CHAPTER 52

Kevin and Brian arrived at the emergency room of Doctor's Hospital within forty-five minutes after Brian finished speaking to Dr. Randolph. They waited for another half hour before they were told that Miss Mallory had been moved to the eighth floor and that Dr. Randolph would meet them there.. The nurse at the desk wouldn't disclose any other information about Tristan or why she was there.

Kevin was silent as he and Brian got on the elevator. At that hour, the hospital was quiet and they rode up alone. Brian noticed that Kevin's hands were trembling although he tried to hide it by folding them under his arms. Kevin couldn't help but think of the last time Tristan had been hospitalized. He wondered if another "fan" had gotten to her, perhaps as a result of the magazine article.

When they got off the elevator at the eighth floor, they were instructed by a nurse to wait for the doctor. He was checking on Miss Mallory and would be with them shortly. She wouldn't say what was wrong with Tristan, either, which caused Kevin to become more anxious. They took a seat on a bench in the corridor and waited again. The didn't have to wait long. The saw a doctor leave the room almost directly across from where they were waiting. He walked to the nurses station, spoke to a nurse and then turned and came back in their direction. When he reached them, he nodded, pulled up a chair and sat facing them. Kevin noticed drops of blood on the doctor's scrubs. He hoped it wasn't Tristan's.

Dr. Randolph introduced himself.

"What's wrong with Tristan?", Kevin asked abruptly after identifying himself.

The doctor looked Kevin over. Here was a guy who looked pretty close to the edge. He was banged up, trembling and had an air of desolation.

"Mr. Richardson, are you related to Miss Mallory?"

Kevin stood up, perturbed. Why did they always ask that? What they really want to know is if we're married! Jesus, why don't they just say what's wrong? Kevin was tired and he didn’t want to play these games.

"I'm her lover!", he blurted out. "We live together!" Brian looked at him, surprised at his statement and questioning it's accuracy at this point, but he nodded his head in agreement.

"The two of you live together?" the doctor asked. He seemed surprised to hear this. He shook his head and looked at his hands. "This puts me in an awkward spot, Mr. Richardson."

"Why?" Kevin got up and started pacing. "You tell me what's wrong - now!" Kevin started for the door he had seen the doctor exit earlier. "I'm going in there!"

"No, Mr. Richardson! Come back here! Miss Mallory left specific instructions when she was brought here."

"What instructions?" Kevin stopped to ask.

"First she said not to let anyone other than herself be billed for her stay here. I had to call you because I had no other name or number to go by but Miss Mallory also said, and she was adamant, that she did not want to see Kevin Richardson or anyone remotely associated with the Backstreet Boys. I presume that's you and some of your friends. She insisted that no one be allowed entrance to her room I have to abide by her wishes."

Kevin chewed on the inside of his cheek as tears threatened to spill again.

The doctor continued. "Since the two of you have been living together in what I presume is a sexual relationship, I feel that you have the right to know that Miss Mallory is here because she has suffered the miscarriage of an eight week old, female fetus."

An eight week old, female fetus? That sounds so cold and clinical. What he means is a baby girl. Kevin felt dizzy and short of breath. Brian and the doctor sat him back down and he put his hands to his face trying to push the nightmares of this night away. Bits of information began to sort themselves out in his brain: Tristan had been pregnant - pregnant with his baby - a little girl. She had been pregnant even before they left on tour. She must have become pregnant when they were in Kentucky. She had been pregnant when he asked her to marry him, but she hadn't known it. She had been tired, sick and emotional. By the time she went to Key West, she had known about the baby and he had acted shitty to her. No wonder she went away. But she came back. She wanted to be with him. She had been happy to see him. He had betrayed the woman he loved. He had caused her to miscarry. He had destroyed their baby. He had killed his daughter.

"I have to tell you, Mr. Richardson, that Miss Mallory is not yet aware if the miscarriage. When she came in, she was cramping and there was some bleeding. We sedated her before the actual miscarriage occurred and she's still sedated. She should be coming around any time and I'll have to tell her about the baby."

"I should tell her." Kevin whispered.

"She doesn't want to see you. I'll tell her that you're here, but it's likely that she'll be very...well...sensitive...and we don't want to upset her any more than is necessary. Do you understand?"

Kevin nodded and wiped his eyes.

Brian put his arms around Kevin, trying to comfort him. Kevin's attachment to children was well known and Brian knew that Kevin was taking this news badly for a lot of reasons. Kevin felt stiff when Brian hugged him and Brian knew that he was trying to hold himself together.

"I'm going to go make a couple of calls, Kev. I'll be right back, okay?"

Kevin nodded, staring at the wall in front of him and the doctor silently indicated that he would stay with Kevin until Brian returned.

The doctor spoke, also trying to comfort Kevin. "You know, Mr. Richardson, there's no reason to believe that you and Miss Mallory can't have other children."

Kevin turned to stare at Dr. Randolph. His face was wet and his eyes were red. The doctor had seen cases of shell shock that weren’t this bad.

"Other children?" Kevin asked. "Is this one that easily replaced?"

The doctor was saved an explanation of his remark when a nurse came out of Tristan's room to tell him that his patient was waking up.

"I have to check on Miss Mallory now.", he said walking towards Tristan's room.

Kevin followed on his heels, determined to be there when she was told the bad news. The doctor stopped at her door and turned to Kevin.

"You cannot come in here, Mr. Richardson. You know that. Miss Mallory said that she does not want to see you."

Kevin nodded and stood outside the door, trying to listen.

******

Brian called the hotel and asked to be connected to Nick's room. He was relieved when Holly answered the phone..

"Brian! Where are you? Did you and Kevin find Tristan?" Holly asked, her anxiety evident.

"Please be calm, Holly. We're at Doctor's Hospital and...."

"Hospital?...Oh my God!..Is Kevin hurt that badly?"

"No...no..Listen to me, Holly! It's Tris...."

"Tris? What do you mean?"

Nick had awakened when the phone rang and was watching Holly in the dark, his ears tuned to the conversation. When he heard three words, Kevin, hospital and Tristan, he sat up and turned on the lamp, listening intently.

"Holly, Tristan has had a miscarriage."

"What?" Holly looked over at Nick, her eyes wide.

"Kevin is here but she refuses to see him or any of us. She doesn't even know yet about losing the baby. You need to tell the others. They're going to have to cover us for the promotional appearances. Kevin sure won't be there and I have to stay with him. He's losing it, Holly. I'll get back to you when I can." Brian hung up the phone before Holly could ask any more questions.

Nick was alarmed at the expression on Holly's face as she returned the phone to its cradle.

"What happened?", he asked.

"Tristan is in the hospital, Nick. She was pregnant."

"Was?"

"She just lost the baby. Kevin and Brian are there, but she won't see anyone."

"I'm going - where are they?"

"Doctor's Hospital, but Brian said...."

"I don't give a shit what Brian said!" Nick threw on some clothes, grabbed a jacket and headed out the door, leaving Holly staring at his back as he left.

Holly knew that Nick loved Tristan. but she had begun to doubt that Tristan was his only concern. He was worried about Kevin. too. Nick had said that he knew Kevin loved him but she began to understand that what Nick sought was his respect as well.

Brian made one more call, this one to his Aunt Anne in Kentucky. It was still early and he hated to call and scare her but he felt that Kevin needed some unconditional love and support right now and he would get that from his mother. He told Anne the entire sordid story in general terms and ended with where he was calling from and why. Anne began to cry on the phone but said that she would be on her way as soon as she could get a flight.

"Shit!" he said as he hung up the phone. He hated to be the bearer of bad news.

********

When Brian returned to Kevin, he was leaning against the wall outside of Tristan's room. His head was against the wall and his eyes were closed.

"Anything yet?" Brian asked him.

"Doctor's in there with her now." he replied, eyes still closed.

Seconds later they heard Tristan scream

"NO! Noooo.....!"

Her wailing could be heard in the hallway and Kevin put his hands to his face again and slid down the wall to the floor, putting his head on his knees. The loud sobbing continued for several moments and then he heard her scream at the doctor.

"Get him out of here! I don’t want to see him!......I don't want to see anyone! Get him out!......Out!........"

Kevin began to shake and rock back and forth on the floor. Then things quieted down and the doctor came out. He looked down at Kevin who did not attempt to move.

"We sedated her again. We'll see how she's doing in a couple of hours." He paused and then knelt down beside Kevin. Brian joined them on the floor. "Mr. Richardson?" There was no response. "Mr. Richardson, I think you'd better get some rest. We'll call you when Miss Mallory comes around."

"Come on, Kev." Brian took his arm. "The doctor is right. We should go."

"I'm not going anywhere, Brian. You go. You're tired."

Before Brian could reply, they heard heavy footsteps running down the hall towards them.

"How is she?"

"What the hell are you doing here, Nick?" Brian asked angrily as he stood up. "We don't need anymore trouble right now, okay?"

Kevin raised his face from his knees and looked up at Nick. Nick stared back at Kevin and felt a wave of emotions wash over him. He had never seen Kevin look so weak, so helpless and empty. He didn't like this. He wanted to be angry with Kevin - not feel sorry for him.

Kevin raised his hand for Brian to help him up, still holding Nick in his gaze.

"If you want to finish what you started, Nick, I'd be grateful.", Kevin said quietly. When he got no response from Nick, he walked to the end of the corridor and stood, staring out the window at the hospital parking lot.

*******

Tristan lay on her side in the hospital bed. She felt like the life had been drained out of her and then she caught the irony of her feelings. The life had been drained out of her, hadn't it? A single tear fell from the corner of her eye onto the pillowcase. She could feel herself fading. She remembered the feeling from the aftermath of her rape. They had called her catatonic. It wasn't bad or scary - it felt good to drift away. She let her mind shut down for awhile and take a vacation. While it was away she wouldn't have to think, feel or speak.

Blessed relief......

CHAPTER 53

"I'm sorry about the baby."

Kevin turned to look at Nick. Those were the first words he had spoken to Kevin in the hour and a half they'd been sitting and waiting. Nick, who had been focusing on the floor, looked at Kevin who was staring at him.

"I mean it. I really am sorry."

Kevin paused, searching Nick's face. "I believe you, Nick. I'm sorry, too." he said softly.

Kevin stood when he saw Dr. Randolph enter Tristan's room again. The doctor nodded in his direction as he went through the door.

"I'll be right back," he said.

He hadn't been in there very long before he came out and called for a nurse. He seemed agitated and Kevin became alarmed. He hurried over to the doctor, who was trying to give the nurse some instructions, and interrupted them.

"What happened in there?" Kevin grabbed the doctor's arm, fighting for his attention.

"One minute, Mr. Richardson, please!" The doctor pulled his arm from Kevin's grasp and gave the nurse instructions to page Dr. Wineland and then to go and stay with Miss Mallory until the doctor arrived.

"Who is Dr. Wineland? What's wrong with Tris?"

Dr. Randolph pulled Kevin against the wall, trying to quiet him. Nick walked over to them, uninvited, but Kevin didn't protest his being in on the conversation.

"Miss Mallory may have suffered a...well...a type of mental regression, Mr. Richardson."

"What the fuck do you mean....mental regression?"

"She doesn't seem to be responding to outside stimuli. I've paged Dr. Wineland because she's a neurologist. I want her to examine Miss Mallory to see if that's her determination and if it is, what we should do about it. She'll want to talk to you, I'm sure."

Another doctor approached them from the end of the hallway. She was a middle aged woman with short, dark hair. Her name tag read "Rita Wineland, M.D.". Dr. Randolph made brief introductions and then the two doctors went into Tristan's room. Kevin tried to look in when the door opened but there was a curtain around Tristan's bed and he couldn't see her. God, if I could only see her, even if from a distance.

Kevin started pacing again while Nick just looked on helplessly, not knowing what he should do. Brian had gone back to the hotel for a little while leaving Nick to tend to Kevin - an odd choice under the circumstances. After about twenty minutes, the doctors reappeared. Dr. Wineland was putting a small flashlight back into her pocket and they were talking. Kevin stood silently waiting for them to come to him. Both doctors felt his stare, waved him over and they all walked down to an isolated waiting room to talk. The doctors motioned for Kevin to sit and then they joined him. Nick stood close by observing. He wanted to listen, too, but felt uncomfortable barging in on what would be a serious and personal discussion. The doctors had just begun speaking when Kevin glanced up at Nick and saw him standing back, mouth slightly open and brows knitted together. The man that had beaten the shit out of him a few hours ago looked to be about fourteen years old right now. Kevin waved Nick into the group and the doctors stopped talking for a moment. Nick hesitated, not sure if he understood Kevin's overture. Then Kevin waved him over again and pointed to an empty chair beside him. Nick looked at the floor, not understanding Kevin's moment of generosity towards him. He came in and sat next to Kevin, occasionally glancing at his face as the doctors explained their evaluation of Tristan's mental state. Dr. Randolph began.

"First of all, let me say that Miss Mallory's physical condition is as well as can be expected. We would normally release her after a day or two and insist on rest and a follow up visit. The miscarriage appears to have been clean with no residual tissue."

Kevin winced. Tissue. Their choice of words was so sterile and cold. Nick saw Kevin's eyes harden at Dr. Randolph's statement. Dr. Wineland joined in. She, too, had noticed Kevin's reaction to Dr. Randolph's report. She'd had enough psychological training to understand that Kevin was grieving over the loss of his baby and who knew what else. Trying to objectify it by referring to it as tissue or a fetus could be upsetting.

"Mr. Richardson......may I call you Kevin?", she smiled.

It was the first smile he had seen since Tristan had run into his arms ten hours ago. His eyes softened but they were still filled with apprehension.

"Yes, of course," he answered.

"Good. Kevin, Dr. Ramdolph is saying that Tristan is doing fine physically. We're very sorry about your loss. I know it must be painful for you." She put her hand on his.

Kevin looked down at his lap. It was the first time that anyone had acknowledged openly that he might be feeling any pain and it touched him that anyone seemed to care. He blinked several times and looked back to the doctor.

"What we're concerned with right now is Tristan's mental state. I'm going to have to ask you some rather personal questions to help me figure this out. Is that okay?", she asked kindly.

Dr. Randolph got up and excused himself saying that he had other patients to check on. Nick made a move to get up and leave, too, but Kevin held his arm.

"You can stay, Nick. It's okay."

Nick sat back down in the chair. He was confused about Kevin's inclusion of him.

"Kevin," Dr, Wineland began, "I believe that Tristan has gone into a catatonic state. Do you know what that means?"

"Yes.", Kevin whispered, his eyes hardening again.

"She does not respond to things around her right now. She's "turned herself off", so to speak."

The doctor waited for a response or question, but got none. She could tell that Kevin was steeling himself. She went on.

"Do you know if she has had any similar episodes in the past?"

Kevin paused and then nodded. "Tris was attacked and raped a couple of years ago. I was told that she became catatonic afterwards."

"I see. Do you know long this state lasted?"

"I think it was a couple of months."

The doctor scribbled some notes on a chart.

"Did she have any other effects from this event, Kevin? Things like obsessive behavior, depression, nightmares, insomnia?"

Kevin lowered his eyes. "Nightmares."

"Frequency?"

"Not often lately, that I know of. I was told she had them all the time after the rape."

"What do you mean by "lately"?

"Since I've known Tris she's had fewer and fewer. I've known her for about a year."

"How does she react to the nightmares? What does she say to you about them?"

"She doesn't know that I know about them. She doesn't want people to know about them. They upset her. She feels out of control."

The doctor stopped writing and looked at Kevin.

"Kevin, do you and Tristan sleep together?"

"Yes."

Nick began to squirm. He felt like a voyeur, but Kevin didn’t seem to mind his being there. He usually guarded his personal life. Nick sat silently.

"I'm afraid I don't understand. Have you ever witnessed one of these nightmares?"

"Yes."

"Then why does Tristan think that you don't know about them?"

Kevin went on to explain his history with Tristan, what he had learned about her in Stockholm and what had happened on the bus trip. He told her how he handled Tristan's bad dreams and how she didn't remember them later. He also told the doctor that they seemed to occur during times in her life that were unsettled and when she felt unsafe.

Nick gained new insights into Kevin when he disclosed this information. He could see that Kevin had grown attached to Tristan almost from the time they had met and he had hidden it from everyone.

"What you've told me makes sense, Kevin. Do you know the last time this happened?"

Kevin and Nick exchanged glances.

"The last one that I know of was about ten days ago."

The doctor lowered her chart and waited for Kevin's eyes to meet hers again.

"Kevin, this catatonic state that Tristan has drifted into is less painful to her than the nightmares, but far more dangerous. Losing the baby was a terrible blow to her and to you, too, but I feel that something more is going on here. Would it have anything to do with the reason you're so banged up?" she asked bluntly.

Nick looked away, clearly upset and slumped down in his chair. Kevin met the doctor's gaze head on, his voice trembling.

"One of our friends got angry with me. He was angry because I betrayed Tristan and slept with another woman last night. She found out soon after she flew in to meet me. She saw the other woman." Kevin's voice cracked and he had to take several deep breaths. "She won't see me now. She hates me.", he choked.

Kevin jumped out of the chair and walked away, wiping his eyes.

"Would you like to see Tristan, Kevin?", she called to him.

He stopped, hoping he hadn't misunderstood the question.

"She doesn't want to see me. She won't see me. She'll get upset.", he whispered as the doctor approached him.

"That's exactly what I'm hoping for," she responded. "I want her to snap her out of this as soon as possible."

********

Dr. Wineland and Kevin slipped into Tristan's hospital room. The lights were low and there was complete silence. The doctor pulled back the curtain and Kevin saw Tristan for the first time since she had flung her ring at him. She still lay on her side, rolled up in a ball, eyes opened and looking straight ahead. The doctor pushed a chair to Tristan's bedside and told Kevin to sit.

"Try to talk to her and see if she responds in any way. Do anything you can to get a response from her, Kevin. Scream at her, touch her, hold her - anything but hurt her. I'm going to leave you two alone for a bit. I'll be outside." She touched Kevin's shoulder and left.

Kevin sat in the chair and looked at Tristan. Her face was expressionless, displaying no emotion whatsoever. Her hair was fastened in a clip at the back of her neck. Kevin reached over to let it loose. He caressed her neck and waited for some reaction, but there was none.

"Tristan?", he whispered. "I think you can hear me, baby.....Can't you, Tris?"

Kevin's throat was tight causing his voice to sound higher than usual. The sound of it surprised him. It sounded like the voice of someone ready to crack.

"Come on, Tris - hit me, scream at me - something!", he said more loudly, shaking her shoulder.

He moved his face down directly in front of hers, putting himself in her line of vision. Her eyes shifted and found another object to focus on.

"Okay, Tris! I've had enough of this shit now!", Kevin shouted.

He pushed the chair back and lifted Tristan up by her shoulders into a sitting position. She stayed there, sitting on the edge of the bed facing him, but still acknowledging nothing. Kevin spotted a pitcher of water and a cup on her tray. He filled the cup and held it to her lips but she did not drink.

"Drink the water, Tristan," he ordered. She opened her lips and began to swallow. She continued to do this until Kevin gave the order for her to stop.

Again Kevin put his face in front of her and shouted at her, shaking her shoulders.

"Tris! God dammit! Look at me!......You know me, baby. Come on!"

Tristan's head wobbled as Kevin shook her shoulders but she still didn't respond and her eyes wouldn't meet his. Kevin put his arms under hers and around her back. His cheek pressed next to hers and he could feel her soft skin against his beard. He murmured in her ear.

"Okay, Tris...it's time to come back now. We have to talk, hon. We have to get back to our house in Kentucky, Tristan.....I have a surprise for you there.....Come on, now...."

Her arms hung down limply. No part of her body moved. Kevin could only think of one more thing to do. He pulled away from her to reach into his pocket. Kevin pulled out the her ring. He had picked it up off of the floor in the hotel hallway. Kevin took Tristan's hand and attempted to place the ring back on her finger. That's when he got the only response he would get from her. She balled her hand up into a fist making it impossible for him to slip the ring onto her finger. He looked at her face when she did this but she remained expressionless and unfocused. Kevin tried again attempting to pry her fingers open, but they wouldn't budge. He didn't know if she had become incredibly strong or he had become terribly weak. Kevin didn't hear the door open up behind him. Dr. Wineland's voice startled him.

"Any responses, Kevin?"

He whirled around to look at her, Tristan's fist still in his hand.

"Just this." He held up Tristan's fist and explained what had happened.

Dr. Wineland shook her head. She had hoped for more.

"She's like a robot!" Kevin cried.

The doctor nodded. "She's going to need special treatment, Kevin. I hope it won't be long term treatment, but we just don't know. I'll have to contact her family......"

"I'm her family!", he shouted. Then his voiced dropped to a whisper. "I'm her family......"

"No, Kevin. You're not. I can't allow you to make decisions for her. She's not related to you legally or even emotionally right now. If her immediate family has no input, then I'll have to make some decisions on her behalf as her physician."

Kevin turned slowly back to Tristan and took her arms in his hands.

"Let's lay back down now, baby..."

He laid her down on the hospital bed and covered her with a sheet. She curled up into her little ball and stared at nothing. Kevin didn't turn back to the doctor when he spoke again. He just stood a Tristan's side, stroking her cheek.

"What will you do?"

The doctor saw him wipe his eyes and knew that he was crying. She was very concerned about his state of mind, too.

"There's a facility in South Carolina called Stonewall House. It's top of the line, Kevin and very beautiful. She'll be well taken care of there."

She saw his shoulders begin to shake but he made no noise as he continued to stroke Tristan's cheek.

"Will I be able to see her?" He asked, voice wavering, afraid of the answer.

"No. You can call there but I doubt you'll get much information. Who she sees and speaks to is at the discretion of the doctors there and they're pretty cautious."

"Because I caused all of this, right?"

Dr. Wineland stepped to Kevin and put her hand on his shoulder.

"I didn't say that. Tristan's mind is trying to protect her right now."

"From me."

"From whatever she can't face."

Kevin sighed deeply and wiped his face.

"When will she go?"

"As soon as possible, I think. The sooner the better. I think we can fly her down within the hour."

Kevin jerked his head around to face the doctor.

"An hour? One hour?"

"I said the sooner the better, Kevin. I meant it. Does she have any clothes?"

"Uh.....I don't know. At the hotel maybe."

"I'm going to go speak to your friend outside and make a call. You can stay with Tristan until we go." Dr. Wineland patted Kevin again and left.

Within a half hour Holly and Brian had joined Nick at the hospital with Tristan's suitcase that had been left at the hotel. Dr Wineland called a nurse to Tristan's room so that the nurse and Kevin could get Tristan dressed while the doctor spoke to Nick, Holly and Brian. She filled them in on what had happened and what was going to happen. Nick looked away, blinking and Holly's eyes filled with tears. Brian remained stoic although his breathing seem labored. The doctor told them where Tristan was going and why. She wouldn't attempt a prognosis.

"I'm so sorry about everything your friends have been through in the last twenty-four hours, but I have to tell you that I'm particularly concerned about Mr. Richardson .....Kevin......right now. I doubt that anyone would be able to handle all of this well, but he's burned out and I fear he's teetering in the edge himself. I can't predict how he'll react when Tristan is gone but I know it won't be pretty. I don't know that I've ever seen anyone quite as....well....despairing as he is right now. Despairing and desperate. Try to keep your eye on him. Don't lie to him but if you can offer any honest hope, please do it."

*******

Kevin and the nurse dressed Tristan slowly. She still reacted to commands to a degree. When she was told to stand, for example, she couldn't seem to move on her own but if she were lead to a standing position she would remain there. Kevin went to her suitcase and took out a sweater - one of the cashmere sweaters he had sent her from Italy - and pulled it over her head gently. She wore khakis and clogs and a fine gold chain around her neck. He went to her suitcase again to look for her hairbrush. He found it next to a pair of red panties - the same panties that had traveled with him through Europe that summer. He fingered the lace for a moment and then picked them up and slipped them into his pocket. Then he took the brush and began fixing her hair, parting it down the middle of her head and brushing it past her shoulders to her midriff and then tenderly pushed the strands of hair behind her ears. He removed the gold studs he wore and placed them in her ears.

The nurse left the room for a wheelchair and Kevin broke. Again he pulled her fingers to his cheek seeking comfort, but they did not move on his face. The nurse returned and they sat Tristan in the chair. Kevin took her suitcase and they left the room.

Holly, Nick and Brian stood down the hall. Kevin glanced towards them and walked to the elevators beside Tristan and the nurse pushing the chair. His three friends followed at some distance until they boarded the elevator together. They rode in silence to the roof where a helicopter waited to take Tristan to South Carolina.

CHAPTER 54

The cab ride back to the hotel was silent. Kevin said nothing and that kept the others from speaking as well. No one knew what to say anyway. Brian instructed the driver to take them around to the back of the building where they entered the hotel and rode the service elevator up to their floor. As they walked to their rooms, the few people that had been in the hall seemed to quickly disappear behind closed doors. Even the security people avoided eye contact with any of them. Word had spread. When Kevin reached his door and pulled out his key card, Brian, who was standing behind him, finally spoke.

"Kev, I'm gonna check on you in a couple of hours, okay?"

"Not necessary, Brian. I'm fine. Gonna take a shower and go to bed."

Kevin glanced past Brian to see Nick and Holly standing at their door staring at him.

"I'm okay guys!" he said in a sing-song fashion. "Gonna get some sleep. You do the same." Kevin began to laugh. "You've been a wonderful audience - thank you for your love and support and goodnight!" He flashed them the peace sign and opened his door, entered and closed it behind him.

Brian turned to look at Nick and Holly. Oh yeah....He's okay. If you want to call a crack up okay.

Kevin entered the room slowly and threw his key on the dresser. He fished into his pocket and pulled out Tristan's ring, placing it with the family pictures he always carried with him on tour. God, he was so tired.

Kevin forced his head up so he could see himself in the dresser mirror. He looked like shit. That was appropriate. He felt like shit, too, but what he saw when he looked at his own reflection was pure evil. What had happened? He never thought of himself as a bad person but he must be. Good Lord, look at what he had done! He couldn't stand to look at himself and he balled his hand into a fist and raised it, preparing to shatter the image in the glass. Then he caught sight of movement in the reflection and spun around to see his mother sitting in a chair by the door.

"Mama?" Kevin stared at her, seriously wondering if he had finally become delusional.

Anne stood and walked over to her son. He looked so much worse than she had expected and it was obvious that there was much that Brian hadn't told her, although he had told her plenty. She didn't know what to say to Kevin. When his father had died, he had been devastated and that had been painful for her to see but when she looked at Kevin now she could tell that he was beyond devastation. It was as if his spirit had been decimated. There was no light in him.

"What are you doing here, Mama?" he turned back to the mirror and asked her reflection.

He seemed cold. He didn't invite her to hug him or touch him and when she forced herself on him, he stiffened and seemed unable to respond to her display of affection.

"Brian called me, sweetheart," she answered and reached up to smooth his hair.

Kevin backed away. He suddenly found that he couldn't stand to be touched. He craved the touch of only one person and she was on her way to an asylum. ... a fucking nut house in South Carolina - courtesy of Kevin Richardson... He didn't dare think in terms of forgiveness. He didn't deserve comfort, not even from his own mother.

"I'm really sorry about the baby, sweetheart. How's Tristan doing?", she asked, not knowing yet about the breakdown. He didn't answer.

Anne had been hurt by Kevin's indifference to her but she made no show about it. He was shutting her out.

"I need a shower, Mom. I'll be awhile," he said as he picked up some clothes and headed to the bathroom.

Anne smiled at him and nodded. "I'm going to order some food. You need to eat and get some sleep."

Kevin didn't say anything. He walked into the bathroom and closed the door.

Anne ordered some food from room service and stepped out into the hall. This story went a lot deeper than she knew. Kevin wasn't going to confide in her but she had to fill up the spaces in Brian's explanation. She knocked on the door across the hall knowing that the entire floor was occupied by the boys and their employees. Someone there could tell her where Brian's room was. She was surprised when Nick answered the door but not as surprised as he was.

"Mrs. Richardson! When did you get here?" he asked still standing in the doorway.

"Can I come in, Nick?" Anne responded, trying to smile.

"Oh....sure, sure...Come on in." Nick introduced Holly to Kevin's mother. Everyone was trying to be pleasant.

"Have you been with Kevin today, Nick?" Anne asked.

"Yes, ma'am."

"Where is Brian?"

Nick gave her Brian's room number hoping that she would go there and question her nephew but she didn't move.

"Will you call and ask him to come down here for a few minutes? I know you’re all tired. I'm tired, too but I need some answers quickly while Kevin's in the shower."

"Yes, ma'am." Nick picked up the phone and dialed Brian's room. He arrived in less than a minute.

"Brian," Anne began "sit down." Brian did as he was told and Nick and Holly followed suit automatically. There was a lot of Anne in Kevin. "There's still a lot I don't know, isn't there Brian?"

Brian nodded and looked at the floor. "There's a lot you don't want to know, Aunt Anne. I know you were upset about the miscarriage - knowing about Kevin and Tristan and all, but I felt you had to know. For Kevin's sake."

Anne actually laughed, shocking the people in the room. "Brian, I'm not an idiot! Do you young people really believe that you invented sex? I know that Kevin and Tristan have been sleeping together for some time now - I didn't really think they were just roommates! And if I was that stupid, I think I would have figured it out when I took a look at that rag called "Reputations", don't you?"

"You saw that?" Brian asked, embarrassed.

"Saw it? People couldn't wait to show it to me! Do you think I liked seeing sexual pictures of my son and his girlfriend - in living color, no less - spilled across the pages of a national magazine? Pictures like that? Do you think I liked seeing Kevin and Tris victimized that way? Oh, I had loads of sympathetic calls from well wishers who wanted to comfort me because my baby boy had gotten himself so intimately involved with a whore!"

Anne took a breath and rubbed her hands on her forehead as if she were trying to erase the images in her mind. She calmed down and began to ask questions.

"Did this article upset Tristan enough to cause her to lose the baby?"

"It may have been a factor, Aunt Anne. The doctors don't know."

"You told me that Kevin and Tristan had a disagreement of some sort. What happened?"

Brian and Nick looked at each other, not speaking.

"Gee, Aunt Anne, maybe you should ask Kevin about....."

"Kevin isn't talking! Now you tell me, Brian! You said that Tristan had gone to Key West and then came here to meet Kevin. Now, what happened? I need to know if I'm going to be able to help him at all!"

Brian swallowed, closed his eyes and tried to spit out the events of last night and today as quickly as possible.

"When Tris went to Key West, Kevin thought that she had left him. He thought this for a number of reasons, but you'll have to get those from him. Anyway, he began to drink a lot. He got moody and withdrawn. Last night he slept with one of the dancers....."

Anne cringed and closed her eyes. "Tristan saw them....together?"

Brian was uncomfortable speaking to his aunt his way, but he continued. "No, not exactly. It was soon after, but there was no doubt that it happened. We all saw it and Kevin didn't deny it. Tristan had just gotten there. Kevin was surprised to see her, thinking that she had left him and all. She saw what Kevin had done and ran away. Later we got a call from the hospital. You know the rest."

"What happened to Kevin's face? He looks like he's been in a fight."

Anne saw Brian look to Nick and then saw Holly grab Nick's hand.

"Nick?" Anne questioned him. "Did you do that to my son?"

Nick's eyes became wet and he began to stammer.

"Yes, Mrs. Ri..Richardson. I was so up...upset about what Ke...Kevin did...I lost...I lost it."

"But you look fine." Anne was puzzled.

Nick looked at Holly but spoke to Anne. "He didn't fight back Mrs. Richardson....."

"Oh,...I see." Anne took another deep breath. "How is Tristan now? What hospital is she in? I want to go see her."

Brian hesitated and cleared his throat of the lump that was forming there. "She's been taken to South Carolina, Aunt Anne. She's....She's closed herself off...catatonic, they said. They can't treat her here."

The spaces in Anne's information had been filled but the situation had become more complicated. At least she now understood some of Kevin's indifference. He was closing himself off, too, and all she could do was be there for him.

"When will you all go back to Florida?", she asked.

"Day after tomorrow.", Brian answered.

"I'm taking Kevin back to Kentucky with me. I think that would be best for him right now. Do you agree or not?"

"I think that's a good idea, Aunt Anne. If he needs anything from Orlando, he can give me a list and I'll mail it to him.", Brian offered.

"Thank you, honey."

********

Kevin turned the water on as hot as he could stand and stood, letting it wash over him. After a minute, he turned it up a little hotter, hoping that the physical discomfort would drive away the emotional pain. He started to scrub every inch of himself and for one brief moment, thought of calling Tristan in with him to wash his back. The water splashing on his face made it so much easier for him to cry as hot tears mixed with hotter water. Kevin leaned against the cool tiles and slowly slid to the shower floor. He sat crying until he was finally empty, drained of tears and feeling. He felt like he would never cry again. He continued to sit until he heard his mother tap on the door telling him to come out and eat. Kevin turned off the water and dried himself off. He still felt dirty. He didn't bother to shave. He put on some jeans and a sweatshirt and left the bathroom, stopping at the dresser to slip Tristan's ring back into his pocket.

Anne tried to get him to eat but after an obligatory bite or two, he put his sandwich down on the plate. He found it difficult to look at his mother and the two of them sat without speaking for several minutes.

"Kevin, I heard that Tris is going to South Carolina to get help," Anne said, trying to get Kevin to open up to her.

He didn't respond to her comment. He played with his fork, tapping it on the table. His mother gave him a small smile and put her hand on his arm.

"She's going to be alright, sweetheart."

Kevin jerked his arm away like her touch had burned him.

"I'm tired, Mama. I'm gonna lay down for awhile."

He wanted to take the camisole to bed with him, but couldn't do that with his mother there. He walked across the room to pick up his carry-on and stuck his hand down into a side pocket to feel the satin against his hand. That would have to do until he was alone again. Then he went to the bed and laid down. Kevin suddenly became aware of his legs. It occurred to him that whenever he slept with Tristan, their legs stayed tangled all night. . Even if their bodies separated, their legs remained intertwined. As he drifted off, he could almost feel the sensation of her legs wrapped around his, like the amputee who still felt his limb after it had been removed.

Anne watched Kevin closely while he slept. When he began to toss slightly and murmur, she got up and went over to the carry-on bag that she had seen him stick his hand into earlier. She investigated it's contents and discovered the pink camisole in a side pocket. She knew instantly that this is what her son had been seeking and she withdrew it slowly. She examined the pink satin and then looked at Kevin. He still moved, like he couldn't get comfortable. Anne took the camisole over to him and laid it on his hands. Within seconds she saw his fingers clasp the smooth fabric and move it to his face. He lay still and quiet after that and slept soundly.

When he awoke a few hours later, he learned that his mother had booked them on a flight to Lexington and so he packed up his things and prepared to leave. Kevin picked up the camisole from his pillow and looked at his mother as she helped to gather his belongings. He knew that she had retrieved it for his comfort and he felt a small stab in his heart. He wished he could open up to her as he always had but he had closed himself off. His mind had gone into a protective mode, too, in it's own way.

Kevin slipped a note under Brian's door as they were leaving. They left without anyone knowing they were going. No good-byes, no words of encouragement.

*********

Nick came into the hotel room angry and upset, slamming the door behind him. Holly was seated at a small table where she was beginning a letter to Tristan, hoping that she'd be able to read it before long. The slamming door startled her causing her pen to scratch across the paper. Nick stood inside the door, clenching and unclenching his fists and breathing heavily.

"What on earth is wrong with you?", Holly asked.

She moved her chair back from the table and went over to him but Nick pushed past her and walked over to the bed, picking up pillows and slamming them down on the mattress.

"He's gone!" Nick shouted at her. "Just left - not a word to anybody!"

"Who?" Holly approached him again but he sidestepped her.

"Kevin! Who do you think?" He stopped and put his hands on his hips. His foot was tapping and she could see him moving his tongue back and forth behind his lower lip.

"Kevin's gone? Where?"

Nick threw his hands up in the air like he couldn't believe she was asking such a stupid question.

"To Kentucky! He left a note under Brian's door - a list of things he wanted sent from Orlando. Didn't say good-bye, kiss my ass or nothing!"

"Nick, you knew Kevin was going to Kentucky - you saw what kind of shape he is in. He probably just needed....."

"God dammit, Holly! Is he paying you to be his defense lawyer or something? Why do you always side with him against me?"

"Nick, baby....." She spoke softly and came to him again. When he turned away this time, she took his hands and forced him to look at her. "......you know that's not true. Everyone is upset. No one knows what to do or say. Look at you! You're wound up tighter than a banjo string!" She smiled at him, reaching up to stroke his blond hair.

"Banjo string? What do they know about banjos in Pennsylvania?", he asked lightly, trying to calm himself.

"I may have grown up in Nazareth, Nick, but I've been a student of southern culture for several years now."

Nick broke away from her and walked to the window. Light conversation wasn't going to help him. He was wound up too tightly. All of the ugly words, meanness, isolation and tragedy had come to a head but there were still no resolutions in sight.

"Holly, come here.", he demanded.

When she reached him, he grabbed her and held her against him. His hands went to her backside and he leaned his head to hers, kissing her hard and forcing his tongue into her mouth. He broke the kiss and pushed her up against him tightly so she could feel the stiffness in his groin. He whispered in her ear, not in a tone of desire or romance but of physical need. He didn't want caresses or kisses. He wanted to be inside of her - now. He wanted a release. But she was the one he needed to help him.

"Please don't say no, baby." he whispered, rubbing himself against her.

"Have I ever refused you, Nick?", she asked quietly.

"No, Holly. You haven't." He kissed her ear.

Those words ended any gentleness between them for the time being. Nick began removing both of their clothes as he pushed her to the bed and by the time he fell on top of her, only her panties were between them. Nick's hand reached down between them and Holly heard a ripping sound and felt the elastic snap around her belly. She was suddenly naked. She felt his hand between her legs and he began to stroke her, making her moist enough for him to enter her without discomfort. It didn't take long and soon she found her arms pinned to the mattress as he moved into her fully.

He stopped and looked at her for a moment and she examined his face. There was no playfulness there, only tension and intense concentration as he began to move on her harder and harder. She could feel her body moving up the bed with each thrust and was surprised to feel herself beginning to approach orgasm. She had been consumed with his needs and hadn't considered her own but her hips were moving to meet his with no effort on her part. Soon she felt herself tense around him as she exploded and called his name. Nick looked down at her, also surprised by her quick release. He was breathing through his mouth and his hair and body had become damp with sweat. His groans grew loud as and his hands moved from her arms and grabbed her hips pulling her up as close to him as she could get. Then his thrusting stopped and he held his breath. Holly could feel Nick press against her cervix and then he fell back on top of her, taking deep ragged breaths. His head was in the crook of her neck and soon she felt wetness there. She put her hand on his face and felt warm tears on his cheeks.

"Thank you, baby." he whispered to her.

"God, Nick. Don't ever thank me for loving you so much." She nuzzled the top of his head and he kissed her hand. They both drifted onto a much needed rest.

Tristan Trilogy - Story I

"Will You Play for Me?" is a work of fiction.
The characters and events portrayed are fictitious.
Any resemblance to real people or events is purely coincidental.

Copyright ©1999
All Rights Reserved
No part of this text may be copied or reprinted
without the author's permission.

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Fiction by Grace