CHAPTER 121

Connie stared at the small woman crouched on the floor beside her. She didn’t understand. If Kevin was her son then that meant that…..

“No you’re not…..” Connie frowned.

“Yes, dear. I am…”

Confusion reigned. “But I thought it was Brian’s mom’s birthday.”

“It is. She’s right over there..”

Ann pointed to the gathering, which stood behind the kitchen counter and Connie slowly looked into their faces, one by one. Nick was biting his bottom lip and appeared to be rocking on his heels. Howie seemed a little uneasy. Connie saw his lips form the words ‘Hi, Connie’, to which she wriggled her sticky fingers in response. Brian’s mouth was hanging open. His nostrils flared a little bit. There was a man there, standing next to Brian, whom she didn’t know but presumed it was Brian’s father, Harold. She glanced quickly at Ann and back to the man. There was some resemblance. He was looking everyplace but at her like he didn’t really know what to do. There was a tiny woman standing next to Harold. Must be Aunt Jackie… Her expression was a little different from the others. Her arms were crossed but she didn’t look angry. She was smirking and looked almost….triumphant? At the end of the line-up stood Leighanne. Now here was one upset broad. Her hands were on the counter-top and formed into tight fists. Connie thought that Leighanne looked like she had a very bad and painful case of gas.

Her eyes traveled to AJ and DeeDee. AJ looked a little sick and DeeDee looked very sympathetic. She tried to avoid looking into Kevin’s face for as long as she could but his anger had produced what she could only describe as some sort of electro-magnetic force field that demanded acknowledgement. Connie swallowed with some difficulty, suddenly realizing that she was the only one in the room who was splayed out on the floor. She couldn’t remember how she got there.

“Kevin… Your mother is here, darlin’!”

Kevin’s eyes blazed. “Really Connie?” he said with extreme sarcasm. “Why, what a surprise! I had no idea! Gee – I wonder how she got here?”

Kevin’s dramatic sarcasm was wasted on his confused fiancee. Connie turned to Ann with a look of sincere concern.

“I’m glad you found Brian’s apartment, Mrs. Richardson. How did you get here?”

“FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!” Kevin screamed, jerking Connie’s arm. “Goddamn it, Connie! I picked her up at the goddamn airport! How do you think she got here? I was being sarcastic for Christ’s…”

Kevin’s verbal assault was stopped by a surprising blow from the rear as Ann’s palm made contact with his skull with an unexpected and powerful whack to the back of his head. Kevin hadn’t felt the ‘Richardson Head Slap’ in many years but it was obvious that his mother hadn’t lost her touch.

“Mamaaaaaaa!” he protested, rubbing his head. “What’d you do that for?”

Kevin’s eyes looked like saucers. His shock was so great that he hadn’t heard the collective gasp from the onlookers. Even Connie’s hand had flown to her mouth in disbelief.

“You were not raised in a barn, son, and I will not stand for you bellowing at this girl when, clearly, her…her..condition… was not a deliberate attempt to embarrass you.” Ann’s arms crossed as her eyes narrowed. “And I will NOT have you taking the Lord’s name in vain just because circumstances are beyond your omnipotent control… You show some respect, boy! NOW!”

Kevin’s face was approaching the color of merlot, but he knew when to back off. The whole scene was about to kill AJ, who knew that if he dared utter even one small chuckle, he would be dead. Leave it to Nick to be the one to break the silence. He was quite impressed.

“Gee, Mrs. Richardson – How ‘bout you come along on the next tour?”

He was only half kidding.

Meanwhile, the original star of the show – Miss Constance O’ Rourke – was looking a little green at the gills. Trying to make sense of the mother-son standoff and her general bewilderment of the situation had made her a little dizzy. It never occurred to her that her malfunctioning equilibrium might be due to the ingestion of seven – or more- ‘Jello Jigglers’. DeeDee, in a desperate attempt to ‘normalize’ the evening, took it upon herself to move the party along.

“Well, folks,” she chirped , “Connie here got some snacks all ready for us. Wasn’t that nice?”

No response…

“I said, ‘Wasn’t that nice’?” she repeated with a frown.

This time, the six heads beyond the counter top nodded. Satisfied, she turned to open the oven door and bent to retrieve a baking sheet full of miniature quiches and crab puffs. While DeeDee helped to prepare the hors d’oeuvres, Kevin helped his mother up and then leaned down to grab Connie’s upper arm and pull her to her feet. For a moment, Connie wondered if all the Jello she had eaten had settled in her legs. They felt rubbery and incapable of supporting her weight. Ten minutes ago, Connie felt like the life of the party. Now, she suddenly felt like shit. She wished Kevin had left her on the floor.

“Are you alright, Connie? Are you gonna pass out or something?”

Kevin’s tone was more accusatory than sympathetic but it didn’t really matter. Connie neither heard nor saw him form the questions.

“I bet she hasn’t eaten all day,” DeeDee chimed in. “She needs something in her stomach.”

Connie wasn’t aware of that comment, either. She closed her eyes and clung to the counter in an attempt to steady herself. When she opened them, DeeDee’s good intentions sent her over the edge. A manicured hand floated in front of her nose and wedged between Dee’s plum-colored talons was a cracker loaded with a hefty scoop of cream cheese and topped with a smear of green pepper jelly. Adding to her distress was the smell of Swiss cheese, cooked eggs and crab meat. When she tried to look away, her eyes focused on the large and heavily decorated birthday cake, covered with a thick layer of butter cream frosting, much of it formed into large, sickening blue roses. Connie’s stomach twisted as her mouth began to water.

“I think I’m gonna be sick…”

The reaction to her comment was both swift and task-oriented. Kevin’s arm flew around her shoulders and she felt herself being dragged out of the kitchen. A pathway to the hall bathroom immediately cleared as party guests two-stepped and spun out of the way. Fatima herself couldn’t have choreographed a more creative and effective ‘escape’ formation. The next thing Connie knew, she was on her knees, bowing before the porcelain god as Kevin held her hair away from her face. Thoughts of the birthday party, the guests and Kevin’s mother seemed miles away at the moment. The only thought in Connie’s mind at that moment was that she really didn’t want Kevin to see her puke.

Whoops. Too late. How romantic….

Chapter 122

Connie tried with all her might to ignore the pressure building in her bladder. She didn’t know how long she had floated in the twilight that separated sleep from wakefulness but instinct told her that it was a good place to be and she didn’t want to leave. She felt like hell – dirty and weak and sore. Her tongue felt swollen and her mouth tasted like mildew smelled. But she had to go….

After a small battle with the sheets that had tangled around her legs, she stood, closed her eyes and tried to get her bearings. After a moment, she braved sight and, with difficulty, squinted only enough to see where she was going. The first thing she saw was her reflection. Damn Kevin and his mirrors! It wasn’t a pretty sight. Her hair was stringy and her skin almost looked jaundiced next to the pink lace panties and matching bra. Swollen and circled eyes added to the overall effect. She looked and felt like death warmed over. So much for their first night together in the new house….

Connie sat on the cold porcelain, elbows on her knees, chin in her hands and panties at her feet as she tried to piece together the events of the night before. Brian’s apartment…. Jigglers…. Birthday….. Floor…. Pissed off Kevin…. People…. Sick… Ann…. Oh my God…. She tried to convince herself that she must have dreamed some of this. If only she could sneak down the stairs for a look or peek into one of the guest rooms…. But I can’t because I’m never gonna stop pissing! The bladder was an amazing organ and Connie was sure she would be ten pounds lighter if she lived long enough to get off the toilet.

Finally, she was able to flush. She kicked her panties across the floor, unfastened her bra, and reached into the shower to turn on the water. But as the water began to flow, Connie wrapped herself in a towel and tip-toed across the hallway. Cracking a guestroom door, she was dismayed to find that the bed … the bed that Kevin had made a point of reminding me to make… had been slept in. Then the thought occurred to her – a thought that was colored with both shame and hope – that maybe Kevin had slept in the guest room. She looked to her left. A suitcase lay open on the chair. It contained women’s clothes. Shit…

Connie felt much better after a long shower, physically, at least. She still dreaded the inevitable. She would not only have to face Kevin but his mother as well. Where were they? If only she could hear their voices…

She piled damp curls on top of her head and slipped on a loose cotton dress that fell between her knees and ankles. Her face was free of make-up except for a touch of foundation she put under her eyes to camouflage the circles and a swipe of gloss on her lips. She was going for the pure and innocent look, hoping that the appearance of a fresh-faced ‘girl-next-door type’ would erase any memories of the drunk skank, ass-dancing on the kitchen floor. Connie took a breath and looked out at the ocean summoning up a bit of courage. That’s when she spotted them.

On the deck below, Kevin and his mother sat at the wrought-iron patio table he had just purchased last week. They didn’t sit across from each other at the round table but, rather, beside each other at an angle that afforded Connie a view of their faces. Her eyes fell to the cushion on the window seat. Yes, they were still there – the binoculars that Kevin had bought for beach and ocean gazing. Connie chewed on her bottom lip. She probably shouldn’t do this but she needed to know what she would be walking in to. It was low. It was sneaky. It was essentially eavesdropping. She shouldn’t do it.

But she did.

“…..how it is, dear. Your Aunt Jackie is pretty up tight about things. I guess you could say she was anal. You must have taken that after her…”

“Puleeze, Ma…. I saw her giving you shit in the corner. I know that the whole…scene… last night upset her but why was she jumpin’ on you? You had nothing to do with that.”

Connie groaned inwardly. It appeared that her ’condition’ last night had caused ripples through the extended family. Great…

“I know that Kevin and so does she. Jackie can be very judgemental and somewhat of a b – I mean, complainer.”

“You were going to say ‘bitch’.

“Look, son. There's just always been this competitive thing between her and me. Your uncle doted on his little sister and I think she resented it when his attention went to me. Resentment becomes habit sometimes. Sometimes it becomes a contest. She was always comparing her boys to you and your brothers. She still does, only now the comparing also includes the women in your lives.”

“She compares Connie to Leigh?”

“Oh yes! First she has to deal with the fact that her baby has another lady in his life. Then she has to deal with the fact that the lady in his life – well, just doesn’t ‘look’ much like a lady. I’m sorry to sound so mean.”

Connie could see Kevin trying to suppress a smile. He pushed his mother a notch farther.

“You mean because she dyes her hair and stuff?”

Ann rolled her eyes. “Son, there’s a difference between dying your hair and sticking your head in a bottle of Clorox. Most people that color their hair try to go for a natural look. There has never been and never will be a human being on the face of God’s green earth who has hair that is naturally the color of vanilla ice cream. No lighter hairs, no darker hairs. Every hair the same color. Looks like a wig.”

“Oh.. Well, I guess some guys like that,” Kevin chuckled.

“They always have,” Ann snorted. “White hair, huge - you know… Leighanne’s got it all, plus she can wrap her legs behind her head.”

Kevin choked on his coffee.

“Don’t be so shocked, dear. I saw the pictures. In fact,” she grinned, “I had the pleasure of showing them to your Aunt Jackie…”

“Ma – why did you do that? That doesn’t sound like you..”

“I couldn’t help it,” Ann frowned. “She had a ball cutting out articles about all your ‘adventures’ – especially the ones about you and that ‘Brandi’ person. Leighanne might be a very nice girl but let’s face it, honey. She looks cheap – and Jackie knows it.

“Believe me, Mama – Leighanne is anything but cheap. In fact, I would say she’s pretty damned expensive. High maintenance…”

“I’m sure. The bottom line is that Jackie might have acted all shocked about Connie being drunk last night but, believe me, she wasn’t all that upset. I think she was sort of glad. She had read about Connie and her career – saw how pretty she was. You know – classy. I think she felt like Leighanne suffered a bit in comparison, so the competitive thing was an issue again. She can make out like Brian is the winner in the ‘girlfriend contest’ because Connie – well – wasn’t herself…”

“That’s an understatement,” Kevin spat. “I’m just sorry you had to see that – along with half of Los Angeles.”

Connie lowered the glasses. It seemed life the events of last night were a little more complicated than she had realized. Not only had she embarrassed Kevin, but she had inadvertently raised the stakes in some kind of sister-in-law pissing contest.

Sighing, she decided it was time to face the music. Kevin probably wouldn’t yell in front of his mother. She seemed to remember that Ann had fussed with him last night, but maybe she dreamed that. Connie glanced at the clock beside the bed. It was already eleven o'clock. Good thing she got some groceries into the house.

*****

Kevin saw her first as she stood near the French doors. Ann was munching on a bagel when he looked up. His face remained expressionless and after a moment his eyes fell back to the Daily Variety he was reading, without so much as a nod or a comment.

Oh good. He’s not speaking. This should be fun – like it’s not awkward enough… Connie struggled to put a smile on her face.

“I see you found something to eat…”

Kevin didn’t even look up, but Ann spun around in her seat and threw her napkin on the table.

“Connie, dear! Are you all right? Come here and sit beside me. We kind of met last night – do you remember?”

Connie’s cheeks turned a little pink. Despite the fact that Kevin was making a dramatic point of ignoring her, she saw him glance at her over the top of his paper.

“Yes,” Connie nodded. “I remember some things. I remember you trying to help me. I didn’t know who you were. I’m so sorry.”

“Do you remember puking your guts out?” Kevin hissed from behind the paper.

Ann didn’t like her son’s tone. “Kevin Scott, that’s enough! I mean it. Let it go!”

Connie became flustered. Connie hadn't seen what Kevin said but it was enough to get a reaction out of Ann. The last thing she wanted or needed was to cause a riff between Kevin and his mother.

“I understand why he’s upset, Mrs. Richardson. I’m sure he was embarrassed and…”

“Embarrassment won’t kill him!” Ann interrupted. “Besides, we all know that what happened was an accident. Seems to me that my son should clean out his own clock before he cleans everyone else’s! I’ve seen pictures. It’s not like he hasn’t had a few too many before and he knew exactly what he was doing.” Ann fixed her glare on her six foot baby. “I’ve been a little embarrassed once or twice myself…”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Kevin snapped.

“That means you hootchie-dancin’ in South America, Kevin. That means a fan club video of you with a knife, tryin’ to cut Alex’s birthday cake and bein’ so drunk, I thought you might lose a finger. That means black fingernail polish. That means pictures of you in Rolling Stone Magazine with naked women. That means skirts, Kevin…. Shall I go on?”

“Please do!” Connie smiled.

Ann shook her head in frustration as she spoke to Connie as if they were alone. “I swear, I thought it was Brian’s job to be holier than thou. I feel sorry for you, dear….”

Kevin’s brows dipped. “Hey! Yoo hoo! I’m right here!”

Ann ignored him. “If it makes you feel any better, I got myself in hot water with Jerald’s mother once. We had been to an outdoor concert in Louisville. I can’t even remember who we went to see. Might have been Brenda Lee. Anyway, Jerald had gotten his brother to get some wine for us to drink at the concert. I got completely smashed and was still reeling when he brought me back to his house. I still hear about it from MeeMaw. To this day I can’t even look at a bottle of Boone’s Farm without gagging…”

Kevin’s eyes had widened considerably but he managed to bite his tongue.

“Now,” Ann continued. “You probably need something in your stomach…”

“Which reminds me,” Kevin whined, feeling left out of the loop. “I wanted you to pick up some bottled water at the store and you didn’t. I don’t have any.”

Although Kevin was expecting a ‘Sorry, darlin’’ from Connie, he received instead a series of puzzling remarks from his mother.

“Kevin, dear…. Are your legs broken?”

“What? No!”

“You do have a driver’s license, don’t you?”

“Yes, mother. Why do you…”

“Oh – I get it. You don’t have any money…”

“I have money!” Kevin snorted.

“Oh yes – of course. I almost forgot you were a big Backstreet music star! Well, then, why don’t you get up off your tight little backside, get in your expensive car and go buy your own damn organic water?” She turned back to Connie. "You know, I remeber when tap water did the trick just fine..." Kevin threw his paper down and marched towards the house. “Good boy!” Ann shouted after him. “And while you’re up, why don’t you get Connie a little something to eat?”

Kevin froze and turned back to the two women in his life. He was outnumbered here and he knew it but he had to get in one last crack.

“Sure,” he agreed. “What would you like, Connie? How about I mix up some J-E-L-L-OOOOOH!”