CHAPTER 21

It was as if someone had nailed her feet to the floor. Connie couldn’t seem to move. She got no satisfaction from telling herself that she was right all along. That intellectual victory was completely hollow. He had had no reaction when she told him she was leaving and that, in and of itself, spoke volumes. What did I expect - for him to burst into tears and beg me to stay? Based on what? One night? One gentle night following a frightening, painful and humiliating experience? Connie knew now that Kevin had simply felt bad for her and the protection and comfort he offered both last night and today would have been offered to anyone who had been victimized. He didn’t do anything wrong. He just didn’t think of her in an affectionate or loving way.

Kevin was right, of course. He was in the enviable position of having his pick of any woman he chose. She certainly had nothing special to lay at his feet. Even if she were the most glamorous, desirable and talented woman he had ever met, it wouldn’t have worked. His life was his music and she could never really be a part of that. She couldn’t even hear him speak, much less sing or play the piano. It was laughable when you stopped to think about it. The possibility of Kevin thinking of her in a romantic way was a joke. It was downright funny.

Then why were tears rolling down her cheeks?

******

Kevin charged down the causeway heading north from Clearwater. How could he have ever thought that he and Connie had a chance? She had never flirted or given him any indication that their relationship was anything but professional. They were just writer and subject, that’s all. She was leaving. Last night had meant nothing. The probability of their relationship growing into something more had been killed on the day she arrived and for a brief moment, Kevin wished he had never laid eyes on Constance O’ Rourke. That moment was very brief.

He wanted to blame his misery on someone or something. His immediate reaction was to accuse Connie, herself. If I had known she was deaf… If she hadn’t kept it such a big God damned secret, then we would have gotten along fine. I wouldn’t have acted the way I did… As he headed up the ramp to get onto the interstate, the painful conclusion to his stream of consciousness hit him like a ton of bricks. …Which is exactly the reason she didn’t want anyone to know that she couldn’t hear. She doesn’t want ‘special’ treatment. She wants everyone to be themselves. She wants to be treated normally, not labeled as handicapped. She doesn’t want anyone to feel that they have to accommodate her because she can’t hear. Jesus Christ… His thoughts took him a step farther. They hadn’t bumped heads all of the time but they were always cautious around each other. Neither had truly let their defenses down until last night when she had been helpless and he had shown her compassion. Until then, he had been a little distant and hard to approach. She started to wonder if I was being a nice guy last night because she was being hurt. She probably believes that if I found out she couldn’t hear, I would think of her as helpless - a victim. She would think that if I were kind, if I showed her any affection, that I was being patronizing. She wouldn’t trust me…. She wouldn’t trust my behavior towards her.

Kevin pulled off of the highway and tried to collect his thoughts and figure out what to do. But she trusted me last night - I know she did! I felt it! For a few brief hours, she trusted me when she was the most vulnerable. It was the greatest gift she could have given me and I walked out. Now she’s wondering if I accepted it under false pretenses….

Kevin slammed his fist onto the steering wheel. He was forty minutes from Orlando. He could just keep on driving and resume his pre-Connie life. She would go back to New York and that would be the end of it. He and Brandi would probably end up together. It would be easy and uncomplicated. It would be logical and passionless. It would be safe. But it would never really be the ‘end’ of it, would it? Connie was right, in a way. Finding out that she was deaf did change his reactions to the way she acted because it helped to explain why. But it had nothing to do with the way he felt about her. I fell in love with her before I knew….

Kevin took a breath and put his truck into gear. Traffic was getting heavy. He continued to head north for about a quarter of a mile. There’s a flight to New York in three hours… He abruptly turned the wheel, cut left across three lanes of traffic and into the median where he made a U-turn and entered the line of traffic headed in the opposite direction, back towards Tampa.

*****

“What are you doing?”

Hannah’s face was suddenly in front of hers and Connie stumbled backwards, catching herself on the edge of the dresser. Hannah’s brows were furrowed and her mouth was drawn so tightly that her lips seemed to almost disappear. She felt as if she had been caught going through Hannah’s wallet or reading her mail.

“P..p..packing….” Connie swallowed.

“Why? Where are you going?” Hannah grilled, still frowning.

Connie couldn’t allow Hannah to browbeat her. She took a breath, calmed herself and became the epitome of rationality. Her decision made sense professionally as well as personally.

“I told you before, Hannah, that I was going to contact Stephen. He’s sending Adam down here to finish the copy.” Connie bent over an open drawer and began to pull clothes into her arms. “Besides… I think this is a job for a man. It would give the book more credibility…”

Hannah looked as if she had been shot. Then she began to stare at the ceiling as if she were imploring the gods to help her out. “Puhleeze! Tell me that you’re kidding! You know that’s bullshit, Connie, and I’m not going to listen to that sexist crap - especially coming from you to me, of all people! God damn! You know how hard I’ve had to work to break through attitudes like that!” Connie had started to look away and thus end their discussion but Hannah would have no parts of it. She grabbed Connie’s arm and whirled her back around. “Lie to yourself if you want to, Connie, but don’t pull that fucking shit on me!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Hannah! Let go of me! “I’ve got a plane to catch.”

“NO! You’re going to listen to me, missy. You’re not leaving - you’re running! And I can guess why!”

Connie tried desperately to lower the heat that had pervaded their conversation. She didn’t want to fight. She needed to get out of there. She smiled and shook her head.

“Oh, Hannah! You’re so dramatic! Honestly, I just have other things I need to deal with right now. Besides, this is all getting a little tedious for me. Adam can look at these guys with a fresh perspective and…”

“Shut up, Connie.”

“What?” Hannah’s rudeness had surprised her.

Hannah’s shoulder’s slumped as she exhaled a mighty sigh. This whole mess had gotten extremely complicated. She didn’t know about Kevin or what experiences had formed his personality but she knew about Connie. She knew about her fears and insecurities. She knew about her lack of physical as well as emotional self esteem. She knew about Trevor, whom Hannah referred to as Beelzebub, and how he had caused her great damage on many levels. Hannah was determined to tell Connie what she thought and why, based not only on what she had observed first hand but also on things Connie had told her in confidence throughout their friendship.

“Look, Connie. Even Leighanne is a better actress than you are and, believe me, that’s saying something. I’m a photographer. I’m no idiot. I’ve been observing people for many years and I know what I see. I know what I’ve seen… here in Clearwater…”

“Okay, Hannah..” Connie rolled her eyes sarcastically. “I’ll play along if it’ll get you off my back. What have you seen… here in Clearwater?”

“Well," Hannah said slowly, gauging Connie’s reaction, “After breakfast this morning, I was coming up the stairs and saw you coming out of Kevin’s room. It was almost funny because I had baited Leighanne with that possibility earlier - just to get a rise out of her. I didn’t know that I spoke the truth.”

Connie closed her eyes tightly, suddenly finding it difficult to catch her breath. She had to sit down.

“I was scared, Hannah!” she explained angrily. “Nothing happened! Sorry to disappoint you!”

“I’m not disappointed.” Hannah said seriously. “You disappointed?”

“NO!”

“Connie, I’m your friend. You know that. You’ve told me a lot about your life and your feelings and now I’m going to throw some of what you’ve said back at you. You don’t want anyone to judge you based on your deafness. I can understand that. I don’t want anyone to judge me based on my sexual preferences. Your… umm… condition…has become something you want to hide. That’s pride, Connie - pure and simple. In your case, it’s also fear. Pride because you don’t want to be judged.

Fear because you don’t want to be hurt - like you were with Trevor…"

Connie’s face hardened and she made a move to rise from her chair but Hannah pushed her back down into her seat.

“I don’t want to talk about him!” she spat.

“Then don’t.” Hannah countered. “[I] will…" She paused and then began her summation. “Here we have little Connie O’ Rourke - pretty, popular, vivacious. Then she’s in an accident and her life does a complete 180. She’s suddenly separated form her peers and isolated. Oh, they were nice enough. After all, they felt soooo sorry for her.”

“Luckily, she is very bright and got through school and college. In fact, she excelled! She really proved herself! Her academic life prospered. Unfortunately, her social life was for shit! She still wanted to be a part of the hearing world but those sons of bitches wouldn’t let her. They didn’t seem to understand that she was a hearing person trapped in a deaf person’s body. But she was good. Real good. She could lip read so fucking well that most people didn’t know she was deaf until she told them. Some of them never found out. But men are such shits, aren’t they? Invariably, when she felt comfortable with them and she told them about her disability, or they found out on their own, they would do a disappearing act. They couldn’t deal with [that!] It was too fucking hard! As a result, Connie never really had a boyfriend. She’d barely started dating when the accident happened.”

“Then, one day, she met Trevor Abbott. Oh, he was so nice and smart and handsome. She didn’t know that he was also a cruel, egocentric sociopath. Her deafness didn’t matter to him - not in the least! In fact, it seemed to make his attraction to her even stronger! Connie, having faced rejection countless times before, was actually grateful to him for showing her any affection! Grateful! So grateful that she would do anything he demanded and when he demanded sex - she complied. He was her first and, to my knowledge, her last. Trevor would even brag to his friends that he’d gotten himself a deaf bitch who was not only beautiful, but a virgin! She was a blank slate just waiting for his imprint.”

“Soon, he was playing games with Connie, trying to determine just how needy she was. He would embarrass and humiliate her in front of their friends. He made the mistake of equating deafness with stupidity. Things eventually went from bad to worse because, you see, Trevor had determined that Connie had another disability. She was seriously flawed because she couldn’t seem to achieve orgasm despite the fact that he considered himself an excellent and technically perfect lover!”

“Soon his game playing began to reach new depths of depravity. He wanted to let his friends watch them in bed together. They’d never screwed a deaf girl and wondered if it was different than nailing a hearing one. 'Hell,' Trevor would say, ‘at least you don’t have to talk to them!’ She had become his toy - his personal curiosity. His friends found his stories about her amusing and that further fanned his ego.”

“But Connie hung in there, trying to convince herself that he did love her and punishing herself because she got no pleasure from him. She was an incomplete woman. He certainly told her that dozens of times! She was fucked up! It had nothing to do with him - it was her! She was frigid! Then, one day, Trevor found Connie’s weak spot - darkness…”

Connie’s eyes had filled now and she was rocking back and forth in her chair. She wished she had never told Hannah about these things but it had been such a relief to let it all spill out. She didn’t want to hear any more.

“STOP! Please, Hannah… Why are you doing this? What does this have to do with anything? All of that is over!”

“Is it? I don’t think so, Connie, but I have to admit that I thought there was hope for you when I saw you sneaking out of Kevin’s room this morning. I didn’t know about Terry then but knowing about him now makes me even more optimistic. You trusted Kevin. Despite your battles, you had some seed of faith that he would be there for you, didn’t you? You opened yourself up, just a tiny bit, and discovered that stubborn ‘ole Kevin was there for you…. That he might even care about you…”

Connie had had enough. Hannah was wrong and she couldn’t stand to listen to her armchair psychology for another minute.

“Dammit, Hannah! Kevin's gone! Kevin doesn’t care about me! Not in the way that you’re implying! He was being nice because I was scared! He doesn’t know me! If he knew me, then he’d know I was deaf!”

“He does know, Connie…” Hannah murmured. "Somehow, he found out…"

Connie stared at her friend for a moment as her eyes refilled with tears. The motivation for Kevin’s display of tenderness had suddenly become abundantly clear. He felt sorry for the little deaf girl… Connie wiped her eyes with the back of her hand as she stepped over to her bed where her suitcase rested, ready to be put away - or filled.

“You’ll have to excuse me now, Hannah..” she said coolly. “I have some packing to do."