Will You Play for Me

Tristan Trilogy - Story I

CHAPTER 58

Brian knocked repeatedly on Kevin's front door, but there was no answer. It was already one o' clock in the afternoon and no one had seen him. Brian tried the knob and it turned in his hand so he let himself in. He could hear voices and looked into the living room. He saw that the voices were coming from the television. A videotape was playing and Brian watched for a minute or two trying to determine which tape Kevin had been watching. The tape was a compilation of many videos. Snippets had been edited together and placed on one tape. He looked around and saw dozens of tapes scattered across the floor. Kevin had been busy. As he watched, he noticed that the entire tape was of Tristan. Tristan at the studio mixing board in Stockholm and on the bus trip. This film was made before Kevin and Tristan really knew each other. There were scenes of Tristan playing the piano in concert, cutting roses in the backyard, asleep on the sofa with an opened book across her stomach. Brian saw her being awakened in the morning, puttering around the kitchen and swimming in their pool. Then he saw her cutting her hair off, bleeding and collapsing. The tape ended, rewound and began again in a continuous loop.

Brian looked across the large room at Kevin who lay passed out on the sofa. An empty bottle was laying on the floor along side him beside an overturned glass. Whiskey had spilled on the floor and Brian went into the kitchen to get some paper towels to wipe up the mess.. When he returned, Kevin hadn't moved and Brian got down on his knees beside him and began to wipe up the whiskey.

"You prayin' for my soul, cuz?"

Brian jumped and turned to the sofa. Kevin's eyes were open but the rest of his body was still in the same position. He sounded like he was still drunk.

"I pray for you everyday, Kev." Brian answered as he went back to his wiping.

"Gee, thanks Bri! If anybody can get me into heaven, you can!" The whiskey hadn't dulled Kevin's sarcasm. "And I have so many sins to get past, too. Let's see, there's drink, taking the Lord's name, failure to honor my mother......."

"Let's not forget fornication," Brian said, matching Kevin's sarcasm.

Kevin's eyes darkened and he sat up.

"I don't consider what Tristan and I did fornication, dear cousin!" Kevin said angrily.

"I don't either, dear cousin! I wasn't talking about Tristan!" Brian stood and took the wet paper towels to the trash.

"Well, the Lord will forgive all, right Brian?" Kevin called to Brian in the kitchen.

Brian walked back slowly and faced Kevin.

"It's not the Lord's forgiveness I'd be worried about right now, Kev. I saw the end of your tape."

Kevin's face went flat and he walked over to the television and turned off the VCR. Then he moved over to the window and looked out at the lake. He said nothing.

"I'm sorry, Kevin. I shouldn't have said that."

Brian walked up behind him and joined him at the window. Kevin remained silent.

"Is there anything I can do to help, Kev?" Brian asked softly, placing his hand on Kevin's shoulder.

Kevin pulled away from Brian's gesture and folded his arms across his chest. Then Brian saw him reach down to feel something in the bottom of his pocket and his arms refolded. He still wasn't responding.

"Your mom said that Nick was going to see Tristan today. Maybe he'll have some good news."

Brian watched Kevin's face hoping for a change of expression, some glimmer of hope, but there was none. The realization came to Brian that Kevin had given up and this upset him, although he wasn't sure why. If Kevin could just forget about her and get on with his life, everything would be all right. At least he had believed that an hour ago. Now, looking at his cousin's face, he wasn't so sure if things would ever be right again. Kevin had become a stranger. Brian didn't know him anymore.

"Kevin, maybe Tristan....."

"You'd better get going Brian. I'm sure you have things to do."

Kevin's voice was toneless and empty. Brian went from being upset to being frightened.

"But Kev......."

"Bye, Brian."

***********

"Come in, Tristan." Dr. Palmer waved her into his office.

Tristan walked through the door and flopped down in the chair. They had made very little progress since Nick and Holly's visit. They had told him what they had said to Tristan about Kevin and what her responses had been. Kevin hadn't called to check on Tristan in two weeks. It was now the middle of December and Jim Palmer was getting more concerned. Everything seemed to have stopped. Tristan said nothing about leaving Stonewall House and still wasn't talking to anyone from outside. He didn't want to push her but he could see her changing, becoming more dependent on the safety of the hospital, more isolated and more quiet - if that were possible. She still wouldn't talk about Kevin and what had happened that sent her here. She had become indifferent and uninterested, but his first question today grabbed her attention.

"So, Tristan, when was the last time you had sex?"

Tristan stopped tapping her foot and unfolded her arms looking like she hadn't understood the question.

"What did you ask me?"

"I asked you when was the last time you had sex. Don't you remember?"

"Of course I remember!" Tristan spat out.

"When?"

"Before the tour. Why?"

Dr. Palmer made some notes.

"Was that with Kevin?", he asked impersonally, still writing.

"Of course it was with Kevin!" She sounded offended.

"How many other sexual partners have you had?"

When she didn't answer right away, he looked up from his notes and met her eyes. She was staring at him, frowning. He gave her a slight smile.

"None."

"None? Really?"

"Really."

He scribbled some more.

"How would you describe your first sexual experience?"

Tristan looked at him soberly. "I'd describe it as rape."

"Kevin raped you?" Dr. Palmer looked alarmed.

"No, no. That happened before I met Kevin. He was my first....lover. My only lover."

"Lover...." he repeated and wrote some more.

"What are you doing? Why are you asking me these things?" Tristan sounded irritated.

Dr. Palmer looked up from his notes.

"We have to complete your profile, Tristan. We never discussed this. I wanted to wait a little while. I thought it might be too painful if you still felt a...um..loving passion...for Kevin. But you've said that you don't care about him and don't want to talk to him. In fact, I believe you said that you hated him. I thought it would be all right if we finished this now. Unless you still have doubts about your feelings."

"No...."

"Good. Let's go on. What was your first sexual experience like - just your general impression."

Tristan closed her eyes and sighed deeply. Had it really been a year ago? She still remembered every detail, every word spoken, every touch during his gentle explorations, his tenderness. He would have rather died than hurt her. They had traveled a difficult road to get to that night which had made it all the more precious. He had watched her carefully, gauging her reactions to his touch, learning what gave her the most pleasure. That quality about him had never changed. He always watched her, always measured her reactions to what he did to her. He had never failed to take her over the edge and she truly believed that her pleasure had been his pleasure.

"Tristan?"

Tristan snapped back to the present.

"It...it was a long time ago." she answered.

"You don't remember much about it? Hmmm. Okay, I'll just write..."forgettable - nothing special". How's that?" he asked.

Tristan shot him a hard look. "Fine!" She felt like such a liar.

"Okay, what about your last experience? The same? Better? Worse?"

Tristan lowered her head. God, why was he asking her these things? Does he actually want her to compare the first and last times that she and Kevin made love? That was like asking a mother which child she loved the most. If their first time together was a precursor, like a fine appetizer promising a great meal to follow, then their last time was like a final repast before a six week fast.

"The same, I guess," she said, trying to sound nonchalant.

Dr. Palmer noticed that Tristan's voice had gotten higher and her foot was tapping rapidly. She played with the hem of her shirt as she looked around the room. He knew she was lying, so he commented.

"Well, most people believe that sex is never really good unless you're really in love with your partner. Maybe you never really loved Kevin."

When he looked up from his desk, she was gazing at him with wet eyes.

"Before you go, Tristan, I have a message for you from Brian. That's Kevin's cousin, right?"

"Yes."

Dr. Palmer hit the button as Tristan stared at the machine.

"Hey, Tris. It's Brian. Listen - I don't know if I should even mention this or not, but I saw Kevin not long ago and talked to Aunt Anne today and.....Tris.....I gotta tell you, we're all really worried. He hasn't spoken to anyone. Not a word. Even if you force yourself on him, he ignores you and stares off into space or something. The only time he leaves your house is to go to the liquor store! I think he's lost his fucking mind!......Excuse me......for saying that, I mean. Nick said you were responsive, so please respond to this! If he was mad or cryin' or something, it would be different, but he's.....nothin'.....He's given up. Says he's not gonna contact you any more. He has this tape that show you....well....hurting yourself......Call him. If not for his sake then for his mom's and for mine. Please, honey." Click.

"What tape is he talking about?" Tristan sounded upset and fearful.

"We tape new patients with a hidden camera, Tristan. We can't locate the footage of you cutting you hair and wrist. I can only assume that Kevin has gotten the tape somehow. I'm sorry," he apologized.

"Sorry? What about Kevin?" Tristan was tense.

"I thought you didn't care about Kevin."

"That doesn't mean I want him to go through life feeling responsible for what happened to me!"

"You mean losing the baby?"

"No. That wasn't Kevin's fault."

"It sounds like he thinks that it was. Are you going to call him?"

"No. He'll be alright."

"Will he? You heard Brian."

Tristan got up to walk out but as her hand reached the door, Dr. Palmer spoke again in a gentle voice.

"You know, Tristan. you can leave Stonewall House anytime you like. I don't think I can help you anymore. In fact, I've already signed your release papers. I know you're still...well....confused about some issues and I'm not going to force you to leave. I'm giving you these papers to use when you like. All you have to do is leave them at the admittance office on your way out. And, by the way, you can listen to your own messages from now on. The only thing I ask is that if you decide to go, call me and let me know how you are and where you are. Okay?"

Jim Palmer handed Tristan a long white envelope containing her release papers.

"Why are you kicking me out?" she whimpered. "I feel safe here. Where will I go?" She began to cry.

"I'm not kicking you out, Tristan. Stay as long as you like. As far as where you'll go - that's up to you. You can go anywhere you'd like, but you're going to shrivel up inside if you stay here too long. No one can give you back your innocence, Tristan, but there are people out there who can and want to give you love. I think you know who they are. I'll be around if you need me, but I don't think you will. You know who you need and you know who needs you."

*********

Tristan literally walked the halls of Stonewall House for several days. She didn't see Dr. palmer again. She talked to no one. She felt she had no direction and didn't know what to do.

On December 23, she decided to listen to the messages that had been piling up for her. She was unaware of the season until some of the callers mentioned the holidays. She had spoken only to Nick and Holly since she came here seven weeks ago. There were several messages from them in her mail box. The last one had been from Holly saying that they were spending the holidays with Brian and his family and would fly to California on the 26th.

"Please call me, Tris. I miss you so much! Here's Brain's number......"

She hit the button again and it showed she only had one message left. It had been recorded that day. A familiar, yet tormented voice filled her ears.

"Merry Christmas baby...." Click.

***

No one at Stonewall House saw Tristan after that. She had submitted her release papers and disappeared, leaving her personal things behind - including one withered and dried up long stemmed rose that was found under her pillow.

Tristan Trilogy - Story I

"Will You Play for Me?" is a work of fiction.
The characters and events portrayed are fictitious.
Any resemblance to real people or events is purely coincidental.

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Fiction by Grace