CHAPTER 55

By the time Tristan arrived at her room in Stonewall House she seemed almost normal. The doctor on call examined her and determined that she was responsive but not reactive, meaning that she heard and understood what went on around her but she didn't seem to react to it in any positive or negative way. The catatonic state had seemed to diminish the farther away from New York she got, but she was far from well.. She was still not speaking so it was difficult for the doctors to know exactly what her state of mind was. She seemed placid so they put her in a room where she was allowed her own things and some degree of freedom. She was, however, being monitored by a hidden camera attached to the dressing table mirror. This camera took a picture every five seconds that was relayed back to a control room and monitored by security. None of the patients at Stonewall House who were in these rooms knew they were being watched for obvious reasons.

In the early evening, a nurse had brought Tristan a dinner tray and had helped her put her things away. When she returned later, Tristan had put on a nightgown and was laying in her bed asleep. She had not touched her food.

Tristan dreamt that night. She didn't have one of her regular nightmares but it was very disturbing. Images of Lily floated past her. She held out her arm and Tristan saw the word "whore" tattooed there next to a heart with Kevin's name written across it. Then Lily's face had changed into hers. The tattoos were still on her arm but the heart was split and there was blood pouring out of it. Then the scene had shifted and she saw herself standing by a bed holding a dead child in her arms. Lily and Kevin were in the bed together and he was moving on top of Lily. Tristan was trying to call Kevin but he didn't hear. Lily was laughing at her and waving her hand. She wore Tristan's ruby ring on her finger.

Tristan jerked herself awake. She was panting and covered in sweat but she did not cry out. She looked at the bedside clock. It was still fairly early - only ten-thirty. She got up from her bed, walked over to the dressing table and sat looking at herself in the mirror. She could't seem to recognize the reflection. Who are you? What are you? You look like a little girl. No wonder that Kevin wants Lily. She's a woman. Not you!

Tristan pulled at her hair. She had way too much hair. It was unsophisticated and juvenile. She went to her suitcase and found a zippered bag that contained miscellaneous items that she always carried with her when she traveled. Things like aspirin, Scotch Tape, scissors. Scissors. She took them out of the bag and went back to the dressing table. She sat and gazed at her reflection again for a moment and then lifted a hank of hair. Just a few inches. A foot maybe. She pulled a section of hair out tightly, closed her eyes and attacked with the scissors. She felt long strands fall into her lap and down onto the floor. Tristan opened her eyes to look and was surprised to see a heavy stream of blood running down her left arm from her wrist. She watched the blood flow, fascinated by it's speed and color. She thought of the tattooed heart in her dream. Large spots of red blossomed on her gown as blood dripped off of her elbow. It'll stop in a minute. It doesn't even hurt. She pulled another hank of hair from her head and cut that off, too. Blood dripped from her wrist onto her head. I have to hurry. She cut again and giggled silently. She was feeling light headed. Then she heard a loud buzzer going off outside her door and footsteps running down the hall. Everything turned gray and she felt herself falling to the floor.

When Tristan woke up, she was in a bed in a strange room. A nurse was standing over her looking at her watch. The nurse's fingers were pressed against her right wrist and when Tristan tried to move her hand away, she discovered that she couldn't. She couldn't move her left hand either. She was in restraints. The nurse jerked her fingers away when Tristan tried to move her hand and hurried out of the room, returning a short time later with a man in a white lab coat. A doctor. Tristan was frightened but made no noise. She didn't understand why she was tied down like this.

"Tristan?"

The man in the white coat leaned over her and studied her face. She tried to move again. She felt helpless.

"Shall we untie your arms?"

Tristan nodded.

The doctor signaled for the nurse to unfasten the restraints and helped her sit up. Tristan looked at her arms and saw that her left wrist was bandaged. She vaguely remembered cutting herself with scissors. Scissors. Her hand went to her head and she began to smooth her hair. It was gone. Most of it anyway. Her hair stopped just above her shoulders and she looked at the doctor with tears in her eyes. He could see that she was scared so he took her hand and patted it reassuringly.

"Do you know why you're here Tristan?"

She shook her head, staring at him.

"Do you remember what happened last night?"

Tristan ran her fingers through her hair and looked at the doctor.

"Yes.", he said. "You cut off your hair. Why did you do that?"

Tristan thought for a moment and remembered the dream. She looked away. Kevin had loved her hair. That's why she cut it off. Because he loved it. He didn't want her. She was a troublesome little girl. He wanted a woman. An easy woman. No trouble. He had hurt her. She hated him. Tristan didn't answer the doctor. She had no voice. She looked down at her lap and chewed her lip.

When she didn't respond, the doctor took her bandaged wrist and held it up between them.

"Why did you try to hurt yourself, Tristan?"

Tristan looked at the white bandage wrapped around her wrist. She had cut herself with the scissors. She remembered the blood, but it had been an accident. She was only trying to cut her hair.

The doctor watched her carefully. The cut had been deep enough to cut the artery but not sever it. Tristan looked at her wrist with a puzzled expression on her face. When she grasped the meaning of his questions she began shaking her head. He didn't know if she was denying a suicide attempt or just realizing how messed up she had been. He wouldn't know until she started communicating with him and even then he may never know for sure. He took her hand and unwrapped the bandage. Tristan held her arm up in front of her face gazing at the black threads that criss crossed a red line that ran diagonally across her wrist. It looked like she had tiny spiders crawling on her arm.

"You're going to have to talk to me, Tristan. I know you understand me. I'll see you in my office tomorrow. You get some rest."

He saw Tristan glance at the restraints hanging from the lowered bed rails and then she looked back at him, pleading silently.

"I don't think we'll need those anymore. Do you?"

Tristan shook her head.

"The nurse will rebandage your wrist and I'll see you tomorrow. Think about what I said, Tristan. The sooner you talk to me, the sooner you can leave here."

Dr. Palmer walked back to his office thankful that Tristan had expressive eyes. He entered the room and opened her file. She had only been here two days and had already received a number of phone calls from people asking about her condition and if there had been any change. There had been four calls from Kevin Richardson and two from Nick Carter. He had some background on her relationship with the two men. Kevin had been her lover. They had lived together. He had fathered the baby she had recently lost. Nick was a close friend of both Tristan and Kevin. He and Kevin were both members of the popular vocal group, The Backstreet Boys. Jim Palmer knew of the Backstreet Boys because he had a sixteen year old daughter whose room was plastered with their images. She seemed to know every detail of their lives. Dr. Palmer smiled sadly thinking that he may have to get his daughter to help him out on this one.

*******

Kevin didn't stay at his mother's house but at the home that he had bought for Tristan and himself. The trees around the lake were full of color and he remembered Tristan saying that fall was her favorite season. She had complained because Florida had no autumn and he had promised that they would spend some time in Kentucky during that season.

Tristan's piano had arrived and it was a beauty. He had been assured that it would be tuned properly and he thought that if it sounded have as beautiful as it looked, it would be perfect. He hadn't uncovered the keys to try it. It was Tristan's piano and no one was going to touch the keys before she did.

He called Stonewall House twice a day from his mother's. No one would tell him anything. He did't know if Tristan was better, worse or the same. He wasn't even sure if she had arrived safely because the operator would give out absolutely no information at all except a voice mail box that had been assigned to Tristan where he could leave messages. It was terribly frustrating and he tried to work out his frustrations by chopping and splitting wood that he would stack near their house.

His mother had taken several messages from the guys, especially from Brian and even one from Nick, which had surprised him. He didn't return any calls. He didn't want to talk, he just wanted to be left alone. One of Brian's messages stated that he had mailed the things on Kevin's list.

Anne always watched Kevin read his messages to see if he had a strong reaction to any of them. When he had read Brian's message, she had seen him unconsciously feel the outside of his pants pocket. She knew what was in that pocket. She had checked on him enough during the last couple of days to know that he kept Tristan's ring with him at all times. She also knew that he was drinking at night when he couldn't sleep.

*******

When Tristan woke up the next morning, she saw that someone had brought her a change of clothes and a toothbrush. She went into the bathroom and found toothpaste, shampoo and soap. When she looked into the bathroom mirror, she had to stop and stare. She looked pale and drawn and her hair was dirty, limp and uneven. She barely recognized herself without all of that hair.

When she finished showering, an attendant was waiting for her and told her to sit in the metal chair that she had placed in the middle of the room. Tristan did as she was told and watched as the attendant pulled out a pair of scissors and began trimming Tristan's hair, attempting to even up the mess she had made. Tristan felt her cutting bangs and then the attendant handed her a mirror, which she refused. She didn't want to see herself.

******

Dr. Palmer had actually gathered a lot of information about this case from his daughter and her directions to various Backstreet Boys web sites. There were several pictures of Kevin and Tristan together. A person would have to be blind not to see the chemistry between them even from a photograph on a computer screen. He had drawn several conclusions before he saw Tristan that afternoon. In a nutshell - Tristan was a beautiful and talented young woman who had essentially been neglected for most of her life, yet somehow - by the grace of God, had managed to maintain a kind, generous and innocent manner. She was violently attacked and withdrew for awhile. After a year she began to work again, still kind, but cautious. She meets the serious and popular singer/songwriter and falls in love, probably for the first time. She trusts him completely and he betrays her. She breaks.

But what about him? Is he broken, too? Dr. Wineland had indicated that he was also emotionally troubled, filled with guilt and pain. Dr. Palmer guessed that until Tristan healed, there would be little hope for either of them. Kevin wasn't his patient but he was an essential piece to this puzzle.

******

"Come in, Tristan."

The attendant lead Tristan to a chair in Jim Palmers office and sat her down. Tristan just looked at him, her eyes empty once more. Her long hair had given her size and volume. Now she looked tiny and frail with a hint of suspicion on her face.

"Are you going to talk to me today?"

Nothing.

"Alright. You can go."

Dr. Palmer buzzed the attendant who came in looking perplexed.

"Miss Mallory isn't up to speaking today. You can take her back to her room."

*******

Kevin's brother, Jerald, was at Anne's house the next day when the package from Brian arrived.

"Let me take it to him, Mom. Maybe I can get him to talk."

Anne nodded and gave Jerald a basket that she was going to take to Kevin. He hadn't been eating properly and she was worried about his physical health and well as his emotional and mental state.

"Take that to your brother and make sure you see him eat something."

Jerald drove his Jeep around Kevin's acreage and through a cleared area to Kevin's house. The place was quiet. Kevin wasn't outside. He picked up the basket and package and walked up the steps and across the porch to the front door. He knocked but received no answer. The door was open so he went inside and set down his bundles.

Jerald could hear activity down in the basement but decided to take a look around before he sought Kevin.. The sofa had a blanket thrown over it and a pillow at one end that had a piece of pink material peeking out from under it. The TV was on, but muted. He walked to the other side of the fireplace and saw the new piano which sat in a corner by the windows. The bed was made and untouched. Kevin had been sleeping on the sofa rather than the bed. He went to the kitchen and saw four bottles of J.D. on the counter - one half empty. There was also an empty bottle in the trash. Christ, he's only been here a few days... The pantry contained a jar of peanut butter and half a loaf of bread, period. Jerald was looking into the refrigerator and the half dozen apples that sat alone on a shelf, when he heard a voice behind him.

"Find what you're looking for, Jerald?"

Jerald spun around, startled by Kevin's sudden presence.

"Just looking for a beer, Kev. Looks like you need to make a trip to the grocery store.", he chuckled uncomfortably.

"I've got enough.", Kevin answered flatly, obviously resenting the intrusion.

"Mom sent you some food and a package from Brian came today," Jerald pointed into the living room.

"Thanks."

Jerald tried to be light and easy. He wanted to hear his brother say something, anything that sounded hopeful or that indicated that he would be alright.

"I heard you downstairs...."

"I heard you upstairs."

Jerald paused and took a breath. he was getting nowhere with Kevin.

"Have you been able to find out anything about Tris?"

"No."

Jerald grew impatient. "Shit, Kevin! You always feel like you have to carry the burden of the world on your shoulders! Quit blaming yourself! That miscarriage wasn't your fault."

"Really, Jerald? Damn! I'm so glad you told me that! Maybe I should go do a couple of press conferences and announce that!

"I didn't know you were such an expert in the art of sarcasm, Kevin."

"And I didn't know you were such an expert on dead babies, Jerald."

Jerald was hurt. This wasn't his brother. He walked to the door to leave but stopped and turned back to Kevin.

"Mom's worried to death about you, Kevin. We all are. We love you."

"I know."

Jerald left and Kevin began to unpack the box that Brian had sent. It was, for the most part, filled with video tapes except for one object wrapped separately that was packed on the side of the box. Kevin carefully unwrapped Sophia, the doll he had bought for Tristan in Italy, and laid her on the untouched bed beside the piano.

CHAPTER 56

Tristan and Doctor Palmer had several more repeat performances of their first visit. When Tristan didn't speak, he sent her away. She had been moved back to a regular room and seemed to be fairly content. It wasn't unusual for some patients to feel a certain safety in their isolation from the outside world but the goal of Stonewall House was to send patients back into the world. Tristan and the doctor had played their game for more than two weeks. Although she didn't have access to a phone, voice mail boxes were set up for all patients. After messages were reviewed by their doctor, patients could listen to appropriate messages and respond if they wished to. This was the first crack in their isolation. Tristan had received many such messages in the twenty days that she had been there, the majority of them from Kevin Richardson. Tristan wouldn't have to talk today. She would be listening.

"Come in, Tristan! Guess what? You don't have to say a thing today. I'm not even going to ask you to talk to me!" Dr. Palmer smiled.

Tristan looked at the doctor suspiciously. He guessed that her desperation and sadness had been joined by a large portion of anger. He continued, watching Tristan closely.

"You've gotten a lot of calls since you've been here. We went ahead and grouped them by caller. Thought you'd like to hear from some friends."

Tristan shook her head. She didn't want to hear from anybody.

"Too bad, Tristan. Sit and listen." He pressed a button on a machine and Tristan heard a voice.

"Uh...Hi, Tris - It's Howie.......uh.....hope you're doing better....If I can do anything for you, let me know. Bye." Click.

Tristan was expressionless.

"Hey, girl! AJ here. When 'ya coming home, baby? You gotta get Amanda off my ass! Listen, give me a call if you can. We miss you!" Click.

Tristan's eyes seemed to lighten slightly at that message. There was another message from AJ and her eyes showed little expression until she heard him say that he hoped she was feeling "a little more better" and then he had laughed. The doctor thought he saw a slight glimmer. He made a note on his chart.

The next two messages were from Brian. There was no response from Tristan.

There were five messages from Nick or Nick and Holly together and the doctor detected a softening in Tristan's features as she listened.

"Hi Tris. It's Nick......Holly and I really miss you and want to tell that...uh.... we.....you know...love you a lot and stuff." Click.

Nicks other messages were similar and in some Holly spoke, too, on an extension. They both had said that they wanted to come see her. Tristan's eyes had glistened after these messages and she sighed deeply. Dr. Palmer made another note.

The last messages were Dr. Palmer's trump card, he hoped. He pressed the button again and Tristan heard Kevin speaking to her. She closed her eyes and put her hands over her ears, but she could not drown out his voice.

"Hey, baby. They won't tell me how you are. They won't let me come see you, Tris! Please don't shut me out, darlin'! Call me. Please! I love you Tristan." Click.

"Tris, I want to see you. Tell them to let me come, hon. I need to talk to you. Please. I love you, baby." Click.

"Please come home, Tristan! I need you. Please." Click.

Kevin's voice sounded sadder and more hopeless as the messages were played. His most recent messages were short and to the point.

"I love you Tristan." Click.

Dr. Palmer watched as Tristan opened her eyes after the messages were finished. Tears spilled down her face but she was still silent.

"I think it's time to give Kevin a call and ask him to come down here, Tristan."

At last came the reaction he had been waiting for.

"NO! NO! NO!...I won't see him! I WON'T!"

Tristan had jumped up from her chair and was leaning over the doctor's desk, screaming in his face. An attendant barged through the door but Dr. Palmer held up his hand and waved him outside.

"Why not, Tristan?"

"I hate him! I HATE HIM! I never want to see him again! NEVER!"

"Calm down, Tristan...."

Tristan backed off and returned to her chair, still highly upset.

"You need to see someone. If not Kevin, then who?"

"No one - especially none of them! They're all family! Always together."

"From what I understand, they're in Florida. Kevin's in Kentucky."

"I don't care where he is! I'm finished here! I want to go back to my room!"

"Okay, Tristan. You think about these calls. We'll talk again. By the way, it was nice hearing your voice."

She frowned at him and stomped out of the door.

**********

Kevin was in his basement sanding some pieces of wood he had cut. He was still nervous and frustrated that he could get no word on Tristan's condition or a prognosis. Tomorrow was Thanksgiving and he could find little to be thankful for. He had continued to receive messages from the guys but had yet to speak to any of them. He guessed he would see Brian this week and would have to talk to him. The person he wanted was to talk to, or at least hear from, was Tristan. He had called Stonewall House just a little while ago to tell her he was thinking of her and he'd arranged for her favorite roses to be sent tomorrow for Thanksgiving. He had chosen not to enclose a card. He feared that if her doctors saw that they were from him, they might not give them to her. She would know who sent them if she had any awareness yet.

It had been over two months since he had been close to her, made love to her. His hand stopped moving the sandpaper across the wood as he stopped and remembered their last night together. Jesus - it had been so incredible! He reran it over and over again in his mind, remembering her voice as she screamed his name, remembering how she felt and tasted, remembering her face when he made her.........Christ! Would they ever have that again? If she were here now, these memories would make him hard and he would take her again and watch her face. As things were, the memories made him despondent and sad. If he just knew something! Suddenly he remembered the PI he had hired to find her when he thought she had left him. He dropped what he was doing and hurried to his mother's house to make a call.

********

Tristan didn't even realize that today was Thanksgiving until an orderly mentioned it to her. She wandered into the recreation room and looked at the piano beside the wall. She hadn't touched a piano in so long and had no desire to do so now. Her musical passions didn't seem to exist anymore. Even looking at it brought painful memories. Will you play for me, Tristan? She shook her head, trying to stop remembering.

"Tristan?"

She recognized the voice as Dr. Palmer's, but didn't bother to turn.

"Looks like you got a Thanksgiving bouquet! See?"

Tristan turned and saw a flash of salmon and then her eyes focused on the large arrangement of Tropicana roses. For a moment her head felt as if it were spinning. She remembered her last bouquet of Tropicana's and what had happened later that evening. She remembered Kevin's mouth on her, Kevin watching her, Kevin....Kevin.....

"Get them out of here!" she shouted.

"What?" Dr. Palmer didn't expect this reaction to such a beautiful gift.

"Get rid of them!"

He walked over to her, still carrying the roses. "Why, Tristan? Who sent them?"

Tristan covered her eyes. Her initial screams diminished to a whisper.

"Please.....take them away."

"Who, Tristan?" he persisted.

"Kevin," she whispered.

"And you want me to destroy them?" he asked.

"Yes."

"You want me to destroy what Kevin gave you?"

"YES!" she shouted again.

"Alright, Tristan." He turned to leave, carrying the roses with him.

"Wait," she said softly

. Dr. Palmer stopped. "What is it?"

Tristan walked over to the bouquet and drew out a single long stemmed rose.

"Maybe I'll keep just one."

********

Thanksgiving Day was not the affair it should have been. Kevin was only there because his mother had gotten so upset when he told her he wasn't coming. He could't handle any more guilt. His brothers had tried to be cheerful and played the games of teasing and giving each other a hard time. It was harder when they were one brother short. Kevin was distracted and just pushed the food around on his plate. Everyone was trying very hard to make it a pleasant day and Kevin felt like he was dragging them down.

They insisted that he watch the football game with them and so he sat, not paying attention. He thought of Tristan and wondered if she had gotten his roses and how she had reacted to them if she did.

"Uncle Kevin?"

Kevin was brought out of his fog by Megan's voice. He looked at her and smiled. She had a book in her hand and she was ready for her story.

"Come on, Megan." Kevin patted his leg.

She crawled up into his lap as he opened the book and began to read. He glanced at her once or twice while he was reading but she didn't seem to be paying much attention to the story. She was watching Kevin closely and her mouth was turned down into a slight frown. He stopped after the second page and looked at her.

"What's the matter, sweetie?"

"Why are you so sad Uncle Kevin? Did someone do something mean to you?"

"No, hon. I'm not sad. Really."

He began to read again but she interrupted.

"Where's Tristan?"

Kevin sighed. "She's in a hospital getting well, Megan."

"Why aren't you there with her?"

"She can't have company yet, honey."

He started reading again, hoping to distract her.

"She's all by herself?"

Kevin looked at the book and then closed his eyes as Megan continued the conversation without him.

"Did you know she sent me a present after last Thanksgiving?"

Kevin opened his eyes and looked at her.

"No. I didn't know that. What did she send you?"

"She sent me some pretty underpants. Blue ones with lace like the ones she had on when we saw her at you house in Florida. Remember?"

"Yes, I remember." Another one of my shittier moments...

"I told her they were the prettiest underpants I ever saw and she sent me some. Wasn't that nice?"

"Yes, sweetie. That was nice."

Kevin kissed the top of Megan's head and finished the story with difficulty. Then he got up and returned to his house. He had a date with Jack Daniels.

********

The next day Kevin received a message that he returned right away. The PI had called and, hopefully, had some news. Kevin had told him to do whatever he needed to do, including the use of bribery if necessary, to get information. That information was invaluable to him.

"This is Kevin Richardson. Do you have news?"

"Yes." The PI answered. "Some good, some not so good."

Kevin braced himself. "Tell me."

"Well, it appears that Miss Mallory is making some progress. She's responsive, but barely talking. She didn't talk at all for a long time. She recognizes people. No visitors."

"Go on."

"That was the good news, Mr. Richardson. Are you sure you want me to continue?"

"Yes."

"Okay. She doesn't want to see anybody. Her mood is generally despondent or angry. And I have a copy of a tape."

"A tape? What kind of tape? What's on it?"

"It's a video tape, Mr. Richardson. When Miss Mallory was first admitted, it seems she had a....well...an episode and had to be restrained."

"Restrained?" Kevin grew pale. "What happened?", he asked, voice trembling.

"It's on the tape, Mr. Richardson, but I don't think you want to see it. They monitor patients with a hidden camera when they first arrive. This tape is a copy of the camera footage. It cost you plenty."

"I don't give a fuck what it cost! I paid for that tape. I want it!"

"Keep in mind that Miss Mallory's condition had changed since the tape was made. By all reports, she has improved."

"Fed Ex that tape to me now! I want it in my hands by tomorrow!"

"Alright - if you insist. It does belong to you."

"Yes. It does."

CHAPTER 57

When Kevin went to his mother's the next evening, he found the small package addressed to him on the kitchen counter. She had asked him to have dinner with her and he had agreed, not wanting her to feel worse about things than she already did. When he spotted the package, he just wanted to leave and take it home but he left it on the counter and sat down to eat with her.

He still wasn't eating much and he looked like he had lost a few pounds. He had gotten a message that day from Nick, but Anne hadn't written it down for Kevin. She wasn't sure she should give it to him. She knew that it would upset him, but maybe it would open him up, too.

"You're not eating, Kevin," she scolded.

Kevin grimaced. Here we go. "Just not too hungry, Mom."

"You're losing weight."

"I'm fine, Mom!" he said, a little too loudly.

Anne winced thinking that maybe she should just change the subject.

"I see you got a package today," she said lightly.

"Yeah, I noticed."

I noticed you noticed, Kevin. You've been looking at it all through dinner. What is it?"

"Don't know." He pushed some food around on his plate.

"Well, it's just packed in a padded envelope. It feels like a video tape. It came from Orlando. You don't know what it could be?"

Jesus Christ, mother! It's a porn tape! Wanna watch? "Could be anything, I guess."

"Aren't you curious, Kevin?" Anne asked, glancing at the counter.

Kevin got up and threw his napkin down on the table.

"I think you're the one who's curious, Mom! Damn, can't I have any privacy?"

"Don't you curse at me, Kevin!" Anne shouted and stood up from her chair. "You've been hiding out for over three weeks! I think you've gotten plenty of privacy! You've made it quite clear that you don't want anyone bothering you! If you feel like I'm such an invader of your privacy then maybe you'd better open up a post office box and run a phone line to your house!" She threw down her napkin and picked up her plate to take to the kitchen. "Here! Don't forget this!" Anne picked up the package and threw it at Kevin through the door.

"You don't understand, Mom." he said quietly.

Anne's eyes were shut. She leaned over the sink trying to control her anger.

"What is it I don't understand, Kevin? The fear of knowing that you're losing someone you love? I think I understand that. The grief of losing a child? I lose another piece of you everyday. Don't you presume to tell me what I don't understand!"

"You don't understand how it feels to be responsible for all of that, Mom!" he screamed. Kevin paused, looking at the floor. "I'm sorry, Mom. I don't want to hurt you, too. I'm going home now," he said softly.

As he reached for the doorknob, Anne called to him.

"Kevin, wait. You had a message from Nick today."

"What did he want?" he asked, not really interested.

Anne turned to look at her son. "He said that he was going to see Tris tomorrow."

Kevin stopped and slowly met her eyes. "What?....Nick's going to see Tristan?"

"That's what he said. He and Holly were just getting ready to leave. They're driving to South Carolina. He thought you'd like to know."

"Tristan called Nick?" he asked. His chin was actually trembling as if he were a child.

"He said that her doctor had called him." Anne said softly, watching Kevin's eyes fill.

"Her doctor didn't call me today?" he asked, taking deep breaths, trying to control himself.

"No, sweetheart. I'm sorry."

Kevin nodded, wiped his eyes and walked out of the door.

When he got to his house, Kevin walked directly to the kitchen and poured himself half a tumbler of whiskey. Straight. No ice. He unwrapped his package and took out the videotape. He held it for a few moments. There was no marking on it except for the date- the date that Tristan entered Stonewall House.

There were already tapes in both VCR slots. He had been doing some editing and tapes were piled on the floor. He ejected the tape in deck one, slipped in the unmarked tape and picked up the remote. After turning out all the lights, he took his whiskey to the sofa, sat back and hit the play button.

The picture was, surprisingly, in color but the film was choppy due to the time delay between frames. Still, the pictures were of good quality and Kevin sighed as he watch the several frames of Tristan sleeping, uncovered and curled up. After several minutes he saw that she moved and soon she was sitting up with a confused and frightened expression on her face. Then she was out of bed and apparently moving towards the camera. In the next frames, Tristan was staring straight ahead, presumably looking at herself in the mirror. It was difficult for Kevin to make out her expression. She seemed both sad and puzzled. Then she was tugging on her hair and her face had become angry. In the next frames, she had disappeared. As the frames progressed, Kevin could make out her image in the back of the room digging into a suitcase and then she was looking into the mirror again. She seemed confused and she held something in her right hand. His stomach turned as the next frames showed her holding her hair, then scissors moving towards it. Soon Tris was looking at her arm, staring at it with her mouth slightly opened. Kevin could see blood beginning to run down her arm. It looked like there was lots of blood.

Unconsciously, Kevin had moved to his knees in front of the TV, holding on to each side of the set, watching and shaking his head. As the pictures moved forward, Tristan cut more hair and spilled more of her own blood. Strands of her long hair were on her lap, covering red stains on her gown. He saw her smiling slightly, blood running down her hair. In the last frames, she looked like she was falling and then there was nothing - just an empty room. Soon, there were people - a nurse, a doctor, others - in view of the camera and the film ended.

Kevin felt sick to him stomach and began to heave. Surely he had missed something in the film. He would not believe that he had just seen Tristan deliberately cut her own wrist. When the knots in his stomach loosened, he went back to the VCR and rewound the tape. He played it back again on fast forward. Tristan had tried to take her own life. The PI had said she was better, but the fact remained that he had hurt her so badly, he had stomped on her soul so hard, that she had lost her mind, not only trying to destroy her physical beauty, but her life as well. Kevin was beyond tears now. Part of his brain was shutting down - he could feel it happening.

He went down to the basement and brought up the project he had been working on and recently finished. He had built a beautiful cradle, completely handmade of maple that had been cut from the property and sawed into boards at a local mill. He had bought the plans last summer hoping that his and Tristan's child would sleep in it one day - not knowing that she had already become pregnant. He realized now that it would never happen. He set the cradle near the hearth. It looked so empty. Stumbling into the next room, he picked Sophia up from the bed and placed her in the cradle. Then he went into the kitchen to retrieve his bottle vowing not to contact Tristan again. Maybe she would be able to heal and get on with her life if he would stay away. He loved her enough to let her go.

*******

Dr. Palmer met Nick and Holly in his office at Stonewall House. He wanted some time to speak with them before they saw Tristan.

"She didn't know you were coming," he confessed. "She had indicated that she didn't want to see anyone, so I didn't tell her that I called you. But she needs to see someone. She has to start facing her life."

Nick and Holly looked at each other. Trepidation showed on their faces.

"What if she refuses to see us?" Holly asked.

"She's going to have to see you," the doctor answered "It's time for Tristan to take some responsibility for her own recovery. She's getting too comfortable here. Life in itself is a risk. If she doesn't choose risk, she doesn't choose life."

"How is she - really?" Nick looked worried. He was anxious to see Tristan, but he didn't want to upset her.

"You may be a little shocked at how she looks," Dr. Palmer began. "She's cut off her hair and....."

"What?" Nick and Holly asked in unison.

"Why did she do it?" Nick couldn't imagine Tristan without her long locks.

The doctor let them figure it out. "Think about it. Would you consider Tristan vain about her looks?"

Nick chuckled. "Tristan?...Naw. She's not vain about anything, is she Holly?"

Holly shook her head. "She could probably go the rest of her life without a mirror. Her hair was just always.....there! I don't think she thought much about it."

"She's talked about getting it cut before, right?" Nick asked Holly.

"Right. I think she wanted to cut it last spring," Holly agreed. "But I still don't understand."

The doctor's next question lead them to an explanation.

"Why didn't she cut it last spring?" he asked.

Nick didn't have to think about the answer. "Because Kevin didn't want her to. He asked her not to. God, he loved ........" Nick paused. "Oh..........."

"What?" Holly asked Nick. She was still puzzled.

"She was getting back at Kevin by cutting her hair off!"

Holly nodded her head. "I see."

The doctor continued.

"She's too thin, she's pale. She may not respond well to you, but not because she hates you. You've done nothing to hurt her, but you're both part of this Backstreet thing, which includes Kevin."

"She hasn't talked to him yet?" Nick asked sadly.

"No, even though he's been calling her twice a day like clockwork. That is until today. He hasn't left a message today. Have you talked to him, Nick?"

Nick glanced at Holly. He had sensed a shift in Kevin when they were at the hospital in New York. It worried him, although their concern had been for Tristan at the time. At least she was getting some help.

"He hasn't returned any calls that I know of. I've talked to his mom, but no one has talked to him directly." Nick looked down at the floor. "Not that we haven't tried."

Dr. Palmer hesitated before asking his next question. He didn't know if Nick had Holly could be unbiased. The doctor had developed a certain feel for the situation between Tristan and Kevin and their relationship and wondered if they could actually be considered 'soul mates'. In the psychological and spiritual sense of the term, soul mates were two people who shared a common soul. If they were very lucky, they would meet one day and nature would take its course, even if that course were a bumpy one. These people would never feel complete until their 'souls' united and would always feel unwhole if that never happened or if they parted for some reason, including death. It was believed by those who believed this 'soul mate' theory that few people had such a mate and that if they did, chances were slim that they would ever meet their 'other half'. It was a rare occurrence.

Dr. Palmer had developed an interest in the phenomena when he attended a seminar on the subject in San Francisco. Most in the conservative medical community scoffed at such a notion and considered it paranormal crap at worst and pseudo psychology at best. It was a difficult subject to research and verify scientifically, but there were esteemed scholars who swore that such a thing existed.

"I want to ask you a question, but try to be objective when you answer. You both know Kevin and Tristan's history together and you both know them as individuals. There's a good chance that they may go their separate ways when Tristan leaves here. They may never get back together. What do you think of that? Would they be alright, in time, if that happened?"

Nick looked at Dr. Palmer dumbfounded. That possibility had never occurred to him. He glanced at Holly.

"I....I....don't know. I can't picture them with other people......and......and I don't want to picture them alone for the rest of their lives."

Holly's reaction mirrored Nick's. She added her opinion.

"I think they would survive, but.......well, that all. I think they would be pretty empty."

Dr. Palmer nodded. Although he hadn't met Kevin, he found that he tended to agree with Nick and Holly. He also needed to tell them something else regarding Tristan.

"You two will probably notice that Tristan's left wrist is bandaged. She doesn't really need a bandage anymore, but she wears one to hide her scar."

"What scar?" Holly asked.

"The scar that resulted from her cutting her wrist the first night she was here."

Nick looked like he hadn't heard correctly. Then he began to blink rapidly.

"Are you saying that Tristan cut her wrist on purpose?"

"Frankly, we're not sure. She says it was an accident, but considering prior events and her state of mind at the time....."

"Jesus!" Nick covered his eyes and Holly grabbed onto his waist. "Where is she? Can we see her now?"

"Yes, of course. I don't want you to hesitate to say what's on your mind to her. I want you to mention Kevin, too. What do you know about his state of mind?"

"I talked to his mom some. She said he was drinking and keeping himself isolated from friends and family. I think he's scared."

Dr. Palmer shook his head. "I'm sorry." He paused thinking what a convoluted mess this had developed into and yet the only possible solution was so simple. Kevin had taken what steps he could towards reconciliation but Tristan hadn't budged. "Okay. Let's go. I'll speak to you both before you leave."

*******

Nick and Holly looked at Tristan through a two way mirror attached to the recreation room wall. They barely recognized her. Her hair, though still wavy and thick, barely touched her shoulders and her clothes looked like they were hanging on her small frame. She looked haunted. Tristan stood by herself in a corner not talking to or looking at anyone. She had no light in her.

Holly grabbed onto Nick's arm. This was not the woman she had traveled with on tour less than two months ago. Nick could hardly believe what he saw, either. His thoughts went to Kevin and he wondered if his appearance would shock him as well. Nick looked at her bandaged wrist and cringed. All of this pain caused by simple ignorance. He thought about the two people he remembered saying good-bye to each other in the Orlando airport. He didn't understand how so much devotion could turn into so much despair.

Nick and Holly took a breath, held onto each other's hand and entered the room. Tristan didn't see them at first and then she turned towards the door as if she expected someone to be there. She backed up a step as they approached. Nick swallowed hard. Tristan didn't look happy to see them.

"Hey, Tris!" Nick began. "Damn, girl - it's sure good to see you!"

Tristan was silent but her eyes were wide.

"Tristan!" Holly cried, unable to remain cool. She ran up to her friend and threw her arms around her.

Tristan froze but Holly didn't seem to notice and didn't let go. Nick stood by helplessly for a moment and then joined the hug figuring that Tristan would either scream or respond. After a minute, Tristan's arms went around her friends. When the three broke, they all held hands and found some chairs. They talked idly for a bit before Nick took Tristan's wrist gently in his hands.

"What's this, Tristan?" He looked deeply in her eyes, trying to read them, but he couldn't see into their darkness.

"I barely remember it." Tristan answered, looking away.

"But why, Tris?" Nick sounded a little angry. "Did Kevin do this?" he said flatly, holding her wrist in front of her face.

Tristan jerked her hand away. "I did this! It was an accident!"

"How do you accidentally slash your wrist?"

"Nick! I said it was an accident! And it's not a slash - it's a cut. That's all!"

"Don't hate him so much that you hurt yourself, Tristan!" Nick yelled at her, unable to control himself. "He's already falling apart!"

"How dare you, Nick! Kevin can find comfort now where he found it before! Tell him to cry on Lily's shoulder!"

"He's too fucking drunk for me or anyone else to tell him anything, Tris! Anne's scared to death he's cracking up!"

"Why? From guilt? He doesn't have to feel guilty about me. It's over. It happens. He wants Lily. Maybe deep down he always did!"

"Is that why he kept calling her by your name when he was in bed with her, Tristan?" Nick couldn't believe that he was defending Kevin.

Tristan was silent. She jerked her head to Holly who was nodding in agreement.

"It's true, Tristan. He thought you had left him."

"I told him I was going away! I had to think. I had to..."

Nick interrupted. "He didn't know where you were, Tris! He hired an investigator to find you! The guy sent him pictures of you and Asa! I know - I saw them. He started losing it then!"

Tristan stepped back from them and held her head like it was going to burst.

"Look, Tris," Nick went on, trying to be calm. "I wanted to kill Kevin that night he was with Lily. I'm still disgusted with him...but I saw him when you were in the hospital after you lost....after you lost the baby. He was dyin'. Brian's gonna be seeing him. Talk to Brian if you won't talk to Kev. Please."

Tristan stood up and began to cry, but when Nick tried to hold her she pulled away. Why is Nick doing this to me? She had already settled things in her mind. Eventually, she had hoped her heart would follow.

"Have you stopped loving Kevin" Holly asked her quietly.

"Yes." Tristan whispered.

"I don't believe you, Tristan." Holly responded.

Tristan straightened her clothes and wiped her face with her hands.

"Thank you both for coming but I'm tired. I have to go now." She walked past them towards the door.

"Will you talk to Brian?" Nick called after her.

Tristan didn't answer.

Tristan Trilogy - Story I

"Will You Play for Me?" is a work of fiction.
The characters and events portrayed are fictitious.
Any resemblance to real people or events is purely coincidental.

Copyright ©1999
All Rights Reserved
No part of this text may be copied or reprinted
without the author's permission.

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Fiction by Grace