CHAPTER 137

Days passed and still there was no word from Connie. Studio time was cancelled and a mini-hiatus went into effect. Jeffrey was not happy and was forced to milk Nick’s injury for press space. Howie, AJ and Brian also threw the public a few bones from time to time but Kevin was conspicuously absent. Break up rumors filled message boards and lists. Jeffrey’s discontent paled in comparison to JIVE’s. The label soon began to make ‘suggestions’ which evolved into threats of lawsuits and contract cancellation. All of this followed ‘Kevin’s Episode’, as it came to be called

Kevin had all but gone into hiding. When he left the hospital, he went directly home and began what turned out to be a three-day bender. He had definitely crashed but had not burned. Not yet, anyway. The group had decided it was best to let Kevin be and work through this on his own. The group should have consulted Ann Richardson….

“Brian! Why isn’t Kevin answering his phone?”

Brian had to pull the phone from his ear. He had barely gotten out a ‘hello’ before his aunt had started screaming at him from Lexington.

“BRIAN! Are you there? Where is my son?”

Brian’s mind began to race. How much did Ann know? How much should he tell her?

“Uh…Hi, Aunt Ann…”

“Don’t you ‘Hi’ me, Brian Littrell! What’s wrong there? Kevin doesn’t answer his phone or his email and Connie’s mail is blocked or broken or something!”

“Uh… well…. Gee, Aunt Ann… I’m not sure…”

“What do you mean you’re not sure. I’m talking to you in Los Angeles, aren’t I? I got your number from your mother! Kevin’s in California, isn’t he? Are you telling me that you haven’t heard from him or haven’t tried to call him?”

Brian could feel himself begin to sweat. “Well…uh….I think Connie and Kevin have had a little squabble….and we thought it might be better to let Kevin have some space for a while…”

“A little squabble?” Ann snorted. “Look Brian, I’m not a complete idiot. Either they’ve run off and gotten married or they’ve had a major blow-out! Are you going to tell me that my son – my baby – has run off and gotten married and not bothered to tell his mother?”

Geeez… “No, I’m not saying that at all….”

“Then there’s trouble. Big trouble. And no one has seen or talked to my son! He’s your cousin, for God’s sake! Can you tell me that he’s alright?”

“Uh…”

“What the hell happened?”

“Uh….I don’t think we should talk about this over the phone, Aunt Ann. You know…people can overhear…”

“LIKE I GIVE A SHIT, BRIAN!”

Brian dropped his hand and stared at his cell as if it was possessed. He had always thought that Uncle Jerald was the bad ass in that family. Now he was beginning to wonder… After a few seconds, he could hear Ann screaming for him again and put the phone back to his ear.

“Uh… sorry. Dropped the phone,” he lied.

“Where are you?” Ann snapped.

“A few hours n-north of LA,” Brian stammered. “Leigh and I were just…”

“Leighanne’s with you?”

“Yes ma’am…”

“Well, Brian…this is what you’re going to do…”

Brian glanced over at Leigh, swallowing nervously. “Yes ma’am?”

“You’re gonna turn around and go back to Los Angeles. You’re going to drop Leighanne’s ass off at your apartment and then you’re going to come to LAX and pick me up. Just you, Brian. I’ll be there in four and a half hours. I’ve already got my reservation.”

“But…”

“Don’t ‘but’ me, boy. Will that be enough time?”

“Yes ma’am, but…”

“What did I just tell you, Brian? Now, before you pick me up, you go ahead and confer with the other boys if you have to. Just make sure you have your story straight when you come to get me, ‘cause I want to know what’s going on before I see Kevvy. Do you understand?”

“Yes, ma’am… Uh…I think the connection’s gone bad, Aunt Ann. You’re breakin’ up…”

“Then you’d better find a real phone, Brian. I’m not done with you yet…”

“Really, Aunt Ann. I’ll be there…”

“You’d better be.”

Click.

*****

Dear Lord, could things be more screwed up than they are right now? Brian rubbed his right temple, trying to ward off a headache. He had raced back down the Pacific Coast Highway towards LA. Leighanne had been pissed to the nth degree. When he dropped her at the apartment, offering little in the way of explanation, she had thrown a major tantrum, insisting on being included in this family crisis. Brian had told her next to nothing, which hadn’t been a problem, since she seemed unaware of either Connie’s or Kevin’s absence. Between the apartment and the airport, he had tried to contact Nick, AJ and Howie, who had gotten the story late but was now up to date. The entire group had been affected by all of this and they had tried to toss a little blame on each other – all except Kevin, who managed to take on the entire burden for himself. They didn’t feel responsible for Connie leaving…exactly. Brian had jumped on Nick and AJ for eavesdropping. He had also jumped on himself for not checking on Connie after Nick’s fall. He had seen her face and what Kevin’s words had done to her and wondered if he could have kept her from leaving. He’d done it before. Nick was angry at Kevin for what he had said but also guilty, still feeling that if he hadn’t been so clumsy, none of this would have happened. His anger at Kevin was also mixed with an equal amount of sympathy and loyalty. Nick really didn’t know whether to shit or go blind. It was probably good that Jane took took him back to Florida. AJ was pissed because Brian had jumped on him, feeling that they should have known what was going on with Kevin all along. Howie was playing the martyr, whining because he had been left out of the loop by everybody. It was a mess but the bottom line was that the epicenter of the crisis was Connie and Kevin. It was none of their business, yet it was their business – personally and professionally.

Ann was standing under the ‘Arrivals’ sign when Brian pulled up. She didn’t wait for him to open her door but yanked it open herself, threw her bag in the back, climbed in and fastened her seat belt.

“I tried to call Kevin after I talked to you,” he confessed as he pulled into airport traffic.

“Wanted to warn him?” Ann frowned.

“N-No, ma’am… That’s not why…” Brian paused, shrugging his shoulders. “There was no answer…”

“Really, Brian?” Ann asked with biting sarcasm. “Why the hell do you think I’m here?”

Brian stared at the little spitfire sitting beside him. His aunt seemed to be blaming him for Kevin’s lack of consideration and he began to feel some resentment. It’s not like he didn’t care.

“Look, Ann…” Ann Richardson’s brows shot up at Brian’s familiar address, obviously noting that he left out ‘Aunt’. It was uncanny. Brian had seen that look a thousand times before on her son’s face. He came to a quick conclusion that Kevin was more ‘Littrell’ than he had realized. “….I don’t know why you’re so mad at me. I know you’re worried about not being able to reach Kevin, but..”

“Brian,” Ann sighed wearily, “do you want me to be a bitch or break down and cry?”

“I don’t want either one, Aunt Ann…”

“Then tell me what’s going on…..and fasten your seat belt.”

*****

By the time Ann and her nephew reached Malibu, Brian had told her all that he knew. She had asked a few questions but, for the most part, just stared straight ahead through the windshield, nodding every once in a while.

“Well, looks like his car is here,” Brian pointed as he helped Ann with her bags.

They knocked several times but no one came to the door. Brian started lifting flower pots.

“ I know he’s got a key around here somewhere. I think Nick said…”

“Here,” Ann cut in, pushing a brass key towards Brian. “Kevin sent me one.”

Brian inserted the key into the lock and pushed the door open. The house smelled stale and slightly sour. Upon further inspection, the pair saw sand tracked across carpet and dirty glasses strewn across several tables along with bottles labeled with the names of various liquors. There was no evidence of anything substantial, like food. Everything was quiet. Almost too quiet.

And then they found him. Sitting on the floor spread eagle and leaning against the cold surface of a stainless steel refrigerator, lay Ann Richardson’s son – buck naked and passed out.

Chapter 138

Connie wasn’t sure how she ended up in Dubois but she liked it. It was completely foreign to her and unlike anyplace she had ever lived, or even visited, before. It was the perfect place to begin a new life or, as some might say, hide. This was a true western town, with a saloon and wooden sidewalks and horses People were friendly, but not nosey – at least not to your face. Hannah’s emails had started off with a tone of motherly sympathy and support but she soon grew impatient with Connie’s desire to keep her location a secret. Her tolerance grew weaker when Connie refused to give Hannah Kevin’s cell number.

Hannah, for her part, was worried about her friend. Connie had shown no interest in Hannah’s opinions or news. Even when she told Connie about Stephen’s resignation, which by now had spread all over New York literary circles, Connie barely had a word to say about it. It was as if she had not only cut herself away from Kevin but from the life she had ‘pre-Richardson’. The only thing that seemed to pique her interest was the fact that a buyer had been found for her flat, the price of which included the furnishings. Hannah thought that Connie might plan to stay underground for some time. She had expected Connie to balk a little about handing over Kevin’s cell number but she hadn’t expected an outright refusal. That was okay. Hannah could get the number without Connie’s help – and she would. She could tear it out of Nick with a minimum of effort. Mostly, she wanted to know what had happened and how Connie really was. Despite her assurances that she was doing okay, Hannah had severe misgivings that would remain as long as their communication consisted of emailed messages. The state of the heart was revealed in tones and expressions, not black letters typed on a white screen.

*****

Kevin fought for consciousness as he felt the shaking… Earthquake… and tried to strangle out Connie’s name.

“Connie…earthquake… Connie?”

Can’t hear… The shaking continued but there were no crashes or splintering sounds. With great effort, Kevin managed to crack his eyelids into a narrow window but, even then, he had difficulty focusing. When he mentally counted two pairs of eyes staring back at him, he though he was seeing double. Then, the audio kicked in.

“Kevvy? Wake up, Pumpkin! Come on…”

ma?….

“Come on now, Kevin! Mama’s getting tired of this crap…”

ma?….

“Kevin Scott! You wake up right now! You stink and you’re naked!”

Kevin’s eyes shot open and three pieces of information simultaneously found his brain – the ‘earthquake’ he felt was the result of his shoulders being bounced up and down on the mattress, his mother and his cousin were inches from his face and he was, indeed, naked.

“Shit,” he mumbled pulling the sheet over his hips as he jerked himself into a sitting position. “You coulda covered me up, ‘ya know…”

His head hurt and his tongue felt like it was coated with wax. He did stink. Christ, he could even smell himself…

“It’s not like I haven’t seen your parts before, Kevin,” his mother scowled. “Lord knows, I cleaned them up enough in my day…”

“Jeez, Mom! Do you mind?”

Ann ignored Kevin’s irritation and began issuing orders. “I want you to get in the shower right now and wash yourself! I could fry potatoes in that hair! And then you’re going to put some clothes on. I’ll change these sheets while you bathe and then I’m going downstairs to start cleaning up the liquor factory. You come down when you’re clean and dressed….” When her son didn’t respond, she forced the issue with a pinch. “Do you hear me, Kevin?”

“Yes,” he grumbled, pulling away.

While Ann went to the linen closet, Brian approached Kevin with a degree of caution.

“Are you alright?” he whispered.

Kevin looked up at Brian and offered him a sad smile. “No…”

“I can hang around, if you want. Maybe talking would help…”

“I have a feeling that I’ll be getting all the ‘talking’ I can handle…” Kevin mumbled standing and letting the sheet drop. “Guess I better get cleaned up…”

The hot shower did wonders for Kevin’s body but only sharpened the pain in his heart – the pain that he had succeeded in burying in the bottom of several liquor bottles. He never remembered feeling so lost and without direction in his life. He wouldn’t even have the pleasure of beating the shit out of Sullivan. The coward had run off somewhere, probably enjoying an early retirement courtesy of his family fortune. He could only pray that he and Connie weren’t together. She didn’t know about his obsession and he might be someone she would turn to in a crisis. He’d seen her through some others. The mere thought that she might have gone to him turned Kevin’s stomach and soon he found himself heaving over the shower drain.

An hour later, as his mother tried to force feed him saltines, he recounted the events that had led up to Connie’s leaving, including the incident at the airport involving the little boy. He knew he didn’t deserve absolution but from a parent/child perspective, he was hoping that she could at least suggest some sort of penance. Ann’s face had clouded as Kevin’s confession unraveled. She vividly remembered the airport incident and the effect it seemed to have on her son. A small part of her wasn’t surprised that his fear had created a volatile situation between himself and Connie. She was surprised that her son had used his fear as ammunition, but knew that the circumstances had caused him to say things in a way that was irrational and based on a loss of control. She had no penance for her son and was afraid that, even if she had, he would wallow in it and punish himself into eternity. Kevin had a way of hanging onto things that he should let go of. Should he let go of Connie? She wasn’t sure.

“Kevin, dear,” his mother said gently as she reached out to touch his hand, “Do you think these… these questions you have about Connie….have any answers?”

Kevin’s eyes grew glassy and wet. “Yes, Mama… I’ve gone over them again and again – what I said to her and why. There are solutions to all of these things, even if the solution lies in my learning to deal with things the way they are and not the way I think they should be. For the longest time, she doubted that I could love, as she put it, somebody like her. Then I asked her if she would stop loving me if I was hurt or disabled in some way. We were both forced to face our prejudices and pre-conceived ideas about what ‘normal’ meant.” Kevin took a breath and wiped one eye with the back of his hand. “I gotta tell, you, Mom – it was a real moment of enlightenment for me. I felt more human than I had in a long time. I only wish I had told her that – how much it meant to me…”

“You sound like you think it’s over…”

“Maybe it is…”

“Do you want it to be?” Ann pushed.

Kevin’s eye’s flashed as they met his mother’s. “Of course not! I’m in love with Connie! Not with her ears!”

“So what’s the problem?”

“Christ mother!” Kevin pushed the chair away from the kitchen table as he jerked himself up. “The problem is ME! I make her feel weak and incapable! I’ve made her doubt herself. She thinks she can’t make me happy and that I’ll always have some sort of resentment towards her because she can’t hear! I can’t convince her otherwise because I have no idea where she is!”

Ann stood and crossed her arms. “Well, she’s somewhere, isn’t she Kevin? You sitting here in the dark is pure self indulgence! You love her? Then try to find her or at least find a way to let her know how you feel. The rest will be up to her. There’s something you need to realize – you don’t have the power to make her feel strong and capable. You can offer support and encouragement but the confidence has to come from within Connie – not you.”

Kevin looked away, momentarily lost in the unthinkable. “Maybe she was better off before she met me…”

“Better off trying to maintain these…these protective walls around herself? I don’t think so… and neither do you.” Ann sided up to her son snaked her arm around his waist. “You still have choices Kevin. You can try to forget Connie or you can try to find her. It might take a long, long time and even if you find her, things may not work out. But can you live with never knowing what might have been?”