of ‘Things To Do Today’. Let’s take care of business first… Although her work took up most of the morning, she had still finished much sooner than expected. There was still plenty of time to email the doctor. No excuses. Avoidance behaviors weren’t going to work. Reluctantly, she typed a short note. With any luck at all, an appointment wouldn’t be available for several weeks. At any rate, she wasn’t planning to check her mail for at least another twenty-four hours. No news is good news… After she hit the ‘send’ button, she began to clear up her papers and collect a couple of print-outs. When she glanced at her screen again, preparing to shut the computer down, she found, to her dismay, that Dr. Pressman’s office had already replied. It seemed that they were told that she might call and had generously rearranged some scheduling conflicts so that she could be seen quickly, should she decide to come in. Dr. Pressman could see her on Friday morning.

Mr. Richardson had been busy….

*****

The week had been an extremely hectic one. Connie was used to living at a fairly fast pace but she had difficulty keeping up with Kevin. He promised that things would slow down in a few days and Connie could only hope that he was right. Between her own working deadlines and duties, trying to outfit a new house and accompanying Kevin to three industry related parties, she was exhausted. It was also difficult more for her in Los Angeles than in New York where offices and stores were often in the same neighborhood or even just a few blocks away. Much of her time was spent in transit trying to catch up with Kevin or meet with him when he had an hour to spare. Her business had to be conducted by email or in person. There were no quick phone calls and she couldn’t stare at her computer screen all day just in case someone tried to contact her. Despite the fact that phones were made for use by the deaf, the caller needed to have one as well. That was almost never the case and in LA, the cell phone was the preferred means of communication anyway. As a result, Connie sometimes missed opportunities and last minute schedule changes that would have afforded her the chance to meet someone for lunch or simple companionship. This hadn’t seemed to be as much of a problem in New York because there were fewer ‘surprises’. Her day-to-day routine had often been chaotic but it was usually predictable. That was no longer the case.

Her appointment with Dr. Pressman went smoothly. It was somewhat of an introductory meeting and Carol Pressman had been congenial and easy going. They talked about her accident and deafness, for the most part. Kevin had yet to mention anything about seeing the doctor and she had not mentioned her Friday appointment. He was obviously trying hard not to be ‘pushy’ and Connie appreciated his restraint, although when his name came up casually in her conversation with the doctor, she found herself becoming a little nervous. What if she asks about Kevin and me? What do I say? What shouldn’t I say? It could get personal. Real personal. Surely he wouldn’t want me to tell her everything. Especially not about his …. Well, not everything…

Fortunately, they didn’t get that far. Not this time, anyway. She wondered if Kevin had considered that possibility.

*****

They were both so tired. It was late Sunday night when they finally got back to the hotel. They had overslept that morning and had to rush to make a scheduled visit to a children’s hospital that was followed by a charity basket ball game that was followed by a fundraising barbecue sponsored by Greenpeace. It did not escape Kevin that Nick was a no-show but Connie wondered if his grumbling was due as much to his weariness as to his irritation with Nick.

Tomorrow night was Brian and Leighanne’s party. Tomorrow was also the day that mass deliveries would be made to the new house. Kevin had managed to coordinate furniture and other deliveries so that they would all be made throughout most of the day. He and Connie would drive separate rental cars to the house after they checked out of the hotel bight and early Monday morning. He would have to leave at noon for a lunch-time meeting with Jeffrey and the rest of the group before he accompanied Brian and Leighanne to the airport to meet Jackie. Connie would handle the remaining deliveries and shipping and then go on to Brian and Leighanne’s apartment and meet him there for the party. It would be another long day.

*****

“No, no! Over there…!”

Connie was certain that Kevin would have a heart attack before he had to leave. One pair of deliverymen had already been sent back to the store when the sofa they delivered was covered in magenta velour instead of the fawn-colored leather he had selected.

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ! Watch the light fixture, will ‘ya?”

Connie sighed and leaned against the kitchen counter. They had been at it since seven AM when she followed Kevin into Malibu. She had almost rear-ended him when he had suddenly made a sharp right into Ralph’s – for cleaning supplies, no less. Although the realtor had helped with arrangements to have the house painted and detailed last week, Kevin felt the need to be prepared in case the professional cleaning failed to live up to his expectations. Connie had almost forgotten what a pain in the ass he could be about dust and smudges. She checked her watch. The sooner he got out of here, the better. It was closing in on 11:45.

She found him in a guest room alternately pointing to the left, holding up his hands in a signal to stop and then pointing in the opposite direction. This sequence repeated itself several times as she watched the deliverymen roll their eyes at each other before bending to lift the sleigh bed and move it a few inches to the left or right, depending on which direction Kevin was pointing.

“Kevin, it’s getting late. You’d better get going…”

Kevin jerked his head in her direction, his study of furniture placement interrupted by the sound of her voice. He glanced quickly at his watch and then back to the bed, where his eyes narrowed a bit and he began to absently rub his goatee.

“Do you think this is alright?” he asked, not looking at her.

She waited until he noticed that she wasn’t answering and turned his head. She had seen his mouth move and knew he was talking. She even surmised that he might have been speaking to her but he face was angled away from her and his fingers passed over the edge of his mouth as he stoked his beard. Finally, he turned.

“Well?” he frowned as his brows furrowed impatiently.

“Well, what?” Connie frowned back.

“Is it okay or do you think we should move it over just a bit?”

Having already watched Kevin agonize over mere inches, she decided to tease a little.

“Oh, I don’t know,” she said with mock seriousness, shaking her head. “I kinda like the space by the window, on the other wall. In fact, I thought this bed would go in the bedroom across the hall…”

He looked as if he’d been shot. “You’re not serious!” he scolded. “That other room is too small for this bed and that window wall doesn’t have enough room for the bed AND the end tables!” His hands rose to his hips and his legs parted slightly.

“Kevin, darlin’ – I’m teasing you! The bed is fine where it is. It’s perfect! Now get going. You’re late!” Connie noted a definite look of relief pass over the deliverymen’s faces.

“You sure?”

“I’m sure.”

“You gonna be able to make it up sometime this afternoon? With the 310-count pima cotton pale blue sheets?”

“Are we expecting company?” Now Connie’s eyes narrowed a bit as her arms folded across her chest. “It’s not like I don’t have a thousand other things to do today.”

“I’d just like to see it made up, that’s all.”

“Okay. I’ll try.”

“Don’t forget about the leather sofa.”

“I won’t.”

“And you need to get some food in here.”

“I will.”

“And other stuff – you know, toothpaste and shit, and paper towels…”

“You got those at Ralph’s this morning.”

“Oh yeah. I forgot. And make sure you have all the girly stuff you need. It’s better if you get that by yourself.”

“Girly stuff?” Connie’s eyebrows rose.

“Yeah. You know…” Kevin leaned in close, as if telling a secret. “That ‘blue box’ shit and all.”

Now Connie’s eyes rolled. “Of course. The ‘blue box’ shit…. You’re very considerate Kevin. I would have never thought of that. To think I might have forgotten after thirteen years – 156 months – of buying ‘blue boxes’. Thank you so much for thinking of me. How would I manage the ‘girly stuff’ without you?”

Her sarcasm flew right past him. “You’re welcome baby. Now one more thing…” Kevin reached in his pocket and pulled out a key. “This is the key to Brian’s apartment. Leighanne asked if you would get over there about five. She’s already got most of the food ready and DeeDee has brought some stuff but the florist can’t deliver until five and she won’t be there.”

“Why not?” Connie growled. “It’s not like I don’t have a full plate already!”

“I know, baby,” Kevin nodded sympathetically. “But she wants things to be right for Jackie and all and she has a hair appointment or something. Brian said something about her starting to look like a skunk and she got pissed and..”

“Give me the damn key!” Connie hissed, grabbing the key our of Kevin’s hand.

“Thanks, baby. I knew you’d do it.” He handed her a folded sheet of paper. “Here’s directions to the apartment. Leighanne said to make yourself to home, get something to eat or whatever. We’ll all be there as soon as we can.” Kevin peeked at his watch once more. “Gotta run…”

When Connie looked up again, she could only see his shoulders as they disappeared down the stairway. Then with a frustrated sigh, she stuffed the key and instructions into the pocket of her jeans. Leigh will probably have a black uniform and white apron waiting for me…”